“I will be departing for Jin tomorrow.”

Lu Tong Xiao’s words were followed by the clinking sound of metal striking against the ceramic bowl. A pair of silver chopsticks fell on the table with its crisp sound resonating inside the walls of the quiet room. The sharp noise brought Bai Yu Yan back to reality from her moment of stupor and she looked at her now empty hand only to realize that the chopstick had fallen from her hand.

The two were sitting in Bai Yu Yan’s room and enjoying dinner after having a long day dealing with their own respective problems. Outside in the pitch-black night sky, dark clouds gathered veiling the moon with its murky shadow, covering the only source of light in the open. The heavy clouds clashed with each other making a thunderous roar as it echoed far off to the distance inviting the early monsoon. Soon, small droplets of rain fell down with pitter-patter on the roof of houses, deepening the brown of the soil and the green of the leaves. And eventually soaking everything it found its way to.

Although the rain was cascading outside, Bai Yu Yan felt the icy cold droplets hitting her heart in a rather painful way.

Soon, Xiao Fan who was attending to them at the side rushed inside with a pair of clean chopsticks. She handed it to Bai Yu Yan while taking away the ones that were dropped on the table.

“Oh!” came Bai Yu Yan’s reply to Lu Tong Xiao. She adjusted the silver chopstick between her fingers and ate the rice in her bowl in silence without looking up at him once.

Sitting in front of her, Lu Tong Xiao who was looking at her unconsciously felt a pang of hurt in his heart at her nonchalant reply. Even though he knew she was composed most of the time, he had hoped for some kind of reaction from her, even if it was not that big.

Lu Tong Xiao anxiously waited for her to say something. Anything. Or at least ask him when he would be back but a not a word came out of her mouth and all that ensued was a deafening silence, one that oddly made him uncomfortable.

As he looked at her, he frowned when he realized she was only eating the white rice. There were a variety of side dishes laid on the table before them to choose from but her chopstick didn’t reach out for any of those. It just dug inside the rice bowl. He stretched his hand to pick up some meat and vegetable that she liked and put it inside her bowl.

In the middle of his mind filled with thoughts about her, he failed to notice the mechanical movement of the woman as she ate whatever was clipped in her chopstick.

After a while, when he didn’t hear anything from her, he cleared his throat and said, “It was supposed to be a few days later. But with the arrival of monsoon, it will be difficult travelling to the south in the rainy season. So I’ll have to leave early.”

He remembered the letter from the palace that came in the afternoon where the emperor prompted him to depart early before the heavy monsoon. Travelling a long distance on a horse would be difficult in the rainy season due to the muddy pathway and the risk of horses getting injured. In turn, it would make the trip much longer than it is supposed to be, which was the last thing Lu Tong Xiao wanted.

The sooner he went and sorted out the work, the faster he would come back to her, he subconsciously thought.

Bai Yu Yan wanted to say something but couldn’t form a word in her mind. It was like a knot was formed in her throat, making her tongue-tied where she was left unable to utter a word.

A wave of nausea that rose from the pit of her stomach hit her in an uncomfortable way, making her want to throw up whatever was inside her stomach. But she stubbornly pushed it down with mouthfuls of food without realizing or tasting what she was eating. For some reason, she didn’t want her mouth to be empty where she wouldn’t have a reason for not speaking.

“Are you okay?”

She heard Lu Tong Xiao’s deep voice laced with obvious concern.

He reached out his hand to touch her forehead where a thin layer of sweat had started to form, making the skin look glassy. At his touch, there was no fever that he detected which relieved him.

Feeling his cool hand against her forehead, Bai Yu Yan felt so comfortable that she wanted to close her eyes and lean against his hand. But remembering what he said earlier, she dodged his hand and pushed her head back away from it.

Lu Tong Xiao’s hand stopped midair. He looked at her with surprise. Was she repulsed by touch? His hand clenched into a tight fist where one could even see the vein at the back of his hand which he pulled back and rested against his knee.

In the quiet room, a loud slam on the table brought her back to reality. She raised her head to see Lu Tong Xiao looking at her with deep inky eyes. Anger, frustration and many other emotions she couldn’t make out whirled in those eyes making her unable to take her eyes off of them even though it looked dangerous. It was demanding attention, urging her to look at him while daring her to look elsewhere at the same time. She hadn’t known that a pair of eyes alone could be that expressive, silently conveying so many emotions that even words may fail to do so.

Bai Yu Yan didn’t know what to say as she couldn’t fathom her own emotions that were gripping at her heart from all sides. She let them eat away at her heart, adamant on not recognizing those ugly emotions.

“Do you have nothing to say to me?” he said with a stoned face, his jaws clenched making a sharp line. On his usually composed face, there was a rarely seen frustration and pain at her silence.

What can I say? That you will lose your heart once you go there? That you are going to meet your fated one and I would just be a burden you wouldn’t want after that? She asked him in her mind but outside Lu Tong Xiao only saw an emotionless facade.

“What do you want me to say, Your Excellency?” came her apathetic voice. Her long hair swayed in the wind that came from the open window. There was even a smile on her face but the one that didn’t reach her beautiful eyes. The more he looked at her the more it felt like she would disappear right there and he would never be able to see her again.

Pressing down the thought in his head with difficulty, he breathed in to calm his anxious heart. He didn’t know what happened to her in just a short time. Their relationship had just started and was improving with every passing day which brought him the happiness he had never known before. Everything was going smoothly and they were even having comfortable intimate moments with each other.

Lu Tong Xiao was scared that she would close herself off emotionally and he would never be able to cross the wall she was creating.

“Do you not care whether I go away or not?” he asked after the long silence that stretched between them. There was an untold fear in his voice as if he was scared to hear what her answer would be.

Bai Yu Yan finally raised her head to look at him. She was thrown off by the unexpected question. She was not ready to answer that question and let him hear the emotions through her voice.

Suddenly, they were interrupted by the knock on the door. It was Xuyi who informed them that there was a messenger from the palace.

Dragging his eyes away from Bai Yu Yan, Lu Tong Xiao told Xuyi to wait for a while.

He wiped his mouth with a towel and without looking at Bai Yu Yan said, “Eat some more and go to sleep. I have to deal with some work so don’t wait for me.”

Bai Yu Yan unconsciously sighed in relief and nodded her head. Inside, she thanked the messenger for the interruption.

Similarly, Lu Tong Xiao strode outside as if he was trying to escape her answer. As a man who had faced all kinds of enemies without a hint of fear, he didn’t know he would be afraid to face the feelings of a woman. Running a tired hand against his face, he gave a low self-deprecating laugh and walked away without turning back, his shadow blending in the rainy night.