Chapter 001

The Girl in the Mirror

Lily stared dejectedly at her reflection in the bedroom mirror. Never a thin girl, her recent 20 extra pounds had pushed her officially into the overweight category. Her once soft and straight hair was now flat and oily, skin sporting new blemishes and eyes with dark circles.

Even if I wasn’t a damn lesbo who would love this!, she thought. No, that’s not fair. That was her dad's voice in her head, along with her Bishop and everyone at school. Shut up, shut up, shut up, she raged internally.

Lily’s struggles to fit in started early in her life. She was the second of 4 kids born into a conservative Mormon family in a small town outside Layton, Utah. She came into the world one year after her sister Amy, born into her shadow.

Amy matured into a beautiful blonde girl next door. She was athletic, smart and had no trouble making friends. Sweet, gentle; the perfect daughter. Lily found herself plain, with flat dirty blond hair and constantly struggling with her weight. While Amy floated through her early years, Lily struggled to find her place.

Raised in a community with outspoken anti-homosexual values, Lily was shocked and dismayed to discover her attraction to females. Those feelings only grew as she entered puberty. She had managed to suppress her feelings and desires for 15 years, keeping them from everyone, until one night she ruined everything.

During a sleepover with Melissa, her best and only close friend, the topic turned to sex. With the PG-13 movie over, the lights off, and her parents safely asleep; Melissa had turned to Lily and blurted out, “I let Josh touch me!”

Lily was shocked; what, how, who, why? Melissa told Lily a shocking tale of fumbling around in a back room at school and insistent pressure from Josh. She refused to touch him, but finally relented and they started making out. Things progressed and eventually he talked her into pulling up her dress so he could touch her. After several minutes they were almost caught and they broke apart and went out separately. Melissa was sure something amazing was about to happen.

Lily found herself becoming excited listening to Melissa. She imagined what it would be like if she was there instead of Josh. Melissa described it as the most wonderful feeling, so soft and intimate. The pressure building towards something she was sure would have been magical.

Melissa wanted to do it again, but she was worried Josh would tell people. She said he was too immature and clingy. They had gotten into a fight afterwards because he wanted her to touch him. “No way!”, she said. She wasn’t a slut after all.

Melissa spent the next 20 minutes talking about the various boys in their classes and who she could get to do it without anything in return. She wanted someone not too nerdy, but not a kiss and tell jock. She lamented there was no one she could trust not to tell, or demand more.

It was at that moment, Lily made the worst decision of her life. Placing a hand on Melissa’s knee; she blurted out, “I would do it, if you let me.”

That was 3 years ago, but the memory of what followed still fills Lily with shame. The instant look of disgust on Melissa’s face, the hateful words, the traded insults between the former best friends. Melissa calling Lily a dyke and Lily calling her a slut. The tears and questioning looks from her parents as Melissa demanded to be taken home at 2am.

The next day at school she found Melissa telling everyone Lily had tried to molest her. The school calling both her parents and the police. By the end of the week everyone in town had heard about Lily practically raping Melissa. All that paled in comparison to the look her parents gave her.

Her father was disgraced and had to step down from his calling at their local ward. Lily was called in front of the bishop to explain herself and quickly found the only way out of his office was to admit to being a deviant and setting a prayer plan to have God fix her.

The hate from her father surprised her the most, while never a loving man, she was always treated with an affectionate tolerance. Her father was a busy man, always working on one project or another. Looking back she realized how much of his time was spent on impressing those around him. He took the situation with Melissa as a personal attack on him, a disgrace to the family and an unforgivable sin.

What a worthless piece of crap!, she thought. He was never a good father. Everything he ever did was to keep up appearances. 3 years and he still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m 18 now and I can’t wait to finish school and just leave.

Lily started pulling her clothes on. Her standard dress code was grunge goth. Striped knee socks, long dark colored skirt (or pants depending on the weather), t-shirt, layered long sleeve shirt, black hoodie and a pair of ratty converse.

Reaching for her makeup, her eye catches the bottle of pills. Doesn’t look like I will need you after all, she mused. Lily thought back to the dark days when she started collecting pills from wherever she could. She stored them all in a large plastic Tylenol bottle, just in case. Many nights she would sit up late sobbing, trying to get the courage to take the pills and end it all.

Eventually she moved from suicide to cutting and a fascination with pain and sadness. She began listening to darker music, replacing her bright clothes with darker designs. She figured if she was the black sheep of the family she should dress the part.

Always an accomplished artist, Lily eventually found some acceptance online creating and sharing her poetry and illustrations of dark angels, demons and vampires. She regained a sense of worth and belonging by sharing her work with her fans.

Taking up a large brush, she worked to conceal her acne while mentally reminded herself to finish up her latest drawing. Some guy in Japan sent her $30 to create a picture of a young woman being attacked by an undead creature. She was having trouble getting the decay on the zombie like creature to look natural.

Shaking her head, she thought back to how her current source of income got started. She loved making drawings of vampires and dark angels, posting them for free on various boards. As she got more popular, she started getting requests for custom work.

With her father cutting her off, this seemed like a way to make some money for herself. Finding work in town was impossible as she was well known as ‘that deviant girl’. Rumors of her being a satanist, or at least a witch, were still discussed. Not much happens in a small town, so the opportunity to torment someone different was a good source of entertainment. Nothing reaffirms your own righteousness like making sure someone else knows how much better you are than them.

The bulk of the requests were from people interested in hardcore Hentai (graphic, realistic drawings of women in sexual situations). She laughed as she remembered her first offer. It was $40 to draw schoolgirls getting molested by a tentacle monster. Eventually she worked out her own boundaries. She would draw sexy women in skimpy clothes, but nothing hardcore.

As more orders came in, she became more and more fascinated with darker content. Women warriors or victims, fighting and even dying. Her online persona; ‘BloodyLilithRose’, was popular with those interested in violent and dark illustrations. Her disturbing and realistic images stood out above a lot of the other content.

Finishing up, she took one last look in the mirror. If only my fans knew the real me. 18 and already getting fat, acne and wearing cheap thrift store clothes. Lesbian, shy, weak, stupid, worthless… Lily wiped away a few tears before they streaked her mascara. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she left the room and headed off to school.