"Jack hun you need to need something for today. It's already nine thirty at night." My mom sighed, coming into her living room with a bowl of rice and veggies along with some chicken. I shake my head and turn the other way, hiding my face in the couch pillow.

For the past two weeks I've been staying with my mom and aunt in their apartment, yeah i've been sleeping on her couch but at least it's shelter. And by what you've just read I haven't been eating well. One meal a day and then at night I head out to seven eleven and buy 2 mini pints of cake batter ice cream, as well a mini bag of hot cheetos. I open the beg and just soak in the smell for Gilinsky, I just usually cry and then have my mom eat them since I can't handle spicy food.

Yes I am THAT white.

"Just leave it on the coffee table and I'll eat it soon. Thank you." I mumble. My mom sits next to my feet, putting them in her lap.

I usually don't talk to her that much about my mental health because there are just certain people that I am a certain way around. She is a true sunshine and deserves the world so I don't want to see her sad. She knows about my depression and anxiety, but I never want to talk about it with her. I'll show it through facial expressions or by the way I move. Or I just say "It's one of those days".

But this feeling was different.

"I remember the first date I had with your father. He's been asking for a while but I never budged, he was the class clown in our chemistry and AP Government and Law class so I figured he was immature, but I finally said yes." She giggled. She never talks about dad, she told me memories, but never old memories before they had me.

"He took me to this planetarium and we walked through absolutely everything. It was all so beautiful, and I learned so much too, he didn't fail to tell me every fact about Jupiter hahaha. Right before we about to leave, he grabbed my hand and ran to the star show they were about to put on. I didn't want to fall asleep so I was hesitant. It was the last show that night so it was just us, an older couple, and a family with a disabled son. We sat two rows back of the old couple and he held my hand as the show started." She gripped her thumb that had a ring on it.

"He of course watched the show and loved learning about the stars. But the older couple caught my eye. The lady rested her head on the old mans shoulder, who had to wheel an oxygen tank with him. He leaned in with her and sighed peacefully. There was a slight pause of speaking and the room was covered with projected stars. He looked up and pointed to the Lyra constellation. 'Thats you Lyra! My star always, for the past 63 years angel.' That was her name and they didn't have titles on the screen, so he memorized it for her. she giggled and kissed his cheek. In that moment I looked at your father, John, and just admired the amazement that he had from seeing the stars." She smiled closing her eyes.

"In that moment some how some way, I knew he was the one that was going to take me to star shows when we are old and need a cane to walk. I rested my head on his shoulder and squeezed his hand. He gasped for a second, but then smiled, I felt his cheeks warm up. Jack he was the love of my life, if you told me 15 years later I would lose him in a car accident with a drunk driver I wouldn't believe you. I would spend weeks and weeks crying and wishing it would've happened to me instead, because he was an amazing man who should've seen his son grow up to be amazing human. I wanted him back and just wanted to wake up next to him again, hug him again, have more children. But he was gone."

Small tears rolled down her cheeks, as well as mine and I didn't even notice. She loved him so much I never noticed. He was her soulmate. "W-Wow mom I never knew." I spoke, sitting up next to her. She pulled me into a side hug, and it was tight.

"The reason I told you that story is because I know you loved Gilinsky. Hell I saw how happy you get at the sound of his name or when he walked in a room. You loved him with every ounce in your body. But things change and it stings, and it's going to sting for a huge while, but you are such a strong man and have been through so much. It's okay to cry it out and wish it never happened, but know your worth, know you deserve the world Jack." She said, holding my hand.

I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing that i'm going to be okay. But in this moment of time i'm hurting.

"I just love him so much. I cant get myself to hate him." I mumbled, looking up to her.

She stood up and wiped her eyes. I can tell she was tired from the long day she had of appointments and errands she ran.

"You aren't going to ever hate him love. Your heart is too pure. Just think of him as a chapter, maybe an important one. You decide when you are finished with it." She spoke, kissing my cheek.

"Goodnight Jack. Love you and please get some rest." My mom smiled and patted my shoulder, walking away to her room. I replied with another I love you and flopped back down into the couch.

He's always on my mind. I just want him in my arms and want to wake up next to him again. His smell, his feel, his body. I cant process that I broke up with him, it hurts knowing that he's now, single, as well as me.

Oh right, he kissed Josh, so who knows where that is. Neither of us have said anything about the breakup on social media, I haven't even been on. I've only been texting V from moms macbook because I left my phone at his house, I didn't want to bother go back and getting it. Anyway she said Gilinsky is a mess. Also hasn't been sleeping or eating well, just smokes weed and eats ramen noodles.

He has a net worth over 10 million yet eats ramen when sad. Noted.

As I was about to cry, I looked over and picked up the plate of food my mom left. I sat up but cuddled into the blanket and started eating the now cold rice and chicken. I also put on "The good place" to watch. Won't lie though, I shed a few tears into the bowl thinking about him.

Two weeks since he left. Since he walked out the door and was too upset to turn back.

I don't blame him. I let another man kiss me. And i didn't bother letting go. But i swear on absolutely everything I didn't enjoy it, it wouldn't have led to me falling in love with him or us having sex. It was a stupid fucking kiss Josh initiated.

I just miss him, my baby JJ. I can't believe he isn't with me, that we aren't a couple. I love him, I want to grow old with him, I want him to join me on tour, I love him!

I finished off the of my first blunt of the night and exhaled the smoke, knowing it's going to take me another one or two to fully be high. As i'm high I don't necessarily forget my problems, I just don't think about them, I think about other things.

I looked out from my patio onto the beautiful city. That's my favorite part about living in LA, it never sleeps. Always something going on, commotion and bright beautiful lights as if I live in a city of stars, which technically i guess i do.

Josh left today. He has been staying around just to find a place to stay, and to get his final check which i respected. He would flirt and I would just roll my eyes and exit whatever room I was in. I'm too sad to even go downstairs and talk to anyone, Vanessa just asks what her duties are for the day and leaves ramen out for me to eat.

I'm glad Josh left though, yes it was also my fault for blaming johnson on something he did or didn't do yet I don't know, but he kissed me knowing I was with JJ. So yes I am pissed at him.

I feel tears rising so I decide it's time for another crying session, letting out a huge sob.

I decided to put on jeans and T-shirt and head to a bar next to my moms complex even if it was almost one am. I needed to think about the whole "gilinsky being my chapter " shit.

The bar was pretty full even it being a sunday night now monday. The dance floor, darts, and pool table were filled, and the actual bar was starting to clear up, but people were still enjoying their drinks.

I walk up and sit down, sighing and running my hands through my hair. Should i even be here? I don't want to get hit on yet, but also this was the only place open this late that wasn't the main lobby or my moms apartment complex.

My life is just peachy.

"Haven't seen you here before, what's the occasion?" A voice asked me. I perked up and it was the bartender, his name tag read Jonah. I smile to him and rest my elbows on the table. "Nothing nothing man. Can I get a scotch on the rocks with a twist?" I ask.

He nods and fixes up the drink right in front of me.

I don't have my phone or anything to do as im here, all i can do is drink and of course think, which won't be too hard.

Do I want Gilinsky out of my life? Of course not, he's such an important person to me. He taught me things I didn't know, he was there for me, I opened up to him often. He loved me and showed me I deserve the best.

And I'll be honest he was my soulmate. We had so much in common and we understood each other. He never failed to make me happy, he would cry, laugh, be mad with me, you know? My other half, yet we weren't even married.

I know there's plenty of fish in the sea, but he was the one god made just for me. Fuck man why are breakups so hard? Should I have even broke up with him? I was the one who initiated it because he was being a douche about the whole post thing. Not only that he fucking kissed Josh and wow it just angers the hell-

"Doing some deep thinking I see. Break up?" The bartender asks, passing me my drink. I snap out my thinking and see him smiling, picking up a cup and cleaning it. I take a sip of the hard liquor, raising my eyebrow.

"How do you know?"

"I've done this job for the past 8 years, I know a broken up man or woman when I see one." He chuckles.

I put the cup down, and consider telling Jonah, a bartender, my problems. Hell my life is already strange let's go for it.

"Oh Jonah do I have a story for you. Get me a bowl of chips and we'll get started." I smile.

He laughs and pours the lays in front of me, as well as opening a beer for himself.

-

"And I just ran out, crying so hard. Dude I love him but you know how heart wrenching it is seeing your boyfriend blame you for something you never did? PLUS kiss another man?" I rant, mad and upset.

It's now one twenty three in the morning, and I went in depth with the story, cried a bit laughed a bit. And lemme say Jonah is a great listener.

The bar was starting to clear up, and I was on my second drink which was now a peach margarita.

"I fully see how you would be upset, if my fiancé did that I would run out on her. Honestly also, I think Josh had something to do with the photo someone posted on your account." He raised his brow, doing someones transaction at the cash register.

"Josh? I mean we had that fight but hm, I just don't know if he would do that. Wait why am I sticking up for him he kissed my fucking boyfriend. Jonah you gotta help me I am in distress." I groan drinking my drink.

He said goodnight to the people and they left. Turning back to me and sipping his beer, he said, "You aren't done with Gilinsky, who by the way great singer good job probably beautiful house. Anyways though, this love isn't found in everyone. It took my girl two years to admit she wanted to be with me, and it took you a shitty boyfriend which was what, a year?" He went on.

"I just don't know. I miss and love him, but I am hurt."

"And that's okay, in no way I am justifying kissing another person while in a relationship is okay, but you both seem to love each other so much and he cares for you and you know you still care for him. Give it time Jack, soon enough you guys are going to cross paths. From what you just told me, he won't let you go that easily. Everything happens for a reason." He explained, cleaning more glass cups.

I nod at his advice. I kind of believe it, we made such an impact on each others life, we aren't going to let go that easily. "You know what, I kind of think you are right. I have a right to feel sad and upset right now, especially at him. But who knows what future holds." I admit sighing.

"That's the spirit! Always know your worth!" He smiles, putting out his hand to high five. I laughed and went along with the high five.

"Hahaha, so now tell me about you and your lucky fiancé Mr. Jonah." I smile, finishing my margarita.

He blushes and puts cups on the shelf. "Long story short, her name is amy and she's basically the Gilinsky to my Jack."

Checking my watch and realizing how late it was, I shrugged. "Get me a martini this time, I want to hear the long story even if it's sappy and cliché. We got all night man." I smile and pass him my credit card.

-M ☁