Sarah didn’t hear from Castiel all weekend. A few times she considered sending him a message but since she didn’t know what to say, she decided to leave it. Instead she focused her efforts on finishing the baby project journal. She had time for it since her father had called to tell an unexpected meeting had come up and Sarah couldn’t come for a visit. Sarah was disappointed but his dad promised he would be free the next weekend, even if he had to fistfight someone for it. While Sarah didn’t want anything violent to happen, she was happy about the promise. She missed her father a lot.

So, with all this time for homework, Sarah sat down on her office chair and opened her journal to go through the entries and see if any needed any patching and elaborating. While skimming through the pages, she noticed she had forgotten to write about Tim and had focused on writing about Castiel.

“Castiel hasn’t given Tim to me as the first thing in the morning in a few days. He doesn’t seem to mind Tim as much now.”

“While we were on a walk, Castiel wanted to give Tim something to drink even though I was there too. He said that since it was his turn, he’d do it. I’m happy he’s taking some responsibility. I don’t mind taking care of Tim but it’s nice that he offers to do something.”

“I noticed that Castiel put on some winter clothes on Tim and it made me happy. I’m glad he has warmed up to this project a bit more. He doesn’t just do the bare minimum but does something extra. It’s nice to see. It makes me want to do better as well.”

Sarah read the journal entries embarrassed. Why did she write something like this? It looked like all she could think only Castiel. The last entry that focused only on Tim had been over a week ago. Sarah rubbed her temples. She’d have to insert some Tim related sentences in there. Something about changing diapers and waking up at night. She would also write about dropping Tim. She could’ve very well left it out, but she wanted to reflect on it because even though Tim was just a doll, in that moment she had been genuinely horrified. She had dropped her baby and it had scared her. Only after a few seconds she had remembered that Tim couldn’t get hurt. But the feeling had followed her. How could it be that in only two weeks she got so attached and into the project that she believed she had dropped a real baby? In hopes that Miss Cassidy wouldn’t lower points because of the drop, she had also written about what she’d do if she had dropped and actual baby. She’d have to check Tim for any bleeding wounds, bumps and bruises, and if there were any changes in the level of consciousness, like sudden drowsiness, visible confusion about surroundings or unconsciousness. Any concerning signs and they’d have to go to the doctor immediately. She hoped that showing she knew what to do would make Miss Cassidy less angry. But Sarah had left out the real reason for the drop. She wasn’t going to tell her teacher Castiel had almost kissed her, no way. So, Tim had fallen because she hadn’t been holding him properly.

*

With Monday arrived great anxiety. Sarah didn’t know why she was so nervous about going to school or meeting Castiel, but she started to feel sick while walking towards the school. She took deep breaths to calm down her churning stomach and make the tightness in her throat disappear. It didn’t make much of a difference apart from her throat feeling a bit cold.

The atmosphere in the school was that of a typical Monday morning: tired students sitting on benches complaining about homework and how fast the weekend had flown past once again. Another week full of work waited for them. Sarah sat down on a bench to wait for the English class. At least she’d meet some people there. Castiel should come too. To avoid constantly gazing around like a meerkat on the lookout, Sarah took out her phone. Reading the news would make sure she wouldn’t get too happy, not even by accident. Why did the world have to be so depressing?

Sarah was so focused on her phone she didn’t notice Mrs Johnson arriving before everyone started to gather at the door. Quickly Sarah jumped up and slipped the phone in her bag. It would’ve been so embarrassing if she had missed the class, or if Mrs Johnson would’ve had to call out to her. Luckily, it hadn’t come to that. Monday was already bad enough without being publicly embarrassed before nine.

Sarah noticed Castiel’s red hair ahead of her in the mass of students pushing to the classroom. He glanced at the seat next to Sarah’s seat but continued further in the class and sat next to Leon as usual. Sarah took her seat. She didn’t turn to look at Castiel even though she really wanted to. She’d talk with him after the class. Mrs Johnson started her lecture on Tolstoy and Anna Karenina. They hadn’t had to read a single book in months and while it was nice for the workload, it made understanding some parts of the lesson harder. Sarah had watched the movie, but it didn’t help much either. But if this was going to be on the exam, she’d fill in the missing points online. She was so thankful for all the websites that provided in-depth analysis of books. She liked reading but there were books she didn’t want to touch. Especially if those books had almost 900 pages.

The class ended with homework to read a collection of short stories and find the connecting themes of the stories. It sounded like a much better option than Anna Karenina and more easily manageable, but even then, some people complained.

Sarah got out of the classroom when she felt a big hand on her shoulder. She spun around and saw Castiel standing in front of her. Sarah’s cheeks flushed red, and Castiel’s face got some colour as well.

“H-hi,” Sarah said trying to keep her voice steady.

“Yeah, hi.”

Castiel blocked the doorway and people tried to push past them. Someone bumped into Castiel, and he was pushed closer to Sarah. They staggered a few steps backwards, and Castiel grabbed Sarah’s shoulders in hopes to return his balance.

“Uh, sorry,” he said and let go once they were both steadily on their feet. His hand lingered on Sarah’s arm for a few seconds before he pulled it back.

“No problem.”

An awkward silence fell between them. They avoided looking each other in the eye. Leon and Amanda watched them from a distance, hoping something would happen, but based on what they saw, the couple wasn’t too optimistic. The scene reminded them of the time before they started dating. So much awkwardness.

Castiel couldn’t look Sarah’s face without feeling twisting in his stomach and nervous heartbeats. It hadn’t been this hard before, but now thinking straight seemed impossible. He hadn’t managed to utter a proper sentence this whole time.

“It’s, uh, good to see you,” he said then. Finally, actual words.

“Good to see you too. How was your weekend?”

“Good. How was yours?”

“Decent. Homework focused.”

“Always studying…”

They were silent again. Castiel tried to gather strength. A deep breath. Nothing to worry about. Just be calm.

“So, umm, about what happened on Thursday…”

Sarah visibly flinched. Her face reddened again, and she lowered her eyes to the floor.

“Wh-what about it?”

“Well, I just… I, um…You know…”

Sarah’s heart thumped in her chest. Castiel stared at the wall while trying to find the words.

“I…I’m sorry about what happened.”

“Oh.”

It was like someone had poured a bucket of icy water on Sarah. She stiffened and wrapped her arms around her. She had been right. Castiel had only tried to kiss her because she was crying. And now he apologized.

“Well, it’s no big deal,” she said with a strained voice. The stinging in her eyes promised tears. Sarah took a deep breath to calm herself and looked Castiel in the eyes. She forced herself to smile.

“Nothing happened anyway so you don’t need to have any regrets.”

Then without looking at him anymore, she slipped away and hurried along the hallway. Castiel looked after her but didn’t follow. Leon and Amanda hurried to him.

“What happened?” Leon asked.

“I don’t really know. But I think I messed up.”

Sarah ran upstairs keeping her head low so people wouldn’t see the tears. She had been foolish. She had thought that maybe, just maybe Castiel liked her. She had thought that these two weeks had brought them closer together. It had worked on her. She couldn’t stop thinking about Castiel. His voice caused butterflies in her stomach and his smile made her knees weak. But it was clear to her now that Castiel didn’t feel the same way. Sarah stopped in front of a mirror. But why would Castiel like her? Sarah stared at her reflection. She was not special in anyway. She was only average looking. She wasn’t smart, only did well in school thanks to lot of studying. She didn’t have any special talents. There was nothing interesting in her. Sarah sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. It’d be best to forget Castiel. Just like in the middle of all these emotions she had managed to forget his words: I like you…in many ways. Things could’ve been easier if she didn’t doubt herself so much.

Sarah sighed and sat down to pass the time until her German class. At least she could focus on school now. And being alone was nothing new to Sarah. But still her chest ached, and she felt hollow. All the negative thoughts that packed and brewed in her head, made her head feel stuffy. Luckily, she didn’t have many classes with Castiel. Everything would be easier if she didn’t need to see him.