《Regulating Miracles》(6-1) Pathetically Embarrassing Past

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Location: Oliver’s Car

Time: 1:28 PM, January 4th, 2108

“Why am I sitting in the back?” Oliver’s car was certainly nice, and it probably cost more than my life was worth, but it wasn’t designed with the back seat passengers in mind. Forget stretching them out, my legs were pressed so tight to my body I could practically use them as a chin rest.

“What are you talking about? There’s four of us, so obviously someone had to sit in the back.” Oliver responded with the kind of dismissive remark I was expecting.

“Four?” Was that right? Despite knowing it was only Oliver, Kanon, and myself; the number four didn’t feel strange coming out of my mouth.

“Three. It’s been a stressful day.”

Three or four, it didn’t really matter. Oliver was overlooking the root of the problem.

“I’m aware, but the real issue is why it’s me in the back. Kanon is the shortest, so shouldn’t she be the one back here?” I had no reason to hesitate before trying to throw someone else under the bus, or I suppose behind the seat is a more accurate expression.

“That’s not my problem. It’s not like I made her sit in the front, she just got to the door before you.” Oliver continued to dismiss my complaint.

“But that’s wrong, isn’t it? Shouldn’t we discuss those kinds of things? Why squish me back here whenever Kanon could have fit no problem.” Right? It’s just common courtesy.

“I didn’t realize this was such a big deal to you, Special Agent Alexander.” I was pleasantly surprised that Kanon actually responded to my complaints, even if she was talking like I was a whining kid. Most people would just silently ignore me until the topic of conversation shifted away from whatever I was pestering them about.

“Don’t say it like that. It’s not that big of a deal, it’s a small deal. In fifteen minutes I won’t care anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bring it up. Why can’t we discuss small deals?”

“I’m not sure I understand your complaining, but I had no ill intentions whenever I chose to sit in the front seat. Honestly, at the time I completely forgot about you. I mean, about your height.”

“You said it, I definitely heard that. You forgot about me that easily?”

“Ha, huh? What are you talking about? Of course I didn’t forget you were coming with us.”

She forgot. She totally forgot I was with them.

“If we’re being honest here, Alphonse, I forgot that you were with us as well. If you didn’t start complaining I’d have made it all the way to Irving without realizing you were back there.” The ever charming Oliver decided to get Kanon off the hook by distracting me with our usual routine.

“You got the first two letters right, but the rest was completely wrong. My name is Alec, not Alphonse. I’ve never even met an Alphonse, so I have no idea who you’re confusing me with.”

“A character from a comic book, I think.”

“Don’t get me mixed up with a fictional character.”

“Right, my bad. If I’m going to mistake you for someone else, I should at least let them be a real person.”

“Of course. Even I have standards.”

“Is this really the time for you two to be doing this comedy routine? We may know the location of Special Agent Oldridge’s sister, but this is far from over.” Kanon wasn’t sounding particularly amused. From the beginning she hadn’t been trying to hide her displeasure at this entire operation.

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“Comedy routine? Do I look like a person who has enough self-confidence to try and tell a joke? I assure you, everything I say is one hundred percent serious.”

“What? That’s not quite true. You were funny back in high school. If it wasn’t for your jokes no one would have even known who you were.” Oliver decided to drop a bombshell.

People knew who I was in high school? That was news to me. If I had known that back then I’d have been ecstatic, but by this point I’m far beyond feeling such positive emotions.

“Don’t bring up my comedy phase. I’m in the process of destroying those memories.”

“Hm? Special Agent Alexander, you have phases? Which one are you on now?” Kanon latched on to a strange detail.

“It’s not like that, don’t treat me like a synthetic being. There was just a time in my life whenever I thought I’d be popular if I could tell good jokes. I spent a few weeks writing my material, and then tested it out on the kids at school. No one laughed whenever I told the jokes, but I could always hear them laughing as I walked away. I figured that just meant my jokes took a while to sink in, so I decided to keep telling them. It took me three weeks to realize what was really happening.”

“They were clearly just laughing at your poor attempt at making friends.”

“Thanks for trying to clear that up for me, Kanon, but I figured it out.”

“No, those aren’t the jokes I was talking about. I don’t even remember that happening.” Oliver casually brushed my trauma aside.

Does that make it better or worse? I wasn’t even important enough for the popular kids to remember my pathetically embarrassing past.

“I was talking about the jokes you’d tell all the time. Like whenever you’d talk about eating lunch in the bathroom, or whenever you’d ask one of the guys to hang out, or, oh man, remember that time you gave everyone a birthday invitation? Ha, a high schooler going around handing out birthday invitations. That was hilarious.”

I was too naive back then. I hadn’t realized the cruelty of this world we’re stuck in.

“None of those things were jokes, at least feel a little bad for laughing at a classmate. And since no one showed up, I didn’t even bother cutting the cake. I just ate the whole thing so my sisters wouldn’t realize what happened.”

“That’s not good, Special Agent Alexander. A growing boy shouldn't’ eat an entire cake himself. It isn’t healthy.”

“That’s what you’re focusing on? At least acknowledge my suffering.” Based on her rich girl background she probably wouldn’t understand. “And this isn’t something to brag about, but I pride myself on being able to eat party sized foods by myself. At that same party for one I ate an entire veggie tray.”

“You’re right, that isn’t something to brag about.”

“Anyway, there’s something I’ve been thinking about.” Kanon decided to change the topic of conversation. “The girl we’re saving is your sister, right?”

“Yeah, that should have been obvious by this point.”

“And your uncle is the Prime Minister, correct? And his daughter, your cousin, is the one they were attempting to kidnap, right?”

“Yeah, what’re you trying to get at?”

I realized immediately what Kanon wanted to ask, but Oliver seemed oblivious. He wasn’t thinking about how this looked from an outsider's perspective.

“Then, isn’t this situation, strange?” Kanon seemed hesitant to say what she actually meant.

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“Strange? Yeah. Definitely not normal.”

“That’s not what she meant. She’s trying to ask why Olivia is getting shafted.” I forced the conversation forward.

“I wouldn’t have said it like that, but yes. I don’t understand why no one is concerned about your sister. Shouldn’t this be a larger issue?”

“Ah, that. Olivia and I are special cases.”

“And that means?”

“My father, who already had three children, bought a prostitute from the PE. She had a strong lineage when it came to augmentations, and he wanted some augmented children. She gave birth to Olivia and myself. As you could imagine, drama ensued."

“And if your curious how this soap opera ends, my father’s wife killed my mother and father before committing suicide herself. If that wasn’t bad enough, Velstand high society decided to place the blame for this on Olivia and me. They couldn’t possibly blame the murderer or the man who pushed her to the limit, they were from respectable families.”

“Olivia and I have been under my uncle’s care ever since. I can serve a purpose, so he keeps us around and treats Olivia well enough, but you shouldn’t expect anyone to go out of their way for Oliva. She’s just the scion of the Oldridge family.”

The car got incredibly awkward. Kanon got her answer, but she wasn’t saying anything back. Was there such a big difference between me describing my tragic past and Oliver describing his? Why was I just comedic relief?

“And don’t bother feeling uncomfortable. You could have found everything I just told you on the net in ten minutes.”

“Still. . .”

“Then how about this? Tell us about your family to make it even. What do your parents do for a living? Vacuum salesmen?”

“Ninkyō dantai.”

I assumed she purposely used a term we wouldn’t recognize. If she didn’t want to answer, she should have just said so.

“Sure is hot today.” I definitely wasn’t talking just to steer the conversation away from the always awkward topic of family. I’m not sure what I’d have said if I ended up having to talk about mine. “Kanon, any of those spirits you summon have an ability to lower the temperature about five degrees?”

“I can make it rain, but only for a few minutes. Other than that, I can’t affect the weather on such a large scale.”

Her serious response made my comment feel even more hollow than it initially was.

All of our phones started ringing simultaneously. We were all being invited into a group call with the Chief. To avoid any unnecessary echoing, we decided to only have Kanon answer the call, putting it on speaker.

“Bad news. There’s a situation developing that we need to take care of.” The Chief’s voice was uncomfortably serious.

“Obviously, yeah. But we know where Olivia is. It shouldn’t take much longer to get her back.” I decided to let Oliver do the talking, and it seemed like Kanon made a similar decision.

“No, not that, a new situation. The Federal Archives Building is under attack. Four unknown augmented just broke in. One of them was the girl that took your sister. The on-sight security didn’t even slow them down.”

“The Archives Building? Why break in there?”

“How am I supposed to know? The only thing that matters is that we need to deal with them.”

“Why us?”

“Because the order came to ara. Most of baa and mid are currently dealing with some situation at the conference building. Ara is one of the only agencies currently on standby.”

“Then can’t you send Vier? I’m sure the two of you could handle it.”

“I’d like to, but Vier just got a call and left, taking Emelia with him. And don’t ask, I’ve got no idea what he’s doing, or if he’ll be finished in time to help. It doesn’t matter though. The ara, and only the ara, have received any orders to handle this situation. This isn’t up for debate. Just hurry up.”

The Chief ended the call.

Oliver kept driving in the same direction.

“What is this? I’m so close to saving Olivia and she expects me to drop it? Just let someone else do it.”

Oliver wasn’t talking to anyone in particular, but I decided to answer.

“I’m willing to bet something is being kept in the Archives Building. Something the Prime Minister or Security General would like to keep secret. They don’t want it to be taken, but they don’t want to draw attention to it by pulling a team they’ve already assigned to something else. We’re probably the only agency they feel safe exposing it to.”

“You think they trust us that much?”

“No, I think we’re that disposable. No one would complain if the members of the ARA went missing. Besides, it’s not like anyone would believe us.”

“It’s almost depressing how easily you can label us as disposable, but I see your point.”

Oliver still hadn’t addressed the fact that he was heading towards Irving. He obviously didn’t plan on following orders. I had no desire to try to convince him to give up on his little sister. He probably wouldn’t listen anyway. I knew it was going to be a pain, but I decided to handle it myself.

“Oliver, stop the car.”

“Excuse me?”

“Stop the car and let me out. I don’t care about saving your sister, so I’ll deal with the Archives Building.”

Oliver took a moment to read the room, or maybe the car, before pulling over.

“If Special Agent Alexander is going, then I should as well. I’m in no position to ignore orders.”

Kanon was strong. Inexperienced, but strong. She would have made things easier, but I couldn’t let her come with me. It would have been too dangerous to let Oliver go alone. He was confident, but he had no idea what he was walking into.

“Don’t bother. Honestly, you’ll just get in my way. I don’t need the help of someone who doesn’t know how to properly use their augmentation. I can handle this myself. And don’t worry about orders. The ARA is supposed to take care of this, and we will. There’s no reason for us all to go.”

“But Special Agent-”

“And stop calling me that. Just use Alec. It feels weird with you being so official. How would you feel if I started calling you Investigator Kamiya?”

“I’d actually feel a lot more comfortable with that.”

“Well stop calling me Special Agent Alexander anyway.”

I opened the door and got out of the car.

“Fine, Special-, Alec. At least let me send someone to assist you.”

I wasn’t sure what Kanon was suggesting, but it was difficult to focus on the meaning behind her words.

“Alec, Thanks.”

Oliver only said two words, but they had more weight than I felt like carrying.

“Don’t thank me. It’s not like I’m doing any of this for you. I’m just doing what’s best for me.”

I couldn’t accept his gratitude. I didn’t want it.

Oliver let out a short laugh.

“You know, you’ve always been a terrible liar.”

I closed the door without responding.

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