LIGHT FEATHERY KISSES tickled my spine as I lay on my stomach. Faint laughter between Elijah and I filled the morning air. And despite being under the covers, sunlight streamed through the thin white sheet as he made a descent down my body.

He pushed my tee-shirt up, his shirt, and I was suddenly naked again. "I could get used to this view." He rasped into my ear, caressing the curves of my body. I sucked in my stomach.

"I could get used to your warmth." I snuggled into the pillow. "You are like a space heater."

He laid on top of me. His weight and heat pressed me into the mattress. The pressure was soothing, and my eyelids grew heavy again with sleep. We laid there until I gasped for a breath, and he rolled off my body and onto his side, pulling me into a perfect cocoon. I fit in the curve of his body like a glove.

"Can I take you out for breakfast?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"We can go to that cafe on the beach, and you can order the biggest breakfast they have."

My body shook. "I'm not hungry."

"You're a liar. I hear your stomach growling."

I ignored his comment and closed my eyes. Then, his hand collided with my backside, and I lurched forward, squealing into the pillow. I rolled onto my back and looked at him, trying to hide my laughter. "You can't smack my ass! Reva will hear."

"I smacked it last night, though."

"I know." I blushed at the memory. "But she was asleep, then. She could be awake now." Shit! She could be awake. How would I sneak him out of the apartment with her in the living room?

I rolled out of bed in search of my underwear and pajama shorts.

"You have to go before she wakes up."

"Woah, what about breakfast?"

"Can I meet you there?"

He paused. His eyes burned holes in the side of my head as I straightened my room up and got dressed. I felt terrible for kicking him out, but I wanted to tell Reva everything today and not be cornered and questioned as he walked out of the front door.

"Yeah."

I strode to the bed, where he still laid naked, and cupped his face. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm kicking you out."

"It's all good."

Holding his scruffy cheeks, I dipped my lips to his and kissed him tenderly. He pulled me onto his lap, the flat sheet covering his manhood. I giggled into his mouth as his morning wood pressed into me, sending jolts of pleasure through my body.

"I can't convince you for round two?" he asked between kissing my jaw.

"Later, I promise. We can have rounds three and four too."

"Five?" His face twisted into a devilish grin, and I agreed by kissing him again.

"If I can take it," I reached between his legs, and he groaned at my touch, tightening his grip on my hips. I tried writing out of his grasp because I knew this would end with me on my back if I did not move away.

After many attempts, he let go and dressed, and we tiptoed to the front door. My shoulders sagged when the living room lights were off, and the scent of coffee did not fill the air.

"See you later, Eli," I pushed onto my toes. He held the back of my head, giving me a long, deep kiss goodbye. The door slid shut with a tiny click, and I rested my head on the wood in relief.

"Elijah Preston?" Reva's voice bellowed into the apartment, startling me. "You've been fucking Elijah Preston?"

My heart plummeted into the depths of my stomach, and I pivoted, blinking at my best friend, who stood with folded arms in the hallway. Her hair was messy from sleep, and not only did she look upset, but she also looked mad.

"Not plural," I said as if it could improve this situation. "We had sex once."

"When did this start?"

"He had been coming to the studio—"

"That long ago?"

"No! Reva, hold on. I have been meaning to tell you, but everything has been new and weird, and I didn't know what was truly going on until last night."

Reva sat on the living room couch, facing me. "How long have you guys been seeing each other?"

I thought about the different occasions I saw Elijah, and my arms fell to my sides. "I told you he started showing up to the studio after hitting the ball through the window. Nothing ever happened except for some innocent flirting. We texted here and there and then kept running into each other. Eventually, he told me he had feelings for me about a month ago, and we only just kissed two weeks ago. This is all new."

"I don't mind you keeping things private, but sneaking around? Not telling me anything or acting like you two weren't a thing at all? I'm not sure what I've done for you not to trust me...."

I cut her off. "I trust you, and you haven't done anything to make me not trust you."

"You used to tell me everything, and then you started pulling away." Her anger was replaced by sadness, and I closed my eyes, exhaling through my nose. It seemed her reaction would be inevitable no matter when I told her because it was true. There was no reason for me not to talk to her about Elijah.

His home run through the art room window felt like it happened yesterday, but it was almost two months ago. Our relationship was becoming serious, and the fact that I would be a senior in college in two weeks weighed on me like a load of bricks.

"I know I've been distant. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Elijah and me sooner." I sat beside her. "I haven't been in an actual relationship since Ben, and I've been avoiding them at all cost. If I weren't so stubborn, I would've been dating Elijah months ago. So, this has been a lot for me to take in."

Her eyes softened. "You really like him?"

I nodded. "But I haven't fully agreed to be his girlfriend yet. He keeps alluding that we are a couple, especially now that we had sex, but I'm afraid that everything will go downhill from there once we go public."

"Sadie..."

"I know how dumb it sounds."

"Does he know about Ben?"

"He knows I was hurt in the past, but he doesn't know how or by who."

She put her hand over the top of mine. "Ben is not a part of this equation anymore, and you have to let him go. And you should probably let Elijah know what has been happening here." She tapped the side of my head. "Before it's too late."

My eyes grew watery. I grunted in annoyance, pressing my palms into my eyes. My knuckles ached from my punch last night, but the growing lump in my throat hurt more.

Elijah would not judge me for my past, but that was not why I was frustrated. I was frustrated because Ben still had this much hold on me. Had I never faced what happened? Had I not healed at all within these past four years? Or was I pretending a past relationship was ruining my life and not my insecurities?

My insecurities.

I could not picture myself with Elijah long-term, and it was not because of Ben. I did not trust anyone to love me because I did not love myself. Understanding slammed into me, and so did a new rush of emotions.

I was the problem.

Reva's warmth encompassed me. "I'm sorry for being rude earlier."

"It's not you. I think I realized I have been lying to myself."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been blaming all of my problems on Ben, but I think I'm the problem. I need to call Leila." I jumped from the couch and raced to my bedroom, and I grabbed my phone and opened Elijah's contact.

[Me: I may have to raincheck on breakfast. How about I make you dinner one of these nights?]

Three dots appeared and then disappeared.

[Elijah: Okay, sounds good.]

[Elijah: :) ]

I navigated to my sister's contact and hit call.

Leila and I spent the morning on the phone, most of our conversation filled with me crying and her telling me to take deep breaths. I told her everything, from mine and Elijah's first kiss to the moment we shared last night to my revelation this morning.

The realization that it was my lack of confidence and not Ben holding me back felt more like gunshot wounds to my gut rather than the start of a beautiful, self-fulfilling, healing journey. It looked like a new mountain to climb, and I had no gear to help.

Lee mentioned going back to therapy, which I didn't dismiss. I always liked to think I did not need the extra help even though it was in my best interest and necessary.

If I wanted to be with Elijah and be content, I needed to unravel all of the issues lurking inside my maze of a brain, which I could not do alone. And I didn't want to drag Elijah down with me, though I needed to let him know.

Reva knocked on my bedroom door after my shower and asked if I wanted to go out for coffee with her and Penelope. I was about to decline, but I knew if I stayed in this apartment any longer, I would probably cry again, so I got dressed and headed out.

"We should get together with the girls and watch a movie this week."

"I think that's a great idea. What movie should we watch?" Penelope asked in the passenger seat. I opened my and Elijah's messages and texted:

[Me: Sorry about kicking you out this morning and bailing.]

[Elijah: That's okay. Is everything alright?]

[Me: Just soul searching.]

[Elijah: You and me both.]

I smiled and tucked my phone into my purse.

I would fill Elijah in on my soul searching soon.

─── • ───

What is the most recent book you finished & what did you rate it?

TAOF is coming to an end slowly... hopefully by next month if I have the motivation to write that much! Are you ready?

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annasteffeyy

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