*.*.*.*.*.*

Xavier

It's been a while since I was so at ease.

Haley seems quiet, talking less ever since she came here. She doesn't laugh as much as she usually does, but her wide eyes watch me just the same. It used to make me self-conscious when we first started interacting. Now, though, I know she doesn't judge me. I can be myself with Haley.

If I'm quiet, she keeps trying to talk. If I'm talking, she listens and giggles and blushes and her eyes do weird things. It's cute and funny and I have a hard time fighting my smile sometimes. It's never happened before, but I kind of like it.

I kind of like Haley.

She squats down on the ground and I join her, leaning against the wall and staring off into the distance. The place is quiet and peaceful and I like being here, mostly because I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me and asking me dumb questions. The only time I was caught here was when a teacher saw me climbing the stairs. Mr. Robinson and I had a chat afterward about whether or not I was smoking or doing a drug. I told him I'm clean and he believed me.

At least someone does.

"How was Christmas break?" Haley asks.

I glance at her. She sits next to me with her legs folded under her, turned fully towards me. Her eyes are wide and curious, a cute smile set on her face.

"It was okay," I answer.

"Did you go somewhere or stay at home?"

I hesitate.

I'm being honest, yes, Christmas break was okay. I stayed out of the house most of the time, asking for overtime at work. My boss didn't think working over Christmas was the best thing but we sat together, a bunch of us, and just had some drinks. Being underage, I didn't drink alcohol. My colleagues and boss are nice enough to let me stick around even if they don't approve of my lifestyle. One of them once saw me talking to a guy who smokes weed and they got into a massive fight.

While I did feel bad about it, I'm glad I have someone to look out for me.

So yeah, that was nice, I guess. I had a little break for Christmas, spent some time with people, and felt normal for a while.

I kind of miss it; feeling normal.

Home isn't the best these days, hasn't been in years. Christmas was slightly better than the past several years, though, I assume because Dad was gone out of Texas to see his ex-wife and kids. I haven't been with Mom on my own in so long. It was nice having some time with her without any fear of an outburst.

"Xavier?"

I blink when the sound of Haley's voice reaches me. Looking up at her, I see her peeking at my face with concern.

"Haley?" I say.

Color rises up her face and she lowers her gaze, smiling sheepishly. I can't help but smile too, noting how cute she is. I've noticed how much she notices the little things and just glows with joy at them. She likes me, sometimes I feel like she does. Other times, I just wonder if she's being nice to me because of the night she found me sitting in the rain outside my house. Maybe she just feels bad for me and wants to help me. She doesn't know much, though, so even if this is true, there's only so much she can sympathize with me for.

"I forgot what I was going to say," she mumbles.

I almost laugh. "Tell me when you remember."

She looks up again, her smile widening as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. I notice the waves floating back onto her face and have half an urge to reach out and romantically push it back. It seems too cheesy, though, and I swallow, shaking the thought out of my head.

"This place is nice," she comments, looking up and around the place. "Just stay away from the edge. It's scary."

I smile. "It's nice."

"Scary," she repeats, eyes boring into mine. "You're supposed to stay safe, okay?"

She looks at me like I'm a little kid she's trying to convince to stay safe. Looking at her face, the only image that comes to my mind is that of a young woman telling her child not to run onto the road with running traffic. I almost tell Haley that but then don't. Instead, I smile and shake my head.

Her fingers pokes at my knee and I raise my eyebrows, unable to fight my smile anymore.

"You think of doing anything crazy and I'll tie you up and lock you in my closet," she threatens.

Kinky.

"Really?" I cock an eyebrow.

"Yes," she states firmly. "I will --"

"Tie me up?"

She pauses halfway, blinking as if trying to make sense of what I'm saying. Her eyes widen and so does my smile, and I think it finally sinks in.

"That's not what I meant," she breathes.

"Mhm." I grunt.

To avoid looking at her and making her more uncomfortable, I look up at the sky. Clouds float overhead, and I inhale a deep breath and close my eyes. It's such a calming sensation, just being here under the shade of the clouds as I sit here, away from noise and people and stress. I think back to the good old days, when Mom wasn't such a mess and Dad wasn't always angry. I think back to the time I had friends and a future and dreams and hopes. I still have some, but now they all revolve more around Mom and less around myself. She's all I care about.

Kinda.

Cause now there's Haley too.

"If I do jump ..." I trail off.

Haley stiffens next to me and I look down at her to notice her face paling. She squares her shoulders and inhales deeply.

"You won't," she says. "Will you?"

I take a few moments to think of an answer.

Will I jump from this building? Honestly no. It's not high enough to kill me unless I land straight on my head of on a fence that breaks my neck clean. And the last thing I want is to be stuck with a broken leg or spine and to be incapacitated. I'd lose my job and be dependent on my parents. Mom can't take care of me, that much I know. As for Dad, he won't take care of me. I don't expect him to.

Doesn't mean I don't think about it. Jumping, I mean. Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to soar through the air and land on that hard ground and not wake up. I wonder how it would feel to be found there, sleeping permanently, by some students who suddenly came across my body. I wonder if they'd be sad or if they'd laugh it off, the 'freak' finally gone for good.

Then I remember how my mom would feel. How she'd react. She wouldn't be able to handle it; I'm all she's got. I think about my boss and the people I work with, who look out for me like their own son and who make sure I don't get pulled into the wrong crowd. I think of Mr. Robinson and how much he tries to help me. He might lose his job. He might lose sleep; he couldn't stop a kid from killing himself.

I think about Haley and her father, the man who looks at me like I'm not some street rat dressed in black and blue in the face. I think of the Christmas gifts they got me, of the food they offer, the light chatter they make. It seems so simple but it's so much, because it makes me feel okay for a while. Makes me feel normal.

"You won't, right?" Haley repeats.

I nod and smile, wanting to reassure her I won't.

Yeah, I won't. I'm afraid of what it would mean for me to jump, of the possibilities. I don't like my present but maybe the future will be better. Chances are slim but they're there. Maybe I'll get out of Texas after all, take Mom along and get her the help she needs, leave Dad forever. Maybe I'll call my old friends and tell them I miss them, that I wish I'd stayed in touch when they tried to meet up with me or asked how I'm doing. Maybe I'll open up to Mr. Robinson at last and actually talk to social services, tell everyone the truth and stand up for myself.

Maybe I'll finally pluck up the courage to ask Haley out, to thank her father and my boss and my teachers, to not hide behind my black clothes and silence because I'm too afraid of what saying the truth actually means.

Maybe one day I'll be okay.

"We should go," I say, getting to my feet and shaking the dust off my black jeans.

Haley opens her mouth to say something, hastily following suit. I don't look at her, though, heading towards the stairs leading back down. A hand grabs mine before I can, though, and I freeze.

"Xavier."

I turn back to Haley, wide-eyed and taken aback. She doesn't let go of my hand, holding on as her panicked gaze scans my face.

"Promise me," she says, breathless.

I don't know what she means.

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself," she says.

My lips part in surprise.

"Please," she insists, almost pleading. "Promise me you'll never hurt yourself. If you think about it, tell me. Talk to me, okay? Or Dad. Anyone. Just don't do anything. Please."

Her eyes sparkle with unshed tears and I'm shocked to see how much she cares. I know she likes me but maybe I'm underestimating her. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it and she's actually just afraid for me. Maybe she's just trying to watch out me. Like her father.

I nod.

"No, promise me."

"Yeah." I clear my throat. "I promise."

Her face relaxes and her stiff shoulders slump. She drops my hands and exhales a shaky breath.

"Thank you." She forces a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

I turn to the stairs again, leading her down them. She doesn't speak and nor do I, each lost in our own thoughts. I don't know what she's thinking, but the only thought on my mind is if it's about me.

*.*.*.*.*.*