Consultation 59.

“God, how does one commit Sudoku?” Ugh, not her.

“This time you want to commit Sudoku…”

“Yes.”

“When you say you want to commit Sudoku, can you please elaborate a bit?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by elaborating on it. It’s exactly what I mean. Surely you’re someone who can understand me best.”

“You didn’t mean seppuku?”

“No, Sudoku.”

“Sudoku, as in the number puzzle, Sudoku?”

“Yeah.”

“Haaaaaah.”

“Is there something wrong with my request, God?”

“No… it’s nothing. Look, if you want to commit Sudoku, you’ll need to first generate an uncompleted Sudoku puzzle to solve.” There was no point trying to convince her otherwise, I was all too familiar with this client’s peculiar taste in art.

“Oh, and then what?”

“Once you’ve got that Sudoku puzzle, you can set up a Sudoku themed game...”

“Stop teasing me and get to the point.”

“You will need to gather many children ages one through nine. You will create eighty-one sealed rooms and trap nine children inside each room. Each child’s age will represent one of the nine numbers that can fill in a cell in the Sudoku puzzle. On the ceiling will be the overall Sudoku puzzle filled in with enough numbers to solve it and the box they are in will be highlighted. From there, you will tell them…” I hesitated to explain any further than that.

“What? What will I tell them?”

“Are you sure you want to know?” I really don’t know why I bothered to ask when I said I wouldn’t.

“Of course I do. That’s the whole reason I booked this consultation with you.”

“You will tell them if they want to live, one of them will have to commit suicide to save the others.”

“... what’s next, God?” She wasn’t deterred or appalled at all by the suggestion I made, in fact, she was more than eager to hear it.

“But there will be a catch, they are not deciding among themselves who is willing to commit suicide, they are picking out the correct person to commit suicide. If they get it wrong, they will need to keep trying until they get it correct. Only when the child corresponding to the correct number for the cell they are in commits suicide will the remaining children in the cell be permitted to leave alive. If they try to kill each other rather than convincing the person to commit suicide on their own, mustard gas will be released into their cell and everyone inside dies all in one go. A new batch of kids will replace them should that be the case.”

“You will explain this to them when explaining what they need to do to escape to deter them from trying to kill each other. Though there will naturally be some kids who try to rebel, in that case, you can make an example out of them to the next group of kids.”

“I see. I see.”

“Inside the room, there will be a hole where the person who is committing suicide will jump in of their own accord to their death. If it’s a stupid toddler, the older kids can lure them into the hole with a toy or something, that won’t be counted as them killing each other. The ones old enough to comprehend what suicide entails will thoughtlessly try to lie, trick, and deceive others in the name of survival. They will turn against each other, clawing at each other’s necks while attacking each other verbally.”

An evil grin formed on her face. The more she heard the greater her excitement grew.

“And do you think these kids will be able to actually solve the Sudoku puzzle and realize which one of them actually needs to die? With how young they are, would they even know how to solve a Sudoku puzzle or know what it is? The only explicit hint they will have in the room is the Sudoku puzzle on the ceiling overhead, but you will not mention it to them initially. Only after the first death, if they haven’t noticed it will you direct their attention toward it. How does it sound so far?”

“Not bad at all. I can already imagine their tiny faces filled with despair when they realize the person they forced into suicide was the incorrect one. There will even be those forced to listen to the youngest among them cry out in starvation as they hesitate over the next target to bully into suicide. It would also be pretty great if some of them don’t look their age so they can lie about their age to the others in the group. It would turn into quite the psychological death game amongst little children. They would surely be scarred for the rest of their lives even if they survive through this ordeal.”

“There’s even the possibility they make the incorrect choice on who dies over and over again until only one remains. In that case, all their lives would be lost in vain. Would that not be true despair for the last one standing? To add insult to injury, after the last person loses all hope and finally jumps into the hole to their death, the door will finally open only for there to be no one left to escape. God, this is excellent. This is committing Sudoku to the highest degree. I can’t even begin to imagine how satisfying it will feel to commit Sudoku in this fashion. This is brilliant, too brilliant.”

“Good, so can you please leave now.”

“Right away, God. I wouldn’t want to waste the time of a great man like you. I’ve got to get to work immediately on this project. I’ve never tackled something of this scale before.”

Haaaah. Hopefully this keeps her preoccupied longer than the last art piece she worked on so I don’t have to see her any time soon. I felt bad for the poor kids, but sometimes sacrifices had to be made in the name of keeping these crazy bitches away from me for as long as possible. Don’t blame me, just blame your bad luck that you came across her and were unfortunate enough to be abducted by this scary lady with atrocious taste in art.