Quinns was sure that, if he could feel anything, his whole body would ache. Instead, the embarrassment of Gary appearing to see the whole mess made him want to sink into the floor. But Gary didn’t say anything. The heavy silence between them drove Quinns to speak first.

“So…” He lifted his right hand forgetting it was currently a drill chuck. “Remember when I said I would talk to you if the work got overwhelming…”

“I remember.” Gary didn’t take it lightly. Not even a hint of teasing about the conversation being only a few hours old. Gary was going to take the matter to heart. Quinns let out a breath. He would have to take it seriously, too.

“Well, it got overwhelming.” He said. His limbs had gone numb. Moving would be a monumental task. Breathing took so much of his energy. Gary looked at him out of the side of his eyes. This was a sign he was about to say something he thought inappropriate for a captain.

“So, we’re not going to wave it off this time, huh?” He said, eyebrows raised. A laugh escaped Quinns so quick he coughed.

“No, not this time.” He said.

“Finding you support is already the priority. Finding someone who is both qualified and interested is proving difficult.” Gary said. There was that disappointment in his voice again. Quinns got the impression it aimed inward. Had it always been that way?

“It’s not that,” Quinns paused, “At least not entirely.” He stared at the fuel injector as he spoke. “Every issue I can’t fix is another bill, every mistake another step closer to Heli’s ultimate failure.” Quinns’ voice built as he spoke.

“She isn’t -”

“Makes me think, what am I even doing here? If this were any other ship, I wouldn’t know how to do any of it. I’d be at the lowest rung.”

“It’s not any other ship.”

“My to-do list never shrinks. It keeps growing. And now this plumbing thing. I need to do all kinds of research before I can even touch it.” With every declaration, Quinns felt a little lighter.

“Don’t worry about the plumbing issue.” He said. A spark of anger shot through Quinns, and his left hand tightened. His heart raced.

“I said, we can’t solve everything by paying for it. We can’t. We’re already paying for the broken fuel efficiency, the aging systems. Only the essential repairs ever get done.” He said it and the meaning of it struck him only after the words escaped. It was expensive to be poor. Quinns eyes drifted back to the floor. The quiet soothed his anger, and without it, the fear was back. “What if I fail one too many times? I just go home with maybe a setback in school, but you, Gary…”

“That’s not -”

“You’d be back at square one – begging your grandparents just to keep Heli in storage.” He spoke faster, dread filling his chest. “A stupid dream they can dangle over you, keeping you on the hook for their every whim. I don’t wanna see that again.” He said. Gary was quiet. Waiting, listening. Quinns leaned back against the wall, slipping down a little farther. “Sometimes, it feels like this whole thing – running a ship, freelancing – is some irresponsible pipe dream.” The words made his chest hurt the moment they left his mouth. His throat was too dry to continue. He swallowed trying to get his voice back. Gary waited another moment before he spoke up.

“May I say something?” He said. His annoyance was restrained. Yet another reason he was the captain.

“Yeah, sorry,” Quinns muttered. With everything off his chest, he could feel the floor beneath his feet once again. It dragged him down, but it was there.

“You aren’t alone, Quinns. Do the things you can do, and keep learning. For anything that gives you trouble, there is help. Trust me when I tell you not to worry about an issue. Trust the crew we’re building to help. It will work out. I promise.” Gary’s tone was confident and soothing. Quinns rubbed each of his eyes with his left hand and nodded. He tried to resist, he needed to be a realist – ready for everything that could go wrong.

“You think so?” Quinns let out a breath somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. His resistance was failing and with it the anxiety that was driving him forward. “You’re depending on me, and I… I don’t want to let you down.” He said. Gareth looked him over before letting his eyes drift over the injector.

“I do depend on you. You work hard and you care about this ship. We made a promise, right?” Gary said.

“To bring Heli back.”

“And we’re doing that. But it will take time – don’t kill yourself at the start. This is an endurance run. You need to take care of yourself. You’re the only real family I have left.” A small smile touched his lips, but the look in his eyes was distant and wistful.

Quinns could imagine what Gary was seeing. He wouldn’t argue the family thing this time, but he struggled to think of something to say. He missed his chance.

”Come on.” Gary stood up and held out his right hand. “You need to eat-”

“I had one of the rations.” Quinns looked at the offered hand with half-lidded eyes before reaching for it.

“Some real food, Quinns. And get some sleep.” Gary pulled him to his feet and steadied him. “I’m serious, when was the last time you ate?” He asked, guiding Quinns forward to lead the way. Gary followed, keeping an eye on him.

“I had breakfast in the morning hours,” Quinns said, using up his remaining indignation.

“So, an entire cycle.”

“What?” Quinns’ eyes widened, “No way.” Gary held out the clock on his PD for Quinns to see. One am, the first morning hour of a new cycle.

“Why am I not surprised,” Gary began before his foot hit one of the scattered items. It skittered away catching their attention. It was one of the sealed oil canisters.

“Oh, reminds me of the ones Cole always got,” Gary said.

“Cause it is the one Cole always got,” Quinns said. Gareth picked it up to get a better look.

“Oh yeah, it’s the same guy on the label. He’s missing that giant green fish.”

“Wait… What do you mean?” Quinns frowned, staring at the label.

“The ones he got always had that fish with the smug grin,” Gary said.

“A smug fish?” Quinns’ brow pinched together. There was something about what Gary said that bothered him. Something important. He closed his eyes, but instead of clarity, exhaustion washed over him. Gary must have noticed.

“It’s likely an old design. Anyway, it’s break time, you workaholic.” Gary was trying to guide him out of the room again. Quinns stomach growled so viciously, it hurt. He felt a little sheepish.

“So… what’d I miss for dinner?” He asked.

When Quinns and Gary entered the lounge, they heard banging from the kitchen. Serge emerged, saw Quinns, and rolled his eyes. With a quick turn, he disappeared back into the kitchen. Quinns glanced at Gary for an explanation, but Gary shrugged and sat down at the bar.

“Maybe he doesn’t like midnight snackers…” Quinns muttered as he followed. Gary’s eyebrow raised, but his tone was matter-of-fact.

“Maybe. We’ll have a look once he is finished.” There was more on Gary’s mind, but whatever it was, he kept it to himself. Quinns thought about how to ask as he pushed up into the tall bar seat.