Six years ago there was a 12-year-old 7th grade boy named Phil. Phil was an odd peculiar young man who loved to stay indoors, was a book worm, and always wore a nice suit and dress pants to school. However, the thing that made him strange wasn’t his reclusive nature or his taste in dress which was fancy enough for the other kids at his school to consider it an offense against taste and decency, but rather the title he gave himself: the world’s #1 child psychologist and philosopher.

Phil was a kid who was hopelessly fascinated by psychology and philosophy. In fact, he had seen many of the great psychological and philosophical works from decades past. He had studied the psychological findings of Carl Jung, analysed the novels of Dostoevsky, had gone over Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil with a fine-tooth comb, and had watched mass fucktons of Neon Genesis Evangelion. In his eyes, the knowledge he possessed made him more than worthy of his self-proclaimed title, and he was very proud of it. In fact, he was so proud of it that when people asked him for his full name, he would tell them his full name was “Phil-the-Philosopher”.

Now, Phil’s pride in his title was akin to someone taking pride in coming in third place in a three-man race. Like, how many children who are both psychologists and philosophers do you know? Yea, I didn’t think so. It was stupid in a similar way to a title a certain moronic incel would later give himself.

However, Phil’s title wasn’t enough for him. He had a dream to one day become the world’s #1 psychologist and philosopher PERIOD. And he was trying to reach that goal by opening up a clinical practice at his middle school where kids could come to see him and receive psychiatric treatment. His clinical practice kept him very lonely, as most kids thought it was some kind of scam. Though, It did attract some pretty interesting characters. And one day, a very interesting character walked into Phil’s life.

He was a certain moronic boy who had an addiction to video games, anime, and had zero experience with the opposite sex.

His name:

Raymondo McDonald

Yes, he was not the supreme nice guy Raymond McGregory.

Raymondo McDonald was a kid who was hopelessly addicted to videogames, and loved to hang around hoards of nerds. However, despite this, Raymondo actually had some experience with lifting and was a tall buff guy with an intimidating aura surrounding him. Because of his terrifying aura, Raymondo soon became the king of the nerds, and he even got his pack of nerds to refer to him as “King”. King wanted to be E-famous and was scared of losing his position at the top of the nerd hierarchy, so he became a highly competitive gamer. In fact, he was so competitive that he gave himself a competitive edge over his opponents by buying shittons of in-game items with real world money. And he got his money by working it off his mother’s credit card. King was able to get away with his thievery for a very long time, but one day his mother found out about his unlawful spending. This of course lead to a fight between King and his mother, and King argued that his unlawful spending was justified because of how important his gaming “job” was.

After their argument King decided to go to Phil’s clinical practice to have him analyse the situation and tell him how to deal with his mother.

And now here King was with the world’s #1 child psychologist and philosopher ready to provide some of his philosophical wisdom.

After listening to King’s story Phil said, “Well first we should break your problem down. First, I’m going to use Freudian Psychoanalysis to see what your desire to become a top tier player in video games says about you.”

Phil then closed his eyes and said,

“Your drive for competition shows that you wasted your youth playing video games, watching anime, had no or very few friends in school, never had a girlfriend, and was bullied by other kids and now tries to feel loved and superior to others by beating another kid’s lobster mage with his rodent warrior in a game made for children. Though deep down you know that your video game achievements will never fix the psychological issues caused by your unfruitful youth nor will it ever fix your feelings of constant regret for not having lived life to the fullest. Deep down you know you’re wrong and your mother is right.”

King’s blood began to boil.

“Shut up pal. Tell me some real psychological advice or you’re going to end up being the one who’s going to need to see a psychiatrist.”

Truth be told, Phil was a guy who had a hard time running a successful clinical practice in large part because he was a little too honest to his patients about what he thought of them.

Going back to our little playground psychologist and his unlawful patient, Phil looked completely bored when he heard King’s threat and responded, “Ok, let’s begin the next step of our psychoanalysis: Archetypes. Archetypes are developed elements of the collective unconscious that were originally thought up by the psychologist Carl Jung. It’s believed that everyone can be categorized as the physical embodiment of a different mythological entity. And using my knowledge of the Jungian archetypes I deduct the you are of the magician archetype.”

“The what?”

“The magician archetype. People who are befitting of the magician archetype will try to justify anything they do with a delusion like,“I’m sure if I just win one more game my mother will love me!” Suffice to say, these people have a gold medal in mental gymnastics. Because of this many believe they are evidence of a massive flaw in our education system. They do have a great talent though. That talent being that they have the ability to bend over backwards and shove their head so far up their ass that they can see their colon. Perhaps that’s why you reek like my grandpa’s cat’s ass.”

King’s blood became steam.

“If you don’t say some real philosophical wisdom, I’m going to open up my own clinical practice were I remove people’s spines and you’re going to be my first customer.”

“Ok, I’ll dispense all of my wisdom. One of the big reasons you play games is to find meaning. And meaning is constructed incongruously in an intersubjective meta-dialectic, entailing all immediate corollaries that that obviously implies. But crucially, the construction itself entails the ontological end in itself: meaning is a physicality but also a transcendence. In other words your desire for gaming is a transcendent value that metamorphosizes into a totalitarian value above dominion. God’s dominion.”

“Can you please say that again in a language that I can actually understand?”

“あなたは激しい小さなゲイの小さな觸手でヘンタイモンスターの大きな雄鶏を吸うのが大好きです。”

King thought, I’m not that much of a weeb, baka hentai!

King’s face tensed up, and he started walking towards Phil with his fists clenched, looking like they were clubs that were ready to annihilate anything that happened to smash into them.

King said, “Oh, look at the time: it’s time for you to pay a visit to Dr. King.”

Phil was starting to get nervous.

“Hey pal, I’ve finally thought up some simple advice as to what you should do. You should stop your gaming addiction and apologise to your mother. As much as it might look like you are being loved and have fame as a competitive gamer, in the grand scheme of things no one cares about how good you are at video games. Seriously, no one gives a shit. Your gaming “job” will get you nowhere. It would also be pretty miserable if you became a professional gamer. Do you seriously want to stay cooped up in your room, hacking away at your children’s video game for twelve plus hours a day? Hell, I bet your current gaming situation is hindering your ability to make friends outside of your nerd pack. Go get a hobby that doesn’t involve consumption and stop bothering people with this nonsense. This is not philosophical wisdom: this is common sense.”

Phil’s words made King’s veins pop out.

King said, “That’s it! I’m going to kick your ass!”

“Is it you who kicks ass? Or is it ass that kicks you?”

King started running towards Phil.

Phil said while shaking, “Hey pal, uhhh- ummm- be careful with what you do with those clubs of yours. You aren’t looking very befitting of the magician archetype right now ya know…”

King continued his stride towards Phil, and just before King’s fist collided with Phil’s face, a voice shouted out, “Hey, Wait! Don’t hurt him!”

King halted his assault and turned to see where the voice was coming from. He noticed that it came from a boy in the distance.

The mysterious boy quickly ran towards King and Phil and said, “I know he’s mildly to severely retarded, but please don’t hurt him. It really isn’t his fault. He just has a really severe case of autism. I promise.”

King turned to Phil and said, “Do you know who this punk is?”

“Yes,” Phil responded. “he’s my best friend: Raymond McGregory.”

Raymond had been listening to the the two of them this entire time. Raymond knew of King’s situation and his appointment and had a bad feeling about it. He decided that he would watch them and step in if anything bad were to happen. Though, on his own Raymond was too much of a shy and nervous kid to stand up to King, but Phil’s presence managed to push Raymond out of his comfort zone. That’s just the kind of friendship they had.

King turned to Raymond,

“Well, I’m sorry, but this guy pisses me off so much that I need to take his spine.”

“Wow,” Raymond responded, “talk about needing to grow a backbone.”

King had finally reached his limit.

“Ok, that’s it! I’ll have to make room for two appointments, and when I’m done with you two, you guys will wish you just stayed in the waiting room!”

King raised his fist once more and prepared to strike.

Raymond and Phil both went through the five stages of grief as the Grim Reaper himself was about to take their souls (and spines).

But in the trepidation, Phil got an idea. He remembered that King’s mother was going to pick him up soon, so if he could just stall King out for the next couple of minutes, he could get through this encounter unscathed. And Phil came up with a plan that could do just that.

Phil said, “Hey Raymond, I don’t think he knows that thing. Do you think we should tell him?”

King stopped in his tracks and had a look of confusion on his face.

Raymond responded, “What’s that thing?”

“You know, that fact about him that’s so embarrassing that it would make the manliest of manly men’s faces turn red. That thing that everyone knows about except him.”

Raymond responded, “Oh yea, that thing. But I don’t think it’d be a good idea to tell him. Like, everyone who merely glances at him knows it. It would simply be too much of an eye-opener for him.”

Raymond had instantly figured out Phil’s plan. The two of them were on the same wavelength.

King had the face of pure terror.

“What…. What is it about myself that’s embarrassing and everyone knows about it except me?”

Phil responded, “I don’t think we should tell you… it’s pretty traumatising.”

Raymond added on, “Yea, it really wouldn’t be a good idea. Doing so would be like opening pandora's box.”

King had the face of absolute terror.

“PLEASE TELL ME.”

Phil responded, “Ok, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

And then Phil and Raymond both yelled at once,

“YOU SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES!”

A PTSD shock went through King’s body. His mind shattered. It was as if he had just figured out that his reason for living had been a lie all along. His life seemed meaningless.

Phil and Raymond continued to both talk at once,

“You’re a fraud. Nobody thinks you’re hot shit. You’re nothing more than a big fish in a small pond. Everyone just follows you because they’re scared of you. And your mother never loved you in the first place!”

King’s mind became that of a feral animal: frantically thrashing against the walls of his mind. Contemplating its own existence.

Raymond and Phil then alternated dishing out mental blows.

“King? More like Burger King!”

“Ohhhh! He’s going to need some aloe vera with that burn!”

“Nah, I take that back. He’s no king. He’s a clown!”

“Yea, we better start calling him Ronald McDonald!”

But it seemed as if King’s mental distress became rage, and he charged at the dynamic duo.

Phil thought, We’re done for. Oh my god. My dream will never come true!

Raymond thought, We’re done for. Thank god. Might as well end it all before things get worse!

King charged at Raymond and Phil. The two of them braced for impact, but King ended up running right past them.

Raymond and Phil looked behind them to see where King had gone to, and they saw him hugging his mother, who had arrived just moments prior.

King was crying, and everyone around him could hear how much of a girly man he was.

Upon seeing this, King’s mother had the oddest look of bafflement on her face.

She asked King, “What did they do to you sugar bear?”

“Wah heh wahh…. They told me I suck at video games and called me Ronald McDonald.”

King’s mother thought, Wow, these guys insulted my son and I didn’t even have to pay them.

King went on to say, “I’m sorry mom. These guys taught me that I wasted so much time and money on games that I’m not even good at, and that these games are actually hurting me socially. I apologise so much for fighting with you. I promise I’ll stop my degenerate ways.”

King’s mother thought, These guys are kinda awesome.

King’s mother looked at Raymond and Phil and said, “Thank you guys so much.”

Phil responded, “No need to be so thankful. This is all in a day's work for an intellectual such as myself.”

“I’m curious, just who are you two?”

Phil bowed his head and said, “I’m Phil-the-Philosopher: the world’s #1 child psychologist and philosopher.”

And Raymond added on, “And I’m Raymond McGregory: the world’s ummm…. I’m the world’s #1 assistant to the world’s #1 child psychologist and philosopher!

The two looked at each other, chuckled, and walked off into the distance.

King’s mother watched them walk off into the distance and thought, Wow, who knew special ed kids could be so cool!

***

Towards the the start of his seventh grade year, Raymond met Phil. Phil was being picked on by a bunch big fat bullies, and Raymond couldn't just stand there and watch it happen. So he decided to jump in and save the day: and he did. After his heroic triumph over the bullies, Raymond befriended Phil.

Their bond was something special. They were always together. They loved to face-off against other teams in P.E. (unsuccessfully). They loved to copy off each other’s homework. They loved to sit together during their lunch break and tell each other dick jokes. The two of them had many fun misadventures that made them laugh, cry, and smile. However the thing that grew their bond the most were the ways the two of them were painfully alike. Raymond was a loner who had a hard time talking to anyone, and Phil was a psychologist who had a hard time getting anyone to talk to him. They had complimentary inadequacies. They were lonely together.

Their friendship went strong until their eighth-grade graduation where they both had to part ways. Phil had to switch schools, and with the two of them being as socially inept as they were, they weren’t able to keep up their relationship and their friendship vanished as if it never existed in the first place.

***

I tell you this story because the man standing in front of Raymond in this present moment, in a den of amusement, is none other than Raymond’s childhood friend: Phil-the-Philosopher.