Chen Feiyan VII

the Monastery, Heguri Empire

the Air

Chen Feiyan woke in the dark and shivered under the thick wool blanket. It was still early morning. What time exactly, she could not tell. Wind whistled through the wooden boards on her window.

Maybe another few hours before the rooster crows.

Badger lay next to her on the narrow straw mattress. The mountain air was frigid, and Fei still huddled next to her, stealing her body heat. She watched as Badger’s chest rose and fell in her sleep, snoring lightly. Fei snuggled closer and shut her eyes again. She could not sleep. Her mind raced. Fei imagined herself prowling the wall, defending the monastery against shadows. She imagined herself gliding across the fields, flashing light from her hands.

Why can’t you fall asleep?

Fei had not been sleeping. Between her training, rotations, and time spent learning her new skills, Fei often found excuses to stay up late or wake up early.

Quietly Fei slipped out from under the blanket and onto the cold stone floor. The frame of the bed creaked as she moved. Fei sat on the floor with her back straight against the thick wooden bed frame. Once more, she peeked over her shoulder to make sure Badger was still asleep. The wool blanket moved slowly up and down, and she heard the faint snore. Fei held out her open palm. A small ball of light no larger than a plum danced in her hand. She worked it with her mind, first making it as small as a nut before bulging it as large as an overripe orange.

Not so bright to wake Badger.

Fei brought it back down to a plum before sending it around the room. It danced around in a full circle before landing back in her hand.

Fei thought back to Mushroom’s instruction, “It takes time to build up the stamina for it. Like fighting or running.”

She was busy making up for lost time. Whenever Fei was alone in her quarters or at Badger’s, she practiced with the light. Fei was building her stamina. She made the light grow and shrink like the moon. She sent bolts of it across the room or made it dance in a circle. Badger taught her how to shoot it out in front of her in a constant beam of light. It was the technique Badger and the priests used to stun the demons in the dark. Fei’s stamina improved day by day.

Fei watched the dancing ball of light bob in front of her like the lights in the tower stairwell. With the wave of her hand, she contorted the light into the shape of a small bird and let it fly around the room without direction. She watched as it flew to the boarded window and pecked at the edges as the wind whistled past.

Everything wants to fly free eventually.

“Not today, little bird,” she whispered.

The light flew back into her open palm and disappeared on command. The room was dark again. Fei looked over her shoulder. Badger continued to snore, and the blanket moved up and down peacefully. Fei considered practicing her levitation but thought better of it. She could barely get it right with Badger’s help.

Fei thought back to her second trip to the tower. She looked back over at the sleeping Badger again and remembered the conversation they had before she went.

“Absolutely not. Once was enough.”

“I’ve learned the light. I haven’t passed out again since the first night.”

“That’s a low bar.”

“I’m getting stronger.”

“But you still get headaches? Nausea?”

“Not for a week.”

Not entirely true, but mostly.

“You’re lucky.”

“Or I have a great teacher,” Fei smiled.

“Don’t try to sweeten me up,” Badger pointed at her, “That’s not fair!”

Fei brushed Badger’s arm intentionally and laughed. She felt uneasy about using Badger to get what she needed, but it was only a bit here and there. And Fei did care for Badger. She was embellishing a truth that was already there. They were just small lies. Mushroom was right; Badger had a weakness for her.

“Mushroom said gliding was just as easy as the light. Just drink the root and read the tablet.”

Badger shook her head, “It’s not that simple.”

“I bet all the priests know how to do it if Mushroom knows.”

“They’re all trained; in the arts, meditation.”

“Training in the arts has nothing to do with this.”

“Oh really? Educate me.”

Fei opened her mouth to say something but had nothing worthwhile to add.

“That’s what I thought. Gliding and the arts and meditation, they’re all connected. You need a calm mind for total control.”

“Which is why my lovely teacher is teaching me meditation.”

Badger cackled, “Your meditation is worse than a five-year-old child’s!”

Fei hit Badger on the arm and contorted her face into a sour look.

“Hey, I’ve been trying.”

Not that hard, to be fair. Another little lie.

Fei had not meditated for almost ten days.

Badger sighed and pulled her close. She looked around her quarters as if in thought.

“I’m sorry. I know you have.”

Fei looked up to Badger and kissed her lightly.

“Badger…”

“Yes.”

“As I said, I’m going to go down to the second level tonight. I would love your help getting back after, but if you feel like you cannot, I understand.”

“Moth...”

“I’m sorry. I need to.”

Badger pulled away.

“I want to help,” she paused for a moment, “If Spider caught me, she’d send me away. I’d be gone before the next morning. I need the monastery, little Moth.”

“I understand.”

“I have a home again.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, Badger, I won’t get caught.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve never been caught.”

Badger shook her head, “None of that was the same. Spider might already know. You shouldn’t have told Mushroom. You don’t know where you stand with her.”

“She told me how to drink the root in the first place. Something you wouldn’t do. And I trust her. She doesn’t like Spider.”

Badger shook her head, “Mushroom is ambitious. Whether she knows it or not, you’re social currency for her to use with Spider. You’re a secret she can barter.”

“Is that what I am to you?”

“No,” Badger looked hurt, “Never.”

“What if it came to it? What if she made you choose.”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“I’m sorry. Look, all I wanted to say was that I’m going to the tower tonight. I could use your help like last time. But if you can’t, you can’t. I understand. I’ll look after myself, I always have.”

Badger looked unconvinced, “You would’ve passed out and vomited in the tower without my help. Someone would have caught you.”

Fei knew Badger was right but didn’t have the energy to fight about the point any further. She was going to go to the tower. It was as if she had no choice in the matter. Fei kissed Badger again and turned to leave. Before she could go, Badger reached out and grabbed her by the arm.

“I’ll be there.”

The second trip down the tower went even smoother than the first. Fei knew what to expect ahead of time. The root still tasted bitter and muddy, like the earth. The tower was empty in the middle of the night, and Fei reached the second room well before the root took hold. Somewhat to her surprise, there wasn’t much difference between the first room and the second. Only the characters on the page differed.

The stairwell between the first and the second rooms was the same, too. Only the distance wasn’t as far between the two rooms as it was to get back to the surface. Like the first room, the stairs continued down into the depths of the mountain on the far side of the second.

When the root began to affect Fei, the walls moved, and the rooms lit with brilliant colors once again. Fei placed her hands on the tablet and felt the energy. Like with the light, she immediately felt the power of the characters rush through her. Fei stepped gracefully off the stone floor into the air. She levitated for a moment, untethered to the floor, untethered to the earth.

Her stomach lurched. She needed to vomit.

Not here. Not here. Just wait for Badger.

Fei returned to the ground. She did not dare spend any more time in the air without Badger’s guidance. Fei remembered the violent sickness following her last trip down the tower. She didn’t leave Badger’s quarters for two days. Instead, Fei lay on her back on the cold stone floor. She would wait for the root to pass or for Badger to arrive.

She’ll come, she promised.

Fei looked up to the ceiling. It was spiraling in on itself. Like before, Fei couldn’t feel where her arms ended and the room began. Her stomach felt uneasy. She closed her eyes.

Fei was in the open-air market of Loghua. It was how she remembered it, yet the colors were vibrant, and the spiral pattern kept her surroundings in constant movement. Through the crowd, a young boy waved to her. The boy was slightly scrawny, and his hair unkempt. His face was dirty. He waved at her, asking her to follow him.

Fei watched him. He was alone. The boy was literally alone in the market, but more than that, he was lonely. He wore a smile on his face as he ate a bowl of noodles. He conversed easily with the owners of the stalls and smiled, but he was alone. Fei slipped behind the wall of a small shed and watched him further. He looked up for her but could not find her. The boy cast aside his finished noodles and wandered around the market looking.

Fei walked out of the market and into the fields towards the figure of a girl. It wasn’t Meifang. She was reading a text by herself. Wind swept through the fields, and the vibrant colors of the crops changed with the wind. Fei drew closer. The girl didn’t look at her; it was as if she wasn’t there. As Fei pulled closer still, she caught a glimpse of the girl’s face. She wasn’t Daming. The girl came from where Gourd lived before the monastery. She was from the West. She was broad and strong, like Badger.

Fei could feel her. She was sad, no, scared. Both? Was she running? Running from what? The girl stood up and put her text into her pack. Slowly the girl walked away into the horizon. Fei watched as the hand appeared and opened for her. Before stepping into it, the girl called for another.

Me?

But the hand wasn’t for Fei. She watched as another boy ran after her, tall like the first but handsome. He was lost, too. But, angry. Less scared, angrier. He ran past Fei, and suddenly they were at the small docks by the river mouth at Loghua. The boy cast off in a small boat. He was looking for something or someone.

What did he lose?

Fei felt a firm grasp on her shoulders. She opened her eyes and was back in the tower. Badger’s face looked down at her.

She came for me.

Fei struggled to focus as her surroundings continued to move, but she felt Badger’s love. She pulled Badger’s face down to her and kissed her.

“Let’s get you up and out of here.”

Badger carried her up the tower stairs. They moved slowly. The lights that normally bobbed suspended in air danced; some took shapes of animals and followed the two up the staircase. Fei felt the wind funneling through the passageway that led back out to the courtyard when they reached the top of the stairs. It was brisk and cold, but Fei enjoyed how it felt on her skin.

Usually, the mist was wispy and cold, but it felt thick tonight. The mist unfolded all around Fei in bright colors, lit under the influence of the root. She watched it spiral in all directions as Badger carried her across the courtyard towards her quarters.

“Is anyone awake?”

“Just the priests on the ramparts.”

“You’re a terrible whisperer.”

Badger smiled, “Shut up, or I’ll drop you.”

“I didn’t get caught.”

“Only because I’m here,” Badger smiled.

Badger still lay sound asleep. Fei wondered if she sensed light creeping around the edges of the boarded-up window. It still seemed too early. She stood up and crawled back into bed, and the frame creaked again. She poked at Badger’s chest. Badger opened her eyes and rubbed them with her hands. She yawned and looked over at Moth as if she was still surprised to see her there after all these nights. Fei felt Badger’s strong arms close in around her and pulled her in close.

“Can’t sleep again?”

“No.”

“Practice again?”

Fei nodded.

“Just the light?”

“Just the light. No gliding.”

“Good girl. How’s your stomach?”

“Better. No nausea. Head is ok too.”

“You are getting stronger.”

Fei smiled, “I told you.”

“With my help, you’re getting stronger with my wise counsel.”

“I’m a natural.”

“Knock it off. Come here, let’s go back to sleep.”

Fei curled into Badger and closed her eyes. Her mind was quiet again. She drifted off to sleep.

Practicing gliding was difficult. The concept was challenging to begin with, and being untethered to the ground confused Fei’s mind. Apparently, this was normal. She spent her whole life tethered to the ground. Suddenly being able to lift off and not return was jarring. Besides being conceptually tricky, there was nowhere to practice. No one other than Badger and Mushroom knew that Fei had taken the light, much less gliding from the tower. The small courtyard where Fei and Mushroom sparred was visible from the ramparts and thus the priests. Fei could levitate and glide within Badger’s quarters, but the room was too small to do anything worthwhile.

A lack of practice left Fei defenseless against Mushroom in their sparring. Fei improved so much that she could usually hold her own against Mushroom without using any of the tower’s secrets. As Fei improved, Mushroom flew through the air more and more during their bouts. Mushroom didn’t like to lose. Neither did Fei. But Mushroom was the only one allowed to use the secrets during sparring sessions. Not only would she glide, but Mushroom would occasionally flash Fei with light in the middle of a combination, stunning her or causing her to stumble backward.

“She’ll need them outside the wall.”

“But it’s not fair. I can’t defend against the secrets. If Mushroom can use them, I need to use them.”

“She’s close to being allowed on the ramparts. She needs to master them. These sessions aren’t only about you, little Moth. Both of you are training.”

“I’m just a target bag without the ability to defend myself.”

“A good target bag at that. More difficult to beat than one of those Shadows,” Mushroom chipped in.

“You don’t know that Mushroom,” said Badger, “Don’t underestimate your opponent. Assume the worst.”

Mushroom shrugged, “If you can do it, Badger.”

“Shut up,” Badger waved off Mushroom.

“That’s alright. I take it as a compliment,” Fei said, “I’d rather be a good target bag than a poor one.”

“At least you’re not made of straw,” Mushroom said.

“Both of you shut up. Ok, a few more rounds, then we’ll call it a night.”

Fei was bruised and bloodied, as usual. She was looking forward to the end of tonight’s session. After sparring, Mushroom walked Fei back to her quarters. It was late, and the workers were back in their quarters, playing tiles or reading the common room. Smoke still billowed from the kitchens indicating Beetle and some of the kitchen staff were still working. Maple tree limbs creaked in the wind. Fei caught a glimpse of Frog and Hare walking along the far side of the courtyard; she wanted to go to them. She missed them.

“Sorry about tonight.”

Fei turned and saw Mushroom, “About?”

“Look at your nose. I knocked you up pretty bad.”

Fei smiled, “Don’t worry about it. It makes me stronger.”

“Good way of looking at it.”

Fei looked back over to Frog and Hare, but they were gone.

“Am I keeping you?”

“No, no.”

The pair padded through the mist of the courtyard. The tower loomed over them, lit with oil lamps near the base. Lights illuminated the tower windows from inside, and the smell of smoke filled the courtyard air from wood stoves. The branches of the trees continued to dance in the wind.

Spider and some of the others are still awake. I wonder what she does with all her time.

“Let’s sit for a moment,” Mushroom said, pointing at one of the benches under one of the massive maple trees.

Fei followed Mushroom to the bench, and they sat alone in the mist. Wind swept past them, bringing with it cold, wet air. Lose hairs from Fei’s messy bun whipped in the wind in front of her face. She let her hair down to fly free in the air.

“Listen,” Mushroom started quietly, “I need your help.”

“How?”

“You and Badger, your argument back there… You’re both right.”

Fei let Mushroom continue.

“Those sparring sessions aren’t just for you. I need to be able to glide and flash and beam even if you can’t defend yourself. But you’re right too; if you can’t defend yourself, I’m not getting much training, am I?”

Fei shook her head in agreement.

“Now, there’s nowhere for us to practice. Our quarters are too small, the courtyard is visible to everyone, and I don’t think Beetle would appreciate it if we made a mess of the dining hall.”

“No, she would not,” Fei smiled.

“Now that’s a sparring partner that would give me trouble.”

“Can you imagine Beetle limping after you with a knife?”

“I imagine she’d slam me with her stool.”

“Terrifying.”

Fei smiled.

“But, little Moth… No one would see us out in the fields.”

“The fields? What about the farmers?”

“At night.”

Fei’s eyes widened. She thought back to her night outside the wall, the night she met Mushroom. She remembered the red eyes that stalked her in the dark. The sloshing sounds in the rice paddies as it chased her still made the hairs on her back stand.

“We can’t go out there, there’s… there are shadows outside the wall; those, things.”

“Not every night.”

“Of course not every night.”

“Not most nights.”

“Badger said they’re coming more often.”

“Maybe, but it’s still rare. Especially as it gets colder.”

“It feels dangerous.”

“If we see one, we’ll fight it off. I already know how to beam it, so do you from what Badger said.”

Fei nodded; it was true. Fei could emit a constant stream of light towards a target. She could hold it for twenty to thirty seconds at this point. That would be plenty of time for Mushroom to make quick work of a beam stunned shadow.

“Really, I would not even need you. I can beam through an object like Badger’s staff, too. I could handle it all myself.”

“Then why don’t they let you work the nights?”

“Why do you think?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s more of the same. They’re too conservative. The older priests. It’s as if I threaten them.”

Fei wondered about the idea. It could be true. Fei often felt threatened by Mushroom, even though she knew it was silly. Mushroom was agile, quick, strong, and arrogant. She threatened tradition just by being herself.

Fei reached out and caught a brown maple leaf that floated past the two in the wind. The maples continued to creak.

“The leaves, they’re all changing now. No more red or orange. All brown and dead. I miss the colors.”

“Winter is arriving.”

“It gets colder than this, right?”

“Much colder. It snows up here, often. You’re going to get good at clearing it out of the courtyard.”

Fei smiled. She knew Mushroom was right.

“I bet Badger likes to clear the snow.”

“You know her better than I,” said Mushroom.

“What’s that supposed to mean.”

Mushroom grinned, “Nothing, nothing. Don’t read anything into it”

“Badger said they come less in the winter: the shadows, the demons.”

“She’s right. Another reason why we don’t have anything to fear outside the walls.”

“I do want to learn. I want to get better. And I do think we could beat one if we needed to.”

“I know we can, Moth,” she held out her hand, “Trust me.”

Fei took Moth’s hand and held it tight for a moment. The grip was firm and hard, not soft like Badger’s big hands.

“When do we start?”

“The moon is small and getting larger again. In a few nights, I think we’ll have enough light.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll feign an ankle injury during training on the night, so you know. It’ll shorten training to give us more energy for our real practice, too.”

“Ok.”

“Thank you, Moth.”

Fei smiled, “Of course.”

“I was wrong about you.”

Mushroom stood up and walked away towards her quarters. She stopped and turned back one more time.

“Moth, my name, it’s Iko. I come from the west, not far from here. My village sits under the mountain.”

“Fei. I’m Fei. I come from the southeast coast across the border, a fishing village on the river.”

“See you tomorrow, Moth.”

Mushroom smiled and quickly disappeared into the mist. Wind blew, and Fei huddled into her coat under the maple tree. She looked across the courtyard and thought about the warmth of Badger’s bed. Fei wanted to sleep there tonight. She wondered why she did not feel more guilty for going behind Badger’s back like this. She didn’t like it. She wanted to care more. She loved Badger. She was sure of it. And yet, she betrayed that love so easily and so often. Either deliberately or on accident.

“Don’t be careless with another’s heart,” she could hear her Mother saying in her head.

Fei stood up and began the walk to Badger’s quarters.