[ I feel so tired... Your Grace]

the image of her miserable expression while she told him that words still vividly in his mind. He could not find any pleasure in that words. It felt so disgusting and annoyed him to the core, but- he could not even express it as if his throat closed tightly.

It was the first time he felt no air inside his lung.

despite the fury inside him, despite the fact that he wanted to yell at her badly about why she choose this path- he ended up looking at her while feeling so empty.

' Why do you always try to go away?'

and why... his heart feels a strange uncomfortable feeling he could not understand.

' Is it because I dig too much?'

but, how could he is not? as whenever he found her struggling and suffering as if she tried to let out something that stuck in her throat, while palely trembling- it shakes his heart. So, tell him how is he supposed to react?

he frowned painfully, in the darkness of his room. Her fragrance that still lingers tortures him to the level he never expects.

" That damned trauma."

As his whole life was always full of wicked things- he never thought in his life there will be a time when there is a big hatred inside his heart to a mere trauma. To make it even worst, he could not eliminate it with his own hands as it is something he could not touch.

' If I should fight it for you, I would.'

He already did something for her that he never expected he would do- to even care about someone existence as much,

' do you ever realize how I longed for you while you were not here?'

even he is now longing for her who is not in the place he could see entirely.

This is so frustrating.

he never feels this kind of frustration. It annoys him so much as he then spreads his pheromone uncontrollably and fills the whole room- something he denies to us much as it takes away his sanity. Yet, he does not care as he is not familiar with what he should do in this kind of feeling. Of how he vents his anger.

' because I could not force you, am I?'

as it feels as he is the one who is in pain more than her if he ever do that.

' ... and I am now talking about pain?'

Ironically, for someone like him? it is truly a laughing matter, is not it? surely it is.

***

.

.

it has been a month after Irisha and Arisha went back to their house. Irisha asked for an undetermined time off. It shocked people as it is something that suddenly happened and Irisha is no one but one of the important people in the palace so, her sudden leave creates a big fuss in the governor. Yet, the crown prince gave the permission himself so no one can complain about it.

The world then just runs as usual as nothing happened. It is always like that despite the fact that there are many people affected by this sudden change. Even Arisha who is just still a child feels the change of her that she is now could not do anything.

" I will take Arisha to school," Haya said while smiling at her who is now standing in front of her front door house. Fix her shawl and smile weakly. " My wife will also come too, later on. She cooks something for both of you."

and she is smiling. [ Thank you. Please, take care of Arisha.] and she is now is in a state where she could not even fake her expression anymore. Her face paled, and she could not even face Arisha who looks at her in worry.

" ... I will go sister," she said sullenly.

and she nodded, [ Be careful.] and he waves her hands, and stands there until she could not see them anymore. Then her smile will eventually fade, while she then walks into her empty house that feels so terrifying.

She goes to her kitchen, opens the pills bottle she bought to help her calm herself down. She then drinks it and tries to exhale and inhale the air that recently start to feel heavy.

She frowned painfully while holding her head as it will burst and explode at the moment. Yet, human desire is indeed so terrifying.

' Stop it.'

and the voices feel so tormenting.

' Please, stop it...'

even she begged.

Yet, the voices... take away her sanity.

the light then flashed several times, for her to then look at it in the miserable face. She looks at the front door as it is some sign that there are people in front of her house.

' Is it Haya's wife?' she thought, as she then tidy up her medicine and walks to the front door to open it. It feels strange because Haya's wife already has the key she gave them, and her doubt is true after she found out that in the front door of her house stands someone else. [ Mr.Edward?]

the young businessman that she has not met for quite a while. " Halo, Ms.Irisha," he said with her sweet smile.

and she confused, [ ... Halo.] she said as she then smiles, [ I am not expecting you to come to my house.]

" Well... yes," he said. " I just want to visit you." he then looks at her for quite a while, then tries to keep the smile on even though he realizes something wrong with her. " ... it's been a while."

[ Yes, it is.] she said. [ Please come in, I will pour you some tea.]

" May I?" asked him expectantly.

and she tilts her head, [ You come all the way here... or just passed by?]

" No, no no! it will be my pleasure!" he said. " Please excuse me." he then walks into the house and sits on the comfortable sofa in the very first room in this house.

[ I will prepare some tea for you first.] she said before she then leaves him alone in this room with nice decoration and cozy vibe. Somehow he could easily say that this is really Irisha's style because she will always look so calm and comfortable with everything around her every time he looks at her- yet, it feels different today.

Regardless of how she still looks calm and composed, smiling like there is nothing happened and sitting down in front of him with her usual demeanor. " ... people in the palace asked about you," he said, while starting to realize even though she does look the same, she is not facing him as she usually does.

' You are not okay, are not you?' but, strangely enough, it is so difficult to voice it up.

[... I feel like I need a break from the hectic work.] she then smiles weakly, [ I am sorry for that.]

" Human do need a rest, Ms.Irisha."

then she nods. [ Yes.] as if that casual word impacts her so much.

'... You look so tired.' somehow, the bright side of her fading to somewhere he could not understand. Yet, she always tries to put a smile on her and have a normal conversation as it is normal for her.

' Can not you tell me, what is happening?'

" I am waiting for you, and I will be here always," he said without any sign language. It feels so terrifying to say it in front of her as if he knows she will eventually disappear from his sight if he does say so. " There is a festival near this area, would you like to see?"

[ Festival?]

" Yes. You should take a look," he said. " ... If you feel alright, I will accompany you. ]

She takes a while before she talks. She looks at the window near the front door and turns away, [ Should I?] asked her while smiling.

and it makes him so excited. " Then, shall we go now?"

She then nods, before then they go with his carriage to the festival Edward just said. He is positive that the annual festival to celebrate the passing season is something Irisha would like. As she is always like that from the start. There are many beautiful things that he surely thinks she will feel so excited and go around to many stands that are selling many unique things. He imagines her excitedly dancing with the people here or playing around with the flowers that are scattered everywhere.

Yet, she just standing while looking into the crowd as she is now drowning with something inside her mind. She is indeed talking to him when he brings up a topic, but, he feels like she is not here with him.

'... you can tell me.'

yet again, it is really hard to tell it out loud. It is very terrifying to let her know that he is here for her.

' Even though you are the one who tells me how the world is beautiful.' Yet, seems this beautiful festival will never help her to realize.

he frowned before he smiles widely. " That satay is a local cuisine, I will buy it for you. Please wait here." There is nothing he could do despite being with her and trying to cheer her up. A little thing might change something, and he always believes in that. So please... just gives him a chance-

" Ms. Irisha?" and his eyes widen to find out that there is no Irisha in every corner his eyes looked at. " Ms. Irisha?!" and he yells while his composure starts to crumble. He then runs, all over the places in hope that he could find a brunette hair he wishes to touch, a tiny body he wishes to embrace- yet,

' I am losing in any way is not it?'

as in front of him, he feels once again the unfairness of how she could show her expression to the man where people are terrified of.

***

.

.

She thought that she will be her usual self if she then decides to go away from the place she should not be. She thought that, if she go back to the place she was, these voices will try to calm down. Yet, since the last day she looked at the golden eyes, the vivid dreams of the bloody woman will eventually come.

... and it makes her, screaming inside desperately even though the place she is now depicted a clear joy and fun where many people dancing in their best mind.

" You can not be happy as you are a murderer."

" You are the one who killed them."

" You are the one who killed me."

and the thick blood will be eventually covered her imagination as her nausea will try to attack her once more.

' I could not understand what things you just said.' and she said it inside her heart while looking at Edward who is talking in front of him. Even though she does not understand what things she and he are talking about, but, somehow... she could pretend quite well. She does not even know the reason why he then leaves her- she, in fact, does not even recognize how she then ended up looking at the river.

Yet, the darkness of the river is so tempting.

'... it might easily end all of this pain, is not it?'

as she now realizes how this punishment is unbearable even for her.

' If I jump, everything will end right?'

' It might hurt Arisha, but...' it is so painful. It is so tormenting.

She frowned while holding tight the rail of the bridge that somehow gives her the temptation to jump down. Yet-

" IRISHA!" again... once more, the hand she misses every day holds her hand. The golden eyes she longing, the scent that will calm her down eventually. She then frowned painfully as her desire that she try to keep inside overflowed inside her. It screams inside her.

' I want to be with you.'

' Please help me.'

' Don't let me go.'

her mind is going crazy.

" What are you doing?!" he then grabs her tight, wakes her up. " I told you, you can't hurt yourself! I already told you not to!"

he is not using any sign language, yet his anger could be seen obviously from his face. ' You are mad.'

' Why are you mad to this point?'

' Why you are here?'

and the complicated thoughts of her that eventually filled her mind- her head is so hurt.

' Will you be the same if you know who am I?'

' Will you still accept the sinful me?'

' It is terrifying to imagine it.' it is so agonizing as it is always visualized in her mind, his expression who despised her eventually.

her mind is going wild.

... because she already realized from a long time ago, the fact that he is the one who gives her the most comfort and happiness she could ever get. Yet, she also realizes how she is not the one who can get happiness.

... It will be better to not know the ending.

It will help her more if he does not know her past.

Anyone could not know.

They should not.

' I don't have any courage to face it.' as she is only a mere human.

.

" ... if you have a little bit of humanity inside yourself- if you ever think about what people have been through, they will be here with me," she screams again, as she frowned painfully by the agonizing fate. " My loved ones...you killed both of them." and cried by the torment.

" You are not human is not it?" and she smiles faintly. " Of course you are- my husband was the fool one to ever let you go inside his world."

" You are the murderer."

" Give them back to me." and she begged bitterly. While slowly put the gun up into her trembling hand, gazed at her in her miserable lifeless eyes. Smiles weakly terrifyingly, " He adores you so much, but you killed him." she said. " My son will be two this year, he is so lovely. Yet... you killed him."

" YOU, YOU KILLED THEM-"

[ Don't come near me!] as she brushes him frantically and steps back so he will not go near her. Yet, his expression that looks so hurt, tortures her even more. She turns away to then find Edward not far from her. She runs to him hurriedly, grabs his hand eventually, and goes away from the place she desires on her entire life... but too painful for her to be there even a second.

she frowned,

it is really hurt.

' It would be better if I did not meet you.'

because human desire is terrifyingly tormenting.

***