Besides the pleasure, there is always remorse, from the indulgence of our passions. – Alexandre Dumas

It will be fine. – Jase to himself.

Jase prayed that the rooftop deck he had spied on the blueprints would consist of more than an open pool with plastic deck chairs. From Nessa's front door, she would have a fairly clear view of his chosen vantage point, and he needed a place to conceal himself. After the painstakingly slow ascent to the eighth floor, Jase breathed a sigh of relief at the sight that greeted him.

A huge deck, half the area of the eighth floor, held over fifty deck chairs, several café tables, no less than four barbecue grills, and what seemed like a hundred dwarf trees. The lush greenery offered Jase the perfect camouflage, and in short order, he had set himself up behind a particularly large cluster of bushes that allowed him a view of Nessa's door but obscured the view of anyone walking past the glass wall that lined the deck.

For over an hour, Jase just stared at her front door, on edge lest someone attempt to enter unnoticed. After a while, however, the tedium began to wear on him, and he knew that if he did not pursue some other thought process, he would fall asleep and leave Nessa unprotected.

When he had plugged his laptop into one of the nearby outlets, Jase caught his breath at the sight that appeared on the screen.

I hope I'm wrong about you, the unexpected message read. It had been sent sometime between the coffee shop and the verandah. For a moment, Jase assumed that Nick had decided to contact him again, but before answering, Jase paused. He typed in a simple whois search, not really expecting any pertinent information. When the location came up in Boston, Jase's suspicions grew. True, Nick could easily reroute his IP, but what coincidence would place him in Boston?

Who is this? he typed.

This is starting to piss me off, he complained silently to himself. How many people would hack him before he figured out how to stop them?

Oh, no one important, came the reply. Just the person who would love to wipe you out - if Bill would let me, that is.

Even if Bill let you, you couldn't manage it, Jase mocked. So, back off. Someone involved with Bill, contacting him from Boston. Combined with the figure who had followed Nessa, the development offered some very worrying prospects. It seemed as if Bill had lain in wait for Jase to show his head again, and now that he had, Bill planned to continue whatever plan he had initiated.

Can't do; sorry, came the reply. According to Bill, you're digging into subjects in which you have no business.

Jase's eyes narrowed at the computer screen.

Who are you? he asked again, his anger simmering over. In the background, Jase started a complex program that could trace the identity of his computer contact. Even his usual software failed, though, and the program kept sending back false locations.

Someone who is glad that you're finally getting your due. You have acted too self-important for far too long.

Jase didn't mind the slur; trash talk came with the territory. With all he had on his mind, though, the distraction clenched his jaw with irritation. He forced himself to remain levelheaded. Perhaps the person had contacted Jase in an attempt to locate him. Have you actually talked to Bill about this? Jase fished. Because he's still sending me checks. Apparently, he's satisfied with my work. And as long as I work for him, he doesn't care what kind of digging I do.

Then why was I told to find you? Someone in the organization has doubts about which side you work for.

That's the way I like it, Jase smiled to himself. If you've worked for Bill for any length of time, he typed, you know that every one of his relationships is multifaceted. Therefore, I work for the only side that guarantees success. Mine. Bill knows that about me.

For several seconds, Jase stared at a static screen, nothing changing but the seconds that ticked on the clock in the corner of the display.

I guess that explains your irrational insistence on following the girl. We've expected your return for a while. But that doesn't explain your digging into ProtoComm computers.

Jase wanted to punch the screen. This person had already mentioned Jase's prying once before. How could anyone possibly know that? If Jase knew anything better than deception, it was computers. According to his current communication, he had failed at both. Letting out a slow breath, he suppressed the sudden surge of empathy he felt for Nick. What kind of guilt had plagued him when Liam traced Briel through Nick's computer? If what the person on the computer said was true, Jase stood with the very real possibility that ProtoComm had started targeting Nessa again because they had found traces of Jase's hacking.

Just hedging my bets, Jase lied, restraining his emotion. I like to keep abreast of issues that affect the company I'm working for. If I read things right, Bill has some pretty significant business about to go down.

Nothing in the world would read more believable than Jase's acting in his own best interest. Perhaps his biggest advantage lay in the fact that no one would expect him to act altruistically. The thought brought a bitter smile to his lips.

In fact, Jase continued on that premise. I'm a little pissed that I haven't been offered a piece of the action. They ask me to get some piss-ant security system schematics, something a low-level hack could pull off, but they won't let me participate in the important deals. Have I been demoted?

When no response came, Jase tried another tack.

Or maybe you're a low-level hack so you don't know the answers, though someone was good enough to have detected my probes.

Another pause.

I was good enough, the unknown hacker allowed. You know how to cover your tracks, but I would have caught anyone who tried to access the Thailand file. The company has too much riding on the transaction.

Finally, Jase sighed to himself. Now he had confirmation of the Thailand connection. Though Shan wasn't a Thai name, apparently Bill planned to work from his Thai base, just as Jase had surmised.

On the computer, he wrote, So what do I have to do to participate in Thailand. I haven't worked in a while, and I'm bored.

Again, several minutes passed without a response, and Jase began to lose patience. Whoever had found him either couldn't decide whether to include Jase in the process, or had already determined to exclude him. Or I haven't fooled them at all, he admitted to himself. Now that someone had caught him, Jase couldn't risk digging into the Thailand file electronically anymore, but he hardly cared at this point. So far, he had only found the names and date off of Jack's computer, nothing more enlightening.

Then, he also knew - thanks to Nick - that the transaction occurring in Thailand involved big name players and that a large amount of data had changed hands; both truths evidenced a sizable deal going down. The inside confirmation of the Thailand connection meant that Jase would need to make that flight with Thomas no matter what – unless, of course, he determined to stay behind to protect Nessa.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jase noted a sudden movement in the hallway beyond the glass, and the motion wrenched his mind from the silent computer. He looked up but only saw an innocuous-looking man striding, unconcerned, down the hallway toward the elevator.

By the time Jase's heart had slowed, and he remembered the computer screen, a new message had popped up once again.

Honestly, I don't trust you in the least. You're playing very sloppy, and that's not like you. It makes me think that you're playing a game where you have no skill. Since you have plenty of experience being a criminal, your ineptitude implies that you're playing a different game. I'll pass your request to Jack, but you're as likely to draw bad attention as good, since I don't believe Jack trusts you either.

Jase cursed. Was his hacker right? Had Jase screwed things up so badly? If Bill expected Jase to show up in Thailand, it would destroy any hope Jase had of catching the CEO unaware. Maybe he could throw Bill off the trail using his own spy.

Look, Jase began. Do whatever you want, but ProtoComm is not the only game in town, and I really don't have the patience to work with a company that would exclude me from this scale of transaction. If they don't appreciate my skill, I'm sure someone else will. And I'm about at my end of patience with Bill's compulsion for control. No one controls me but me.

Jase had to convince his listener of his self-interest; Nessa's life might depend on it, not to mention the success of Jase's mission. You tell your boss that if he wants my help, Jase continued, he knows how to find me. I only hope for his sake that I haven't found a more lucrative opportunity in the meantime.

As soon as Jase hit enter, his hand froze above the keyboard, all scheming forgotten. Another movement through the glass caught his eyes, and the breath left him when he saw Nessa rush from her room. Her countenance wore such an expression of dismay, and he needed all of his self-discipline not to sprint to her side.

Gripping his seat with his hands to restrain himself, Jase watched as Nessa peered around her, eyes narrowed in assessment. She seemed as leery as he, her awareness somehow heightened to a painful state, and when he noticed the object in her hand, he recognized it immediately as a chrome money clip. From the look on her face, she had just discovered it.

A moment later her gaze stopped on Jase's general position, and his muscles tensed in anticipation of action. Though he couldn't fathom that she might so easily spot him, he quickly glanced at his surroundings, hoping that some easy escape would present itself. If he had his way, Jase did not wish his reunion with Nessa to take place here, before Jase had a chance to somehow explain his absence. How else could she react but with defensiveness, either emotional, or worse, physical?

Jase's controlled his breathing as Nessa eased the door to the patio open silently. When she had pressed the door wide enough, she began a feline stalk toward Jase's hiding place, and she wore a grace which stroked pleasantly in his memory like a long-lost friend. Despite his dilemma, he easily registered the void her presence filled. Either he could try to soften the blow of his presence, or he could confront her immediately.

Soft was not really his style. He shut his laptop and bent to slip it into its case, attempting as he did to make some noise. Perhaps not too direct without a little warning.

As he straightened back up to see her, though, he arrested his motion and canceled his plan. What he saw made his blood run cold in his veins. Though he had lost sight of her for only a moment, her situation had transformed completely. A moment before, Jase had feared detection more than any other possibility. Now, discovery might prove, not just foolhardy, but fatal.

A few yards behind Nessa stood Liam Monroe.

Liam Monroe. A man without scruple. A man with enough brain power to prove dangerous but enough stupidity to prove reckless. Jase recognized on Liam the skullcap and bulging coat of Nessa's earlier pursuer. Staring at Liam now, Jase's perception of his size made sense as well: about six feet tall and of a slight build. How long had Liam been dogging Nessa's steps? Even more disturbing, what had made him decide to confront her today of all days? Of course, the coincidence proved fortuitous, but Jase still found it disturbing. If he had not gone to see Nick and Briel, if he had listened to Nessa and stayed away, if he had decided to deny himself. Any deviation from what had occurred might have resulted in Nessa's death – or worse.

Now Jase would have to change his tactical plan, seeking to remain hidden from Liam, not Nessa. He would have preferred to cry out to Nessa. If he could hide himself from Liam, though, Jase could increase his chance of success by attacking with the element of surprise.

Jase held no doubt that Nessa had noticed him through the lacy foliage on the terrace, but Liam seemed completely unaware, staring instead at Nessa's back. The turncoat op had drawn his gun and pointed it to the ground as if poised to shoot, but not immediately. If he didn't plan to kill her outright, what did he plan? A red haze clouded Jase's vision as he realized the sinister implications.

After a moment of indecision, Jase slipped off the chair and crouched beneath the line of bushes, and Nessa halted in indecision, as if she could not pinpoint Jase's exact location. When she stopped, a leer of absolute enthusiasm lit Liam's countenance. Jase's muscles bunched in anticipation of attack.

Jase began to slide along behind a ten-foot-long row of hedges, and a moment later, he crouched only an arm's length from both Nessa and Liam. Nessa hadn't moved, her eyes still roaming over Jase's initial position in search of her lost target, and Liam raised one arm to the level of her neck as if preparing a choke hold.

The time to move had come.

Jase lunged directly from his crouch toward the blond-haired man. Both Liam's and Nessa's heads snapped toward Jase's body which now hurled madly through the air.

When the blow landed, it came so unexpectedly, that Jase almost had no time to recover. Jase had touched no one, yet he found himself traveling a different direction than the one in which he had begun. After an instant, he realized that Nessa had swung a round-house kick squarely to Jase's jaw, and he recognized in her action that she had misunderstood his intention. In light of the lie he had purposely put forth, he couldn't blame her. Still, in current circumstances, the move proved highly disadvantageous for her.

Without hesitation, Jase dropped to the ground, but at the last minute, he wrapped his arm around Nessa's waist and pulled her down on top of him. He immediately rolled, placing her beneath him just before a silenced shot zinged through the space she had occupied only a moment before.

Stunned, Nessa gaped helplessly up at Liam, too confused to accurately assess her situation. Fortunately for her, Jase understood exactly what had happened. Rising to his haunches, he brought his arm across onto Liam's gun and simultaneously swung his leg with incredible force around the back of Liam's stance. The rogue agent stumbled off-balance to the ground, his gun clattering out of reach. Jase sprung upon Liam, but Liam needed little time to recover and shot his own foot out to connect with Jase's gut, effectively halting the larger man's flight mid-air.

As Jase rolled to a stance, Liam scrambled behind a table, never taking his eyes off of Nessa.

“Damn you, Jase Hamilton. You're taking all the fun out of this,” Liam taunted, having established a secure position squarely opposite Jase. “She was such an easy target before you showed up. You should have let me play with her awhile before you came to act like a hero. And, yes, we all know it's an act.”

Jase glared intently at Nessa's assailant, his cool ability to reason suppressing the anger that simmered under the surface. After depositing Nessa behind a table, he inched back toward Liam. “Of course, you said it didn't matter what I did with her,” the man continued, “so maybe you want to help me...”

Before Liam could finish, Nessa had launched herself at her assailant's throat. Her lanky form circled behind him as her arm closed tightly around his neck. Unlike her last encounter with Liam, Nessa had timed her assault well. Her only problem lay in the imbalance of physical strength. Liam gripped her wrist and twisted out of her grip. Undaunted, she hurled her free fist into the side of Liam's jaw. Jase had to admire the agility of her movement.

While her assailant reeled, Jase pounced and continued Nessa's pummeling of Liam's face. When he finally found his footing, Liam leaped behind a brick planter, rolling to his feet to face Jase and Nessa. The abject hatred on the man's countenance as he glared at Jase escaped all reason.

“What is your problem, Liam?” Jase queried as he circled for position. “What have I done to you that you have it out for me?”

Scoffing, Liam's top lip sneered in disgust. “You mean besides literally ripping my girlfriend out of my arms? You represent everything I hate; you're a boy scout. That's enough reason to snuff you out,” he asserted.

By this time, Jase had pushed Nessa behind him, and he eased the two of them toward the gun which Liam had dropped under a table when Jase had hit his hand. Hearing Liam's description, Jase paused. Such a declaration sounded almost comically erroneous.

“What are you? Fifteen? You're mad because I helped your girlfriend escape?” Jase jabbed as he eased himself and Nessa toward the escaped firearm. “You can't really think I'm a boy scout, because you know my reputation. If I'm a boy scout, I'm one twisted boy scout.”

Liam mirrored Jase's movement easing gradually toward the gun, though he couldn't hope to reach it before Nessa could. Still, because Liam stood less than five feet from them, neither Jase nor Nessa had a clear shot at the gun.

“Smoke and mirrors, Jase. How long is your reputation going to last if you keep interfering with Bill's business?”

“Purely self-serving, I assure you,” Jase countered. Giving up on the gun, he began to sidle surreptitiously toward Liam himself, trying to work himself into the path of the firearm. Nessa inched away from Jase, using him as a shield as she headed toward the pistol.

“I haven't interfered with Bill; ask him. I've made his life easier for years. After all I've done for him, I can't believe he sent an idiot like you after me,” Jase accused sarcastically. “In fact, I don't think Bill sent you at all. Would Bill expect so much incompetence from me that I can't handle you? I don't think so.” Pausing as if in thought, Jase peered into Liam's glinting black eyes. “I'm going to have to call your bluff here. Since Bill would know better than to send you after me, he must want to use me to get rid of you. He sent you here to your death.”

A guttural laugh burst from Liam's lips. “Ego, Jase. It's what cost me my fun in France, and I've learned my lesson. You might consider following my example.”

“Not likely.” Jase retorted. “You needed humility. I'm really that good. You, however, are stupid enough to think you can take me on. Your misplaced attempt at revenge is going to cost you.”

“Not revenge,” Liam assured Jase. “I'm not that petty. I only needed one reason to come after you: money. Bill offered a lot of cash to get rid of you. This whole thing has been about you. Apparently, Bill didn't like it when you stopped me from nabbing Briel. He was even more upset when I told him what really happened in Banff, how you helped Felicity escape.”

Damn, Jase complained. If Bill knew about Banff, the ostensible CEO would have no doubt of where Jase's allegiance lay. Still, the immediate situation required Jase's entire attention. He would worry about the next problem once Nessa was out of danger.

“You're not fooling anyone, Liam. Bill has nothing to do with this,” Jase asserted strategically. “You know as well as I that he wouldn't waste resources and manpower to let you get revenge. You're doing this on your own. You went after Briel out of adolescent jealousy, and now you're coming after me because I interfered.”

Unfortunately, Jase had little time to assess Liam's reaction. A motion behind Liam drew Jase's focus away from his opponent for an instant, and that instant proved too long. While Jase had wasted time talking, Nessa had inched toward the gun. Apparently, she had reached an advantageous angle. With Jase's last sentence, Nessa lunged. Jase breathed a sigh of relief, though he had no time to celebrate.

Liam closed the gap between them, latching onto Jase from the side. He entrapped Jase's legs by wrapping his own around them, and the action forced Jase to stumble. With one arm restrained and the other raised in self-defense, Jase could not soften his landing, and the impact sent a deep bruising ache through his shoulder.

Rather than acknowledge the pain, Jase whipped his head back to avoid Liam's hook and took advantage of Liam's momentum to roll the smaller man underneath him. His arm still pinned, Jase used his free hand to compress Liam's vagus nerve. Instantly, Liam brought his arm up and broke Jase's hold. Following his arm's motion, Liam swung his legs skyward, lifting and twisting until he had thrown Jase away enough to scramble to his feet.

For one second, Jase recognized the level gun that Nessa had pointed at Liam, but he couldn't take time to register its import, instead leaping directly back into the fray with Liam. As they struggled, Jase lost track of his position when he raised his fists to block a barrage of blows. The position limited his vision, and when he had a moment to assess his situation, he could no longer see Nessa. Had she fled? What if she tried to help and got in his way?

Once again, his concern for her cost him the advantage in his battle with Liam, and by the time Jase fully focused on his enemy, Liam had his arm around Jase's throat. Jase could feel the muscles of the smaller man's forearm tense as he squeezed tighter and tighter on Jase's windpipe. For over a minute, Jase twisted violently, repeatedly swinging his elbows and thrashing his feet to land some type of blow on Liam. When Liam did not relax his grip, Jase's head began to swim from lack of oxygen.

Jase's consciousness faded to such an extent that when the shot rang out, he could pinpoint neither it's source nor its ultimate destination, and even through the fog of senselessness, panic gripped him at the danger to Nessa. Not until he felt himself leaning precariously backwards did he recognize his own vulnerability. The sensation of Nessa's hands clasping his shirt brought him back to full cognition just as Liam's slumping form plummeted over the ledge to the ground below, his limp arm sliding harmlessly from around Jase's throat.

“Are you okay?” Nessa gasped breathlessly, pulling Jase to a full standing position and out of danger of losing his balance.

“You killed him,” was all Jase could manage.

For a moment, Nessa fussed over Jase, checking his eyes and feeling his pulse, but when Jase pulled her into a tight embrace, her soft form turned to stone beneath his arms.

“Let go of me, Jase,” she commanded coldly, squirming to escape his grip.

Though he felt a stab of remorse at her words, he did not comply immediately, instead inhaling the scent of her hair before loosening his arms and watching her scurry like a frightened animal to seat herself on a chair several feet away. Her scent felt painfully familiar, too comfortable and close to home to give him any relief.

“Don't ever do that again!” she hissed, shaking herself as if to shed his touch from her skin.

Though he wanted to protest, Jase knew that he couldn't argue with her right now. As far as she knew, Jase had completely abandoned her.

“I told you I was fine. I told you I could handle this myself,” she scolded.

“Yes, and you were doing a great job,” Jase responded sarcastically, his breath finally returning enough to allow for speech. He knew he shouldn't taunt her, but how could she claim such a thing after what had just happened?

“If you hadn't distracted me, he could never have sneaked up on me. I had control of the situation before you showed up.”

Jase restrained himself from responding, torn between a laugh of disbelief and an angry reprisal. Did she seriously believe that she could have taken on Liam alone? If Jase hadn't returned, Liam could have utilized endless methods to ensnare or attack her. Or worse, torture her.

“I caught sight of him when I went to the drugstore, and I was prepared for him. Yet for some reason, you decided to interfere, which completely threw me off. Besides,” Nessa continued stubbornly. “I'm the one who saved your ass, remember? He was going to kill you if I hadn't shot him.”

For the second time since he had known her, Jase had proven irritating enough to elicit swearing from the mild Nessa Santiago. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Jase finally betrayed a smile. He could not stay angry with her regardless of her irrationality.

“How can you smile at me after that?” she accused acerbically.

Jase tried to reign in his amusement, but his elation that Nessa was now safe overcame his self-control. With the demise of Liam, Jase felt certain that no one else would come after Nessa for a while, and with Nessa out of immediate danger, Liam's assertions seemed less pressing. Whatever Bill had planned, Jase would counter it.

“We should call local law enforcement,” Jase changed the subject, avoiding her question completely. “They'll want to know why a man with a bullet in his head just plunged ninety feet to the pavement.”

“Fine,” Nessa agreed. “I'll report it. You can go.”

“I have to stay,” Jase insisted, still amused but slightly disheartened at her obvious irritation. “They'll need both of our statements, or you'll look like a homicidal maniac.”

Sighing, Nessa stood and made her way back to her apartment. Jase jumped immediately to his feet and followed her too closely to allow her to shut him out. In the end, she didn't seem to try.

After seating himself on her couch, Jase finally decided to answer her question. “I'm smiling, Nessa, because you're finally safe. With Liam dead, no one has a reason to come after you.”

“And why do you care?” she asked shakily, averting her eyes from his perch on the sofa. Beyond her anger, Jase could visibly see the hurt that she harbored toward him. Even through his elation, her disbelief stabbed at Jase's conscience. Nothing would make him smile more than assurance of her safety – not unless she threw herself into his arms and offered her devotion, he mused sarcastically.

Of course she had assumed the worst, he reasoned. Just after she had opened her heart to him, he had vanished without a word.

“I didn't want to leave you,” he began, but Nessa cut him off.

“No more lies, Jase.” She finally turned to face him, and Jase couldn't believe the violence of her anger. “You have lied your whole life, don't lie to me anymore. I gave you more credit than you ever merited, and I deserve the resulting disappointment for being a fool. You left me, and you think that you did your duty because you posted Drew as a guard? You think that's what I wanted?”

How could she know that? Drew would never have admitted that he had Jase's blessing.

“For two weeks, I haven't slept,” she continued. “Every night I lie awake waiting for the person who kept planting your things in my apartment to grow tired of playing games with you. How could he know that you didn't even care if I were safe? You had abandoned me for your own agenda, and I didn't even have the benefit of your protection, only the curse of your false affection. Someone figured to punish you by tormenting me. But the problem was, it didn't punish you. You didn't even know, and you certainly didn't care.”

Her building indignation compelled Jase to his feet, and the sentiments in her words stabbed through him like fire. True, he had expected her anger, and even her accusation, but to hear the words escape her perfect lips ripped through him like the worst torture.

“Please, Nessa,” he began, taking a step toward her.

“No,” she reprimanded, turning her back to him. “There's no need to explain it. I was an idiot, and you were right before. Too bad I wasted so much energy worrying about you.”

Jase glided toward her, a sudden and overwhelming need to hold her gripping him and pulling him forward.

“What do you mean I was right?” he queried, not stopping his forward motion.

“You're not a good man,” she accused into her hands. “I should have listened to you instead of letting myself fall too far.”

Jase halted mid-step.

Even laced with the insult, the beauty of her words hit him like a sledgehammer. Jase had expected so many things, but he had convinced himself that his leaving would have little effect on her. He had told himself that she would recover with virtually no serious discomfort. According to her ultimate statement, though, Jase had affected her more than he could ever have dreamed. She had “fallen too far.” She had fallen for him.

“Nessa,” he crooned softly, the elation from her words warring with the pain of his compromise. He needed to stay away from her. He needed to force her away. He just didn't think he could anymore.

So instead, he reached out for her, engulfing her with his arms as he stepped in behind her. When he spoke, his lips brushed lightly against her ear, and Jase felt her shiver as his breath tickled her neck. “You're right,” he admitted, his voice barely audible, and Nessa leaned imperceptibly closer. “I have always been a bad man. But I have never been capricious.” Her need compelled him forward against his better judgment.

Confused, Nessa twisted in his arms so she could see his face. As she searched his eyes, she bit her lip in consternation, and Jase had to pull his eyes away from where her teeth pierced the delicate flesh. Right now, he needed to focus on more important things than how badly he wanted to kiss her. He reached his hand to her face.

“You've only known me for two months, and they have been the most volatile two months of my life.” He ran his hand down her arm and noted with pleasure the goosebumps that raised at his touch. “I have always been known for my intense determination and focus, something you've had little opportunity to observe. When you met me, I had just awakened from a nightmare.”

“Felicity,” Nessa hissed, and Jase smirked at the jealous tightening of her eyes.

“Not just Felicity,” he countered. “I have lived my entire life a selfish man. I straddled the line between good and bad, assuaging my pricking conscience by setting up certain parameters that I would not violate. I figured, if I lived by these standards, I could pretend that my actions didn't matter. When I came across Felicity,” he began, dropping his eyes to the floor. Somehow, he knew that Nessa wouldn't like what he planned to say, and he didn't want to see her displeasure. “I saw the face of my indifference. I realized that my actions all had consequences. Felicity opened my eyes to the contrast between good and evil.”

His thoughts proved prescient, and Nessa turned away again and tried to pull away from him, though she couldn't move far with the counter in front of her. Jase didn't blame her, but he didn't relent. He needed to her to know how little his old thoughts mattered now. So little did they matter, in fact, that Jase paused with relief when he realized that thoughts about Felicity no longer held any pain. How long ago had he last suffered through his nightly dream? Jase couldn't remember.

“I never loved her, Nessa,” he spun her to rivet his eyes to hers. “I just had never really had a chance to see goodness before. I hadn't believed in it for years.” It died when Meg died, he realized. Nessa somehow pulled away even farther, and Jase reached for her again, grasping her arms in his hands. Even though she didn't resist, she would not relax.

“Please don't take offense,” he begged. “I've encountered goodness many times since then - now that I know what to look for. I've seen it in the faces of so many people that I've met, and it's always just as enticing. Felicity, Briel, Nick, even...Ganika Saxena.”

At the last name, Nessa relaxed infinitesimally, as if she couldn't hold both anger and confusion in her mind at the same time. Jase smirked at the top of her head. “I'll explain later,” he assured her. “But right now you need to understand this. What I felt for Felicity Miller was never love. Admiration, recognition of goodness, the tuggings of my own conscience...never love.” Jase emphasized the last words, and Nessa raised her eyes skeptically to meet his.

“How can you say that?” she accused. “After everything you were willing to sacrifice for her?”

“Because even though it was powerful, it was an illusion. There was no substance in my thoughts about her. I was aware even at the time, and I think she recognized it, too. She honestly kept us both safe from my immaturity. And I’m starting to grow up, to find a gravity in my thoughts about you. A substance that I haven’t experienced in a really long time – not since I was a child. This is as unlike that as a mirage to an oasis. Even then I knew it. That was a dream. This is like waking up and finding reality.” When he noticed the onyx glistening of brimming tears in her ebony eyes, his chest couldn't rise. He pulled her more tightly against him, hoping to relieve the pressure in his lungs by compressing them against Nessa, a source of breath. Her lips parted in a gasp of surprise, a surprise laced with both pain and pleasure.

With those lips opened in such vulnerability, Jase couldn't resist the temptation, and he let himself lean in to kiss her. He slid his hand to the back of her head and pressed her soft mouth gently to his own. As the heat burned into him, he ramped up the urgency by gripping her even more tightly. He felt the warm, unexpected wetness of tears as they slid from her eyes and trickled onto his cheeks.

For several seconds, he allowed himself to swim in her scent and the warmth of her skin, but he soon remembered her sadness and released the kiss. In its stead, he wrapped both of his arms around her, resting his cheek tenderly on the top of her hair. Jase could feel her melting against him, and she fell against him with what felt like exhaustion and resignation. Even as pleasure engulfed him, Jase hated himself for his weakness. He just couldn't leave her again.

“I let you go, Nessa. I know it's hard to believe, but letting you go is the greatest act of love I have ever undertaken. Every day without you was torture, but I gave you up to keep you safe. I'm still not sure I was right to come back, but when I found out you were in danger...”

“Just stop talking,” Nessa mumbled into his chest. She wrapped her arms completely around him and leaned so far toward him that he might have tumbled had he not turned to lean against the counter.

Though his heart felt heavy, he had to laugh at her brazenness, and for just a little while, he did just that. He said nothing until a knocking at the door announced the arrival of the police. Only then did Jase release Nessa from his embrace. When he did, she gratified him with a small but genuine smile, an expression that pained Jase more than his own conscience. It communicated her capitulation and cemented Jase's transgression.

The policeman who greeted Jase at the door no doubt wondered at the drunken gratification on the face of a man who had just reported another man's death. If he suspected something, though, the officer said nothing.

Either way, Jase couldn't restrain the curve of his lips, not with the taste of Nessa so fresh upon them.