Recently memories of her past life as Lara come to her mind. Start from her childhood time, to the time where she is still a teenager, or to the very last years of her life. The memories could be so random that sometimes feels so melancholic, but mostly all of them are terrifying.

"... You know, ,ma'am. Life is something that you can not control, you know?" he said, with his naïve expression that always annoys Lara back then. " Even with your power and money, only that thing is something you can not control."

He who always tried to stay with her, somehow got to the situation when she ended up leaving him be near her. " Don't talk, you are still a child." and she would like to ignore him as she already knew she could not win against his stubbornness.

" I am just saying as you seem so confident about yourself."

and Lara frowned at him, " You dare to talk to me like that?" and it was not anger, it was pure confusion as she was somehow questioning why he has the courage.

and he lifted his shoulders, " Well you always do, so-" he said while smiling. " ... I just want you to know that there is something that you could not get in this world. This world is beautiful, and that is also uncontrollable. If both of them are then uncontrollable, why not choose the one that could make you happy?" and he pointed to the big window inside her elegant office that show a beautiful purple-ish color with a bright orange of the sun that dyed the scenery of the city, " ... even now, the sky is very beautiful."

and she frowned while holding her hands tight because of the memory. ' It is indeed, beautiful.' while looking at the sky above her that shows a very bright blue color. Yet, her heart felt so heavy, and she could not enjoy the scenery as she usually does.

' ... you always see the beauty of the world, despite how it brings you a tragedy.' because even after long times, from the times he is gone and the first time Lara met him, he always put his sweetest smile as he got nothing but happiness inside his life. ' You always talking about your wife and your child, because they are all important for you.'

Yet, she will mock him every time he did that. Saying of his feeling was nonsense because she believed no one could give such happiness to anyone in this world.

" She is always with me. She is a good wife and mother." but she will ignore him with his ridiculously smile. " I like to hug her, you know. She gives her the comfort I could not get from anyone."

and ironically, she, who has once despised those words finds herself in the same situation.

'... Yes, I know, now.'

' I could see it too.'

and every time she realizes even further about it, her heart is aching so much. To the point, she will hold her head that gives her so much pain she could not bear. The guilty feeling to feel the comfort in somebody is overwhelming her, as she is now hard to breathe.

'... while I ruined your life.'

so how come Lara let herself gets the happiness while she was the one who made them never felt it again?

' I am so sorry.'

' I am so sorry.'

and even she keeps saying that, the pain still has not yet stopped.

"... Sister... please.." and even now in front of her, her purpose of life holding her hands with her tears streaming down in her cheeks- irisha has no power to bring herself to comfort Arisha anymore. It just becomes more painful whenever she looks at the innocent eyes that sincerely crying for her.

' Because I am a sinner.' and it terrifies her so much to imagine how her little sister will see her if she knows the truth.

She frowned, painfully. [... please go,] while her hands trembling to let her know, [ I am sorry but, please go...] because it hurts so much for Irisha to see her right now.

' It will be better if you shot me, instead of yourself.' she thought...to the woman who always comes to her mind, ' he is right, she is really a kind wife and mother... She is really a good woman," because, despite the sins that she had done, the woman choose to shoot herself instead of her.

' ...but, it will be better if I die in your hand.' so at least, the pain will be lesser as Irisha could think the woman's pain is half gone because she knew that the sinful woman who took her loved husband and baby, already die in her hand. Yet, Irisha smiles weakly. ' ... but, you are too good to do that, is not it?' it will be too dirty for someone innocent like that woman to do that.

' ... but, it is too much even for me.'

' It is so painful.'

' It really is.'

....and whenever she is in her worse state, she will unconsciously seek help from that man with his soothing eyes. That always looks at her with his affectionate gaze as if he thought that Irisha is his whole world. The desire that she tries to keep inside slowly comes to the surface seeking the embrace of the one who she misses...

and it will hurt her even more because she knows, she can not do that. She can not because she is a sinner with too many sins for her to seek the comfort that she desperately wanted. Her sins are too many, to make her have no courage to let people know.

She drowns in the despair of her guilt, her frustration, her desire, and her fear that torture her every second she breathes. It feels so painful. It is agonizingly painful.

the screams inside her, starting to let her go crazy.

WHOOOSEE!!

Yet then, strong wind shakes the windows of the room she stays in. Makes Irisha stands up in confusion before a big white dragon she once saw perch in her balcony's trail. The doors that the maid left open to make her feel better, let the second princess that Irisha tries to avoid inside.

[ What.. are you doing... here?] and she steps back in fear while looking at the princess who now is giving Irisha a painful expression.

"... please, hear me out." and how she looks desperate makes Irisha's heart starts to shake. Yet, her fear overpowers all her feeling and create uncontrollable anxiety.

Irisha then turns away, to then find Edward that runs toward her with Arisha who is being held by the maid behind him. " Come here," he said while grabbing her hand and putting Irisha behind him. He makes Irisha could not see Ivy anymore, and face Arisha with an expression that she finds hard to face.

" I need to talk with Sister Irisha." the second princess said.

but Edward looked at her in abnormal fury, while trying to compose himself. " ... even though we are living in this empire, does not mean you can do anything as you please, Princess." even though, the princess might, yet- there is nothing Edward could do in such a situation other than said that.

" This is urgent! I need to tell Irisha something important!" she said, desperately screaming.

yet Edward still does not move, "... she does not want to meet you. You already got her message, is not it?"

and the princess frowned painfully, "... I know." and it pains the princess so much as Irisha is always someone that is special even for her, " Even so... my brother now is in dang-"

" Ms.Irisha has nothing to do regarding His Grace." he cut her off.

and she looks at him in confusion. " ...what? but my brother now is-"

" Please, don't bother her again," he said. "... she is now in so much pain, and she should not think about something like this." after a while looking at the princess that desperately wished for Irisha behind his back, he said. " ... If you truly care of Ms.Irisha, you will let her be."

and the princess that he once knew as a wicked one, could not even show her wicked pheromone and instead shows him a painful expression that he never expected that princess will show. The princess looks like she is in so much despair, as it shows off in her face- but, Edward feels that if he lets his empathy now, he will entirely lose Irisha from his hand.

His heart feels so heavy when the princess then slowly turns away, but he closes his eyes because this feeling will eventually end.

" DON'T!"

but, a strong voice comes out when suddenly Edward sees Arisha running to the princess. " Don't go, sister! Please don't go!" while Edward then turns himself to Irisha who is now looking at Arisha in panic. " Sister, something is happening to His Grace." and how she is now telling Irisha about something Irisha should not know.

and her eyes widen, and her expression changing- [ Wha-]

" I-" but Edward holds her shoulder frantically. " Don't! please, don't do that." he then, desperately tell her something she could not understand.

Yet how could he let her understand? while it means, she will go from him eventually.

[ What do you mean?] and she asked in confusion.[ What is happening here?] as she looks like she screams to understand the situation.

" Let me talk with my sister, mister!" Arisha said.

" Sister Irisha should know what is happening with my brother-"

" STOP!" and he yelled while somehow shaking Irisha unconsciously and making her look at him in fearful confusion. He then frowned, while slowly letting go of her shoulders and starting to talk. "... you do know that I am falling in love with you right?" while he then looks at Irisha, that then sees an expression that he somehow expected. A kind of expression, where she has the answer of his question but decides for not doing anything to talk about it any further. Then he smiles weakly, " Am I not good, Ms.Irisha?"

"... I will give you everything you wanted, provide you the best thing I could ever get, and treat you well." he said.

[... why are you talking about this right now?]

and he looks at her, pitifully. " Because... somehow, I believe you will go away right now."

then Irisha frowned, while then looking at the princess behind him with her worried expression. Then Irisha's eyes widen as if she starts to understand the situation, [ Is something happening to His Grace?] as Irisha passes Edward slowly to talk to the princess. Leaving Edward unconsciously alone while holding his hands tightly and trying to compose himself by the pierced pain to his heart.

' ... Is he that important for you?' and he feels it so unfair after he turns back and sees Irisha showing the expression she never gives to him.

[ What is happening to him?] even, the words come smoothly even though recently it feels so hard to wake Irisha up from her own thought.

Yet, now. Irisha looks like she is fully aware while talking with the princess, who is now frowning painfully. " ... These last days, he used his power so much." the princess then said while looking at Irisha, "... you might not know but, humans never be a good container for such power. It was too powerful, to begin with. If... a dragon's blessing... used the power to its fullest, it might break him from the inside.... and eventually then, the dragon's blessing might die."

***

" He might die."

" He is losing his control to the blood, and it might ruin his internals."

"... If we let him be, he might die."

and those words, ringing in Irisha's head since the princess told her too. At that second, the energy inside Irisha's body that recently she seeks, suddenly burst inside her. Forcing herself to move to the place where he is.

Her heart thumped so hard. The strange anxious feeling that she could not describe inside her heart, make Irisha could not do anything other than move to be with him right now. The huge desire of her that Irisha always hides suddenly comes to the surface overpowering the fear that holds her to be with him.

her longing for that man, could not she hold anymore as she then choose to ride the princess's dragon as fast as they could because... Irisha needs to see the prince right now. She needs to feel him, at that moment.

She has to.

because... death is not something favorable and Irisha is the one who knows it better than anyone.

The are many regrets she has done in her life that started from the regretful death. The deaths that thick with a rustic blood aroma and disgusting texture of fleshes. The fear of it is lingering inside her since the day she knew about her sin.

to think that the man with the touches she always misses, with the embrace who always warms her up, and the gentle smiles who always looks at her affectionately- is now walking into his death= the thought of it makes Irisha could not find herself to calm down.

' I don't want it.'

' Please... don't let him..'

She just holds her hands tight while somehow praying inside her heart.

There is nothing she could not think despite him in her mind.

... and her heart feels hurt, while she is now looking at the fire that burst out in the air. Firing the blue sky above them and covered it with a cloud of thick black smoke.

" We can not go near than this." The princess said after they are landing in the flat land outside the thick forest that is now burning in front of her. While many knights and dragons fly over above them and others land while looking at the chaos. "... brother's pheromone is so thick, it might hurt normal human... even I feel so much pain right now," the princess said.

[ But then how we get him-] and she stopped, followed the princess who was surprised by a loud explosion who made the princess seem like she is screaming now. Then Irisha desperately wants to understand the situation in this silent chaos that she sees in front of her own eyes.

" ... I don't know! I don't know what should I do-" but the princess also loses her sense, " It never happened to us, it should not! He might die-" she said frantically, " ... I could not get over him with Ahava because, his pheromone will just control Ahava's mind... No one here, could not stop- SISTER!!" but Irisha then runs to the forest, in the time the princess is not fully aware. Irisha runs inside a pitch-black forest caused by the thick black smoke.

Irisha even has to close her mouth and nose with her clothes to make sure she is not inhaling the smoke. The forest feels so hot as if it burns her. Yet, there is no such fire despite the darkness. Even she has no idea of where she is going right now.

' Your Grace!'

but, despite how hurtful her breathe now, how the heat burns her skin and, how the darkness and the silence she feels so threatening as she could not hear any sounds to make her aware- Irisha understands of how terrifying the situation she is in, yet, she could not stop running.

'... I want to see him.'

the golden eyes that look at her dearly. With his silly smiles that he always put on his face while somehow gently touched her cheeks.

She frowned painfully,

' ... don't go anywhere that I could not find you.'

the idea of it feels so tormenting.

She might be losing herself if he is gone.

'... I am sorry.'

he was hurt, painfully, and it was all because of her.

' I prefer you to despise me instead of losing you now.'

somehow, if she should suffer from the fear of the rejection of him after knowing who she truly is, Irisha will gladly take it, instead to take the fact that there will be a world where he is not there.

' So please, don't leave me-'

and she begged as she is screaming inside her heart and running through the forest that ignites the fire. It feels painful, yet, her mind could not even feel the heat as her gaze now looks to the man in the blazing fire surrounded by mad dragons that throw fire everywhere.

' YOUR GRACE!'

... and she screams, yet no word comes out.

she holds her chest, which feels a sudden loss of air that throbbing her lung. She kneeled, as she can not breathe. She tried, but the pheromone feels like it squeezes her inside.

She starts to lose consciousness.

His appearance starts to get blurry inside her sight.

'... Your Grace..' and even the screaming inside her heart could not keep up with this dreadful and agonizing situation.

but,

you know?

....his embrace was always warm whenever she felt it.

Somehow, if she dares to ask for more, she wants to hear the sound of his voice and hear him calls her name. While imagining the type of his voice that probably will be calming with a low deep sound. Yet, still, her favorite part will be always when he gently caress her or hugs her from behind.

Despite her calming composure, she was always tried to hold herself to not spill any expression in front of him whenever he tucked her hair behind her ear.

She was always trying to find the distraction of her thumped heart, that could change her cheeks' color easily if she was not be careful.

.

She was always pretended to not realize anything about her feeling or him because she was thinking all of it will be in vain.

... Yet, now. somehow- even in this situation, a mere deaf and mute woman like her could bring herself to stand up again and run to him fast. Reach her hands to the man who is still not aware of her existence.

Then, just when her hands reach him, she eventually hug him and holds him tightly with her heavy breath.

' Your grace!'

and how she tries to cling on to him as much as she could before the man swayed and both of them fell to the ground. She then pushes him down while holding both of his hands with hers to make the prince then look at Irisha.

The man with his golden eyes who is now looking at her feels different from the one she knows. Even though she holds the same body, looking at the same body, she could feel how he is not himself now and it hurt her so much, as she is now imagining something she should not.

She then frowned desperately, ' come back. please come back to me.' while trying to hold his hands with her trembling tiny hands. Even herself was confused about how she could get that much energy to stop him, or- it is him that holds himself for her. Either way... Irisha's hoping he will come back to her.

"...om... ek" and she tried, to tell him and frowned, bitterly. " ....is..om...ek" called him back, hoping he hear it.

The sound that she, herself could not even hear and that very moment, she wished so hard to let a voice out to call him back to her. Even if just one time,

' Please hear me.'

but, even do she wishes it so much, no sound comes out from her mouth.

and she starts to feel hopeless, while her hands still trembling. She bitterly shows the pain in her expression while looking at his golden eyes,

.

.

then,

" ... Irisha-" and at the same time as her eyes widen while looking at his lips movement- the crown prince wakes up and let's go from her hands before then hugging her tightly. It feels so stuffy but, in the times she smells his scent, all the tension in her shoulder crumbles into pieces. Unconsciously, her hands reach him and hug him tight while calming herself down in his embrace that she always desperately seek.

Then, big hands of him hold her cheeks while looking at her deeply.

He frowned, " You are here?" as if he thought she is just a hallucination.

and when the golden eyes she knew looked at her, her tears that never once she lets out in her entire life, streaming down like a river on her cheeks. [ Don't go anywhere.] while she told him that with her trembling hands. [ Don't go somewhere, I could not reach you.]

and he frowned, " But you are the one, who did that." as his smiles widen up as he puts his face close to her face as if it is the only way for him to calm down, and it feels so nice whenever she could feel his breath near her. " Don't go away from me."

" You can't."

and even though Irisha could not understand things he was talking about because his hands hold her cheeks while wiping up her tears- She could feel his feeling toward her entirely.

' This man needs me like the way I need him.'

He needs her, as she needs him too.

It feels so fascinating even for her to know and realize of how she could feeling so right whenever she feels the lingering feeling of whenever he touches her. His calming scent that she could smell and the warmth of his body that embraces her tightly- feel so captivating.

It feels so right to feel him in her arm.

' So please, forgive me.'

because, he needs her, as she needs him too.

So, please forgive her, as she has to live this life until the day for them to be apart come.

***