WARNING: Self-harm, mutilation, sexual depictions, upsetting themes.

Central Calendar 1630 (9 years ago)

When people remember the things they did in the past, they often are overcome by a single, powerful emotion–embarrassment. These memories of past acts or events, which could either be monumental in one’s life, such as graduating from university, or as mundane and ordinary, like stammering when greeting your neighbor “good morning”, stick around with us, and it is the immense feeling of embarrassment or cringe that helps them linger for even longer. Every person is bound to have experienced this kind of mental and emotional torture.

For me, I get this feeling every time I remember or am reminded of the year 1630. It was a very important year in my life, one which I considered to be a pivotal turning point, although it will not be the last. This was due to one person–Ludius.

Ever since that first night when I realized that one of the weird regulars who hired me was him, things have never been the same. He still continued to make do on his punctual schedule when it came to hiring me, and he still offered me 150 pasos in extra fees after our time, but it just was never the same experience as before. On top of the inherent feeling of doing something malign and forbidden whenever we sexually pleasure ourselves off of one another despite being cousins, my heart was assaulted by all sorts of emotions. Most of these were feelings I’ve never explicitly felt for anyone before, and some I’ve not felt in decades.

In a sea of strangers and equally numerous potential enemies, I felt comfort in knowing that I know someone. I felt assured by the fact that he was consistent in his schedule to see me and entertain my feelings and thoughts, almost as if he had become a shoulder to cry on. Different from the real, concrete feelings I feel in my abdomen when he feels it up with his manly effects, these so-called “butterflies” in my stomach were excessively powerful. Before long, they got to my head and by extension, my perception of the man.

Today, I cringe at this looking back; oh, the vices of hindsight! However, at the time, it almost felt as if I really did have a chance at genuine satisfaction with my life, the happiness I could reliably seek out to give my life a sense of direction. My current circumstances in the Petunias of Esthirant were nothing but a dead end, and with the near unreachable position of the management, there was little I could do to force my way out of this life, let alone pursue legitimate means of freeing myself. The only thing I had built in the 12 years I had been offering my body and services was a wide-ranging rumor network that encompassed the girls from different establishments in Esthirant’s red-light district. This, somehow and at least, allowed me to maintain sufficiently informed on what was going on in the rest of the empire.

“Here.”

He handed me three clean, almost untouched 50 paso bills after we calmed down from our session, just like always. Unlike before, however, I could feel my cheeks turn hot red and, for reasons different from the high I got from his relentless pounding. I became conscious of the places where my eyes landed, and soon I found myself darting my line of sight all over. Remembering these little things makes my skin crawl from the cringe, the pain given by the embarrassment on a similar level to hearing the screeching of nails on a chalkboard.

“T-Thanks...”

I should know better, yet my body still elected to fucking stutter. What the hell, me? In an almost comical example of a 180, he who used to be so shy was now cool and I who used to be composed was now jittery.

As I saw the signs of him preparing for his departure, I mustered up the courage to ask him about something that had been gnawing at the back of my mind. I hated that I had to muster up the capacity and energy to do something so menial, so mundane... Was it seriously down to something as simple as my feelings? Or is there something even more sinister to the reasons behind this? For once, I was at a loss, and I couldn’t help but gnash my teeth at something that was so close yet unbelievably far out of reach. It felt as if I was going to lose on something big if I didn’t do anything. As my heart started to beat faster, I took the leap of faith into the unknown.

“Ludius...”

My hand took off faster than my words, clinging onto his unassuming, sweaty white shirt before my tongue even managed to articulate my thoughts.

“Yes?”

I hesitated. My doubts, reservations, rationale, and those words that the bitch Lorraine told me all those years ago acted like dams in my mind that firmly held the outflow of thoughts from the dark recesses of my desires. I had an inkling of that gut feeling that asking him about this was going to be a mistake. By doing so, I will be extending my weak, exposed wrists to the chains of attachment to which I will be a slave too. Even now I wonder why it came to that point; I could never be content with the explanation that I was simply looking for a way out. Ludius could provide that opportunity, but he wasn’t the only avenue at that crossroads.

In any case, the dams collapsed, and my rationale relented.

“Why are you doing this?”

The regrets followed suit with their relentless assault on my sanity. The intensity of what felt like an inferno engulfing my entire person made me want to shrivel and disappear on the spot. What the hell was I saying?

Then there’s Ludius. That damned grin of his was punchable looking back, but at the time, it felt like I had finally happened on a genuine fountain of water in the desert after happening on countless mirages.

“To tell you the truth, I have been interested in you since before.”

I remember the confusion that moment had brought on me. His words were nothing less than shell-shocking. What was he saying? Why are such comforting words coming out of his mouth? Why am I falling victim to such flattery? Why was he being so kind?!

“The way you carried yourself despite your father’s death and everyone’s sickening attitude towards you.”

No. Stop. This is anything but genuine! He’s trying to get into my head by validating my sufferings and hitting where it hurts! This was a crystal clear case of manipulation! And yet why–why was I smiling at those words?!

“You’ve more than proven your worth standing your ground against abuse.”

That’s not true. If that were the case, I’d be the one pinning you down instead!

“I want you...”

His words felt like snakes that slithered across my entire soul, wrapping their coarse, scaly bodies all around me to secure their unwelcome grip. They violated my entire person, destroyed my sanity, and poked open holes in my capacity to reason. However, back then, in my relative innocence and ignorance, still clinging to hope of a better future, my mind fell for his illusions that such simpering was for my own sake.

“...to be by my side.”

Like a skilled marksman, he shot his words through the smallest of the chinks in my armor, bypassing layers of defenses and inflicting a mortal wound on my sanity.

I was a fool, and that moment was the epitome of my stupidity. I felt my heart skip a beat at this. It was nothing short of a proposal. He wanted me. ME! A dirtied prostitute with nothing to her name and robbed of the ability to produce heirs. As the next in line to the throne of mighty Parpaldia, him going after me was nothing short of political and social suicide. Everything was stacked against him should he go down this path. Still, for some reason that still eludes me to this day, I believed that that future was possible.

“Then what is it that I can do for you?”

My mind broke, and my heart was firmly in his hands. His words and actions up to this moment had accumulated along the layers of walls I’ve built up around my soul like years worth of snow on an aging rooftop. It didn’t take long before everything collapsed entirely, leaving my exposed, weak self to external exploitation. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Lorraine’s cynical words started to sound moot.

“Follow me; I will set you free.”

Central Calendar 1631 (8 years ago)

Click goes the lock on my case as I engage it, signaling the completion of my preparation to set out. I still do not know my destination, but what’s sure is that I will no longer be staying at the Petunias. After a lengthy closed doors negotiation with Ludius, the management finally relented (likely after being convinced with a huge sum of pasos) on my release. Wearing the only outgoing clothes I had, which was a plain pink dress with floral patterns, I indulged myself in the feeling of victory and the long-awaited sense of freedom that I got from taking one last look around the room where I had spent the last 13 years in.

“I will not miss this place.”

I solemnly declared so with the heavy atmosphere that received my words as my witness.

Regardless of what I feel about it today, it was nevertheless a moment that represented my departure from a life I disdained with all my person. Selling my body unwillingly and conducting subtle and minute movements for the sake of keeping my head above the water were no laughing matters. The management was perverted and greedy; their lust for women’s skin and moans was only equaled by their lust for coin. The other girls were perfect sources of rumors and information on clientele and outside information, but they were just as hostile and distant from me as the men that fucked me every hour.

I longed for freedom from that hellhole. Fortunately, freedom the gods gave.

But at what cost?

Even back then, I had reservations about walking into the arms of Ludius, no matter how much my heart dragged my body by its feet. I could never take the words that pledged myself to him, for I knew that the consequences were against me. I did not know what to expect from following him. Was I jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire?

Carrying all these anxieties in my heart, I picked up my case and walked toward the door. Every morning I would walk out that door with the expectation that a new client was awaiting me. For once, I could confidently open the door without fear of a drunkard lunging his smelly self onto my body. I could finally open the door with the hope that something greater lay beyond it.

The door, both physical and proverbial, had been opened. I was free.

Waiting for me outside were the beards and balding heads of the management, their obvious, pretentious airs hiding the perverse inclinations that lay beneath. With the intent of rubbing my victory into their faces, I smugly smiled as I walked past them, ignoring their silent wishes for one last sex goodbye. My prevailing victory over the evils of this world. I never thought I’d see such a day.

Past the reception was the final door to the outside world–the entrance. There, Ludius stood facing me, appearing as if he too were triumphant in something. It didn’t really strike me then, but looking back and remembering the smugness of his grin, it all made sense. Then, like some mad dog left behind by his master for days, I jumped on him with my arms innocently extended outwards. Above the masculine scent his high-quality clothes gave off, there was a particular sense of comfort in the warmth of being with the person I...

...love?

Was he really the shining knight on a white steed in my story? If so, does that mean that I, the princess and the protagonist, have to fall in love? But he’s my cousin, is he not? In the last year we have been together, he neither wavered nor went back on what he said, executing them down to the letter. He said he would come back for me, and he did. He said he would free me, and he did. In a sea of evil and wretchedness, he was the sole island of decency, and I was lucky enough to have found myself where I was. Finally... I feel like I could face that bitch Lorraine and tell her, “you’re wrong!”

We emerged out of the Petunias, hopefully for the last time in this life–no, in any lifetime. The hustle and bustle of street workers and prostitutes greeted us outside, but I’d rather indulge in the symbolism of what I had just done than spend time concerning myself with that. I stood tall, but Ludius stood taller physically–and in hindsight, figuratively. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, leaned in close, and asked me upfront.

“What do you want to do now?”

A reasonable question and one I’m prepared to answer. I did my best not to hold back since I could feel that a string of victories was at hand.

“I want a good life for myself.”

“Okay. However, what I did for you was not cheap. I have and will help you fulfill your ambitions, but in doing so, I’ve set back my own.”

I could have walked away from this at this point. Should it have been out of kindness, I could have used the opportunity to control and manipulate him to get the life that I wanted. After all, he was willing to put in a good amount of time, effort, and resources to free me from the brothel. Provided I thread this with delicacy, I can use him. However, I opted not to, at least me at the time. I saw him for his kindness and consistency. He is a good man, and so I will not let the goodness of his heart be in vain. Lorraine’s words could not have felt any farther when it came to him.

“I will offer my help, Ludius. It is only natural to do so if one were to go by the equivalent exchange.”

Then, for the first time ever, I saw that smile appear on Ludius’s face. In all the times we have been together, even back when we were kids, he had never shown such a smile. It was one of extreme elatedness, almost like that one would make if they heard their debts have been forgiven by debtors. It was a lovely smile, but it was a smile that stirs the innards of my guts for all sorts of different reasons today. No longer do I see it as a smile of happiness, and it was all because of–

“That’s great to hear! And here I thought you were going to bail on me. The truth is... I have a problem.”

- - -

“Ah, good morning, ma’am!”

Two housemaids greeted me as I walked down the familiar decorated halls of the imperial palace, my old home. Since freeing me all those months ago, Ludius wanted to bring me back to the palace, now a much bigger complex that was worthy of its name, but first, I hesitated. Why would I return to that hellhole? It was even more emotionally exhausting to be anywhere close to that place than it was to be in the Petunias. Furthermore, the dog-eat-dog nature of the imperial family would not allow me to return, much less welcome me at the doorstep for any reason besides surrendering myself to be executed. After all, they were the ones that got rid of me in the first place. However, Ludius brought up some points.

First, much of the old guard, who were the ones who despised me in the first place, were already gone or were posted somewhere else, far from Esthirant. Most of our generation had come to take their place, and they were generally sympathetic to what had happened to me. Second, I looked different from who I was when I left. Third, he wanted me somewhere physically close to him so as to simplify things. An additional point he brought up was that I need not return to the imperial family, which I find highly agreeable.

In order to butter up my social status and achieve the future that I wish for while paying back my debt to Ludius, I decided to take his offer and subsequently took the position of chief of palace operations (made possible by Ludius’s influence as the heir).

I walked down the hallways reminiscing about the pain I had felt for almost half of my life. Like me before, those memories never left the palace, contained by the bright white walls and imposing columns like some sort of elegant prison. No renovation and expansion will free the pain I felt and continue to feel. If anything, this procession of mine was so that I could at least give myself the push necessary to make sure that such pain would never happen again.

I entered the work chambers, where I processed most of the paperwork regarding the operations within the palace. It isn’t the slightest bit roomy, but it was a far cry better than my station back in Petunias. I then happened across a brown parcel perched atop the mess of papers on my desk.

“Ah. Finally.”

I remembered. Back when Ludius first freed me, he had one thing to ask of me.

“A certain senator, also the leader of an influential party, has blocked the bill that authorizes harsher economic sanctions on Altaras. We couldn’t get rid of him directly since that would give the Altarans all sorts of unwanted reasons to stick it to us. However, I’m sure you could figure out a way that implicates no one in particular...”

For the first time in a long time, someone had entrusted to me something this important. Furthermore, it was an opportunity to prove my worth to Ludius; that I could also be an important asset in fulfilling his imperial ambitions. Fortunately for him, I had not been idle in the decade I’ve spent at Petunias.

“Let’s see, then.”

- - -

Armed with bountiful knowledge of this senator and the communication skills I’ve learned and honed all these years, I went to the local temple in downtown Esthirant. A fervent believer in the old gods, or so he proclaims, he would frequent the local temple once a week, practicing his religious beliefs. Entering the grand, arched entrance, I found myself embedded in a crowd of religious patrons chanting verses in response to the verses shouted by the priest near the altar. While the thick crowd provided the perfect cover for the senator to make himself scarce in, the parcel contained clues as to where within the temple he’d be and what he wore for the day.

Utilizing my memory of the pictures and details written in the letter included, including my sharp eyes and my relatively petite body, I navigated through the crowd like a serpent in search of its prey. Soon enough, as soon as I positioned myself where it was mentioned he would be, I caught a glimpse of the senator’s broad back wearing a glossy, velvet suit–just as described. He wore a similarly colored bowler hat on his head, almost like a cherry that topped off an eye-catching cake. I discreetly maneuvered towards his side so as to make it seem I’ve always been beside him. Then, as the religious crowd chanted, I spoke to him.

“My, my. Aren’t you a fine man? You do know the gods ask for simplicity since they don’t want mere mortals surpassing them in appearance?”

In response, he gruntled so loud that it nearly overcame the volume of his comparatively soft speech.

“There is simplicity in this outfit, and you blasted harlot. Unlike your sinful tendencies, I am a man for the divine!”

He steered the topic of the conversation toward where I wanted him. Perfect. I kept my voice low and chose the timing to speak so as to try and keep our conversation private.

“Ara~ A man for the divine! Are you sure you’d want to call yourself that when you have an appointment in the Chargny district after this?”

I saw his entire body shake and twitch at my statement.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about...”

Bullseye. Chargny was the formal name for Esthirant’s red-light district. Letting this piece of information out to get him to take me seriously was a gamble, but fortunately for me, it paid off. While it was true that he had latched onto my bait, he was far from being within my grasp. It was now time to reel him in.

“Maybe not, but I’m sure Eric, Rafael, Raul–”

I started listing the names of those he will have an appointment with inside the red light district. Sure enough, the man snapped and grabbed my hand. His palm sweated bullets as his manner of speech lost all the bravado it once had just mere moments ago.

“S-Stop! Fuck! What do you want, you harlot?!”

My ears detected a desire to negotiate behind the crystal clear signs of desperation in his voice. Still, as a woman who wants totality, his distress was not enough.

“What do I want? Resign from your post.”

“That’s... non-negotiable.”

“Oh? I’m sure your wife’s intention to divorce and take custody of your daughter is also non-negotiable once they get their–”

“Y-You...!”

Ah, this feeling of domineering was just pure euphoria. It was genuinely hilarious to see him try to get out of the trap I’ve set. Looking back, I believe that never before have I truly personified the cynical words told to me by Lorraine all those years ago until this very moment. I have interests, and I will force him to make them real.

“I have friends in high places, woman! These blackmails will not go–”

“So what? You don’t have ‘friends.’ How do you think I was able to get so much dirt on you?”

I threw a bluff; I assumed he’d have associates in all sorts of high places, probably even within the imperial court, but the information I got from him all came from my own sources within the empire. Soon enough, his less than stellar grit and composition proved too useless to be assets to him, causing him to stay silent in bitter defeat, unable to even call my bluff. His flimsy personality made me wonder just how he even became a senator.

“I-I... I cannot...”

Cornered like a helpless animal, he whimpered underneath his breath. I expected him to put up more of a fight, but it appears he has already considered acquiescing.

“T-There’s too many powerful people behind me... I will lose either way!”

I then gripped his hand and looked him in the eye. All my life, I’ve always lost, no matter what choice I made. Every option available was unsatisfactory and unpalatable. Whatever consequences await this man should he follow my interests do not concern me whatsoever, but some semblance of sympathy in my heart got me the urge to at least give him the push to man up and make a decision.

“Then choose your poison. But I assure you; I will get what I want.”

- - -

Around a week later, I was back in the city to meet with an associate of mine. It was already clear–and public–what that senator back in the temple had decided to do. Taking the window seat on the second floor of a chic and fashionable Muish cafe in downtown Esthirant, I rewarded myself with a slice of the highly sought-after moon berry shortcake, a sweet pastry from the other side of the world. Valued at 400 pasos a slice, it was extremely expensive, and it was going to get even more pricey due to the recently passed economic sanctions against the trade hub that was Altaras. As I ferried a forkful of shortcake to the innards of my mouth, I talked to the ‘man’ sitting in front of me.

“Did you burn everything?”

“Of course. No way in hell am I going to get implicated for blackmailing an imperial senator.”

Delicious; both the taste of baked moon berry goodness and the masculine femininity of the ‘man’’s voice. I then motioned my hand and my eyes towards the headlines of a newspaper on the table.

“Blackmail? Fufu, no one was blackmailed. It says so in the article you wrote here: ‘Opposition Senator Bellamy Resigns In Light of Chargny Scandal’.”

As I read out the headline, I watched ‘him’ turn away as ‘his’ cheeks reddened.

“W-Whatever! I did what you asked of me! Now can you consider my debt paid?”

“Aww. That would be sad, though, wouldn’t it, Clark?”

At the mention of his ‘name,’ he hung his head low, his shining eyes seemingly on the verge of tears.

“What’s wrong? Wasn’t that part of the deal? Once it’s paid, I can no longer call you ‘Claire.’”

The truth was that this ‘man’ was actually a woman in disguise. Working as an editor and writer in one of Esthirant’s biggest newspapers, she had taken on the persona and appearance of a man to satiate her desire for the female body. It was through her pursuit of this desire that we met back in Petunias. Realizing that we could fulfill the wants of the other, I struck a deal with her. While she only wanted to fulfill the deal for one time since she did not want to end up getting addicted to me, I would always ‘convince’ her to keep renewing our promise to one another, just like what I did after this job from Ludius.

“B-But I have to live with the life I’ve lived...”

“You don’t have to be so hard on yourself, Claire...”

“...”

And just like that, I’ve managed to secure my favored contact in Esthirant’s mass communications apparatus. More so than the ecstasy from teasing her, I was thrilled at being able to be of use to my Ludius. I had done what he had wished for, and that was more than enough for me.

- - -

That night, Ludius bequeathed upon me the reward he had promised should I carry out what he asked me to do. He discreetly led me to the candle-lit bed in his quarters, where he would indulge me in the greatest of all rewards. At that point, I could no longer contain the joy that I was feeling within the bounds of my mind and body, gushing out in the form of sensual moans and bodily juices. As he pounded away to oblivion, I embraced his manly, muscular body and held it as close to my heart as possible. Never before have I felt so secure, so safe, so... happy. It almost felt as if I didn’t deserve such feelings of luxury.

I have suffered for so long. Why did my life have to turn around? And why so abruptly? Wasn’t I an unwanted loose end to be discarded? Even then, I carried those feelings deep in my heart. However, for some odd, unimaginable reason, the gates to my heart, their hinges and chains and locks long rusted and decaying from decades of neglect and lack of use, opened.

“Am I a bad person, Ludius? Do you really want this sorry excuse of a person? Why are you being so kind? Did you perhaps mistake me for someone else? You know that I can’t bear you children, right? Are you–”

Tears of long pent-up sadness flowed out of my tear-starved eyes as my heart laid bare the loneliness I’ve felt all these years. Still, Ludius was not having any of it as he forcefully shut down every single doubt and insecurity that came out of my mouth using his own. I could still remember the softness of his lips forcefully pressed against my own so as to stop the raging uneasiness gushing out. Our lips have met countless times before, but this was the first time that it seemed to be ‘otherwise’ from mere sexual tendencies. After a while, I calmed down, and so he parted his lips from mine.

“I picked you, Remille; there is no mistaking that. I wanted you as an ally to be by my side.”

His words, ever so reassuring, resonated across every recess and crevice in my heart. This time, though, felt different. Despite me opening up my heart, exposing every bit of insecurity, loneliness, and ugliness that resided within, Ludius still accepted it wholly. I didn’t have to throw away any part of myself just to be ‘right’ for him. This feeling of ‘finding where one belongs’ is something that has eternally eluded my grasp. Not even my constantly absent father made up for it with his proclamations of a bright future. He certainly never carried them out. Still, as if every star had aligned itself for my sake, things turned out to be well. I had become a snake, the very type of person that would have resembled the ones that ruined my life, but it was a cost I found necessary to pay to enable me to experience this sort of life. Rather than a warning, Lorraine’s words now served as a guidebook to maintaining this relatively happy life of mine.

This secluded spot of comfort was enabled by Ludius, and I could never be thankful enough for his intervention in my fate. Even as I took the role of a snake to carry out the things that allowed me to express my gratitude to him, there was no mistaking that he now held a special place in my heart.

Oh, if only some things never happened.

Central Calendar 1632 (7 years ago)

In the year since he first accepted me, I’ve handled more dirty things on behalf of Ludius and his camp. As a reactionary imperialist, he aims to bolster Parpaldia’s standing in the region in all sectors while maintaining the conservative status quo domestically. The ailing situation of the reigning emperor, his father, and a reactionary himself, has bedridden him, allowing Ludius to take the reins of facilitating the empire early. He employs many snakes in his service, primarily me and my network, to keep the opposition and his own personal opponents at bay. Whether it be the powerful industrial tycoons, the military brass, or the lowly protesters that sometimes gather at Proclamation Square, I would always have a hand in making sure that they don’t go too far against Ludius.

“Madam! His highness, the Crown Prince, is summoning you.”

One of my staff came running to me with this piece of news. It wasn’t unexpected; Ludius would summon me to meet him outside of appointments. I dismissed the staff member and prepared myself to see him. Fixing my hair and checking my makeup in the mirror, I was very particular about how I looked in front of him. Whether or not it’s because I’m conscious of his perception of me, I still wanted to look my best whenever I was in his presence. He, after all, was my lover.

Standing in front of the decorated, gilded double doors that led to his quarters, I patted down my black and crimson net dress to remove any unsightly gunk. Using my hands, I checked on the condition of my netted stockings and suspenders. If things were to go just like usual, the newly released black lingerie underwear from the well-renowned series of that famous Mirishial brand that I’m currently wearing would be sure to take him by surprise. With everything set, I knocked on the heavy wooden doors.

“Come in!”

A voice–his handsome, manly voice–replied from the other side. I then opened the doors, finding Ludius seated on his bed.

“Excuse me, your highness. May I inquire as to why I have been summoned?”

I bowed in respect as per protocol.

“It’s okay, Remille. You need not uphold protocol when we’re alone.”

Closing the doors behind me, I went towards Ludius’s side just as he directed me to. Sitting down on the usual, comfortable, springy mattress, I looked at his determined eyes with my own. However, where I intended to get down to ‘business,’ his determination was meant for something else.

Oh, if only I could have seen it coming.

“I need to inform you because you deserve to be the first to know.”

I remember mouthing off, “I’m all ears,” all seductively in response. I could never have been prepared for what he was about to say. Not even with the benefit of hindsight could I bear to look back without sorrow.

“I am now betrothed.”

What?¿?¿?¿?¿

My heart, my hands, my voice, my mind–everything had stopped. Time also seemed to have come to a standstill, perhaps to be merciful to my mind, which struggled to piece together, let alone comprehend the words that had come out of Ludius’s mouth and into my pitiful ears. His words, carried by that ever handsome voice of his, were crystal clear and painfully definite. They neither carried doubt or hesitation, as expected of a man like him. Still, my heart was eager to deny it like some baseless slander against it.

“T-T-T-That’s g-great...”

Unlike him, my words got caught in my still frozen mouth, too pathetic to even articulate such a simple, hollow, emotionless remark. However, Ludius was a perfectionist; if he wanted to be violent, he would make sure that the violence he inflicted will be complete.

“I will be marrying Ilyana Ropascieau.”

The name rang a bell; her family had been within the circle of the imperial family for a long time. The House of Ropascieau ruled over a duchy that had sworn allegiance to the empire, with its lineage of dukes having served as excellent commanders in its campaigns and conquests. Still, all the substantial information that I have on her and her family only meant that what Ludius was telling me was likely very genuine. Oh, I hated myself for even doubting him, but now a prevailing sense of pain and sorrow started to take hold of my perspective of things. I tried to maintain what cool I still had, but the emotions were just too powerful. I did not want to blame him, but I also did not want to believe what I was hearing.

Conflicted on what to feel, I foolishly believed that there was more to it. Perhaps, I thought, I could ‘understand’ why he was getting married.

“Why...”

“Why? Why do you need to ask? It’s for the sake of the empire.”

Of course, it was. I already knew why. It’s imperative for Ludius, the crown prince, to be able to produce an heir that would continue the Parpaldian line of succession and the tradition of imperial exceptionalism. Ilyana, the daughter of a duke, was a sensible candidate for the empress. Young, beautiful, well-educated, well-regarded, likely a virgin, and capable of childbirth, she ticked all the boxes for a suitable and worthy Parpaldian empress. Unlike me, an old, worn out, glorified cum rag whose ties to the imperial family have long been severed and without any titles nor property to speak of.

It made sense. Still, I couldn’t stop the emotions swelling up within my heart. Already raptured by what Ludius said, it felt as if they were going to rip it apart all over again. Before I knew it, the tears started running out of my eyes, ruining my makeup and composure.

Why?! I don’t care if it was a sensible decision! Why go for a bitch like her when I am here?!

The agony had forced my eyes to look at Ludius with different lenses. At that point, he no longer appeared to be the kind man that had given me a life free from the shackles of my oppressors.

“But you said you wanted me by your side!”

What was I saying? Was I really that afflicted by the torment of the flurry of emotions that came from what he said?

“Hah... I wanted you as an ally, Remille. I thought you were smarter than that.”

Fuck. Not only did he want me for my capabilities, but now he’s actually insulting me? In hindsight, what he said wasn’t very far from the truth, but back then, I heard it differently. That was because he was starting to sound like the very people I’ve come to despise: the same ones that have used and abandoned me all these years. His irksome words and galling composure hit me like a coach, and my body reacted reflexively by slapping his face.

Slap!

Liberating as it was–I have never been the type to go physical–I knew that this freak episode of emotional outburst was not going to be tolerated by someone like Ludius. Sure enough, he retaliated. His widened eyes, bursting at the seams with cold rage, stared down my angered eyes as he pinned my arms and body on the bed with his strong hands. I did feel fear, but my anger and sadness overpowered what fear-driven mechanisms were acting out.

“Disappointing. I thought you’d understand.”

“And I thought you love–looked back my way...!”

“I did, but only so far as to make sure you’re on my good side.”

Oh no. What have I gotten myself into? Gods, I’m such a fool. I’ve built up my defenses and prepared myself to live off the earth just to never be involved with evil, self-fulfilling people to the point that I was beyond convincing. Why did I allow myself to get swayed by this man? I trusted him too much. I’m so stupid.

There are no good people in this world, Remille, only people with their own interests at heart.

Lorraine’s words echoed in my mind. Considering everything, they made so much sense, almost like a divine prophecy unfolding before my eyes. She was right all along. The man who I assumed to be my friend and someone I should trust turned out to be driven by his own interests. He turned out to be self-seeking with the drive to even cross the great divide between mere hedonists and grand schemers, a necessity to be able to have the stomach to use people.

“You will continue to be on my good side, right?”

He glared right at me just as he said that. There was only one correct answer, and so I nodded.

- - -

The high ceiling of the grand temple at the imperial palace allowed for a spectacularly open space inside, making it appear as if the lavishly painted stone ceiling reached out all the way to the sky. It was nearing noon, and the air inside was hot, but it was also filled with the scent of high expectations and heavy hearts. The temple was packed to the brim with Parpaldian citizens, ranging from very important industrialists to the average man and woman, but there were also numerous foreign dignitaries present. At the center of the temple, where the altar was located, stood Esthirant’s highest priest. Standing together with him were two people, a man, and a woman.

The man wore the best and most spectacular crimson coat and gold sash anyone could have made, and the woman wore the most elegant and cleanest of all white dresses. The two looked at one another with sparkling eyes and gentle smiles, almost as if they were actually lovestruck with each other. They held each other’s hands with what appeared to be the tightest of grips.

How did I know what was going on? I was standing in the crowd, together with the rest of the major staff of the imperial palace.

Having agreed to be on the good side of the man, I had suppressed my most violent emotions. I did not want to rock the boat, nor did I want to earn the ire of the man and his powerful allies. In all that time I laid low, following orders to the letter and carrying out his will, I thought that my emotions would repress themselves, retreating back into the deep recesses that still survive in my heart. However, they instead festered and grew, their target of hate and retribution expanding from the man to his allies to the entire cutthroat system that plagued Parpaldia. My desire for violence, first realized in that slap, continued to grow even more intense and powerful. I wanted to kill someone. I wanted to blow up an entire building. I wanted chaos.

I realized then that Lorraine’s words were not enough; they were only a warning. The world was cruel and there only existed people with a drive to fulfill their desires. However, the story was incomplete. It was a never-ending cycle of dog-eat-dog violence. I came to the conclusion that since every warning must follow up with an advisory statement, I, therefore, needed to complete Lorraine’s insufficient words. There must be a solution to the ills that plagued the Parpaldian imperial apparatus.

“Do you, Ludius Gallaire, take this woman as your wife...”

No longer will I–or anyone–suffer the ignoble tendencies of the greedy.

“I do.”

No more will a hopeful daughter of a household have to cut out her own vessel of childbirth to uphold the “greater good.”

“Do you, Ilyana Ropascieau, take this man as your husband...”

No longer will a heartless snake comfort their abhorrent asses on the Parpaldian throne...

“I do.”

...for there will no longer be any empire to speak of.

“...I hereby pronounce that they are man and wife!”

The resounding clamor of applause filled the air inside the grand temple as the marriage between Crown Prince Ludius and Ilyana Ropascieau was made official. I looked on with lifeless eyes as Ludius’s lips, once so precious and dear to me, gently pressed against hers. No longer was I as afflicted by something so trivial. If anything, it no longer mattered to me.

He, together with the foul, vile, nefarious system that made it possible for people to do the things they did to me, will be broken. Just as their marriage was made official by their vows to one another, I, too, vow that I will do everything to break the system.

Whatever. It. Takes.