Dungeons & Demons V

The oversized and sagging breasts of the goblin [Shaman] swayed hypnotically as she chanted and danced slowly, building up another spell.

I breathed in deeply, preparing myself for stage one of the plan, then just before the [Shaman] cast the spell, I charged.

She fired off the spell when I was still a couple of steps from my target, but thankfully she'd used a [Fireball] this time, and its slower speed wasn't quite fast enough to catch me as I dived behind the nearest hut, scrambling to put the rickety mud walls between me and the floor boss.

“Fuuuck, that was too close!”

Panting, I crawled around the hut, to get line of sight on the overly-endowed goblin woman. I emerged from the other side to find that she had disappeared.

“Shit.”

Movements driven by instinct and honed through years of playing a VR fighting game screamed at me, and I dropped down to my knees, spinning to the left as the goblin's totem wooshed by over my head, the extended wings of the eagle at the top skipping off the shawl that made up the top part of my Garb.

Completing the spin on my knees, I swung my reacquired frying pan into her knees, then retreated once more, before she could recover.

“Argh! Tricksy fwuit, hurt Kertstk, Kertstk hurt yoo! C'me 'ere!”

Fruit? What's the Garb done now?

Unable to spare the time to check, I decided to ignore its antics, and ignore the increasingly irate [Shaman] woman, who was in the midst of chanting another spell, this chant much faster than the last.

I dived into her hut, just in time to escape her attack, from the burst of cold I felt I figured it for an ice-type this time.

Pulling myself to my feet with a groan, I found myself face-to-face with an orc.

A naked orc.

A very naked orc.

A very naked orc with a big-.

*TWANG*

And suddenly it wasn't so big anymore. I winced slightly in sympathy, but that didn't stop me from lifting my frying pan up and smashing it into his stunned face, once, twice, thrice...

He finally stopped twitching around the fifth or sixth blow and I knew I had little time left until the [Shaman] returned.

I surveyed her hut in the hopes of finding something that could help me with my predicament – and on the off-chance she had the Cockatrice's egg. I may have had a plan, but it was more of a hopeful idea than a sure-win, and if I could find something in here that'd be of assistance then I wouldn't hesitate to jump on it.

A quick inspection was all it took for me to realise why the [Shaman] hadn't shown herself earlier, and why she and the orc had both been naked. Honestly, I was kinda surprised I hadn't figured it out sooner. Unfortunately, unless I could make use of some heavily stained sheets or a dead orc then I wouldn't be improving on my previous plan at all.

And when the second [Fireball] smashed into the hut, setting the straw roof ablaze, I knew it was time to leave. And leave I did.

But not through the doorway, where the profanity-spewing [Shaman] awaited me, instead I'd used the few seconds I had spare to smash my way through the wall opposite the door. It was, perhaps unsurprisingly, an easy endeavour.

The goblins hadn't exactly built these things to last.

Coming out of the back door I turned right, hoping to finally catch the wrinkled hoary goblin off guard.

I snuck around in the lee of the hut, though I was still unable to pick up any kind of stealth Skill.

She was turned slightly away from me and was stalking toward the entrance of the hut, probably checking if I'd survived her attacks.

Or perhaps remembering her paramour and going to apologise for trying to burn him alive as well. He'd died long before she'd starting burning the hut down around us, but she didn't know that, too caught up in her battle-lust.

I took a couple of extra steps, getting as close as I could for my upcoming attack. Unfortunately, my Garb decided to do its utmost to give my position away, the hem extended out behind me, and its weight caused me to trip and let out a cry of alarm before I could stifle it.

Maybe the Garb was picking up all my Skills instead? The way it kept catching me unawares was pretty sneaky.

I shuffle-stepped a bit to stay upright, and with any semblance of stealth broken, I struck.

As I did she let off her own spell, without a chant this time.

The results of the twin attacks were devasting, two [Fireball]s flew out and whoomfed into their target, throwing them flying backwards through the air like a ragdoll before skidding along the ground head first on their backs, legs extended far past the position that their natural flexibility would allow. I could tell that twin attack had done over 80% damage.

Thankfully, the [Fireball]s had thrown Kertstk's own attack completely off course, the shard of ice looping over the battlefield to crash down on some unsuspecting goblins head.

The [Fireball]s had, of course, come from [Into The Fire]'s [Scatter-fire] enchantment. I'd wound up the frying pan like I was winding up to hit a backhand winner from when I used to play tennis, and my aim had been as good as I remembered.

Unfortunately, my bad luck had come to the fore, all -496 of it causing only two [Fireball]s to appear, instead of the possible maximum of five.

Even one more would have finished the [Shaman] off.

“Fucking hell,” I growled as I stumbled over to the [Shaman], “just die already!”

I lifted the frying pan up above my head, legs as wide apart as the constricting Garb allowed, prepared to bash down on the prone goblins head like I was preparing to chop a log with an axe, or hammer a fence post into the ground with a mallet.

Before I could lower my weapon, she cackled and stood up.

She pulled herself to her feet, wiped her dirty hands off on her even dirtier breasts, making me wonder why she bothered and tottered over to pick her totem-staff up. She cricked her neck slowly, looking left then right, each movement letting out a cringe-worthy crunch, then turned to face me with a smug smile on her face.

“Righty-o dearie, yoo look'n lyk yoo'r in truble now.” She licked her lips then began casting her first spell.”

“[Nature's Vitality]!”

“[Nature's Blessing]!”

The first spell had no obvious initial effect, but after a couple of seconds I could see her wounds and her burn marks slowly close up and heal. The second spell drastically boosted the effect and seemed to increase the muscles slightly on her wiry frame – discounting her massive knockers, of course.

“Ahh, mooch behtah!” She said, smacking her lips again as her face transformed into a disconcerting grin.

Why hadn't I smashed that face in a few seconds ago when I had the chance, you ask?

Well, it was quite simple really.

Quite simple and very consternating.

You see, I'd forgotten something extremely important, I'd forgotten to keep an eye on my Vital bars.

Turns out your body locks up when you hit 0 Stamina.

So there I was, squatting slightly, standing on tiptoes, frying pan raised strenuously above my head in shaking arms, unable to move. Unable to end this fight once and for all, and complete the first floor.

Unable to stop the [Shaman] from regaining her feet, healing herself and buffing up.

Now I was waiting, waiting for her to cast her next spell, waiting for death.

*Snick*

A blade sliced across the naked throat of the goblin, ending her life once and for all.

It hadn't been my death I'd been waiting for, though I'd been unable to do anything but move my eyes, I'd made good use of what little I had.

I'd easily been able to see Verrick sneak up behind the goblin and draw his blade, ready to perform a coup de grace.

Bastard had waited though.

Waited until she'd healed. Until she'd buffed herself.

Until I thought he was going to let her kill me before he'd thrown a wink my way, and dark red inhuman blood had been spilt.

“Fucking bastard!”

You're very much welcome, Your Imperial Majesty, though, I must ask: When are you going to stop imitating a statue?”

“Huh? But I'm stuck... I ran out of Stamina...”

He burst out laughing at this, his guffaws keeping him from speaking for an age, until he finally noticed my annoyance.

Mainly because I'd been shouting such at him.

I felt very embarrassed when he pointed out that my [Frozen] debuff had expired after a few seconds and I could have acted long before he had. Quite probably before the [Shaman] had healed herself in fact.

I ignored the flush that rose up and heated my cheeks and ordered him to go find the final few mobs. The quest hadn't completed, so there was work to do yet.

The Cockatrice's Egg 1/5.

Search for the Cockatrice's Egg.

After a trying battle, you and your Party defeated the evil Shaman Kertstk.

Reward:

500 EXP

Bonus Reward:

Total Kill count: 9

Contributions: 2

Bonus EXP awarded: 166

Total EXP awarded: 666

Due to special actions, you have gained:

Agility +1, Vitality +2.

It didn't take long for Verrick to find and deal with the last couple of cowering goblins, causing a Quest completion screen to flash into my vision. I'd barely begun frowning at the EXP rewarded, when another set of words materialised, wiping out the previous ones.

The Cockatrice's Egg 2/5.

Search for the Cockatrice's Egg.

After searching Shaman Kertstk's shabby abode, you were unable to find the egg, though you did find a clue.

Perhaps those hooligan Orc brothers, Terk and Tirk have it? They were part of Kertstk's Party. Even if they do not have it, maybe you can find another clue.

Difficulty: Easy, Scaling.

Level recommended: N/A.

Reward: 150 EXP/TL.

I'd hardly call my brief time in the [Shaman]'s hut a thorough search, but whatever. I dismissed the Quest prompt and moved on to the most important part of any dungeon dive.

Looting.

The [Shaman]'s totem had looked pretty cool, and I wondered if it had any special effects like the frying pan's [Scatter-fire]. Even if it didn't, loot was loot, and I decided I wanted it.

I reached down a scooped up the totem, only to stumble off balance as my hand passed clean through it. Concerned that I was losing my grip on this realm, I quickly slapped myself but realised that even if I was slipping away, I'd still feel solid to me.

So I kicked a nearby rock, hard.

And it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

More laughter rang out, from two sources this time. One of which was trying to smother it, the other most definitely was not.

"What was that about, Empress?" Verrick wheezed, not quite done with his snickers.

I folded my arms and pouted at him unseen, "I really wanted that totem!"

"Hah! We all want dungeon mob's gear, but I've never known anyone to get it, unless you are lucky enough to pick it up in the chest at the end of each floor, look it fades already."

I turned and glared at the totem as it faded from view. Right. The totem had been slipping away, not me.

To be fair something similar had happened to me not long ago.

I gave one last longing look at the totem before I turned away – with my luck I was never going to loot that thing from a chest - and followed the still snickering Verrick and the pale Belloff towards one of the cave walls.

"We sure this is the way?" I asked, hoping to change the subject, and gloss over any inadequacies about my dungeon diving knowledge, knowledge that I should have had, but didn't.

Honestly, I was half surprised Verrick hadn't figured out I was an imposter yet, he was a capped out [Shadowdancer] and his stats must be glorious. It seemed the concealing nature of the Garb was still managing to keep him fooled.

And I hoped this would continue to be the case.

"Yeah, I spotted a largish tunnel back this way, most of the tunnels around here are only just large enough for the goblins to stand upright, but this one would easily accommodate an orc."

"You spotted the corpse I left in the hut then?"

"Of course," he snorted, "the orcs stench was easy enough to pick out."

I trudged forwards, following the two men to the tunnel Verrick had found earlier, dispirited and chagrinned.

But when I saw the mouth of the tunnel my spirit soared and I bounced up and down a couple of times, then skipped ahead of the other two.

"Looooot! My precious, precious looot!"

I was pretty sure they were sniggering at me again, but I didn't care, I couldn't wait to get my hands on some shiny precious loots'!

The chest was suitably archaic in looks, dark wooden planks bound together by iron bands, the top arched. It was perhaps three feet wide, one foot long and two feet high, plus a few inches for the arch.

My first proper dungeon chest! I was so excited, I could feel bubbles of pure joy exploding in my chest, fighting to free themselves. I held them back, barely. I felt like squee'ing. I'd never squee'd before, thinking it was just for those idiots who went to whichever boyband was 'in' at the time.

Looking at the chest, drool escaping my open smile, I almost understood what they felt. Almost. This was about as far from a boyband as you could get.

Unless there was drugs and a blackened withered heart inside, but I hoped not. That'd be bad loot. I wanted shinies! Glinting, scintillating coins from an ancient kingdom! Lost tomes of Magic! Treasure Maps! My anticipation built, and built and built.

Then, when I'd reached a crescendo, dreams of rolling in riches, discovering old Magics and uncovering ancient treasures I reached out and flipped the lid!

"What... happened?"

"I'm not entirely sure..."

"Well, you're the adventurer, can't you like, check on her or something?"

"It does really work like that, My Lord."

"How does it work then?"

"It... actually, this looks a lot like she ran out of Stamina again, which is silly. She should be well on her way to recovery now."

"Could the chest have been trapped?"

"Hmm, the chests found at the end of each floor are rarely trapped, though I suppose it is a possibility. Though, if she was under some kind of effect we should also be able to see it in the party window."

Verrick stepped forward to inspect the chest.

"Nope, nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing at all, which is very odd. It's extremely rare to get a dud chest. Especially in this dungeon. Oh well, nothing doing. We were just unlucky is all."

And with that dismissive word, my brain, which had come to a screeching halt at the sight of the empty chest, kickstarted itself again.

Silly me, anything that relies on RNG will always go against me.

I stood up, shrugging off my woes and crushed dreams. "Let's go."

The two men shared a look, and with a muttered "women" from the MoC, they followed.

I heard that, bastard. And I resent that, why, I knew plenty of women who'd sock you one for that.

I stomped off down the tunnel to the next floor, eager to put what just happened behind me, and hopefully, discover new shinies!

I soon found myself knee deep in shit, fighting off massive rottweiler-esque beetles. It was an odd combination, the face looked exactly like the German dog and was the size of one. However, the rest of the body was covered in carapace.

Considering our location – within some tunnels that the orcs used to dump their waste – I figured they were meant to be some kind of mutated dung beetle.

I swung [Into The Fire] downwards once more, the burning effect cooking the insides of the '[Metzscarab]' at the same time as the pan crushed the carapace.

Blunt weapons worked much better on these buggers, the carapace deflected piercing and slashing attacks, much to Verrick's chagrin. He'd quickly put his short-sword's away and retrieved twin extendable batons from somewhere within the folds of his cloak.

"Ack," I scrunched up my nose and surveyed our little battleground. "Was that the last of them?"

"Not- ahah, gotcha!" Verrick cut himself off and spun, kicking a beetle that had jumped out at Belloff from the piles of shit we were standing in, the beetle bounced off the wall straight into the cross-swing of the [Shadowdancer]'s batons. "Okay, that should be all of them now."

"Please tell me we're almost at the end! I thought we went down here to avoid fighting? I didn't sign up for this!" Belloff's nasally whine had grown worse after he'd put a clothespeg on his nose, to block the stench. I had no idea where he'd produced one from, and when asked he claimed he had no more.

"No plan survives contact with the enemy," I muttered, a quote I'd used often in my days as a raid leader in AoH.

"Indeed, Empress." Verrick agreed, "none of us foresaw oversized dung beetles. Even so, this was far less fighting than if we'd gone 'topside'."

With plenty of more grumbling and whining, and a bit of cajoling from Verrick and me, the MoC retreated from his perch and we moved on. Further into the depths of the shithole we were wading through.

We'd walked down the twisting tunnel leading from the goblin's encampment as it descended to the floor below for almost half an hour before we'd found the first sign of the orcs.

A small guardpost, more of a way station really, in a small cave off the main passage, the first offshoot we'd seen during the descent.

Verrick had gone on ahead and cleared the place for us. He needn't have bothered though, the two orcs inside had been dead to the world already, the countless grimy bottles strewn over the dirt-stained table were undeniable proof of their dereliction of duty.

To be fair, they were guarding the passage towards their goblin allies, but still, they should have remained vigilant should the worst happen.

Not that it would have mattered, the [Shadowdancer] would have made short work of them either way.

Pinned to one of the cramped space's walls had been a crude map of the floor, we – and by we I meant Verrick – had parsed it well enough to see the sewer and waste tunnels they used that crisscrossed the cavern floor beneath the fairly large fort they'd built.

We – Verrick – had figured out we could follow one of them to the commander's quarters – likely where the two orc brothers would be found.

And that's how I found myself staring up at the shit-stained shaft that must be the outflow of their toilet.

I hoped they didn't feel the need to go anytime soon.

"Any ideas?"

"I've got a rope, I'll just climb up and drop it down to you guys, if you hook it around your armpits then I can just haul you up."

"Up? I'm not going up there!"

We both ignored the whiny elf.

"Sounds good, need a boost?"

"For this trifling climb?" Verrick answered his rhetorical question by leaping straight up about eight feet, then wedging himself in the shaft above. He quickly shimmied his way up the 'shit-chimney', until he'd left our sights.

A few moments later when a piece of rope dropped down with a loop in the end, I made my move, grabbing the loop and flipping it over Belloff's shoulders before he could protest.

I tugged it a couple of times, yelled "all set," and the struggling and flailing MoC was yanked up the shaft, his robes getting smeared in dried orc shit as he swung about, hitting the sides.

A warm fuzzy feeling built in my chest at the sight. That had felt good.

I ascended the shaft a few moments later, with much less swinging and only one minor scrape against the wall.

Did Belloff's floundering make things worse for him, or did Verrick do that on purpose?

My Garb, back in its parody of the MoC's robes, remained as clear as ever despite my surroundings. Something I was very thankful for. Though, it wasn't long now until I lost its protection. [06:12:49]. I hoped we'd be out of here and I could find a spot to have another 'chat' with Belloff before it came off. Though, if not I'd deal with it. I was in a position of power either way now, they didn't have time to restart the dungeon claim before it'd start sending its quests out.

Eyes enhanced by some spell Verrick had cast on us earlier inspected the room we'd arrived in.

Calling it a room was a bit of a stretch really, it was a closet, about the size of the stalls you get in public toilets.

I didn't see any method of wiping or cleaning your hands after using the hole-in-the-ground-with-a-grimy-plank-over-it either. Yuck.

I was perched over the hole in question, Verrick and Belloff taking up the only floor space available in the room as they argued. Verrick finally won and Belloff agreed to remain in the shithole.

One problem dealt with. Now to find the two orcs Terk and Tirk.

Verrick eased the door open slowly, all of us wincing at the creaking sound the wooden hinges made and dropped into stealth before moving into the hall beyond. I waited for his whispered "all clear," before I followed him out.

Finger held to lips, he gestured me down the hall in front of us, the poophole was situated at the end. A few flickering torches lit our way down the stuffy passage, dirty and mouldy drapings hung on the walls around us.

We came across a couple of doors before we reached the end of the hall, each time Verrick eased it open carefully, before shaking his head and moving on.

We turned right at the end of the hall, stepping into another hall that was a copy of the first. At the end we found another rotting door, after peeking through the [Shadowdancer] shook his head and gestured for us to turn around.

"Not in there? I thought I heard voices..." I whispered as quietly as I could, causing him to pause and glance my way.

"Just some guards, this way should lead deeper into the commander's quarters."

"Should?"

"Well either that, or we're on the wrong side of the guards and we'll have to fight our way through them."

I gulped and nodded. As much as I liked EXP, not fighting led to less pain. Less pain was always good.

We followed the hall to the end, after a shake of the head at the only other door, we came to the end. Verrick giving me a curt nod of the head before he stood up and ambled into the room beyond.

I followed him through, confused. I'd thought we were trying to sneak in. But, upon entering I soon worked it out.

We'd found the brother's bedchambers, a large room covered in yet more drapings and as badly lit as the halls behind us. Two huge mounds of cushions and throws rested on the floor on opposite sides of the room.

There was nobody else inside.

"We wait until they turn in then?"

"That's the plan."

"What about Elbellkioff?"

He sighed as if hoping I'd forgotten about that nuisance. "I'll go retrieve him, he can hide in here too. Just in case they use the loo before bed."

With Belloff back with us, we wormed our way under the cushions and throws under one of the beds. The idea was to wait until they'd fallen asleep, then for me and Verrick to ambush this one, then he'd [Shadow-Walk] to the other, hopefully before he woke up. If not we'd double-team that one until it was done.

With time ticking down past the five and a half hour mark, and with my face mashed into what I was fairly sure was orc semen, they finally returned.

But they didn't go to sleep right away.

Oh no.

They'd brought company.

The female kind.

More than one each as well from the sounds of it.

I gritted my teeth and bore through as the orc brother above us had his fun.

Never fucking hiding under someone's bed again. Never. Fucking. Ever.

*