.

They were loud and chaotic, but the anticipation of leaving was exhilarating.

I stared at my duffle bag, clutching my plane ticket while my headphones drowned out the sounds of the terminal. It had beena week since Elijah dropped me off at my apartment, and I had not seen him since.

Leila had convinced me to visit for spring break, otherwise, I'd stay cooped up in my apartment re-watching New Girl, which sounded great except for the fact I was spiraling.

The pressure from school projects, work, and my stubborn emotions felt like a bomb ready to blow. My fuse was running short and I could not figure out a way to stop it.

The overhead speakers announced my flight was ready for boarding, so I gathered my belongings and texted Leila I'd arrive in an hour and a half

Smiling, I shoved my phone in my pocket and walked through the plane gate. My seat was snug in the back of the cabin. I shoved my duffle bag into the overhead compartment and settled beside the window.

My phone glowed with texts from my friends telling me to have a good flight, and I told them the same. We usually spent break together, but everyone had plans with their families this year, not to mention I needed to get away.

People filed past me, yet all I could focus on was my email icon with zero notifications. Unable to fight the urge, I refreshed the page to see if there were any new messages. To no surprise, there weren't.

Sigh.

I wasn't sure what I expected or wanted.

So, I set my phone on airplane mode and closed my eyes.

the pilot announcing our landing. The plane skidded across the runway, and I peered out of the window at Philadelphia coming into view. My body buzzed with excitement at the thought of seeing my sister.

I turned off airplane mode and sent a text that I had landed, only to find Leila was already here. As fast as I could, I beeline for pickup and looked around until a black Audi came into sight.

My sister, who was ready to topple over, rushed toward me with open arms. Her brown hair, which looked like mine but longer—thanks to the prenatal she was taking—cascaded down her back.

"I can't squish the baby!" I shouted, putting my hands out.

"The baby will be okay. Hug me right now." She pulled me into her arms and squeezed me. I melted into her body. She smelled like home, and I suddenly had the urge to cry.

"I've missed you," she said. "How was your flight?"

We climbed into the car, and I told her about the flight. It felt great to talk and to let loose. Not that I couldn't let loose around my friends, but it was different with my sister. She knew me because we were so similar.

"How is Mason?"

"He's at work, but he'll be home later tonight. I'd say we could go to the bars but..." we looked at her stomach then laughed.

"That's okay, I've met my quota on alcohol this semester."

She peered at me. "That sounds like a lot of alcohol."

I waved my hands dismissively. We pulled into the apartment parking garage and rode the elevator to their penthouse, which I hadn't been to since winter break. It was just as I remembered, although fewer Christmas decorations.

I set my bag in the spare room and joined Leila on the couch. She had dinner splayed on the coffee table alongside two glasses brimming with Welches sparkling grape juice. We used to pretend this was wine when we were kids.

"You got the goods," I said, hesitating before shoving french fries in my mouth.

"Like all of those late nights in high school."

She was watching me each in her periphery. Her eyes bounced from my food to my mouth. I doubt I was supposed to notice. She was worried about me, but I was too hungry to care today.

We small talked about school and her job, catching up on any major drama. She talked about Allison—her best friend—and her fiancé, Jake. I told her about Dustin, neglecting to mention anything in-depth about Elijah.

Though she still said, "Elijah seems like a real sweetheart."

"He is." My cheeks heated.

"Sweet enough to be dating material?"

I rolled my eyes and pulled a pillow onto my lap, and hesitated. Before I could speak, she gasped dramatically. "He is!"

"Lee," I groaned.

"You paused way too long. I used to pause like that when people would ask me about Mason, but deep down, I wanted him."

"You also gave Mason a run for his money," I snorted, recalling those late-night phone calls about Mason Collins and his poor, but endless, efforts to woo my sister. Oh, and her threats to throttle him.

"Yeah, and if you're anything like me." She cleared her throat. "Stubborn." She cleared it again, and I shook my head. "Then you're also giving this poor boy a run for his money."

Was I?

"But here is the difference, Sade. Mason deserved it. He was an ass. Is Elijah an ass to you?"

I ran my hands over my face, exhaling. Elijah was anything but an asshole. He may have hit that home run and destroyed my art project, but he made up for it in so many ways. Ways he didn't have to but did.

And now here I was, with an incurable fear of being rejected which prevented me from having happiness. Ben may have planted the seeds of fear inside me, but I was the one letting them grow.

Leila rubbed my leg. "I know Ben took a lot from you. Don't let him win again by taking away your future happiness."

The front door swung open and Mason sauntered in. His suit jacket rested over his arm and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He looked like he had a long day. "Look who it is! My favorite sister-in-law is here."

"I'm not your sister-in-law yet. Anyway, I'll be your only sister-in-law."

"You practically are now." He winked, giving me a side hug. Leila tried pushing herself off the couch.

"What did I tell you about getting up for me, babe?" He leaned down and kissed her. They conversed about each other day while I discreetly surfed my phone. Did I blow the only chance I had with Elijah? Was the lack of emails my answer?

"I'm going to my office to finish up work, have fun out here." Mason disappeared down the hall.

"So, Dirty Dancing?" Leila said deviously.

I nodded. "I've missed Patrick Swayze."

By the time the moving was over, we were practically falling asleep. We turned in for the night and as I walked upstairs; I heard Leila and Mason's laughter emanating from their room. My stoic expression turned upward at the sound of their joy. If Leila could overcome her love hardships, so could I.

After my shower, I tossed and turned in bed.

My fingers itched to draft an email.

I opened one, then deleted it.

Then, I opened Facebook and searched for Ben's name. When the search results loaded, I held my phone to my chest, unable to look. "For closure," I told myself, and slowly held my phone upright.

There he was.

Blonde, messy hair. Muscular. Soft eyes that didn't match his personality. I hadn't looked him up in years and just when I thought I'd moved on I was back to square one.

He didn't know I had a Facebook, which is why I could see his account.

If I wasn't staring at his face, I could've sworn our entire relationship was a fever dream. That he was a figment of my imagination. He burrowed himself so deep under my skin, I practically begged him to be my first.

But the sex didn't hurt nearly as much as him pretending I didn't exist.

When I would hang out with my girlfriends and we'd talk about our first time, I pretended I was a virgin because it was less painful than explaining how the first guy I'd slept with ghosted me. He had taken those special moments from me.

Tears welled in my eyes as I hovered over the three dots beside his name and hit the block button.

Needing water, I crawled out of bed, down the dark staircase, and into the kitchen. My feet froze when I saw a figure standing in front of the fridge.

"Fuck, you scared the shit out of me." Mason held his hand to his chest. He paused. "Are you okay?"

I wiped the back of my hand across my eyes. "I'm fine. Just needed some water."

"You're just as bad of a liar as Leila." He patted the island chair for me to sit.

I obliged.

"Do you want tea? Hot cocoa? Leila usually wants coffee when she's sad but it's the middle of the night."

I chuckled. "Thanks, I'll just take water."

He filled and handed me a glass. "Do you wanna talk?"

Is this trip going to be solely therapy sessions for Sadie?

"How do you trust someone romantically?" I blurted out.

He blinked. "Leila is definitely the better person to ask, but I'm assuming you already have?" I nodded. He leaned over the counter, drawing in a breath. "My situation differed from Leila's. I'm sure she's told you I was not the best guy in college. I was an ass. I was emotionally unavailable, had family issues that ruled my life. I didn't believe I deserved love. It took a lot of self-examination to realize my worth, and therapy."

"But you're good now?"

The glow from the city lights illuminated his faint smile. "There are good and bad days, but your sister makes them one hundred times easier to get through. But you have to be mentally strong enough to hold most of your emotional weight or you'll end up taking your partner down with you."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Figure out what is weighing you down and why," he said.

"I already know what and why."

"Then you're halfway there. Is whatever weighing you down from the past or present?"

"Past."

"Now you need to remind yourself that is not your reality anymore."

I pondered for a moment, then began laughing at the absurdity.

How did something so complex seem so simple said aloud?

"We are a lot more alike than I thought," Mason said. "Your sister is good at forgiving people."

"She always has been. I'm glad she's forgiven you."

He smiled. "Me too."

'Ben wasn't my reality,' I repeated in my head. 'Elijah was.'

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QOTD: How is everyone? :) I missed you guys

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annasteffeyy

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