Chapter 34.2 Extending An Olive Branch

Groooowl.

Shrinking into myself a bit more than usual, I curse at my stomach for ruining the one chance I had at asking Fen about… About what? I wouldn’t even know how to phrase the jumble of wordless fragments in my head.

A wide smile breaks out on Fenrir’s face. “Haha, let’s go look for some food.”

We’re walking along the cold and empty moonlit hall. It mirrors Fen in some inexplicably, metaphorical sense. Or perhaps, I’m reading too much into it. This isn’t some Literacy assignment where I’m meant to analyze the characters - He’s a real person. I shouldn’t be so quick to think I truly understand someone.

“Thrice, the dining hall is closed. Where are we going to get food?”

“Mmm… I doubt there’s anywhere else we could try. It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll just go to bed and wake up earlier for breakfast.”

Fen looks at me with a frown, “That’s no good, Aey.” Squishing my cheeks together, for some reason he looks a little mad.

“U-Uh, Fen?”

“I don’t know why… But for some reason, what you just said made me angry.”

Ehhhh, I was right?

“S-Sorry…?”

“Weird… Why am I even mad?”

“I don’t know, but c-could you let me go?”

He sighs, “I seriously wonder why…”

“Agh! Just let me go! My cheeks hurt!”

He suddenly seems to realize he’s still smooshing my cheeks together. “Ahahaha! Your face looks hilarious like this…!”

I’m going to kill this guy.

Finally releasing me, he quickly changes the subject again. “Do you think some of the other students would keep a stockpile of food with them?”

“I seriously doubt nobles would do something like that…”

We continue our search in silence, only the sound of our footsteps resonating within the corridor.

“…I-”

My throat fastens itself shut.

“Hmn?” He glances back at me for a second, but when I don’t reply, he faces forward and keeps walking.

Looking at the ground, my eyes take in our shadows mingling with the dim light. Crossing together with the dusk and cold moonshine, it only continues to move along.

The truth is, I want to ask. But do I… Do I have the right to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong…?

Although the four of us spend most of our time together, gleaning snippets about one another through the interactions in everyday life… When I think about it, we don’t really know anything about each other.

For some reason, this revelation makes me feel lonely.

“…”

“You know…” Fenrir stops in his tracks, I do as well a few steps behind. “When a Human turns, they usually lose their past memories forever. The turning process is quite… Severe.”

“!” My throat hitches as I remember what I’ve read before.

On the cusp between mortality, the threshold between life and death; A Human carcass must be completely drained of blood before being replenished with that of an exceedingly powerful Kindred.

But no matter how ancient or mighty the giver's blood is, it still requires a certain fortitude on the Human’s part. Of will, of strength, of… Pain tolerance.

Many touch insanity through the process. No, that’s putting it lightly. I’ve read that many become insane after gleaning the afterlife and awaken to the moon again. That’s where the terms moon-touched and lunatics comes from after all.

He doesn’t turn to face me, but he keeps walking until we’re outside a veranda. “The textbooks can describe it with as many dressed-up words as they like, but it still wouldn’t even describe half of it.”

T-That’s the only reference I’ve got on it though.

“It’s my first memory.” He pauses, “The first thing I see when I open my eyes is blood… Blood everywhere. Then the feeling hits. Searing… Scorching… I thought I had been Cursed to Thrice.”

“Fen…”

“My veins were... Boiling itself over and over. But I couldn’t die. My lungs were screeching to have it be put out, but it wouldn’t stop…” He bites his lip until it draws blood, “I can’t really put it into the right words either I guess.”

“I’m… Sorry…”

It doesn’t seem like my words even registered as he continues speaking, “I don’t know why I was so determined to live, even through all that. I think… That’s the worst part of it. I just died and awoke to a living Thrice, yet I just knew I had to push through it. To keep living no matter what. Even if I had to keep going through... That, for the rest of time. Yet I don’t know why.” He finally looks at me, his eyes crinkling sadly.

“Once in a while, I’ll get some random flash of memory. And it’s so disturbing how I’ll feel so passionately about it without even… Knowing what it was. But just like that, it’ll disappear without a trace. No context, no conclusion. It doesn’t even feel like my memories. And it’s like… Am I an imposter wearing the same skin? Am I even… Me?”

“…”

I… Don’t know what to say.

Even though my heart is scrunching up at his words… Even though he’s going as far as to open up and share this with me… I can’t even find the right words to say.

I can't erase his pain. I can’t relieve any of it. If I try to sympathize, I feel like it would only come across as disingenuous… Because how can I possibly understand? Even if I try my best to put myself in his shoes, I didn’t experience all that.

But, then a thought hits me. Does anyone ever truly feel the same things?

Even if our understandings or experiences can intertwine... We won't feel the exact same things with the exact same intensity as another person.

Opening up… Is it really just about having felt the same things? Isn’t it... More than that? Being vulnerable with another. Letting them in. Trying to understand each other. Confirming that we're not all alone in this world. My throat feels like it’ll knot together if I think too long on what I wanna say next. So I just say it all.

“I… Ever since I came to this school. It feels like waking-nightmares plague me at seemingly arbitrary times. I’ll just feel this sudden sadness and hurt in the depths of my soul, and if I try to follow the trail any further, I get this massive migraine. I know it’s not even remotely the same as the pain you've gone through, but what I'm trying to say is... Let’s… Let’s try to figure out our worries together?” I offer it up as a question more than anything.

His laughing scoff comes out once as a reply, “Yeah.” And a grin peeks out, “Yeah. That sounds good.”

We don’t say anything for a while. Just allowing the wind to gently caress our skin and the moonlight to seep into our bones.

“Hey, Fenrir.”

“Yeah, Aey?”

“I’m glad you’re alive.”

His umber-brown eyes flick to me with a glint of confusion.

“T-That’s… What I mean to say is, going through all that pain when you turnt, a-and even going through the pain right now... Whether you’ll ever get back your memories or not… It… It’s not for nothing at the very least.” I inhale calm and try to stop stumbling over my words. “I’m happy that you’re in my life.”

I don’t really know if what I’m saying even makes sense…

Feeling a bit anxious, I chance a glimpse at him to see his response.

“!”

A stream the shade of red-camellias runs down his right eye. He doesn’t try to smile anymore, but his irises betrays his true feelings. I can barely breath at the sight, the moon’s radiance move about his face as if light were trying to traverse water.

“Thank you, Aeriea.”

And then, I’m not sure what I feel after that.