《Nice Guy Syndrome》Lesson 8: A Billion Wicked Tho(ugh)ts

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The door swung open and the girls all entered into the room. They were all aghast at what they saw.

There was a package of Mcdonalds goods on the table (which unbeknownst to them had been left by Fresco).

“Wow,” One of the girls said. “Looks like no drug dealers came through here.”

“I don’t know about that. One of them could be here in the woodworks for all we know.” A girl muttered sarcastically.

Little did the girls know there was something in the wood-works, as Raymond was hiding tucked away in the room’s custodian’s closet. Apparently, one of Fresco’s keys was for that closet, and at the last second Raymond managed to scrunch himself in there. Now he was sitting there forced to hear the girl’s conversations.

I wonder what they talk about when they’re alone.

A girl picked up of the Mcdonalds bag, “Wow, that drug dealers package was huge.”

They like to talk about some kinky shit.

“Wait, what’s over there.”

The voices then stopped, and Raymond started hearing footsteps getting closer to him. His heart palpitated, and he felt fate’s malevolence closing in on him.

CLInK CLInK the sound of a twisting door handle echoed. Jugging from the sound, it was the handle for the back door. Phew.

“Oh, it’s locked. I guess we’ll have to go out the front door.” Said a girl, who Raymond could identify Mmmmharrrrraappp. “But I wonder why it’s locked.”

“I guess it’s because the Academic Center’s main volunteer, Fresco, decided to start locking up early.”

“Oh, I like that guy.” Mmmmharrrrraappp said.

“Why you say that?”

“Because Fresco is a nice guy.” Mmmmharrrrraappp said. “Yesterday in my history class he couldn’t keep his eyes off me. Fat creep.”

Raymond’s face locked up, Wait, what? I thought he was a real nice guy.

Another girl added on, “Yea, I’ve seen that guy eyeing me up too. It’s creepy.”

No. What’s wrong? I liked him.

“H-hey,” Amber spoke up nervously, “You shouldn't say that, it’s mean. Like, what else is he supposed to watch anyway?” She said half-jokingly.

“How about he watches his weight.” Another girl snapped, setting off a bomb that caused an explosion of mockery.

“Ha ha ha ha.”

No no no no. What is it with these people? Do these girls just sit around and make fun of guys they don’t like all day? Do Amber and her friends sit around and make fun of me?

“Can’t you guys do something else for christs sake!?” Amber snapped. Raymond couldn’t believe he was hearing her say something resembling a curse.

“Oh, I can do something else all right.” Mmmmharrrrraappp said with a smile.

BANG! A fist knocked on the the custodian’s closet door.

“Hey, I know you’re in there!”

Raymond’s jaw dropped all the way down to the floor, AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Have I been found out? Is Amber going to think I’m some kind of creep? Don’t panic. I’m panicking!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Come on, if you don’t come out soon I’m going to tell a teacher that you were eavesdropping on us, creep.”

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God Listen to me here. I’m sorry for everything bad I’ve ever done in my life.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Ok, I’ll give you five seconds to come out, and then it’s over big guy….. One… Two….”

What am I going to say if she catches me. Something like: I’m no creep! I’m just your sweet summer child. Here for a season and gone with the wind!

“Three…. Four…… Five! Ok, now time to get out!”

I have to say something. Just say something.

Raymond took a deep breath and opened his mouth letting out the words:

“Hey, stop it.” A voice spoke out before Raymond could utter a syllable.

Hm?

“What?” Mmmmharrrrraappp said in confusion. “Don’t you want me to toast this guy?”

“No, your little games to scare Amber aren’t funny. We all know there’s no one is in that closet.”

“Yea, I’m not laughing either.” Another girl said disappointed.

“Yea this whole gig is boring. Let’s go.”

“Sure thing,” Mmmmharrrrraappp said, followed by the sounds of each girl exiting the room one after another.

After moments of silence, Raymond quickly got out of the custodian’s closet, stretched, and thanked god for answering his prayers.

“H-hello,” A gravelly voice spoke out.

Raymond turned around, where the pleasant smile of Miss Take greeted him. With a subtle terror beaming inside of him Raymond said, “Why hello there.”

“Hi. But why were you in there?” Miss Take inquired. “And for how long exactly?”

Raymond wondered if his goose was cooked, “I have an affiliation with the school you see- ”

“Oh, so you must be another volunteer!” Miss Take said like a game show contestant who just answered the final jeopardy question correctly. “But wait, As you already know, I’m a volunteer myself, and when I looked at the roll sheet I didn’t see your name on there. Are you really a volunteer? Or did you have - let’s say - ulterior motives?”

“Yes - I mean no, I had no ‘ulterior motives’. I’m sure I wasn’t on the role sheet due to some kind of error. All I did was do my my job of putting the mops away.”

“You’ve been putting the mops away for the past thirty minutes?” Miss Take said bemused.

Things were getting really scary now. Raymond knew he had to find an out to this conversation. So he thought and thought and said, “Wait, you said that my name isn’t on that list, but how do you know my name? Have you just memorized the class roll call sheet? Or do you and your friends have ulterior motives?”

Miss Take squinched up, standing completely silent. Just like Raymond had predicted, a shy girl like her would lock up when asked a question relating to sentimentality or privacy.

For a couple of moments the room was so quiet - so tense - that you could hear a pin drop.

Finally Miss Take opened her mouth, “Amber mentioned you earlier when talking about your group project. Sorry if that rubbed you the wrong way. Also I didn’t really think you had any reason to lie about being a volunteer, I was just checking for sure cause’ it’s my job. Why would anyway lock themselves up in a closet in an empty room anyway?”

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Raymond wondered what Amber said about him. But more so, he wondered why Miss Take thought that the room was empty when he was in the custodian’s closet. He remembered not hearing Miss Take’s voice when eavesdropping on Amber’s friends, so perhaps she didn’t know if her friends were in the room. He also wondered why he wasn’t that nervous when talking to her. Perhaps, it was because she felt like she was one of his kind, like with Fresco. Perhaps it was because he was getting better at handling people after his failures. But there were more pressing matters at hand.

Miss Take was hunched over, pointing at Raymond’s Sonic the Hedgehog T-shirt, “S-sonic the Hedgehog.”

“Yes?”

She stood up tall and proud, “Oh, that’s my favorite game series. Nintendo hit it out of the ball park with him.”

“Oh really? That’s neat, but I’m pretty sure Sega made the seri-”

“I really like how Sonic has a fascination with Amy’s feet.”

Has she only seen the first results on google images (without safe search)?

Raymond wanted to correct her mistake, “Yea, I love that part of the series. It’s makes me want to get the whole family together and enjoy.” But he just couldn’t get himself too because he wanted to be polite.

“Wow, I know right.” Miss Take said, breaking her typical emo somber with an enthusiasm of abject stupidity. “I really like Sonic’s friend who glides. You know, the Bobcat with the white exclamation point shirt.”

No, that’s Bubsy from his own game series.

You dumbass!

“Heh,” Raymond said, “He’s my favorite character too.”

Rage was seething in Raymond’s veins. He wanted to tell Miss Take how dumb she was for being so knowledgeable about something she supposedly loved, but he did not strike back. He thought, The great writer Mark Twain once said, “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” Maybe I should give that guy’s advice a try.

Meanwhile Miss Take was looking at her phone, puzzled. She had looked up the character on her phone, “Hmmmm, It appears I was just misremembering who the character was. Looks like we both need to brush up on our videogame knowledge, Raymond.”

Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot! Mark Twain knew nothing.

“Yea, I agree.” Raymond said reluctantly.

“I’m glad that that makes the two of us heh-ha!.” Miss Take awkwardly laughed, “And by the way, I want to ask you about your dog.”

No! God if this whole imaginary dying dog thing is a joke to you, please stop. This joke died a long time ago, and it wasn’t even funny the first time.

“So how’s your dog doing?”

“Dead”

Lucky bastard.

Raymond was so angry about the entire ordeal that he couldn’t help but spit out that his dog had died. But once his anger subsided, another thought hit him.

Wait, could this girl be into me? She seems to talk to me out of nowhere and inquire about my personal interests? I’m not too sure if I’m into her. On one hand she is unattractive, stupid, and pretty annoying. But on the other hand she is female.

Miss Take exploded into an eruption of tears, “Wahhhhhhhhhh! I feel so sorry for your loss!”

There’s no way she’s into me. No star crossed lover would ever cry in front of the person they’re enraptured by. Better calm her down.

Raymond said, “H-hey I was just angry and kinda joking there.”

Miss Take’s crying didn’t stop.

I’m literally worse than Hitler right now.

Raymond continued, “My dog made a full recovery an-”

“Oh Raymond, please don’t be so miserable.” Miss Take ran up to Raymond, tears and all, and gave him a massive bear hug.

The second Miss Take’s body collided with Raymond’s flesh, the universe stopped. Raymond felt every atom in his body rearrange. He had gone from being a KHHV, a group Raymond thought to be the most disrespected scum on the planet, to being a lowly KHV. It felt like tomorrow the sun would rise, and the world would be at peace.

After Miss Take detached her physical amore, she spindled, drifting around the room like an enchanting phantom. She cracked a smile under her tears, and spoke softly, “Raymond, do you know what season it is?”

“It’s Fall.”

“It’s breeding season.”

What. The. Fuck?

Miss Take continued, “And do you know what you’ll become after that happens?”

“I’ll be a father?”

“You’ll be an inmate.”

What in the hell?

And then the backdoor behind him opened wide and Amber came into the room, “Congratulations Raymond!” She cheered. “Now it’s time to get behind bars.”

***

Of course, this was all nothing more than a simple delusion.

In reality, Miss Take had simply let go of her hug, and as soon as Raymond snapped out of her nymphomaniac spell, he realized said, “As I was saying, my dog is doing just fine.That thing made a stellar recovery.”

“Oh, really? How swell.” Miss Take said, starting to calm down.

With the all the comotion now over and it getting late, Raymond wanted to no go home. But then he remembered what was initially on his mind, “Hey, what did Amber say about our group project?.”

“Well, she said…..” Miss Take paused for a moment. “She said she had some fun.”

Good, but…. could she be secretly mocking me.

“And” Miss Take continued, “She said you’re pretty nice.”

“That’s great to hear.”

Did she reject me because of my looks?

“Yea, I’m sure if you guys did another project she’d love to work with you again.” Miss Take said gleefully and with smile.

Raymond cracked a smile too, “Well, It was nice talking to you. See you later.”

“Same here. Let’s talk again sometime.”

And then Raymond left the academics center and started heading home. For whatever reason the school grounds didn’t seem so desolate this time around.

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