I didn't get to experience that slightly confusing but surprising moment this morning. You know, the one where it takes me a couple of minutes before realizing Zane is asleep in the armchair in the corner of my room.

I didn't get that moment, because Zane had pulled said armchair up to my bed, and was leaning over me, his head resting on his crossed arms. Like you would do when visiting your loved one who is in a coma at the hospital.

I just blinked in his direction a couple of times. I had no clue if he was sleeping. I had no clue why he stayed. I had no clue what's going on.

I combed through my brain, looking for the memories of last night. It was hard to find them, like pushing through thick fog that only slips between your fingers.

I remembered Jax's words, with a jolt of despair to the stomach. I remembered Zane believing them. I remembered walking home. I remembered taking my pills. I remembered feeling so calm. I remembered Zane coming. I remember him talking to me. Why would he come here, if he believed Jax's words?

I was about to give up in my investigation of why is Zane in my room again, when the small and distant memory of letting out the three little words I had never intended to say crept back to me.

I sat up straight like the bed had burned my back.

Which was a mistake, because it alerted Zane to my now consciousness in a very obvious way.

"Seren?" Zane croaked out as he raised his head from his arms.

I wasn't sure what to say. I desperately wanted him to have not heard me, or not remember if he had. I would do anything to have that happen, and there's no way to confirm it besides the things that Zane would not say. The only way I would know is in the things he wouldn't say.

Zane had been watching me watch him. The way he was watching reminded me of the time that he had caught me on the dock. Zane looked at me like I was a bear he had stumbled upon, and he was trying to decide whether I was going to eat him or run away. Zane stood from the chair, his hands raised in front of him as he took a step closer to me.

I knew it was over from the way he said my name.

"Seren." Zane said in an exaggerated calm. I could see from the look in his eyes that he was not calm at all.

"No." I breathed out. It was a calm no. A gentle no. A last defence no. A denial no. It was too late. It was out there. It was gone, and I'd never get my secret back.

"Seren." Zane said again, as he reached me. He placed his arms on each side of me, hovering them in the air. They weren't touching me, but it's almost as if I could still feel them.

Fight. Deny.

Flight. Lie.

Freeze. Confirm.

"Seren. We have to talk about what you said last night. I know it's hard." Zane said carefully, "but there are somethings we need to figure out."

"What?" I said blankly.

Zane looked at me like the doctors that tell their patients they have stage 4 cancer in the movies. They're about to die and everyone knows it.

"You told me something last night. Do you remember? Something about Jax." Zane moved one of his hands against my arm, lightly rubbing up and and down.

"No, I didn't." Fight. Deny.

"Seren, it's okay." Zane had so much emotion in his eyes and I hated it. He pitied me. Finally.

"I didn't say anything about Jax." I rushed out, feeling like I was scrambling for words. "It was probably just the pills." Flight. Lie.

"Don't, Seren. I know it's hard to trust me, but you can. I promise. I will help you." Zane moved his hand from my arm to my back, gently patting against it.

"You can't help me." Freeze. "You can't help me, and no one else can either." Confirm.

Zane moved in front of my face, trying to catch my eye. "We need to tell someone." He said, and the way he said it made me feel like it's been on the tip of his tongue all night. Like he's been waiting to say it.

"No." I ripped my body away from him.

"We should tell the police. I'll go with you. He needs to pay for this." I had never heard Zane's voice like this before, it was angry.

"No." I stated firmly. No. No. No. No. I shook my head violently.

"Your dad, then." And when I kept shaking my head, Zane continued. "The therapist at school. My parents. Anyone, Seren, we have to tell someone!"

"No." My tone was firm and cool. It was final. I sat down on the edge of my bed, pushing the unmade blankets away. "I'm never telling anyone. I would rather die than tell anyone else."

Zane closed his eyes at my words, pushing both of his hands through his hair. He erratically walked in a couple of different directions before abruptly turning and heading straight for me. He knelt down in front of me, resting his hands on my knees. He was pleading with me.

"I'm sorry. I can't tell anyone." I blinked a stray tear out of my eye. I hadn't even realized it was there.

I had been processing my intense urge to keep this a secret, in the back of my mind. At first I thought it was embarrassment preventing me from telling. I was right, it seems, but it wasn't just embarrassment. It was deeper than that. It was stronger than that.

It was shame.

Zane rubbed his temples. He was silent for a moment, but not a comfortable silence. The most uncomfortable silence I have ever felt.

"When?" Zane's voice was small as he breathed out the word. It was simultaneously the most vague question and the most direct one. Zane flicked his eyes up at me when I didn't answer. "The lake house?"

I let my eyes roam around Zane's face. I felt bad, because Zane looked horrible. He looked like a person who hadn't slept because of information they are not supposed to have. He probably looked like that because it's exactly what happened. Finally, when I couldn't take the pleading in his eyes any longer, I nodded.

"Fuck." Zane shot up, jumping to his feet. His sudden movement made me flinch, jerking up towards the ceiling.

"I should have fucking known." Zane was walking around in circles now. I could feel the emotions radiating off of him. He was so angry it was making the air thick.

"I should have stayed with you. I should have stayed with you. I was right there. I just left you. I just left you." Zane was talking to himself now, it seemed, because he wasn't looking at me. "I should have done something. I should have fucking seen it! Why didn't I see it? I just left her. I left her there."

It was like he had forgotten about my existence in the room until he strode back towards me again.

Zane stopped his movements when there was only inches of space between us. He reached his hand towards my face, pushing the strands of hair that had escaped my messy bun behind my ear.

"I am so sorry, Seren." Zane was looking into my eyes, jumping between staring into each one. "I am so fucking sorry."

"You didn't do anything." I was confused by Zane's apology. I hadn't expected it. It wasn't needed. Why was he sorry?

"You had to go through this alone. You had to look at him every day at school. That fucking party that I brought him to. I can't imagine what you're going through." Zane continued.

I didn't answer this time. I didn't have the words to meet his words. It wasn't true, anyways. I might have been alone in knowledge, but I wasn't really alone, after all.

"I wasn't alone." I told him. "I had you."