“Young Man Vasco, Pahuvwa Nunu has much influence concerning how we handle newcomers to the village. It seems he does not intend to sway you to stay as one of us. As i can only infer as to why, even after bringing you here, he would do this i will defer to his judgment and plea you leave with Merchant Dane as well.” Vema continues our conversation after the interruption without a hitch, only this time she doesn't want me around because Nunu asks politely yet firmly that I leave with Dane. Patriarchy! Pfft haha. What a joke. Well, it doest really matter I intended on following this Dane guy for a little ways anyway; if not to backtrack to a spot these people couldn't see me enter the forest, then so i could ask the guy what the hell is going on here. At the very least to get directions to the nearest road.

“Cheiftai Vama, respecfully, I would be overjoy if Yaung Man Nacoo stay in village, but i think Yaung Man Nacoo be happier in town. Yaung Man Nacoo live in comfort even in The Wood, Yaung Man must be very important man, not born to stay here, but destine to accomplish many wondrous feat.” Nunu not only defends my character, but also paints me as something akin to a storybook hero with a destiny and everything. That gives me an ‘awe shucks’ moment in my gut before i remember i don’t know this dude, and he’s blowing smoke out his ass. ‘Destiny’ huh? Now I'm almost certain this whole “village” is a scam of some sort, or maybe a cult or something. Worse, they could all actually believe the shit they’re telling me, if that were the case i can't get out of this place fast enough. I can accept liars, thieves, pariahs, or all other sorts of low down degenerates; my cynicism allows that. What I can't accept is idiocy , that shit don't slide. Spend all of an hour with me and already worked out I'm some easy mark? That I even have anything someone would want?

Whew, Zen man. what the hell am I so upset over? These people haven't wronged me. My God I'm goddamn Looney Toons, section 8, took funny pills this morning. Why am I so on edge? This can't just be a bad breakup, something's wrong with me, I'm very much not myself. Maybe I should cut this trip short and see a psychologist or something, if I keep this up I'll have an aneurysm at 25. Jesus wouldn't that be a way to go? No, no I just need time away from people, that was the point of driving up here even without anyone else, it wasn't just avoiding having the po-po called on me in front of my sister's house, I knew I needed to be away from people, and all I've had was a few hours tops. I'll give myself another day or two to chill a bit before I have myself committed to an asylum. Let's just stick this out, just a little longer, then sweet sweet isolation.

"Well then. Young Man Vasco, the offer to join us still stands. However, Young Man Vasco, I still would recommend leaving with Merchant Dane as per Pahuvwa Nunu's recommendation, his intuition is very sharp. The choice is yours Young man Vasco."

Why would I not have a choice? They're probably just being dramatic, that's like a line out of a movie. I'm not sure how to mine 'I'll go with Dane' so I just point at the ground and shake my head vigorously. Nunu wears a sad smile at my answer, Vema also grimaces just barely for a split second and nods, and Cha-Cha real smooth has had her eyes closed and has been sitting still since Nunu relayed that Dane was near. Weird lady.

Why do they seem a little down I decided to leave? They where practically saying get lost a moment ago. I should just stop trying to figure these people out, I just keep coming up with questions that have answers I probably don't really care about. This is just surface curiosity no need to sate it.

"Well, Young Man Vasco it seems you wish to leave? Well then, let's prepare so you can properly meet Merchant Dane. He is a kind man but not a naive one, you must prove somewhat that you mean him no ill intent before he agrees to escort you anywhere." Vema stands, Nunu stands, I grab Freya and stand, Cha finally opens her eyes and says, "Dane is within attack range Chieftain Vema. There is nothing unusual in the caravan."

"We are not attacking Merchant Dane Advisor Cha. Please refrain from making such tasteless jokes in front of guests in the future."

"Of course Chieftain." Cha says in a decidedly unrepentant manner.

"Let's head out to greet Merchant Dane then." Vema leaves first, then Nunu, Cha stares at me a moment then gets up and follows. I bend down and grab a few fruit I dropped earlier and stumble out of the rock room.

Fighting off temporary blindness from leaving the relatively dark shelter to the pretty fucking bright mid-day sun, I squint and notice nobody was waiting for me to leave the room. The trio I was just with are walking to the other end of the village that I haven't seen yet, from here I see a mob of the villagers crowded on the outskirts of the village, in a similar pattern to when I pulled up earlier. Taking a bite out of one of the fruit, I start toward the welcoming committee and look around a bit. It's just more of the same, but I notice not everyone went to greet Dane, some people are still in the village doing miscellaneous tasks, preparing meals, babysitting, just living peacefully, it actually seems pretty nice, but I gotta say I like modern comforts too much to really want to live mountain man style. I’ve heard you could live in relative comfort like that, and living out in nature sounds really wonderful to be honest, but it's more a retirement plan than how I want to spend my life. There's still a lot of life to live among civilization for me, even with all the bullshit and heartache, still a lot to look forward to even with the pain. Oh god im such an edgelord. Yep, still a lot of life for me haha. See what just like a minute of some time alone and with a fairly clear head can do? I feel better already.

Walking up behind the two lines of people waiting in greeting for Dane, Nunu, Vema, and Cha stand in front of the two lines and start their greeting for the guy rolling up. The two lines are in the same configuration as when I showed up, with rocks and all. Heh, guess im not important enough to have the chieftain greet me out front, not that they knew who I was or that i care; just an observation.

Dane, i guess, rolls up not in a truck, or van, or car, but an honest-to-god horse drawn carriage only its not horsedrawn, but pulled by… dogs? Two fucking huge dogs, big as… big as the mondo sheep, maybe bigger, and mean looking like a couple bulldogs but with a long snout; i dont think they are actually that breed but thats as close a comparison i could make. God they’ve got to be in a record book of some kind, I've never heard of a dog getting anywhere near this big, and here are two concept shattering monsters, what in creation are them ahmish feeding their animals? If livestock companies find out about this place there's gonna be a hostile takeover, holy hell. The carriage is flanked on both sides by one rider per side and followed by one more, so four people total far as I can tell. The riders are mounted on actual horses, but, like, extremely beefy horses, like if the horse was a human athlete, they would probably get kicked out of their profession for substance abuse. Wearing something that came out of a renaissance fair Dane, i assume, stands from his cart and opens his arms wide in greeting, then shouts something in another language I don't recognize, again, oh how I miss people who know english. Whatever he said is in a different language of the Nunu and gang, but the trio up front seem unconcerned and Vema says something along the lines of, ‘Welcome Merchant Dane, you are most certainly blessed blah blah,’ and my mood is ruined again. I can't really be bothered to listen to what they’re saying since im just out of earshot, well i can hear them but cant make out what's being said. Dane doesn't really react to what Vema says as he jumps off his carriage, reaches into a canvas bag slung over his shoulder, and produces a glass vial about palm seize. Cha does the same with her bag but with an identical bottle they gave me earlier and walks over to Dane where they where they exchange them; Dane immediately downs his, and Cha brings the bottle she got to Vema, who also upends it immediately. The people Dane brought with him dismount and start unloading the carriage, starting with an empty crate which the women group right in front of me walk over to and place the fruit they carry into. The group of four followed the unloaders and without talking Dane and Vema point and gesture to decide what leaves the carriage. A few minutes go by in relative silence before Dane and Vema start talking, each speaking their own language, but obviously understanding each other and I can't help but wonder what hudoo-vudoo-chicken-foot-and-newt-eye black magic bullshit they crammed in those bottles.

Where the fuck am i? A different forest, random ancient village with spears and shit, giant sheep, giant dogs, prairie schooners, weird languages, cosplayers. Did i walk into Narnia? This is some type of prank right? I could use a drink, or a good thwack from the forget-me-stick. Whew just stick it out Vas, just a little longer and you can just ride on out of Toon Town, just a bit longer.

Vema gives a shout, “You group, grab the supplies to trade, and you lot prepare a meal for Merchant Dane and his company, Young Man Vasco, come over and introduce yourself, Merchant Dane has agreed to escort you back to PakeCrest.” she gets the men moving, then the women, and then I get called over like a kid being told to hug a relative they never see. I comply. Walking up, I take a closer look at Dane; couple inches shorter than myself, muscular guy, trimmed beard and swept back red hair, friendly face, maybe mid 40s, like i said earlier, renaissance like clothes, his bag and a dagger hanging off the belt wrapped around his waist, and jewelry, mostly pretty simple silver rings a wristband and a pretty thick necklace. I tap my chest and say “Im Vasco Reese, and you don't speak english either i'm guessing, right? Of course not. Ooga booga, i have three testicles, Fallout 76 is the best in the series, and world peace is an attainable goal. Nice to meet you, ginger boy.”

“Cranke, froma dah, Dane Crestfo, bouha jehe.” Dane says while swiping his hands on his chest and doing jazz hands at eye level for a second. Probably another greeting, or i should be insulted; I don't know for certain and don't really feel like i could really be offended by someone who casually jazz hands at people.

I stand awkwardly for a few seconds and say, “okay, i'm going to see if they’re making food for me too, see ya when we head out.” and turn to leave as the first men who left to get their trade goods, start coming back. Dane shouts something in a teasing tone of voice and I ignore whatever it was he said as I head to the boulder i saw the women enter. Before entering the rock i look back and notice he and Vema are back to discussing whatever it was they were talking about, haggling if i had to guess. Feeling kinda like I threw my ‘don't be a douche’ rule out the window, I enter the boulder.

The place had eight people already in here and it did feel like its starting a bit cramped in here, so i found the most isolated area and sit there, to watch what grub is being made. The women in the tent didn't seem to mind me entering, or making myself comfortable, so I feel my pockets for my phone to listen to some music while I wait, only to realize I left it in my truck and, being as lazy as I am, decided to forget it for now. I don't recognize the food being made, some kinda stir fry i guess, i'm not sure, I was never much of a cook, mostly just pasta and eggs, I learned a bit but real simple meals, so I didn't have to eat fast food all the time, steak and potatoes you know? Not that whatever they’re cooking looks particularly involved, just chopping some stuff up and tossing it in, looks like. It does look, and smell pretty good though, very, i'm not sure, colorful scent?

After what feels like quite some time Cha enters the room and the cooking wraps up; she looks to me and calls me out of the room. Outside there are a few crates placed in a circle with Vema, Nunu, Dane, and his men sitting around, with two crates left open, probably for me and Cha. I go to sit, and once again no one stops me, Cha does the same a short moment after me. The women from the boulder come out like a storm, placing bowls filled with their concoction in everyone's hands, then disappear just as fast, then after a few short words from Dane, everyone starts on their meal. They eat with their bare hands apparently. Eating with your hands isn't really a strange concept right? Pizza, burritos, that stuff, but I've never eaten stir fry with my hands before, it ain't really finger food y’know? But whatever, when in Rome right? Digging in, the taste is a lot like its smell, colorful, zesty, real active flavor i guess you'd say. I recognize the fruit that seems to float all over this place in the meal as well as unidentified chunks of meat, and some sort of gravy or sauce, yup real finger food mhmm. Dane says something to me and Vema translates, “Young Man Vasco, Merchant Dane says you’ll depart shortly after your meals. It's a shame he does not wish to stay awhile longer, but townsfolk are always busy it seems.” I nod in acknowledgement, prompting Dane to say something, once again in a teasing tone prompting chuckles from a few in the circle, i choose to ignore Mr. Jazz Hands again and work on finishing my brunch. Our meal continues in relative silence, with each respective group chatting quietly among themselves, and im reminded once again of how i probably won't be able to just chat casually with my friends anymore now that this drama is sure to make everyone takes sides, and since I'm the only one not in college with the rest of them i almost certainly already drew the short straw without even knowing we were playing.

A deep groaning rumble starts to shake the ground and our group immediately quiets down as we all turn to face where it sounded like it came from, that is to say The Woods direction. Something that sounds like deep, deep howling starts, and it takes a moment for me to realize its the giant dogs that were pulling Danes cart. One of Danes men stands and runs to the dogs as many of the villagers do the same, but in the opposite direction, toward the rumble.

“Prepare for retribution! The Wood is sending its requital for todays tresspasses! Be stout pahuvakal, and know no fear!” the normally even spoken Vema shouts as the men and women of the village scramble about, most straight to the rumble area, and some throughout the village. Aside from the few of us in this circle everyone runs with purpose.

“Merchant Dane, Young Man Vasco, i suggest you wait by your Carriage while we take on this assault. I apologize for this incident, and hope it won't affect our mutually beneficial relationship we’ve courted until now.”

Dane responds but I’m unsure of what he says, I think it was an affirmative response though, and he and his men move toward his carriage while Vema, Nunu, and Cha go the other way. I remember my truck is parked where the rumble came from, and make my way over to it. I hear Dane shout something at me, not teasing this time, but urgency in his voice, I ignore him and start into a jog to get to my vehicle faster. As I pass the village trio Nunu also starts shouting at me ‘Vacoo its dangerous, you’ve already proven yourself, we are prepared for The Woods wraith’ and so on but I don't really care what he's saying, my truck aint falling in a sinkhole, no fucking way.

As I run up to the edge of the village i see the villagers lined up in greeting again, though they’re outside the village this time, about a quarter way between the village and the forest. also, this time they’re tense, they have a very different mood about them, where they had relaxed caution when I came here, and faint excitement for when Dane stopped in, now they seem serious, like when a fireman gets a call on an emergency, all these people ready for an emergency. I notice there’s no sinkhole nearby and while relieved my car didn't get swallowed by the very earth it sat i can't help but also feel curious about what's got these previously calm and easygoing people so tense, so I walk my way over to their lines. On the way I see the women aren't carrying fruit this time, but either rocks or arrows. All the men's weapons are drawn and the people carrying sticks hold them with their arm cocked back, one stick held firmly in the palm, and one held by one finger above the knuckles holding the stick in the palm, and it occurs to me they use leverage from the stick in the palm to launch the other. Ingenious, just frickin cool, just chuck the fuckin arrow with another stick, hell yea.

While i was thinking about whether or not to ask Vema or Nunu if i could bum an arrow chucker before i go, something breaks the forests treeline.

Somethings actually, about 15 somethings. From here they look somewhat like beetles with sizes from golden retriever to one of those little electric toy cars kids can ride in, and all of them are making a beeline straight here to the village, in the corner of my eye I see the slowest of the mondo sheep scampering away from the forest and making a distinctly un sheeplike sound; like a ‘roo roo’ noise. It takes a comical amount of time watching the bug like things scamper across the field but soon enough they get within range of the arrow chuckers, who waste no time before flinging arrow after arrow at the B.O.U.S.’s. The thing about it is, there aren’t a lot of arrow chuckers, maybe five, and while they are doing an admirable job throwing as fast as they can, which is a considerable amount, they miss quite often, and when they do hit it looks like the arrows just bounce right off. I see a couple of the bug things with arrows stuck in 'em, but they dont seem quite bothered. About 50 meters away now and closing, and I decide even if I'm not supposed to help out, its a lot safer to blast something that's charging you with a shotgun then it is to stab it with a spear.

I unsling Freya and pull her stock to my shoulder, then line the bead on the end of my barrel at the closest beetle thing. Then I shout, "Oh my God! They're coming right for us!" For legal reasons and squeeze the trigger, eliciting a thunderclap and the familiar shove of recoil.

The back half of the beetle disintegrates like the bottles I was shooting last night, and it hits the ground, creating a bur a foot behind where the momentum ends and the corpse rests still. A loud continuous clicking starts from the other beetles as I rack Freya, loading another shell in the breech, and line up the next shot. When I fired the first round the villagers next to me jumped in surprise, but overall they kept calm and continued either leveling spears at the incoming threat, or chucking arrows, which were now hitting pretty accurately and causing noticeable damage to the beetles struck multiple times. As for the beetles, while obviously pissed one of their own kicked it, they stay the same pace, and orientation while charging, aside the injured ones, who were running slower than the others.

Sighting the next closest uninjured beetle, once again I squeeze, this time the beetle drops with no disintegration. Now the beetles are what I'd call close, maybe half the distance when I opened fire. The women holding rocks start pelting the beetles, and I see cracks on the majority of shells that get hit, almost all the beetles now either are cracked or have arrows stuck in them. Them chicks really have and arm huh? A few of the heavily injured ones slow to a crawl or keel over outright, but I notice if they are alive, they still keep clicking until the life bleeds out of them.

I decide I don't need to be so certain of my shots anymore as I once again rack the slide and shoulder Freya. I fire three rounds near as fast as I can chamber cartridges firing almost entirely on instinct and somehow manage to at least down four of them, if not outright turn them into gore confetti like some kind of horror B movie’s special effects. The last shell really did devastating damage for some reason.

Between my efforts and the villagers, only five beetles remain relatively uninjured, but now we are in their range too. Two beetles continue the charge on the villagers, and three move to gang up on me, my manly charms prove too alluring i guess, or the fact I neutralized more than the other 30 people defending combined. It doesn't matter, they may be close but all it takes for me to stop them is a pump from my forearm, and a squeeze of a finger, which i do once more, the kick from the recoil much firmer than the previous shots, but still manageable, the projectile popping the lead beetle like a balloon, and severing the left forelegs of the beetle behind it, as well as spewing black sludge in all directions, all that's left is the top of the carapace a foot or so away from where it got hit, with ‘meat’ chunks dangling from the inside of it like beef hanging in a slaughterhouse. The newly made cripple crashes into the ground, but promptly starts clamoring around, while trying to get its bearings with its missing limbs. As that happens the one trailing scampers past its comrad, still dead set on… i don't know impaling me or something, maybe nibbling on my ankles, and he makes it within five meters. I rack Freya and level her business end at the last Herbie, then i squeeze.

Click.

Oh shit.

Empy? Short stroke? Rack it again? Run away?

The beetle splits and doubles in size. The beetle has wings. An icy chill blossoms from my lower back, and works its way through my limbs and up my spine. I fucking hate when bugs have wings.

The beetle zooms at me, and I remember a time years ago in elementary school when the gym teacher participated in a game of dodgeball, but for the other team. Haha a kid named Jake had to go to the nurse that day, since he got a bloody nose when another kid named Zackery pegged him in the face. My memory is really fuzzy thinking about something so long ago, but I don't think Mr. Anderson, our gym teacher, actually hit any of the kids when he threw, he only got kids out by catching their throws, but by god when he threw one of those rubber balls he put the fear of god in us, they fucking whistled going by our little heads; god Mr. Anderson was cool.

The beetle didn't whistle flying at me. It fucking clapped at 2,000 beats per minute. Impossibly loud clapping, that seemed like a contestant to challenge if my gun was louder than its wings. The beetle flies almost faster than I can track, and faster than I can react, it crashes into my chest knocking me flat on my ass, and leaving me gasping for air like a fish on a boat deck. Panic sets in as i struggle for breath, all i need is a mouthful to tide me over until I can breath again, but my own body denies me as I start to writhe and gulp in an effort to will oxygen into my lungs. I notice, as my vision starts going black, the beetle landed on its back, but has already almost righted itself.

Then it's over. Just like that, I can breathe again, and for a moment that elation is all i can think of. Then I feel the weight of a Mastiff seized beetle step on my leg and panic threatens to take the reins again as I thrust my left hand on the beetles head in an attempt to keep it from anything truly vital. Damn this thing is strong, and fucking duisgusting. Close ups of bugs in documentries and stuff have always been pretty fucking gross, y’know? But let me tell you, looking one face to face is even worse, lifeless even while moving erratically, its mandibles vibrating, revealing they are the source of the clacking noise, and legs try to strip my own legs of their skin, black in color and a sheen on it like its been polished, its chittan feels like a rock that's just barely pliant, like hard plastic, and the smell, eugh, musky, oily, very unpleasant. The beetle starts inching forward to my chest, my neck, and suddenly im calm, everything is fine, my chest is in pain and almost certainly bruised, there's some previously unnoticed pain mirrored on the outside of both sets of ribs, new surface scratches travel up my legs by the second, and my arm is still straining behind the force of the giant bug, but for some reason, i may as well be sitting on the couch at home for how unconcerned i am.

I start laughing. Its fucking hilarious. Everything. Ever since i woke up this morning nothing’s felt right. No. The moment that SUV pulled up i've been in a spiral of madness, i dont know whats happening anymore. What chain of events starts with a breakup and ends with me being eaten by one of the world's 15 biggest bugs? How is that a domino effect? This joke is so bad it goes right back to being one of the most hysterical things I've ever experienced in my life. And you know what tops even that?

I have another fucking arm! HAhaHA!

As the creatures mandibles close in on my neck, and the clacking reaches a crescendo, the accompaniment rings out, as three sharp reports. The creature hisses sharply, and promptly slumps dead atop me, pinning me to the ground as I start to feel lukewarm beetle entrails pour onto my hand, and abdomen, and seep into my clothes. Fucking disgusting.

I waste no time shoving and scooting my way out from under the surprisingly heavy corpse, and clamor uneasily to my feet. Looking into my viscerally covered right hand i wonder how hard it's going to be to clean beetle guts off Belle, my trusty Kimber model 1911. Some movement draws my attention and i notice the crippled beetle is still struggling near the corpse of the first of the dead trio. I can fix that.

Walking toward the twitching, writhing, uncoordinated creepy crawly, i get closer in a diagonal line, in case i need to avoid another surprise game of dodgebug. I stop at five meters, and watch. The bug seems more concerned with standing upright than with me, so i get closer. Four meters, three, two, and i hold there. I level Belle, but don't bother with the sights, since it’d be a goddamn disgrace if i missed at this range. I just focus on the beetle squirming around, it's still clacking, but it's erratic, it did open its wings, but it looks more to get proper balance than to try and charge me. it looks just like any other bug partially stepped underfoot, crawling in circles, injured, struggling, suffering, and if i believed stupid animals like this felt anything other than a full stomach and pain, it would probably be in fear for its life.

I was afraid for a minute there.

A hole opens in the beetles thorax and black sludge spurts onto the tan background of the on the ground behind the shrieking bug, then its face spontaneously splatters across the ground in front of it. I walk up to the corpse and poke it a couple times with my boot, then raise my leg and bring it down with as much force as I can muster on the black carapace, and start shouting, every word accompanied by a satisfying crack as i stomp down on the corpse “I. Am. Too. Emotionally. Turbulent. To. Be. Dealing. With. Life. And. Death. Struggles. You. Inconsiderate. Fucking. Insect. Fuck. You. And. The Hole. You Crawled. Out Of.”

Finished stomping for now, i look at my handiwork, and see an unrecognizable… splat. It looks just like any beetle when someone stomps on em, but a lot more… visceral. Great, now i have to clean my boots too. Fucking disgusting.

After a moment of gazing at my handiwork, I notice im sourrounded. The villagers stand around me, in the same relaxed posture they usually have, but no smiles, everyone i've seen until now is here, watching me. Villagers, Vema, Cha, Nunu, Dane and his men. It's a little uncomfortable knowing all these people probably just saw me have a bit of a mental snap, but there's nothing to be done about it, it's just the adrenaline. Just the adrenaline. Whew. Zen.

Standing there, covered in bug guts, and cold sweat, my whole front aching from cuts or bruises, surrounded by a group of people I don't know, I can't help but chuckle and say, “Sorry, I just had a bad breakup, you know how it goes... Hey, uh, any of you know a good drycleaner? Haha, just kidding, I’m burning these.”