Consultation 64.

“God, how do I send my kids to space?”

My mouth opened wide as I yawned and struggled to keep my eyes open when I heard the question.

“You want a method to send your kids to space? That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you even want to do that?”

“They’re annoying little brats and I’d like to get rid of them. I can’t stand living on the same planet as those cursed creatures I’m forced to call my kids. I tried to dump the little buggers onto a spaceship through our country’s space program, but they were turned away due to their young age.”

“I see. Did you want them rare, medium rare, well done, or burnt?”

“Definitely burnt. To a crisp if possible.”

“Then, if you can’t get them onto a rocket ship through your country’s space program, you can always just build a powerful two-mile-long electromagnetic railgun and launch them straight up into the atmosphere inside a shoddy, poorly designed metallic pod without a shred of insulation. They’ll be cooked and burnt to a crisp in no time as the pod is shredded to pieces as it is propelled at high speed into the atmosphere. Their ashes will be scattered into space never to be seen again.”

“You’re sure that will work, God?”

“Of course, who do you think I am? I wouldn’t suggest it if it wouldn’t work.”

“But there isn’t much heat generated when ascending compared to descending, right? How can I ensure they will be burnt to a crisp?”

“What do you think the point of using a poorly insulated pod with a railgun is? It’s obviously because they’ll be burnt to a crisp when being launched in the railgun, not the ascent. Even if they don’t completely burn up from the rail gun, in the event they don’t reach escape velocity, they will burn up during the descent either way.”

“What if their body somehow doesn’t get burnt up from the railgun and they do reach escape velocity?”

“Well, in the improbable chance they survive even up to that point, just equip them with shoddy space suits. When they enter outer space and their spacesuits aren’t pressurized, their blood will boil and instantly vaporize due to the low-pressure environment while their lungs will explode. They’d face a death far worse and wish they had been burnt to a crisp instead. If you’re still not satisfied by that and want to make 100% certain they are burnt to a crisp, when you launch them, just aim for the sun. In all likelihood, one day, their frozen corpse floating through space will be sucked up under the influence of the Sun’s gravity and turn to ash.”

“Are you satisfied yet?”

“I do rather like the possibility of their blood boiling and lungs exploding. Maybe once those brats feel that sort of pain they will understand how their mother feels about them every day.”

“What exactly did your kids do to make you so annoyed?”

“They made me change their shitty diapers for 4 years of my life and they paid me back by becoming TikTok influencers. Can you even imagine my pain as a mother?”

“ I see... I see... you have my condolences.” I somehow couldn’t find it in myself to try and change her mind. Her reasons were actually quite justified compared to my other clients.

“Thank you, God. I’ll ensure those shitty little brats twerk their way not just out the door, but right out the atmosphere while they’re at it. I’ll be certain to post the video to TikTok for their fans to enjoy their final moments alive “