This is nice.

Smell of pine, fire crackling, dogs roasted, buzz going, and not another person for miles.

I think most people would be spooked camping out by themselves, especially far out in the woods like i am, and sure, the first few trips out by myself I may have been a little spooked, but now the solitude is comforting: zen. A nice reprieve from the daily grind. A good opportunity to clear my head.

Of course, the plan was to involve a few more people on this trip, my friends, girlfriend, sister, but emergencies came up, other plans cropped up, straight up, “not going man.” from people I thought cared about me. Fair weather friends, apparently. Liars. People i thought i could trust, thought i knew. Shows a lot about me huh? The man who surrounds himself with caricatures, can't even tell who gives a damn about him and who’s a two faced cuN---...

Whew. Zen...

Zen…

Whew.

Looking at my feet i see the beer i’ve been sipping on for the last short while, almost empty. My left hand moves to bring the drink to my lips, and my right grips tighter around the wooden handle of Freya. Satisfied i can’t get a single drop more from the glass container, I toss the bottle high, high into the air, pull Freya close, and track the flight of the bottle with my eyes.

BOOM, click-clack

The sound, the recoil, the flash stealing my vision: I don't notice. Just the bottle clink on the ground.

“Tipped it.” I mutter to myself.

I'm not surprised i missed, it’s practically pitch black outside the crackling fire im sitting in front of. It’s a new moon, and the canopy im sitting under is decidedly thicc, so it’s even hard the see the milky way, and constellations from where im sitting. It’s okay though, stargazing is nice and all, but it's more a happy time hobby, not a self pity hobby. Well, thinking about it there are a lot of movies that would disagree with me, ‘our hero gazes up into the cosmos and ponders on their mistakes, faults and problems, and wonders, with how small they are, does it really matter?’ naw, that aint me. I'm more a ‘shits fucked so im gonna blow up bottles with a 12 gauge’ type of guy.

I’d like to vent a bit though, y’know? Talk a little. But just me and the bugs here. Assholes.

Zen.

No, im probably just being hard on my friends, i mean who wants to spend a week in the middle of nowhere with a guy who's about to find out his girlfriend, is not only cheating, but also wants the boyfriend and insignificant other to become friends on the trip. I mean what the fuck kind of person does that. Is that how people see me? Someone who’s okay with being some cuckolded bitch? That's the impression I give? And, what the hell, am i blind? Has she always been like this? Did she give hints of this? Did my “friends” know? I feel sick.

One more beer.

And I can't hold a grudge against my sister, she actually had an emergency, or, her version of one anyway, what was it? Something like “boss forgot how to tie his shoes, and wanted a pb and j.” and im sure she would have come on the trip if she knew what was happening, hell I didn't even know what was happening until Mia pulled up in that guys car, no that fuckboys moms SUV. a Honda Pilot? Thats a mom car. He-bitch drives his moms car, dopey-eyed, brick headed, steve-from-minecraft-looking motherfucker. Probably vapes and listens to mumble rap, the basic mmmfffrrm. Whew.

Zen.

Chug.

Pull.

BOOM. A rainfall of glass showers a small patch of forest, and a small grin slips on my face, for just a moment.

Is it just me or does this forest sound like tinnitus?... click-clack

I knew something was wrong once everyone, all at once cancelled last minute. All within the span of a half-hour, starting an hour before we were going to head out. Then Mia pulls up in a car i’ve never seen, ‘I didn't pass middle school math’ hops out and it just took a nosedive from there.

I think I handled it pretty well. Shouting, yelling, screaming, I threw a plate of nachos across my sisters front yard, but, i didn't hit anyone or shoot them, even though I was really, really tempted. “Chill out man,” he says, “chill out.” He says to chill? Him? In that situation? I need to ch-

BOOM, click-clack

BOOM, click-clack

BOOM, click-clack

Click-clack click, click-clack click, click-clack

Click

Someone’s yelling. Their yelling their throat hoarse. They’re close.

I'm the only person for miles.

Ever shoot a campfire? Its a dumb idea, and a good way to start a forest fire. Shrapnel and dust and smoke get everywhere. Thats why. That's the reason, just dust and shrapnel got in my eyes, just dust and smoke and wood bits. Im fine. Im Zen.

I sit for awhile, live in the moment, the moment that seemingly stretches for hours and feels, still and cold and silent as an arctic winter. I listen: nothing, no sounds at all save for wheezy breathing and sniffles here and there, no crackling, no bugs, no birds; its deafening. The heat from the fire, snuffed out in my tantrum, leaves me shivering despite the mild midsummer night air wrapped around me like a swaddled babe. I look up, the night sky shows through in countless spots despite the treetops trying so hard to be a perfect ceiling. I look down, black, save for the embers scattered across the ground, almost mirroring the stars above.

I sit for awhile longer, and decide that's enough melodrama, I don't expect to just get over her, three years feels like a long time for a 19 year-old, and it hurts. It feels like someone dropped a boulder on my gut, but rationally, I know, there's nothing to be done here, except move on, “the potatoes are mashed” my sister would say. I won't forgive what she's done and she can't make it up to me so that's it, all there is to it. It's not like i'm at fault here right? I'm not the one who cheated, i was devoted, and true, and…

Zen. no use thinking about it, at least for today.

I stand up and stamp out all the embers i can see, then turn on my headlamp and pour water in and around the firepit, take a long piss, grab Freya and crawl into my mesh tent.

I think I'll go fishing tomorrow...