Consultation 53.

“God, I have a very urgent problem.”

“Oh, and what may that problem be?”

“Well, you see, for a long time now I’ve come to a certain realization.”

“What exactly is that realization?”

“It’s something that so many humans have been mistaken about for far too long.”

“... okay… and what might that be?” I had a bad feeling.

“God… the Earth is flat. How do I make all those brain dead idiots not wearing their tin foil hats out there understand that?”

“... by any chance were you dropped on your head as a child?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“I see.” There was no point in trying to convince her otherwise. Once their mind was set, there was no reasoning with them. Even if God himself told them it was a spherically shaped ball they wouldn’t believe it. They’d think God was conspiring against them to hide the truth. That was how strong their belief was. It far surpassed any sort of religion.

“What’s wrong, God?”

“Uh, nothing. I was just so shocked that you found out that the Earth was… flat. Wow… I’m honestly so surprised,” I said with a voice so dead and monotone you’d think I’d just witnessed the end of the world.

“That’s right, I’m a super genius. Everybody says I’ll win a Nobel prize one day.”

“Ah, yeah, I can totally believe that. You’re real special, even among humans alright.” So special I hope you don’t reproduce to prevent your specialness from blessing the next generation.

“So, God? How do I open everyone’s eyes?”

I’d sure like to know that as well. What sort of thing could possibly make others believe the profound theory of the Earth being flat?

“Uh, how about this instead? You want a refund? We can just call this meeting here if you’d like.”

“What? No way, money means nothing to me. Nothing will stop my pursuit to spread the word to the blind little lambs living in their bubbles. The holy gospel of Flat Earth must propagate to the far reaches of the universe.”

“Yeah… sure.” The only one in a bubble is your kind of people. Now, what the hell do I do to deal with this? Hmmm… maybe this sort of approach would work.

“I’d really like to help you, but there’s a big flaw in your theory of the Earth being flat.”

“What! God, you’re not going to dare lie to me like everyone else and say the Earth is round, are you?”

“No, rather than round, it is more correct to say the Earth is a zero dimensional point in space.”

She looked at me with a strange expression and asked, “Are you okay, God? Did you lose your mind? The Earth is flat.”

“I’m dead serious. In reality, it is not only a zero dimensional point, it is a flat plane at the same time.”

Her eyes opened wide as she sought out confirmation of my words, “What do you mean it is both a zero dimensional point and flat plane at the same time?”

It was time for me to sprinkle in some irrelevant information to lure her in, “Well, you may think it sounds ridiculous for it to be both, but think about light for a second. It has a dualistic nature when you observe it and don’t observe it, right?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that.”

“Well, when you observe it under certain conditions, it acts as a particle, right?”

“Yeah, and?”

“When you don’t observe it under the same conditions, it acts as a wave.”

Something seemingly clicked a little in her head. Yes, I wasn’t going to deny her beliefs or try to futilely correct them. Rather, I was going to force her to gradually modify and add onto them by suggesting something even wilder.

“You can think of a wave as a rippling plane. Thus, when you do not observe the Earth, it is flat.”

“However, when you do observe it, it becomes a point in space. But a problem immediately arises. It’s not actually possible for an observer to exist on a simple zero dimensional point in space. This is because if there was supposedly something that could observe things, they wouldn’t be able to see anything when inside that zero dimensional world as there is no dimensionality to begin with. Thus, that zero dimensional point expands to become spherical in nature if an observer does somehow come into existence.”

“How is this possible, you may ask. Well, that is because that point is superimposed with a rippling plane which creates the illusion of a sphere. The illusion is created when the two-dimensional rippling plane splits, it is pinched and pulled in opposite directions from a single point on the top and bottom to form this sphere. This occurs as some particles move one way and other particles the other way.”

“Think of it as though they are negative and positive poles on a magnet. This process is what leads to the formation of the Earth’s magnetic field which wants to pull itself back together, but it can’t so long as it is observed. Similar to light, the act of observation itself keeps this strange plane separated. Thus, in a fashion reminiscent of the holographic principle (holographic universe theory) which unifies the theory of gravity to various theories of particle physics, the universe and world you live in can be seen as a three-dimensional projection whose foundation is that of a two-dimensional plane.”

“In this manner, the Earth can thus be said to be spherical in nature when being observed. But when not observed, it returns to its rippling two-dimensional plane state.”

“This is heresy, God! How can you possibly coin such an insane theory?”

“But you got drawn in by it, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. It sounds absolutely crazy, but somehow I kind of want to believe it.”

“That’s exactly it. That’s exactly how you can spread your gospel to others. Don’t reject their spherical Earth. Embrace it and integrate it into your own theory. Find something that can link the two theories together and allow them to meet halfway. If you do that, you may be able to get others to accept the absurdity of it no matter how insane it sounds.”

“I see. So don’t force it, but try to unite the two theories instead?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you, God. This consultation turned out to be more interesting than I imagined.”

When she left, I took a deep breath and brooded over how I’d just introduced a new even more idiotic theory than the flat Earth one. I mean it sounds kind of cool and all, but I just pulled it out of my ass to get rid of her. I could only hope there weren’t too many suckers that’d fall for this nonsensical dualistic flat-spherical Earth scam I’d unleashed upon the world.