*.*.*.*.*.*

I guess I kind of overreacted.

And by 'kind of', I mean a lot.

When I say that to Xavier after dinner, though, he shakes his head and smiles. His smile is drained, eyes dull, and hair limp. I know he's been badly affected by the death of his mom. He's acting strong, I can tell, but there are moments when he zones out of conversations and just stares into the abysmal space. He'll be right next to me but I can't feel it, like he's miles away and so out of reach.

I get it, at least I try to. I know, though, that I don't understand how he feels. I don't have a good relationship with my Mom so I can't know how it feels to lose her. When I did lose her, there was more bitterness and resentment and less of a sense of 'loss'. There was so much hate that I didn't even want her back.

I try to imagine it, though, losing not my mom but my dad. The thought is so scary, I shove it away most of the time. I can't even imagine losing my dad. It terrifies me to no end.

"What's on your mind?" I ask Xavier.

He's been staring at the carpet for a long time now as we sit on the living room couch. Dad sits in his seat, eyes fixed on the TV as he listens intently to the news. I glance at him to make sure I don't look too creepy when I reach out slowly and take Xavier's hand. Dad doesn't look my way even if he notices, and Xavier doesn't resist. I wind my fingers through his and give his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Not much," he mumbles.

"I'll listen to the little there is," I say.

The corners of Xavier's lips twitch and he sighs, closing his eyes briefly. "Just wondering what I'm going to do now."

"About what?" I ask, feeling kind of stupid for not knowing what he's talking about.

Xavier hesitates. "About my life," he says at last. "It's like ... I've spent all this time knowing what I want to do. Work, save up enough money to get out of here, get Mom into rehab, and that's it. It was my plan, you know? All this time. It's what I aimed for. My dream."

I lean over and wrap my other hand around his too. He smiles a little, glancing at me. His smile doesn't reach his eyes, though, and I can see it; he didn't just lose his Mom. He lost his purpose in life.

"It's like the path I set out for myself is on fire," he adds. "And I'm standing here. Lost for direction. Nowhere to go."

"You'll figure it out," I say, unsure of the right words to say. "I know it's tough right now. I mean, I can see. I don't know if it'll be okay but we can hope, right? You'll get through this. We'll figure it out."

"We?" Xavier's smile widens, still as sad as before.

"Yes." I nod. "We."

He slowly shakes his head. "Our paths aren't the same. They're not going the same way. They're not in the same state."

I open my mouth but no words come to me.

"My path is on fire, Haley," he says softly. "Not yours. We're not in this together."

"I'll join you on your path," I say.

"I have no path anymore."

"Then join me on mine."

Xavier sighs and bows his head. He doesn't speak and I know what I'm saying is stupid. Of course, he won't answer. What is he supposed to say?

I lower my gaze to our intertwined hands and frown. There isn't much I can say to reassure him. What do you even say to someone who just had his entire life flipped on its head? In the span of one evening, he lost his mother, his home, his entire world. Is there anything I can say to make him feel better about it? I don't think so.

I mean, if I lost my dad, I don't think any amount of reassurances and any kind words would make me feel even a tiny bit better. And my life doesn't even revolve around him. Xavier, on the other hand, had his path carved around his mom's life.

Thinking, I look towards Dad and see his eyes drooping. He yawns pointedly, leaning back in his seat. He has to go to work again tomorrow yet he's been spending more time than usual with Xavier and I. I think he means to show Xavier that he's not alone. He promised Xavier he'd be here. I think this is his way of showing it.

The thought warms my heart and I can't help but smile. The more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have a father like him. For the seventeen years of my life, he's been everything. He's been my father and my mother, my siblings and my friends. He's been someone I look up to more than I can say and he's been my rock. Dad grounds me and lifts me up.

I look from Dad to Xavier and it hits me, the uncanny similarity. They don't look alike, and yet it's so strange to see how alike they are. Tired eyes, sad smiles, hearts of gold. While Xavier's life revolved around his mom, my dad's life revolves around me. For as long as I can remember, he's always put me first. I don't remember him ever talking about himself, bringing up how tired or lonely he is. I can sense it sometimes when I'm out too late with friends and come back to find him waiting. I've tried to get him to spend time with friends and go out again, start dating. His answer is always a light laugh and a shake of the head.

This one time I asked him about it. I'd been sitting on this very couch and filling out my Stanford application. I asked him if it was too far away and he'd shrugged.

'Too far from what?' he'd asked.

'You,' I'd said.

Dad had chuckled. 'No matter how far you go, I'll still love you. Besides, I don't want you to give up on your dreams just to be with me.'

I hadn't noticed it then but I do now. Now I understand why he doesn't want me to give up on my dreams; because that's what Mom accused him of doing. She said having a child and getting married made her give up on her dreams. She said Dad made her give up on her dreams.

Sitting here next to Xavier and under the wing of my dad, I know for sure she was wrong. She made the choice to get married and she decided to have me. She didn't have to but she chose to do it and then she chose to leave. Dad, on the other hand, chose to stay. Just like Xavier who chose to stay with his mom. I don't blame Mom for leaving but I do blame her for blaming Dad for it. Dad has never done that to me. Not once has he ever told me he stayed for me while Mom left. He didn't blame me for his decisions. He owned them.

Like Xavier is owning his.

And I should own mine.

My decisions are on me, and so are my dreams. I know that if I leave, neither Dad nor Xavier will blame me. But I have to ask myself if it's worth it.

For the past two years, I've told myself Standford is my dream. I'll be happy when I get into it, I've told myself. Sitting here now, I realize I'm already happy. I have two amazing human beings around me, both of whom adore me and care about me. One has spent his entire life being whatever I need while the other is battling his fears to stay with me because I want him to.

So I ask myself: would getting into Stanford really make me happy?

Will I be happy knowing my Dad is alone? Will I be happy knowing Xavier is?

Maybe. Or maybe I'll regret it every minute of every day.

Xavier's path is on fire, he said. Mine, I realize, isn't even clear. He's standing still while his path burns to ash. I'm standing here while mine fades from view.

I start to wonder if we're ever really sure of the path we've set out for ourselves. And what if we're wrong? What if the path we set out for ourselves isn't really the path for us?

Are we allowed to decide if we want to change our path and take a new one? Or do we follow a path even when we know it's leading the wrong way.

Maybe I'll never know.

Or maybe I already know.

I'm just too afraid of taking the wrong path.

*.*.*.*.*.*