I first noticed that something was wrong when the maid who usually brought me my food refused to look me in the eye. Normally we shared brief friendly conversations, but after Cia’s death those soon stopped. I began finding bits of sand or stray bone in my meals, a common childhood prank, but something that brought concern to me. The third time it happened I was sitting in Cadfael’s moss garden. Holly had been encouraging me to move about more after the effects of the poison had worn off so I had taken to exploring the halls of Cadfael’s hold, those both above and below water.

I had chosen to have lunch in the moss garden so that I could feel the indirect heat from the sun. Spring had begun to warm into summer. The waters had grown warmer, the fish had increased in number and Cadfael’s impatience for the wedding had increased. I was not feeling as impatient, in fact I was scared. I still did not know how I would be as a mother to Lord Aur. My stomach would flip and my heart would race with fear as I thought about it, but when I looked at his young face I couldn’t help but feel protective of him.

As I was thinking of this I bit into a sweet roll and tasted the salty grit of sand. I put it down and spit the rest of it into a napkin. “Laura, I have a question for you,” I said beckoning to the maid. She looked nervous as she stepped toward me. I pulled apart the roll and shook loose the sand and watched as he eyes widened in fear. “Do you know who has been putting sand in my food?” She gulped and took a step back. “You will not be punished for your answer.”

“The cook,” she blurted. “Cook Fia told me to put the sand in your food.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re pretending to be virgin; everyone knows you were sleeping with that Landwalker,” Laura said to me as her lip curled in disgust. “Why else would you disappear for five weeks?” I watched as the fear faded from Laura’s face to be replaced with scorn. “You are nothing but a filthy pretender, a real lady would have the decency to remain pure until wed.”

My lips pressed into a thin line before I spoke carefully. “I never slept with Ryaa and my virginity is well intact.”

“You’re the only one to call that Landwalker by his name, the only one who continuously crosses the Forbidden line. I heard how you turned him into Waterfolk to continue your affair.”

I couldn’t hold back my laugh and quickly covered my mouth. “I have no such power to change a Landwalker into Waterfolk.” I shook my head as I remembered pleading in the water for help while I held Ryaa wrapped in my Grace. A wave of sadness passed over me and I closed my eyes for a moment; Claire was probably worried sick about him. I wondered if she knew deep down that he was dead. What had the demon told the people after returning from its hunt?

“Tell Cook Fia that I will have words with her later about my food.” I left the rest of it untouched and left the garden. How many people thought that I had been sleeping with Ryaa? How many knew the truth or willing to believe it? My heart couldn’t deny that I missed him. Why could I not save him? Was he dead the moment we had fallen off the cliff the first time we met? Had he been living on borrowed time? Even he had wondered.

I found myself in the entrance hall and without a second thought descended into the water. I swam toward the market square. Along the way I saw people point to me and sing in low enough tones that what was said did not reach my ears.

At the entrance to the market I came across my cousin Ollin leaning against a stall. He gave me a cool stare as I approached. “I’d be careful coming here,” he sang to me when I reached his shoulder.

“Careful? Are there sharks about?”

He shrugged. “No, but there aren’t too many people here happy with a child murderer. So why’d you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, I’m your cousin! Why did you kill Cia when you knew she was pregnant with Lord Cadfael’s baby?”

I clasped my hand to my mouth as I gagged. Spots swam before my eyes as I struggled to keep the contents of my stomach down. Cia had been pregnant? Was that why she thought that killing me would bring her and Cadfael together? Ollin was watching me closely as I swallowed bile. My vision blurred for a moment and so I allowed myself to settle in the sand before him.

“Pr-pregnant?”

“You mean you didn’t know?” Ollin scoffed. “I told them you wouldn’t knowingly harm a pregnant woman. Everyone is saying you killed her out of jealousy even though you were sleeping with both Lord Cadfael and that Landwalker.” I was shaking my head as he sang. Others had begun to notice us and I could see their hostile glares at me. I suddenly felt exposed. I had left the hold without protection. What if those hostile glares turned into hostile actions? It did not matter that I had not known Cia was pregnant, I was still responsible for both deaths. I was still a commoner like them so if I was killed, there would be little justice for me.

A crowd was beginning to form around us. Ollin grabbed my arm and pulled me alongside him. We soon reached the hold and surfaced in the entrance hall. He pushed me roughly toward the stairs. “I suggest the next time you leave you bring a guard, though I’m not sure how much that will do you against a mob.” Ollin crossed his arms and stared me, a question forming on his lips. “Why did you kill her?” he asked softly.

“She had been poisoning me then tried to kill me in my bed. She almost succeeded,” I said hoarsely. I wiped my eyes clear of tears. My stomach turned on itself and I gagged again. Ollin patted my back while I coughed up saliva.

“Milady, are you alright?” one of Cadfael’s guards asked. I waved him away then ascended the stairs. I held my elbows while I shivered. My foot slipped beneath me in a puddle and I came down hard on my knees.

Hands slipped beneath my elbows and helped me to stand. I suddenly felt warm and realized that I was being hugged. I looked up to see Cadfael staring down at me with concern. Fear spiked through me and I began to push away, but he held tighter. “Sol, what is wrong?” he said into my hair.

My body shook uncontrollably in his arms. Did He know that Cia had been pregnant? Had he lied to me about the last time they had slept together? Why did I kill Cia, there must have been some way for me to defend myself? What had I done?

“Sol…” Cadfael whispered. “Sol, tell me how to help you.”

I pulled back and stared into his dark eyes. “Did you know that she was pregnant?”

“She? Do you mean Cia?” Cadfael asked looking confused.

“They’re saying she was pregnant with your baby when I killed her! Did you know?” I was screaming at him. I did not care that we were in such a public area, that anyone could listen in to what was said.

“SOL!” Cadfael roared. I collapsed to my knees hiccupping. My throat was raw and ached from my screams. He crouched before me and wiped away my tears with the edge of his sleeve. “You,” he said pointing to my cousin. “Come here now.” Ollin scrambled out of the water quickly and bowed. “What have you been telling Sol? Why does she think that Cia was pregnant?” Cadfael hissed.

“Lord, I was told by my mother that she overheard Cia’s mother telling her friends that Cia had been pregnant. Everyone knows!” Ollin leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. “They’re also saying that you have taken my cousin’s virtue.”

“Hounds,” Cadfael cursed. “Come with us now.” Cadfael scooped me into his arms and carried me away from the entrance hall. I was still trembling as I covered my face with my hands. “Please speak to me Sol.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. A sob escaped my lips then and I could not hold back the onslaught of tears.

Cadfael carried me to Holly’s working chambers. Half of it was submerged in water allowing easier treatment for Waterfolk. Holly was writing something in a book when we entered and paused with his quill above the paper. “What’s happened?” he asked.

“There’s a rumor that Cia was pregnant when she died. Sol took the information hard,” Cadfael said. Holly rounded the corner of his table and came to feel my forehead.

“Lady Sol, look at me,” Holly ordered. I stared bleakly into his eyes and he gently raised my chin up with his fingers. “Cia was not pregnant, I did the examination of her body myself with the aid of an assistant. All of my findings are listed here,” Holly said pointing to a paper bundle that sat on the edge of his table. “Who told you that she was pregnant?”

My eyes traveled to Ollin who suddenly hunched his shoulders trying to make himself smaller. Holly looked at him as well and frowned. “Who are you, Boy?”

“Ollin, Sir, her cousin.”

“Why, Ollin, did you tell your cousin that Cia was pregnant? It is already difficult enough for someone to cope with killing another person, more so when that victim is pregnant. What did you hope to gain by damaging your cousin’s emotional health?” Holly demanded.

“Emotional health?” Ollin repeated confused. He looked at me for help, but I turned my face into Cadfael’s shoulder.

“A person’s well-being consists of more than the physical, it also has emotional and spiritual. As a healer it is my job to maintain the balance of all three, but I cannot begin to do this if ignorant pond scum, like you, interfere with your rumors and arrogance.

“Miss Cia was not pregnant, she had an emotional breakdown and instead of dealing with it properly chose to blame Lady Sol for her misery. It is unfortunate that she was killed by Lady Sol, but it was done in nothing more than self-defense. If I find out that you continue to spread this rumor you will find it difficult to find a healer to treat you in the village and hold,” Holly said. Ollin nodded vigorously. Holly went to his hearth and took a pot from the ashes. He poured steaming liquid into a bowl and began adding different powders to it. He stirred it with a wooden spoon then brought it where Cadfael still stood with me in his arms. “Milady, I need you to drink this, it will help you to sleep.”

I took the bowl from him and downed the spicy liquid in two gulps. My throat burned as the liquid settled into my stomach leaving a trail of warmth. Almost instantly I began to feel tired. I handed the bowl back to Holly and caught his right hand in my own. “Cia wasn’t pregnant?” I asked desperately.

“No, she was not.”

I relaxed in Cadfael’s arms and soon found my head nodding. Holly touched my forehead and peered into my eyes once more. I could feel my horror subsiding slowly, but I could not stop thinking about Cia. I did not need to kill her in order to defend myself, but I had. I had slid the knife into her ribs and severed her connection to life. How could I face my father?

Maybe it would be for the best that I was put on trial to face what I had done?

As if he could read my thoughts, Cadfael held me closer and whispered in my ear. “I will not judge you Sol. I don’t want to lose you again.” I touched his cheek and he moved his lips into my palm and kissed it.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered back to him while tears rose in my eyes. “I’m causing so much trouble for you. I-I killed Cia. I had trained to be a warrior, but to kill someone like that.” I shook my head and looked away.

“My Lord, if you could please take Lady Sol to her chambers so that she can rest?”

“Yes, of course,” Cadfael said gently. I had never heard him speak in such a way to any of his servants except for Bran. I wondered if there was a history between the older man and my fiancé.

Cadfael made a movement toward the door and I held up my hand. “I would like to speak with Ollin before I rest,” I said. He pressed his lips to my forehead before setting me down. Ollin flinched as I came toward him with open arms. Reluctantly he left me embrace him before standing back at arm’s length. “Cousin, I know you love me, but if you ever say something just to hurt me again, the male line of your family will end with you. Do not believe the rumors, believe me. I am still a virgin.”

“Cousin, you’ve changed. How am I supposed to know that you are still the same person I grew up with?”

I frowned at my cousin’s words; I had changed? Was I so different that my own family did not recognize who I was? I had only seen my father once since returning to the hold and I wondered if it was because I would be a stranger to him.

“How have I changed?”

“You don’t smile as much, and you saved the Landwalker. We thought you were having an affair with him and that was why you ran off. The only reason you returned was because the Landwalkers were hunting you down. Did you love him?”

I shook my head and laughed. “No, Ollin, I did not love him, not in the way you think. He was my friend,” I said smiling sadly. “Even friends weep for the ones who die.”

“Then how did he become Waterfolk? I do not know of any legends beside our origins in which a Landwalker becomes Waterfolk.”

I squeezed Ollin’s shoulders and shook my head again. “I pleaded for help from the Gentle God. I don’t know of any secret ways to change a Landwalker. I pleaded and was answered.”

“I guess that’s all the answer I’m going to get from you,” Ollin sighed as if I was holding back information; and I was. I had not told him that I had wrapped Ryaa in my Grace before we plunged into the sea. He turned away from me and smoothed strays hairs back into the braid of his hair. “Listen, just be careful, Cousin.”

“Of course,” I said kissing his cheek.

I allowed Cadfael to return me to my room and we sat in silence while I began to nod off. As my head dipped for a third time he took my hand and brought it to rest on his heart. “Is my heart beating still?” he asked cryptically.

“Why would it not be?”

“Because I felt it stop when I saw you in the entrance hall. You looked ready to die and I thought I would lose you once more,” Cadfael said kissing my fingers. “Even after you had killed Cia, I could still see that strong desire to be…here…” He sighed and returned my hand. “Promise me that you will continue to fight,” Cadfael said gruffly. My eyes teared and I wiped them away.

“Vael…” I sobbed. “I do, I promise to fight.”

“Thank you.” He kissed me then. “I prefer it when you smile,” he said. I gave him the brightest smile I could manage and then returned the kiss.