The class soon started with the teacher giving her opening remarks, “Welcome to English 1A. Today we will be discussing the class norms and the syllabus.” It soon became apparent to Raymond that this was one of those kinds of first days. You know, the kind where the teacher just spends two hours talking about shit you already know. Shit like, “you should raise your hand when you want to speak.”, or “you should respect other people’s opinions.”, or “you’re not supposed to ask a quadriplegic person if they were born in a minefield.” Ok, maybe that last teaching is only implied, but I think you get the point. Though however boring as these classes may be there is one good thing about them, and that’s that at the start of the class you think, “Oh god, they’re wasting my time.” But when you realise that you don’t have to do any work you think, “Thank god, they’re wasting my time!”. Anyways, as the teacher blabbed on about respect or some other happy go lucky bullshit like that, Raymond became very bored and his mind drifted to thinking about Miss Interpretation. Even though he had known her for all of two minutes, Raymond fantasized about her being his ideal nerdy and artistic wife who he would spend the rest of his life with. Of course, Raymond had no idea what she was actually in to, but he did see her walk into class with her reading book in her arms, and holding a fancy looking pen, and that was all the evidence he needed in order for him to project his fantasies onto her. Raymond began to dream about his life after the two of them got married.

***

Everyday he would wake up to her sitting at his bedside and she'd say in a cheerful childlike voice, "Wakey-wakey! It's time for breakfast!". Then she would shovel spoonfuls of candy you put in milk known as "cereal" into his mouth and follow it up by shoving a baby bottle down his pie trap.

Then he would go to work. The commute to his job would consist of him getting out of bed, and walking five steps to his computer where he would work as a full time E-celebrity. He would achieve E-fame as a popular gaming Youtuber and as a Twitch streamer. Everyday he would sit down and play video games all day. Thousands, if not millions, of people from around the world would watch him play and commentate. His legion of fans would type "lol" and "lmao" at all of his edgelord humor and dick jokes. His wife would often come in and play with him too. In fact, she would pose as his mascot. She would cause nerds from all over the internet to flock to his gaming channel and be envious of him. His wife would also be the artist that would draw his channel banner and such. Whenever Raymond needed a blanket, a back massage, or someone to scratch his ass at his "job" his wife would be there to take care of him at the snap of his fingers. When he would get off his "battle station" for his lunch break, his wife would be there waiting for him and say in a voice that resembled a kindergarten teacher, "Snack time!" and bring him trays of food with snacks like pop-tarts and animal crackers.

Anytime Raymond would leave his room to take a shit and the like, his wife would see him, and joy would fill her heart. It would make Raymond so happy to know that he was able to make a woman happy by being himself. His degenerate disgusting self.

Every night when Raymond would leave his "office" after an exhausting day of "work", his wife would instantly hop over to him with a cute adorable smile and say in a soft high-pitched childlike voice, "Would you like dinner? A bath? Or me?" And Raymond would respond with the same answer he used to get through high school, "All of the above!"

As time passed and they both grew old, they would sit by the fireplace and hear, "Grandpa! Grandma! tell us the story of how you two got married!" And Raymond would respond by saying, "Well you see kiddos, it all started one day when I was walking through a hallway during my freshman year of college and your grandmother pulled me aside and took me to the school's rooftop. We were all alone, and the atmosphere was both nerve racking and exciting. She told me, "Raymond I want t-to tell you that…" She paused her speech and backed away because she was blushing so hard, But soon regained her composure, "I want to tell you that I see you everyday in class and you give off an aura of being the most sweetest, most nicest guy on the planet, as well as being very intelligent, funny, and cute. Because of this I…." She was blushing so much she couldn't stop herself from pausing again, and her face was as red as a tomato. Despite this, she managed to croak out her final few sentences, "I've been a secret admirer of yours and I've come to confess that I want to please my desires by being with you forever.

I want to cuddle you as you shield me from the intense rain.

I want to hear the striking words that come from your brain.

I want know what it’s like hugging you in the winter breeze.

I want to feel my head resting on your knees.

I want to be with you all day long.

And I want to find out if my mouth can fit all nine inches of your schlong

do you have to turn in late work? ”

“Raymond, I’ll say it again. How long do you have to turn in late work?”

***

Raymond found himself having just woken up in his English 1A classroom. Apparently he had just been dozing off for the past couple of minutes, consumed by his fantasies. It was apparent to the teacher that Raymond wasn’t paying attention, so she decided to ask him a basic question about the syllabus.

Raymond was nervous and quickly made up an answer, “Oh… It’s uh- ten percent off your score for everyday your homework is late. So after ummmm... ten days the homework’s percentage drops to zero and will not be accepted.”

“No, I don’t accept late work.” The teacher responded.

“S-sorry I’ll t-try to be more attentive from now on.”

After this exchange Raymond could hear chuckles from around the room which made him feel bitter. Fortunately, there was someone for Raymond to share his moment of shame with, as shortly after Raymond was done speaking a girl came into the classroom, marking herself as “that person who came very late on the first day of class”. And as if her punctuality wasn’t embarrassing enough, she was playing a game on her Iphone as she entered the class, looking like a total fool. She also didn’t look like the sharpest tool in the shed either, as she looked disheveled. This girl would be of no importance to Raymond if it wasn’t for the fact that when she came in, she waved to Miss Interpretation and Miss Interpretation waved back. This lead Raymond to deduce that this disheveled looking girl was Miss Interpretation’s friend. This deduction would make her someone Raymond would have to keep an eye on. Thanks to her new status in Raymond’s mind, Raymond tried to think up a name to refer to her as. Considering the embarrassment that surrounded her, Raymond decided to name her “Miss Take”. Miss Take then managed to make room for herself by pulling out a chair in the back of the class and sitting down.

After Miss Take sat down the teacher said, “Ok class, it’s almost time to give your self-introduction to the person sitting in front of you.”

Self-introduction? Where did this come from?

But then Raymond realised that giving a self-introduction meant that he was going to see Miss Interpretation’s adorable face again and was going to have a chance to impress her was with how much of an amazing human being he is. This realisation caused Raymond’s thoughts on the class to change from:

Thank god, they’re wasting my time.

to

Thank god, jesus, and the holy spirit that they’re squandering what little time I have on this moss covered rock we call our planet!

Then teacher the said, “Ok, time to give your class introduction!”

Raymond’s red-haired princess turned around to face him and Raymond was eager to think up a class introduction to woo her over on the first day. As he was about to open his mouth, he looked at her pretty face, and something felt very wrong. Very very wrong. So wrong that Raymond’s mouth sealed shut and anxiety encompassed him. And Raymond soon figured out why. It was because he had come to an epiphany.

The epiphany that in order to get girls to fall for him he had to actually talk to them.