Consultation 42.

“God, how do I get speed wagon to fuck me?”

“You don’t, you fuck the speed wagon, the speed wagon don’t fuck you.” I disinterestedly spat out with a thick Russian accent.

“God, please take this seriously, if I could fuck the speed wagon don’t you think I would have already done that? It’s because I can’t fuck it that I need the speed wagon to fuck me.”

I nodded with a profound look of bullshittery on my face. “I see. I see.” I really didn’t though. I saw not the slightest thing.

What the hell am I supposed to tell this woman? How to get a speed wagon to fuck you? I don’t know. I’m great at coming up with methods for people to fuck others, hell even the universe was pretty easy. But getting a speed wagon to fuck you, fuck if I know. I’m not a speed wagon. I don’t know what makes a speed wagon want to fuck.

How the hell does one actually get fucked by a speed wagon? Do they just lay down on the ground spread their legs wide open and have the speed wagon floor it?

Screw it, how about this then?

“The method to get a speed wagon to fuck you is to attach a dildo upright on the hood. You can then squat down on top of it. From there you will have the speed wagon drift around all over the place constantly changing directions. Like this, you can be ruthlessly fucked however the speed wagon desires.”

“Well… I guess that sort of works, but I’m not fully satisfied. If I’m being quite frank, I want the dick-shaped body of the full-sized speed wagon to ram itself into my body.”

“Unless you can find a potion that turns you into a giantess… there’s really only one way to accomplish this. But it will require you to die. Are you fine with this?”

“Of course! Now you’re speaking my language god. No more of that pussy shit where I’m not fucked to death. It’s always been a dream of mine to be fucked to death by a strong speed wagon.”

“Oh… is it now? Well, whatever I guess. It’s your life, you’re free to die however you please. Anyway, you’ll first need to tie your limbs up with a rope then tie the opposite ends of the rope to the entrance of a tunnel. You need to make sure they are secured very tight to prevent your body from bobbing up and down or from side to side.”

“Your body will be suspended in the air with your belly up in a lying down position. You need very fine precision to accomplish your objective from here. Attach a sturdy metal cone-shaped object to the front of the speed wagon. Once you’ve prepared these things, all you need to do is spread your legs wide open in line with the speed wagon and let it approach you from a distance so it can ram into you at its top speed. Remember, you need to ensure the pointed end of the cone lines up perfectly with that gaping hole of yours that you’ll hold open with your hands.”

“When the speed wagon comes into contact with you, your body will be ripped open, climax, and explode into a gory bukakke all over the speed wagon.”

When she heard she’d explode her legs trembled. It wasn’t from fear though, the flushed expression on her face was enough to attest to that fact.

“How is it? Are you satisfied now?”

“Yes, it truly sounds delightful, God. I can’t wait to explode and have my death certificate say fucked to death by a horny speed wagon.”

“Haaaaah. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.” If it exists, humans will want to find a way to fuck it or be fucked by it. It’s like humans won’t be satisfied until everything in the known universe comes into contact with their reproductive organs. I sometimes question whether humans even remember that there’s a proper use for those things.

Reproductive organs were honestly a mistake.