Who knew my life would end in a cliche. I was at the little grimy bodega down the street, with only $2.53 to my name and ravenously hungry. The ramen had a new 75-cent price sticker on top of the old 50-cent one. I grabbed two ramens. I didn’t even think about buying eggs, which had recently undergone a similar price increase, although the expiration date on the stock hadn’t changed. Ah, the wonders of capitalism. Maybe it’s cheaper at the grocery, but I don’t ever seem to have enough cash at one time to make the bus ticket and 45-minute ride there worthwhile. At the checkout, the bright flashing lights of the higher-than-ever lottery jackpot caught my eyes. Can’t afford a lottery ticket either. I looked away, and my eyes fell on the scratch-offs.

In the light of the streetlights as I walked back to home sweet home, I used a penny to scratch off the ticket. Then froze. That can’t be right. $5000? Am I hallucinating? I stood stock-still in the crosswalk while a tendril of hope started to unfurl in my empty gut.

The last thing I remember is the sudden sound of a truck horn honking and my view spinning from bright headlights to dimly twinkling stars. The $5000 scratch-off fluttered away like a dry leaf on the wind. Man, I didn’t even have any dinner first.

I opened my eyes at the bottom of a cliff. Hm. This was not where I expected to be. Far above, I saw the small, helmeted heads and glinting swords of figures looking back down at me, illuminated by torches. Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Buffalo anymore. Some of the heads retreated from peering over the side of the cliff, and I heard some shouts. “He’s down there! Fast, get him before he escapes.” It didn’t sound like English, but somehow I understood it. Based on the context, I assume they are talking about me. I don’t particularly want to be gotten.

Muscles and joints groaned as I pushed to my feet. There was a huge bump on my head. A wave of dizziness hit as I remembered. Well, something. A muffled voice, instructions, a mission? What the heck kind of body did I transmigrate into? The original owner had no memories before the mission, which had been to sneak into a compound and steal some kind of Macguffin. I staggered forward as fast as I could. At least we had one thing in common. Both I and the original owner had died on an empty stomach.

Not far from where I fell was a river. Thinking fast, I grabbed one of the big branches lying around the foot of the cliff. I dragged it through the dirt and gravel towards the river as if a body had been dragged there. Then, I threw it hard into the river, making a big splash. I heard some shouts and the rushing footsteps seemed to come closer. I quickly snuck around to the steeper and craggier side of the cliff and, sloth-like, made my way upwards. A pine tree jutted out from the side of the mountain, illuminated against the full moon. I stretched out as flat as possible on the narrow, flat ledge under the pine’s roots. If they expected me to be running away, they would probably not look for me higher up the mountain and closer to them than they last saw me, was my thinking. It seemed to be pretty accurate, too, since the shouts and torches moved further and further away.

I did a quick assessment of my situation. Won the lottery, check. Hit by a truck, check. Dead? I had to assume so. Transmigrated, check. Based on the cliff-falling and what little existed of the OG-me’s memories, this seemed to be some kind of Wuxia world. Ok. What the heck?

Right now I had something more pressing than mystical soul travels, and that was I was damn hungry. I patted my sides and chest hoping to find food there. Nope. There was a little pouch tucked under the lapel of my ninja-like costume, though. I pulled it out and inspected it under moonlight. It was a deep black, just like all my other clothes. There was a muted herbal smell. I untied the drawstring and looked inside. Some kind of pills? Three round, marble-sized, brown pills were nestled together inside the pouch.

Medicine? I was pretty knocked around by that fall off the cliff, so I popped one into my mouth. Instant regret. The pasty, slightly gooey pill tasted like a mix between dog food, herbal tea, and mentholated cough drops. Tears came to my eyes as tried to stifle a gag and quickly swallow. No, I didn’t want to make any extra noise and risk alerting any old friends who might still be hanging around.

Then again, I felt a gentle burst of strength, and my bruises didn’t hurt so much. That lingering headache from the monster bump on my head vanished. Still pretty hungry though. I sighed. I’ll just wait here a little longer.

A dark room. Silver whisps of incense curled and twisted up to the ceiling. In one corner of the room, a woman was playing the zither. In the center, a tall man sat in a luxurious, throne-like chair. He had a coronet of black jade and his fingers were tapping impatiently on the side table.

“He wasn’t at the meeting place? Didn’t they say he escaped the guards?”

In front of him, a black-clad figure cowered, kowtowing deeply with his forehead pressed against the floor.

“Yes, they say he jumped into the river and fled. But no-one has seen him since. The boats didn’t find him in the river, and he didn’t show up at the meeting-place.”

The tapping fingers paused.

“But he acquired the target, yes?”

“According to our informants, yes. But neither he nor the target have been found in the last three days….”

The zither music slowed reflectively, and the man in the throne glanced quickly towards the corner of the room before saying, “Dismissed. Drink the elixir as you leave.”

The messenger bowed humbly and slowly backed out of the room.

The woman stopped playing, and caressed the strings of her zither like it was a large cat, making a sharp ssssk sound. The man approached and bowed humbly towards the corner of the room.

“Madam.”

A light, impersonal voice rose in the air, “What do you think?”

“Informants say he fell from a cliff. If we find the body first, we might still be able to recover the Dragon Pills.”

“Hmm. You think he died from that fall? Ah-Jiu?”

“If he didn’t die, then…..”

The gentle-looking fingers clenched, a zither string twanged dissonantly as it broke. “How many people have killed, died, or betrayed for the Dragon Pills of Immortal Wei?”

“You think…”

She cast an impatient glance at him. “He could gain entry into any sect, or acquire riches from the mortal world.”

“But the Elixir of Memory….”

“We must change our strategy. Send people to search for his body and keep an eye on the meeting place. Let him think he tricked us. You must also put eyes on every sect. If Ah-Jiu makes contact with anyone, we will find out.” Her faint smile had a tinge of malice

“Yes, Madam.” The tall man bowed and backed out, mirroring the humble stance of the messenger from earlier.

In the room, the woman briskly removed the broken zither string and tossed it to the floor. Useless thing, it must be destroyed.

After waiting for a few hours, I quietly continued sneaking up the mountain. Say what you will, but OG-me had definitely been keeping on top of his cardio. In spite of the fall from the cliff and midnight mountain-climbing, I felt pretty energetic. My only problem was these clothes. Black might be a great color for sneaking around at night, stealing, and assassinations. I wasn’t interested in that line of work. And during the day, it is pretty conspicuous.

After I got back to the top of the mountain, I could see the broken branches and compacted grass that marked the path the guards had taken on their chase. If I went in the opposite direction, who’s to say I wouldn’t meet more guards coming from there? Instead, I went crosswise, opposite from the direction of the cliff and the river. I didn’t know where to go, but I definitely knew where I didn’t want to go.

Several hours of hiking, the sun was getting high in the sky. I licked my dry lips. Ugh, OG-me, you couldn’t even carry a water bottle? I don’t think I walked this much in a year in my before-life.

Suddenly, a little shack became visible among the trees. Definitely felt like a Hansel and Gretel moment. The little old house looked like it had once been in good repair. It was surrounded by a short wall, with a gate woven from sticks and branches. There were traces of bright paint that had almost all peeled away, and the roof was sagging precariously. But even better, there was a well! Saying a silent thanks, I lifted the lid from the well and drew up the bucket. The water was much cooler than the hot afternoon sun. It tasted sweet from the mountain minerals. I wiped sweat from my forehead and was taking another big gulp of water when I heard a scream and a scared, quavering voice, “Who - who is there?”

I turned around, dropping the bucket and spilling water all over the place. At the open gate stood the tiniest, frailest whitest-haired woman you can imagine. On her back was an enormous basket of greens, possibly bigger than she was. She was looking around with bleary eyes, waving her stick back and forth, partially as a defensive weapon, partially to make up for poor eyesight.

“Uh, I’m Joe,” I said.