So it started like this. I was walking down the hall right. Cute brunette comes passing by in some jean shorts. Hair at the perfect length and a height that was tall but not taller than me. 

Her blouse bounced with each step, but that was in no way due to her chest. Leaning pretty close to the small side if you understand me, but hey, you heard the phrase ‘Small is right’ right? 

Well if you didn’t, then let’s just say if she is small, you for sure gonna fall.

Anyways, so I ran up to her. Running my hand through my hair before tapping the shoulder of her blouse. 

When she turned around, It was like my conscience inside of me up and shouted ‘She’s the one you fucking moron!’ 

“Oh, um, hello there.” Her gentle voice said, whisking me away like I was a baby floating down a river.

Her pink glossy lips parting like the sky was opening up to let the gods take a look at such a mortal goddess. 

If I was anyone else, I probably would’ve just said sorry and stumbled my way out of here, but nope! That’s not me.

“Hey, are you new around here? I’ve been staying in this apartment building for quite some time so I practically know everyone here. Oh, there’s Old man Larry over there! Hey Larry!” I said all in one exasperated breath, while waving to the old man walking through the door. 

“Shut up you good for nothing loud piece of shit!” Replied the balding old man with a Hawaiian shirt and colorful shorts that frankly did not match such a hateful tone.

Honestly speaking, he puts such colors to injustice! A crime I say! If I was a judge I would have him executed on the spot for ruining my first impression!

Larry walked up the stairs behind me as he gave me a nasty side glance. 

Just you wait, old man. I’m going to be clattering the pans so loud you are going to have to sell your hearing aid.

When he passed by, I looked back at the beauty in front of me. 

Ohoho, it looks like her eyes never left my face. Tell me, lady, am I that beautiful? Oh, don’t tell me. I might fall in love… with myself.

“Haha! Larry is such a kidder. Ahem, anyways. How about I show you around the place? There’s an open roof up top and I just so happen to be the only one here with an inflatable pool.” I said with much pride, putting a hand to my hips and the other through my hair.

I’m cool. I’m so fucking cool.

The lady looked at me with teary eyes. As she began to part her godsend lips, I put a finger up to them.,

“That’s right, let it out. Meeting someone like me is indeed rare. I won’t make fun of you.” I consoled while staring off to the distance except it was just a faded out wall.

She put a hand to my shoulder unexpectedly that made me jump. A smile creeping up on my face like I just had Botox.

“You…. are so pitiful. Please take care of your mental health.” She said solemnly, destroying my very will to live.

I stood there dumbfounded and distraught. My eyes never moved even after she started to walk away and her hips swayed out the double doors of the building. 

Pitiful? Who’s pitiful? Did she mistake the English language for a pit bull? Wait but I’m not a dog, to most people besides my sister that is. Oh! Maybe she thought I was that one bald guy celebrity with the shades. Wait would that be an insult?

As I stood there with a hand to my hips and the other scratching my head, a loud... 

Bang!

Ya that, echoed through the building. 

I turned around to see a man in a ski mask and brown leather jacket hurtling down the stairs. Kind of fashionable if I’m being honest. Is this a new tik tok trend?

Well, no time to ask because he was gunning straight at me.

See what I did there? Gunning? Oh not yet, well, he had a gun is what I was trying to say. A revolver by the looks of it, was actually kind of nice looking. Should I be envious at this moment?

So I look at this man, face to… covered face. He lifted his hand up and a bright light flashed against my eyes.

Bang!

Thus my life has ended… 

Is what I fucking thought.

My consciousness drifted in the darkness for no longer than two seconds before I awoke to standing in a large tent surrounded by people in silver full body armor like from Lord of the Rings.

Five knights who all had one knee to the ground and their head down. The one in the middle lifted his head up. 

Is he looking at me?

“General Grim? What are your orders?” The muffled voice asked.

It was at this point where only three words came to mind.

What. The. Fuck.