Sometimes you just need to drift inside the oceans. Let yourself drown and see those ugly monsters. No one's happy without feeling sorrow. It's just breaking through your first bubble.

Remembering the surface creates wrong currents, as the surrounding darkness absorbs all hope. Don't resist, just let go. You are under the deeps, you need support.

You are broken yet you are whole, no one smiles without weeping once before. A tree needs dark soil to rise towards the sunny abode.

Spoiler: Spoiler

Explanatory Infodump. Because without infodumps you think like the character. With infodumps you think for yourself. Infodumps shouldn't be discriminated. Evading them means evading barriers. You need sadness and barriers to rise.

No one knows how much can your heart hold. In those moments you create a bubble or barrier to isolate yourself. You evade the situation, you delay or erase the memories.

You start accumulating emotions anxiousness about your future, your despair...

Then the bubble breaks and there is nothing holding things back. You just need to let go of the sorrow, but at the same time understand it. You drift in a rollercoaster of emotions. In the depths of your mind, the colorful light of happiness is absorbed by the black abyss. Remembering when you were happy makes you hold more to that, so much that you may drown. Sadness can become depression. And believe me, depresion is not cured by a pat, it is a true pithole. You try to breath but only black water enters your mouth. It feels terrible, you need support in those moments.

Babies cry a lot. They cry when born and smile socially at 2 months. They need to cry because crying is the foundation towards happiness. Balance is everywhere, it's a rule of the universe to have duality in most things... I want to add a harder concept here but can't... Stop your paws... No spoil... I am at breakdown trying to write this before I spoil it.

Gamer explanation:

You got disconnected and only your team can save you. You need support. You hope you are still alive by the moment you reconnect. You curse at the bastards for leaving you with only 1 point of HP. You let go of everything in a suicidal attempt, you try to survive and win your game.

Everyone is different and reacts in different ways; because of that, there is no perfect way to survive. The path is different for everyone, but something is a must. You will need hope, resolve and support. Things that a mighty raccoon throw can give to your soul.

Part 1: Breaking the bubble.

The pediatrician and the kid arrived towards a room in the Oncology area. It was room 9-08. An oncologist received them and explained the current situation to the pediatrician. It was some sort of courtesy between people in the same job. Like the connections between the selling area and logistics area in a company.

The kid remained seated in the wheelchair with an indifferent face. His face covered in bandages looking like a mummy. The pediatrician continued and entered the room pushing his chair.

“The parent-child bond is perhaps the most fundamental of all the human links. When one of your parents dies you are uncertain about the future. In response to this loss, you may feel a multitude of strong emotions.” The pediatrician muttered while entering.

“…” He remained still without much change in expressions.

“Numbness, relief, confusion, fear, guilt, and anger are just a few of the feelings you may have. Sometimes many emotions will follow each other or they may occur simultaneously in a short time.” The pediatrician continued.

“…” No response came as expected.

“Little guy, I don’t know what you are feeling but… I hope you can get better… You have too much time in front of you.” The pediatrician spoke towards him with optimism. They finally entered and could see the interior of the room.

There was a girl in a bed inside the room. She didn’t have hair as she was receiving chemotherapy. The brown skin contrasted with the white sheets and walls. Her expression was silent as she remained with closed eyes and a little smiling expression. It was a strange encounter for the kid. He never saw someone in such a condition before.

“Hello there!” The girl opened her eyes and looked at him expectantly.

“…” The kid looked but didn’t move his lips.

“Hey! Little guy, you should at least say something when meeting someone…” The pediatrician made a pout towards him, it looked strange for her age.

“Is he the guy you said needed my help?” The little girl moved and went off the bed. She pulled a stand with three dip bags. She was pulling it slowly and looked at the little kid in the chair.

“He is, I’ll leave him to you… If he does anything shout, kay?” The pediatrician seemed to know the little girl and hugged her before leaving. She also added something to the kid. “Little guy, don’t you dare to harm her in any way… treat her as you would your mom.”

"..." He paused staring at the pediatrician. He gave a slight nod and saw her go outside the room.

“Hehe! We are alone, wahh!” The girl spun around towards one side and then towards the other. Her IV catheter trapped her and she spun towards the other side. She moved her stand and advanced towards the kid.

“Hey! What do you want to play?” The girl shouted at his face. She looked about 13 years old with black eyes and a lot of freckles. She didn’t have hair or eyebrows, the only captivating qualities were her sparkling eyes, her loud voice, and an exaggerated smile.

“…” The kid looked but this time he seemed to hear her and gave a little glare.

“You don’t understand me?” The girl moved her face to the side and looked at his face again. “Why are you doing a Halloween mummy if we aren’t on that day?”

“I… got… operated…” The kid said with long pauses as if forced to. The little girl didn't leave his vision. She moved and looked at his face every time his eyes or face evaded hers. He couldn't remain silent in that situation.

“Did it hurt?” The little girl asked.

‘What’s with this strange monkey? Mom do you know what this monkey wants? Is there a banana on my face or somewhere?’ The kid thought while looking at his side.

'No my son there is nothing on you. Actually, that monkey looks like a cartoon.' The figure of a woman at his side answered.

“Hey, are you hearing me?!” The girl grabbed his cheeks accidentally slapping them. The loud sound resounded throughout the whole room and inside his mind.

“Ahhhh! What… are you… doing… you monkey!” It was difficult to talk with his face covered in bandages. He also didn’t pronounce words for some time. Still, he found himself able to pronounce them perfectly with a little pause in between.

“Monkey! Why are you calling me a monkey? You… Dino-Nurse!” The girl countered.

“Who else is a bald monkey… Here?!” He affirmed.

“I am not a monkey. I have a name, you know?!” She muttered with haste.

“I… don’t care… Also, a nurse… Isn’t someone bad.” He was starting to get annoyed but found himself able to talk again.

“They are! Especially the dinosaur… T-the big boss nurse is the worse…” The little girl looked gloomily while muttering that.

‘How can a monkey make such expressions?’ The kid thought and expressed his opinion. “Nurses are good, they take care of people, and you are an evil bald monkey.”

“I-I am not a monkey! Then... You are... You are a bad wolf!” The girl grabbed a hold of the first bad guy in his mind.

“Then I am... a Wolf… Wolves are very cool.” The kid affirmed in a low tone.

“…” The girl became anxious and tried to think about how to counter his argument. “You are a dog! A stray dog, without home…”

“…” The kid remained still, but then tears started to fall from his eyes. He stayed still and turned his head from side to side.

The girl looked at the anxious expression of the kid. She thought she spoke some bad words, so she asked him. “Hey… Hmmm… Are you alright?”

“…” The kid continued looking at the room, he didn’t stop crying or moving his eyes and head.

The girl looked at the boy. Since he didn’t answer, there was only one sure approach, something known works the best. She used both hands and slapped his cheeks in an attempt to grab his face. The dressings on his face didn’t allow anyone to see the redness of the skin below… An awaiting surprise for the current surgeon in future surgery.

“Ahhhhh! Skinny monkey! What are you doing?” The kid shouted at the girl.

“You came here to talk to me stupid stray dog! Answer when I talk, don’t you know basic conversations?” The girl shouted over his face.

‘Damn, my ears! What the hell is this ugly monkey doing!’ His eyes were filled with tears and he only saw a Picasso of what seemed to be a hairless monkey. ‘Mom, how did they get such a circus animal inside a hospital?’

“…” The kid remained still and tears started to appear again.

The girl looked at him and then examined her hands. ‘Did I use too much force?’

The boy started to get extremely anxious and started to tremble while trying to stand up from the chair. He wasn’t doing rehabilitation, his muscles were weak and all they made was vibrate. A strange situation he was in, as he couldn’t actually control them. The bigger trouble was that inside his mind he wasn’t taking note of them.

‘Mom? Mom? Where did you go?! Wait, mom... Don’t leave me… You have to stay by my side… Where am I? Where is mom? Where is the window?’ He looked towards the window but it was closed with curtains. The room he was in always left them opened, as he would start to cry or shout when such thing happened.

His hands opened and closed as he tried to grab the air but felt nothing. He felt cold as a multitude of feelings dwelled in his heart. He started trembling as drops of tears slid over the wet dressings that covered his head. His mummy looks and the strange sobbing sounds made the scene for a perfect horror movie.

“Hey!” The girl shouted towards the guy. “Hey! Come on!”

The kid continued crying seated in the chair and shouting the word mom with anxiousness. His searching attempt seemed futile at this point.

“No, no stop crying! Why don’t you stop crying…? I promised to help you!” The girl's face started to become wet with dripping tears as she started crying with him. In the end, she went over and hugged the boy while calling out to him, trying to making him stop.

The sounds of the room weren’t heard outside since they were doing a round over the first rooms on the floor. Everyone was busy and a patient was hearing music at moderate volume as he walked around the area.

Both of the kids spent little time conversing, something even the pediatrician didn’t expect. She expected the kid to need about 15 minutes with the little girl alone. It was something they explained to her; the psychiatrist and oncologist approved.

Experimenting with the overwhelming pressure resurfaced his feelings of losing his mother. Someone who loved him without condition and cared for him as no one else. The pain contained in the bursting needle broke his barrier. The broken damn let everything out in a single crushing blow. The bubble crumbled and the kid started drowning in a cocktail of mixed emotions.

Part 2: Compass Disaster

I knew what was happening, but why did it have to be this way? There is a hole in my reality, something that tries to steal my heart and pull it out of me. I am sad… I can’t see her anymore, hug her, cook for her, or smile at her. I can’t get attention from her anymore. I can’t reach her, because she has disappeared.

When I saw how my mom was in the hospital, when she became terminally ill, I knew there would soon be a morning where I would wake up without her. I have thought of it every day alone in the apartment, but knowing what’s going to happen does not prepare you for that. I tried to make her happy… But she was the one that wanted me to truly smile.

I was tired, people talking about her, but no one expressed real pain. There wasn’t anyone apart from me, that knew how much it hurt. How much I wanted to accompany her… How much I wanted to see her again. Still, the ship I called home, lost its captain. I am alone and I hate loneliness. But I remember how my world crumbled, and how abysmal those waves became…

The kid's mind environment changed. He stood in the middle of a dark space. A smell of burnt food came from the black smoke surrounding him. A long road appeared and he started walking in it. He didn’t understand why, but he just moved one foot and the other. He did it in a zombie-like manner, not caring where this road took him. It was akin to a desert but everything was gray. There wasn’t color visible anywhere inside this dream.

When he advanced to some point the gray shadows outside the road turned into figures. One of those approached his soul-less self and muttered to him something. He didn’t pay attention. Yet another one appeared, this one gripped his core with the sentence mentioned.

"Your mother was a special person. I believe your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you kid. I'm sorry for your loss..." A Physicians's voice sounded inside his mind.

"She isn’t Dead…” He muttered in low voice with denial.

“Kid, your mother loved you. You should believe that too.” Another voice sounded from his side.

“… You are a bad woman, you never liked her, and… She hasn’t left me.” The kid countered and continued walking. He knew that woman. She was smiling while being at the funeral. It was a smile opposite to what he liked. He hated her… How could she defile his mom's parting moments and smile while being full of lies…

The place changed and became a little bit more colorful. Loud voices surrounded him, people in bicycles, dogs and the aroma of food and spices invaded his nose.

“Boy, you should become bigger so that you can help your mom.” A warm voice sounded like a tall man patted his back.

“I will.” The kid answered after feeling the light push. He continued walking until he arrived towards a fancy store. Inside there was an old lady that looked friendly.

“Oh, are you here to buy something for your mom?” The woman asked.

“Yup, I am going to cook her something amazing today. She will smile at my cooking abilities!” The kid exclaimed happily, he could smell the endless possibilities of the recipe he was practicing. His little cheeks flushed as a big smile appeared on his face. The innocence and childish hope in his eyes creating dreamy sparks.

“Hahaha! I am sure she will! I would love it if one of my kids were as obedient as you!" The woman turned around and grabbed something. She should help the lid with his dream, good kids are hard to find these days. "Take this and give her the best meal!” The woman gave him a bag full of food for him to cook his masterpiece.

The kid smiled while carrying the bag, it weighed a lot. He was doing everything he could to carry it. He asked himself ‘Why is this so heavy?’ But then the place changed and it became a huge building. The bag vanished as it turned into a backpack filled with books, the market became a never-ending locker exhibition. He was in front of a door, he entered and saw another woman inside.

The woman looked to be in her forties, she wore a red sweater and a lab coat over. “Hi little boy, how are you doing?” She asked him after making contact with her. There was a smell that invaded the place. It was cinnamon or rum perfumed, its strength was such that you could even taste it.

“I am fine… But my mom couldn’t come… Sorry.” He expressed towards the lady as he sat on the chair in front of her desk. He unpacked something from the bag and took it towards the lady. “I made this for mom, but she left in a hurry. You can have it if you like…”

“Oh my, thank you…” The woman received the wrapped food, she uncovered and found it was a dessert. She smelt it and found where the smell came from.

“It’s called baba, my mom wished for me to make it. I used rum, don’t know if you will…”

“Wow, this looks very good. Thank you, little guy. I was expecting something I would not eat. But I will eat yours believe me…” She smiled and assured the kid.

“I see, thank you for helping me…” The kid murmured in low voice. He felt the chair material envelop himself as it turned into a baby chair. He felt an aroma of milk and a sensation of wet underwear, he lifted his head and looked upwards.

The scenery changed again as a man and a woman appeared in front of him. The man was tall and looked like a businessman in a black suit with a slick haircut. His eyes where those of eagles and he had a messy beard that looked kept with difficulty. The woman was the appearance of her mom when she was younger. In their arms, there was a little kid.

The happy scene quickly changed as the woman left with him from the place, but no discussion was observed. Who knows what happened between them.

They arrived towards a new apartment. Here, the woman started to train him in something he didn’t understand. It was something monotonous to him, he needed to develop as she said. The things she made him do were tiring to the mind and body. Despite that, he persevered and gave an all-out effort to achieve what she wanted.

It felt tiring, a situation of numbness where he needed to continue no matter what. But that fatigue became a resolution towards something he wished. It was the shiny curve of a smile.

He hoped to see the woman care for him, to smile at him, to read him stories. The place he did those things was full of sun rays. The warmth turned wet as unreal ants climbed his skin, secondary to his fatigue and hard work. He disliked cleaning and cooking at first, but it became part of his daily life little by little. He liked the sun because his mom was with him. He also liked the night and awaited its arrival.

“Mom, I love you.” He murmured as he slid into the bedcover. The cold from the room vanished as the bedcover gave him a cozy and secure feeling.

“Me too my dear, I love you the most.” The woman pulled the bedcover and touched the kid’s forehead. Her happiness filled the room with invisible lights, something only he could see. It was the magic that expelled nightmares from his dreams.

At that moment a kiss arrived at his cheek and he felt the soft sensation. Sadly, before feeling it's warmth, the child’s surroundings changed again. He was waiting at the apartment and looking at the window.

The rain outside drummed against the glass window drops sliding down towards the street. The dark clouds in the sky added with the freezing sensation of the coming winter. It made the feeling of loneliness increase from the insides. The time spent waiting was usually cold and dark, as the mother arrived late at night. In the stillness of his reflection could be felt hidden anxiety, one that wouldn’t end till he saw what he wanted.

“Mom, come home quick… please…” He muttered while moving his innocent eyes towards the usual spot in the street. Seeing the people walking or hugging others gave him a bad sensation. He evaded watching the window when the streets were crowded. He was jealous of those that could express the emotions he missed. He looked towards the kitchen table where a book remained.

Another setting appeared but turned foggy afterward. He saw his mom was writing or drawing something. He wanted to look at what she was doing but she smiled and closed her door.

“Mom, why don’t you let me see?” He shouted at the door and pouted. He hated when his mom made those pranks towards him. It should be him making them and making his mom follow him.

“Because it’s a surprise…” The woman's laughter came from inside the room.

“Like birthdays?!” He expressed his happiness towards the door. He could see the little light coming from below the closed door. It carried a musical humming tune.

“Yeah, my little kid, like birthdays. It’s the most important thing that I can give you.” The mother laughed again at the other side of the door. She then continued her humming sound inside the doors.

“Is it sweet?!” He asked again while thinking about his last birthday cake.

“Yeah, it is sweet but something you will have to find.” She answered.

Finally, the day to receive what his mother made came over. She gave him a book, something he started to cherish with expectations.

He touched the book and felt the warmth that came from it. It was something he would treasure. Something his mom said was the best gift for him.

His mom instructed something but didn’t finish. “Here you go. Remember to read it careful-“

The environment spun quickly, the little lights vanished as they turned into a big sign that surrounded him.

The sign pointed at him with some big words. The kid spent so much time making it, but what received him was a flabbergasted van driver. The man looked to the side and made a shake as if he hadn’t seen the “hug me” sign. He should tell the woman about the kid’s preferences in the future.

The embarrassment he felt at the moment was extreme. He felt the blood going towards his head and pulsating as if wanting to explode. The dream transitioned faster evading this event and changing the current setting.

“Where am I?” He murmured in fear. There were people with caps and masks above his head. Flashy lights passed through his vision making him blink continuously. A snake slithered on his right arm and injected burning poison with an evil stare. His vision turned red, adding to the pain and itchiness he felt on his face.

“It hurts! Mom, please help me… I don’t want to be here!” He expressed and shouted but the whole scene seemed to advance till a woman closed his mouth. There was some dense gas that made it hard to breathe. The plastic aroma made him sleep slowly.

He closed his eyes as if dreaming. But he opened them quickly as the place became a room with white walls and a bed. A woman could be seen on the bed, watching the news on a TV. He looked at the fruit in the auxiliary table and decided to give his mom some treat.

“Mom I’ll cut an apple for you…” He went towards the woman’s bed and started slicing an apple in a seat near her.

“Thank you…” The woman smiled. It was strange, but she liked the kid to care for a mother in such conditions, so she couldn’t hide that smile.

The kid felt relieved as she finally smiled but anxious as in the current dream he understood her condition.

“How do you feel mom?” He asked with a gloomy expression.

“I feel fine, but I don’t have much time…” The mom started to reduce her voice’s volume towards the end. Her skin turned dark and she said… “I don’t have much time... But... want to know why?”

“Why,” He asked yet again. He knew what this question meant. Despite that, he couldn't evade this. He felt powerless, weak and helpless. His sour face was filled with snot and tears as he awaited gloomily. Time seemed to stop, the woman stayed still and wasn't answering...

“Why are you dying? What should I do? What comes next? Mom Don’t Leave me! Why did mom have to die? She should feel better after leaving? Why do I feel relief and grief? Why do I feel weak but strong? What is this? What is death? What does it mean being alive? Why doesn’t God help my mom to be with me forever?” He exclaimed as everything turned black. His thoughts trying to answer the hardest questions he was ever exposed to.

Smiling figures appeared surrounding him, they were smiling in a grassy area filled with butterflies and sunshine. Instead, he was in the center of such people. They were talking between each other, and occasionally at him with their curved lips and childish appearances.

It was like seeing two circles. One inside the other. He was in the innermost. It was cold, and it smelt like burning food and blood. There were clouds in the sky and no colors to describe. It was dark, but he could see... He could feel the nasty stares from the smiling children in the warm. He could hear their playful songs and chats.

The figures smiled creepily but still maintained a human appearance. The problem was the knife each of them held. The strange space between the circle zones distorted, as numerous arms stretched defying physics. The vile weapons sneaking towards his face.

The cold blades sliced his body slowly and viciously while blood gushed outwards. It fell creating colorful red puddles in the greyish circle. The irony liquid turned into a disgusting black smoke over time.

It hurt, the pain he felt was too much... The sunny songs made him crazy... The smell of burning blood was nauseating... The happy feeling they had, made him jealous... He screamed... He cried... He felt pain... He feared... He despaired and longed... For help... For the only figure outside the circle that could give him support... But he... His soul... His hope... They were continuously broken into pieces...

The scenery in his mind changed. The broken pieces seemed to rearrange into a patched him. He appeared to be walking in some kind of long road he knew. It was akin to a dessert but everything was the same gray. There were no colors inside this strange place. He turned and saw many shades, including something he expected.

‘Your mother was a special person. I believe your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you kid. I'm sorry for your loss...’ A Physicians' voice sounded inside his mind.

“I don’t need you to tell me, I don’t want to hear that… That never happened!” He cried out in the middle of the gray desert... As he just walked... And advanced... Like a zombie.. followed by the worst killing weapon...

Spoiler: Spoiler

A spoon... A personal spoon... One that gave poison again and again... it's a reference... lol.

Kill me for stopping the good part... I HAD TO... DAMN PUNS! Well, maybe you got to experience happy after sad...

Ok the word above is his 'own shadow'. Which means his dark memories or his own mind.

The scenes were too strong for him to overcome. It was like being on a little boat without direction. He just circled without a compass trying to find some never told pirate treasure. The worse of all was that the treasure was never important, it was the way to get to it what mattered.

Outside the room, the pediatrician arrived and separated the girl and the boy. Both of them seemed tired and out of tears. She only left them for about 5 minutes and didn’t expect so much to happen. She only ate a little breakfast and helped in the visits to the other patients. It took about 20 minutes for her to arrive.

She brought the kid to his room after the oncologist took care of the girl. With the help of a nurse, they grabbed him and laid him inside the bed. He was asleep, they needed to wait and ask what happened there. She left the room but left it half open for them to see if anything occurred. It’s good it was day time since they had a lot of staff checking his vital signs.

The loop inside his mind repeated as he started and repeated. It continued for a small amount of time in the outside world, but his mind was being torn becoming a mess. A loop trying to survive the endless ocean of emotions he was drowning in.

He was at the mercy of the deepest ocean and all it holds within. Drifting around without a destination. Sailing in circles towards the same balanced foundation. It is a place you can’t feel right, somewhere where you roll and roll changing the taken stance. A never comfortable one, as you spend time sideways, upside down, downwards, floating up or sinking below again. You are losing control, but this time you are wide awake.

You are at the mercy of the deepest place, were unknown monsters dwell. You need support, stay alive my friend… For in this place, happiness might never shine again… And… We… Can’t… Never… Forget…What... We... Once... Felt...

Spoiler: Spoiler

Sunflowers need water to grow. Happiness needs sadness to balance the bond.

No human becomes mature or strong out of nowhere. We need to cry and rise to become stronger.

This is a part of life, some strange concept this book is trying to catch. You might not know but the main character is that. No names are shown because only life will show the path.

Being drown in oceans is just the start of dreams. You can't be creative without experiencing diss. Just let go of everything you feel, create the currents of life that make us believe in it.

To believe in life you need... (Unreadable)

Bigger explanation:

Eh... Well... The emotions felt in the worst moments of grief, sadness are a cocktail bomb. The same when a writer receives a 0.5 star review. It's sad.

You feel trapped in a loop of questions...

You feel sad, angry, helpless, guilty, anxious, lonely and frightened. You feel shock, guilt, relief... Many things.

Now imagine yourself in an ocean. You search for the treasure to continue living. Yeah I am talking about one piece. That's the answer. But I am not going to write it, because I already did.

So in your search for the one piece, you will feel all kind of emotions. The trip towards the treasure is what we call life. It loops sometimes when you don't know where to look. It makes you start again if you never finished a goal.

Believe me... Nothing... Nothing is worse than looping infinitely inside a rollercoaster. If you continue you will be trapped, without way out. Still, that's life. Accepting the roller coaster and enjoying the ride. Mmm, sunny go? Happiness? Maybe the guy from one piece was too intelligent, or is he a lucky one like the guy that named beerus? Combining beer and virus... Damn I wanted that name... Now I have to change it to Barrel for my future mc... This sucks... Funny though. That's life. So much emotions and loops. But did you know some loops can be broken?

Welcome again if you read this, you are breaking horizons. You are a dark dweller or a person of culture. I take my raccoon mask off to acknowledge you.

Let's see how the still in long depressing intro kid gets out of this...