What is the purpose of your life?

What is the reason that makes you still breathing until now?

Why are you still living?

... as life is full of agonizing things that humans should face every day in their life. That drains all of the energy to live casually, as it is okay. Even though you sleep through the night and wake up in the beautiful morning, the body still feels so exhausted and it will be hard to even breathing.

' When it will go?' as she holds her head so much for the headache to go. Yet, even after awhile curling up in the middle of the dark room, impatiently waiting for this painful things to go... she still not feel any better.

... and it is getting worse.

the dreams are getting worse.

even her eyes wide open and her mind is fully aware. The fact that the screams still lingering in her brain, makes her gone crazy.

' YOU ARE THE MURDERER!'

and she will scream in the silent, ' Please stop.' while begging for something she knows will never happened.

.

.

" My teacher tells me if I has a good mana inside my body!" Arisha said, cheerfully in the extravagant dining room. She is so cute and lovely while she wears her academy uniform and surrounded by the second prince and first prince who sit beside her seat, smiling while looking at her who tell her story. " They tell me if I am practicing diligently, I may be able to grade up sooner."

" That's great! our Arisha is so smart is not it?" said Ivy. " You should eat more, for you to grow up then. Let me cut the meat for you, okay?"

and while wiping her cheeks, the second prince smiles gently. " I will be your practice partner, Arisha! I will come to you after my classes." he said.

" Really?!" asked her excitedly. " Thank you..." and then smile shyly with her reddish cheeks who make all of the prince and princess touched. As they then, will just give her the extra attention that will make Arisha happy and shy in the same times.

' You look so happy.' and Irisha could not stop thinking about how the smile so wide and the expression of her lovely sister is so bright. She could understand all of the conversation as they are all using the sign language all the time, and after several weeks living in this palace with this kind of routine as her daily- she starts to believe that they are all caring to her sister sincerely.

... and her heart start to feel anxious.

" Eat your food well." said the crown prince, who sit beside her and pokes her before he said that.

she smiles weakly, [... I am not a child, Your Grace.]

" You are, because you just leave your food without touching it." he said. " You don't like it?"

and she looks at the sliced meat with its redness, and turns away to him. [ I am just full.] while somehow forcing the smile that the crown prince realize in just a second. [... I will eat later.] but he decides for not saying anything.

... and Irisha does not really want to give much effort about the prince that realizes her feeling. Even now, she starts to feel too exhausted to even argue. The fact that they still live here for quite awhile even though she is now healthy enough and could walk even though she needs a walking cane- is something Irisha could not argue with him. Even though she did, he will just dig to something Irisha does not want him to dig. So, she then just let him do while somehow gives him the cold treatment.

' Why are you care about me so much?'

' ... while I need you to go away.'

because his gently touches, that brushing her hair casually starts to ache her heart eventually. [ I will go.] as she then brushes his hand off and stands up with her cane. Avoiding his eyes who looks at her. [ I will have some meeting with the officials so-] and she smiles, as she then bows. [ Arisha, please have fun in your school. As well for both of you.]

" Okaaay!" and three of them smile brightly to her who then turns away and walks away from the luxurious dining room to the glamorous hall where many people then greet her with smile.

' ... from the start, I was trying to provide Arisha a good life.'

.

" Miss Irisha, good morning!" said the maids to her.

[ Good morning, all of you.] she said while smiling.

.

' I now have quite a lot of saving...'

.

" Miss, I already prepare the documents for you." said Tara, after she just sit down in her office. " Do you want me to make you a morning coffee?"

and she giggles, [ You know me so well, are not you?]

" It is pleasure." and she smile brightly, as she then leaves her in her room.

.

' ... Rosan will gladly take care a good care of her, is not it?'

.

and she looks at the documents, swiping it while signing several matters. Do some meeting while then do some gathering with the colleagues who share their stories and giggling in laughter. It is so fun and chaotic in the same time, but, her smile goes wide.

.

' After graduation... after she grows old enough, she could use the money I has saved to travel the world she like.'

.

Yet, ironically... her minds could not stop.

.

" You are the sinner, after all."

and she gulped, smiled, and painfully drink the water in front of here in the very meeting hall. Closed her eyes as she twitched by the vivid trigger of the bloody woman in her dream.

" You are the murderer!"

" You can not be happy! This is your punishment!"

And it is now creating a very clear image of how she is then talking to her. '... Please stop.' and she begged, ' ...just for awhile.'

" You can not live hap-"

and she stands up, unconsciously in the middle of the meeting where Sir Higrid is standing and speak.

" Is there something you want to say, Ms.Irisha?"

and she looks around to the people inside the meeting who is now looking at her. Then she looks at the crown prince who is looking at her. She frowned and turns away, [ ... I have to go for a bit,] and even before she gets the permission, she just leaves the room. Then walks as fast as she could with her cane in the empty hallway where the suns start to set.

' It is hurt to breathe.'

it is really is.

' It is so painful.'

but even though she runs despite her broke feet, even though she tries to distract it... why the images vividly depicted in her minds right now.

... and she stops as she is now looking at the man who seems just running to find her. Then she frowned, every times his warm big hands brushing her cheeks gently. " Are you okay?"

' why?'

" .... Are you hurt?" while he starts to look at her in worry.

and she frowned painfully. ' Why you do this to me?'

as his gently touches, engraves in her heart for it to remember it clearly. As... her memories then crave for him more and more eventually. .. she is now even remembers the refreshing scent of him that smells like a morning forest.

" ... please just tell me." and how he seems so miserable whenever he looks at her in this state. "... It is the headache again?"

.

She smiled weakly, while turns her face away. [... how many times we argue about this?] asked her. [ ... I already told you to not meddle into this matter.] but he always,... he always there every times this happens to her.

and he looks at her deeply with his beautiful gaze. " You did."

then she frowned, [ So why?]

".... because I want to be with you." as he makes her heart stopped. " I want to be always by yo-"

' Don't say it.'

[ Let's stop.] she smiled. [ Let's stop here, Your Grace.] as she then holds his hand who he expected to be held but, Irisha brushes him off. She then inhales a deep breathe, [ I think ... we may have crossed the line. So, I might just stopped it as well.]

" What do you mean?" and he confused.

[... I will go back to my house tomorrow.]

" What? You stil;-"

[ It is not your business, is not it?] asked her.

and he looks at her in disbelief. Yet, trying to compose himself by trying to look at her who is trying to avoid his eyes, " I will just force you not too."

[ You might.] she said faintly. [... as you are the the crown prince after all.] and she laughs weakly as the world of her is already gone, [ But... I am just too tired.]

and again, after awhile. [ I feel so tired...Your Grace.] and smiles weakly.

... she could not face him. Her eyes closed while she gulped the saliva that feels stuck in her throat. Somehow, she feels so fortunate in this time when she could not let out any sound, or speak up her mind from her mouth. As she knows, the voice will trembling and eventually break all the things she tries to hold.

he might finds out if she lets her voice out.

... which it can not be done.

.

.

...because even at the very start of her life in this body, she knows exactly about her sin.

' I live until now is because the death is too agonizing and disgusting.' to let her lovely baby sister knows about that, is something she could not do even though she tried several times.

several times?

Yes. A long times ago where the world still felt so harsh. When it was so painful and tiring to even wake up. Every night while looked at the innocent baby in her hand, her minds always gone wild to something she should not thought.

' It is better if you are not with me.'

' I am too sinful to be with you.'

' You can get happier if you are not with me.'

But, Arisha always smiled at her in her darkest thoughts. Shaking her heart that is already shattered. Made her somehow losing the thoughts and survived.

' Just a little more. Just a little bit more.'

Let her feels the happiness of longing to see her sister grow.

' Just a little bit more, until she could stand by her own.'

Yet, the happiness too overwhelming as she could not stop her desire to then see her sister grow and happy further long.

' Then ... you love me, dearly.' as Arisha will hug, cry, laugh and smile every times to her. She shows her affection as if Irisha is someone where her happiness centered.

[ I love you.]

and Arisha will smile widely as if it is the beautiful thing she ever know for someone like her to say that her sister is her world.

and it hurts her every day, because' I am sinner.' and how she feels so dirty for not letting this pure little girl know about something she has deep inside her heart. It burdens her heart as if something stuffy block her lungs and stop the air to flow.

'... but I want to be with her.' and she keeps saying while her heart trembling to seek a help.

Because even though it looks like she is living a normal life- every second in her world... she is always in the edge of her sense.

Her past does not let her be.

It is her punishment after all.

Yet, she just want to see Arisha's smile even though her sanity starts to crumble slowly. She overcomes it somehow, she could distract it until now.

' Just until she grows older.'

and faking the only expectation, that she hope, her sin allowed for her to have. Struggling and hiding it as something she keeps inside her heart.

No one could know.

No one should know.

.

.

Yet the world surround her starting to change after she met him.

and her minds is starting to go crazy.

Her heart thumping like it will burst and explode.

She can not breathe as it feels so painful.

Every times she wakes up in the long nightmare she has started to get used to- as it is now coming to her every day and seconds. In her suffering- whenever she looks at him who is concerning about her as if her life is really important for him- it hurts her even more.

' Don't say something that I should not hear.'

' Don't say something I can not fulfill.'

Don't let her dreaming something she could not get.

As it feels unbearable, as her heart feels hurt so much every times she looks at him. The memories of the suns set, or the wind that blew into her face. Whenever she reminds that moment, the beautiful golden eyes shimmering in the orange-ish light feels so warm.

... but, it will eventually change into a thick blood where the woman screams in her mind.

" You are the murderer!" ringing every times, in every breath of her.

she then smile faintly,

' I can not be with you.'

' I beg you.'

as she then looks at the golden eyes who are staring at her impatiently, [ I will resign from the palace.] so then,

' Let me go.'

***