TW: sh - ignore between the ** if you don't want to read

amelia's POV

when zona told me last week about mads' drug incident, i immediately broke down. i knew there would be some kind of issue at some point along this journey, but i was definitely not ready for it to be right now. i know she has been struggling with cravings recently, but i just can't believe it got this far. i wish she would talk to us about all this, and i know she finds it hard, but if she doesn't, this is going to get so much worse and she will end up relapsing. 

neither zona or i have talked to mads about the incident because she has been in an unpredictable mood recently. i think she is embarrassed about how she was found and that she was in such a state. i'm very glad that link was there to help her though and that zona managed to calm her down. i still wish i could have been there though; sometimes i get jealous that other people are there for her more than i can be because i do so many surgeries. 

i decide this morning that today is going to be the day that i talk to mads about it all. i'm worried that if i leave it too long she will just hold everything she thinks about it inside and it will drown her. i gently push the door open to her bedroom and notice she is still sleeping. i lay down next to her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her close to me. she flips over so that she is snuggled up into me. i love moments like this. 

eventually she seems more awake and i ask her to sit up and talk to me.

'mum really, it's like 8am and you want to talk about all this now?' okay then, she knows exactly what i'm here to talk about then. 

'mads, please, just talk to me, how are you feeling about it all? are you still struggling?' i ask kindly, hoping she will instantly be open and let it all out. 

'i've found a way to cope it's fine. i'm fine mum okay?' she says defensively. 

'oh really, what is it?' i think of every possibility it could be. 

'nothing, it's fine i promise.' mads lays back down, showing she really isn't interested in talking. i beg her a little more before i ask the one thing i'm dreading to ask.

*****

'mads, show me your wrists,' i ask, sadness infiltrating my voice. she ignores me. 'mads.' i say, tears flooding my eyes now. i know exactly what she's doing and it feels as though someone has stabbed me in the heart. my poor baby is struggling so much she has resorted to self-harm. all i want is for her to be able to talk to us about everything and anything, but she's obviously still struggling with opening up. i hug her tightly before leaving the room and heading straight to zona. 

she looks at me and immediately opens her arms for me to lay down in. she knew i was going to talk to mads this morning, so i know that's why she's not asking any questions, but i don't know if i can tell her anything without her getting it out of me. 

*****

arizona's POV

mils has been crying in my arms for a while now and i want to ask what has happened but i also know that she is not in the right mindset for that right now and i really should wait until she is ready. eventually, the curiosity gets the best of me and i am so desperate to ask her.

'mils talk to me. what happened?' 

'our...mads...omg...' is all she can get out between sobs. it hurts to see the love of my life like this, without even knowing what's making her feel like this and with no idea how to help the situation. i comb through her hair with my fingers before she tries again.

'she...zona, she's falling apart. and...and i...i just don't know...how to help...her....anymore' she cries. i whisper sweet nothings in her ear to try to help calm her down but nothing seems to be working. 

*****

'she's self-harming' mils quickly says, before going completely silent and still. she lays her head on my lap and looks up into my eyes, praying for me to say something. suddenly, i cannot get any words out and i look down at her in disbelief. tears begin to fill my eyes and i don't know what to do anymore. mils lifts up a hand to wipe my tears and leans up to give me a kiss. all we need right now is each others support until we can figure out how to help mads with all of this. 

madison's POV

mum found out my secret and i know she left in tears, even though she made no noise, i could just tell she was deeply upset by it. she was never supposed to find out, it was just a thing that was helping me cope, but i guess it wasn't such a good idea. i get dressed and and head downstairs to see how mum is now and whether she's told mama. 

i walk in on mum lying on mama's lap, both with tear stains down their faces, in complete silence. they turn around to look at me and i slowly make my way towards them on the sofa. 

'i'm sorry' i say quietly. 'it was the only thing that made me feel better...and not want drugs.' they are silent and i begin to feel my eyes well up with tears. they hate me. they are disappointed in me. 

*****

'come here bubba' mum says kindly, opening her arms for me to snuggle up with her. i cuddle with her, my head buried into her chest while zona strokes both of our hair. 'i love you. no matter what. but i just want you to tell me what's going on so that we can help. i know you find it hard and i know that it's a struggle, but we're going to get you through this. all together,' she whispers.

'i love you too mads. you're the best daughter i could have ever wished for,' zona says quietly. 

'mum and mama, you could never love me more than i love you. not even your combined love beats what i have for just one of you. you're the best parents i could have ever wished for. however...' i stop for a moment just to compose myself. 'i don't want to stress you out any longer, and i know that everything going on with me is killing you...'

'mads stop it.' mum replies instantly.

'just wait, i...um...i think it might be time for therapy.' i blurt it out as quick as possible. 'and i'm scared, really scared by it, but i think that it is what is best for our family, and i can't allow myself to mess up your lives just because mine is' i take a deep breath, waiting for what comes next. 

mama looks down at mum and smiles so widely, while mum smiles at her before giving me the biggest smile i've ever seen.

'we're so proud of you mads.' zona replies is the sweetest voice ever.