“If you don’t stop moaning, I’m gonna shoot you,” said the frustrated figure standing guard at Jake’s cell.

“Shoot me!” replied Jake. “Please!”

“Don’t think I won’t do it,” replied the guard.

“You won’t, I’ve been asking you to for days,” answered Jake.

“I will, just you try me!”

“You just don’t get it do you? Worst threat ever. I want to die, it was by trying to commit suicide that I got into this mess.”

The security guard shrugged, he thought Jake was weird.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you to be honest, most of the people in Crawk would kill to live in a place like this.”

Jake sighed with frustration. The guard was right, to an extent. Despite it being a prison, with actual cell bars and a guard at the only entrance, the place Jake was living in was amazing. It was a plush quarter of the Palace of Crawk. He had three reception rooms full of comfy chairs, settees, computer games, giant cinema screens – anything he could have wished for his entertainment. He had a giant four poster bed in his bedroom, so big it took him almost twenty minutes to crawl into the middle. He shared his quarters with a selection of people who had been chosen as people who might please him. Fellow gamers, takeaway owners, computing whizz-kids, and a host of women, all of whom idolised Jake, their war hero. Of course, although these were the kind of people Jake subconsciously desired in his life, he had a very important self-exclusion from society to be getting on with, so their presence was merely irritating.

“Thank God for that!” exclaimed the guard spotting the awkward gait of Green_Turtle_Boy_369 lumbering into the room.

“Morning Kait,” said Green_Turtle_Boy_369.

“I’m so glad you’re here Green_Turtle_Boy_369,” said Kait the guard. Contrary to what Jake had expected, Green_Turtle_Boy_369 wasn’t just the handle used on Lapine Death Corps, it was actually his name. “He’s being really miserable again, it’s doing my head in.”

“Well he is suicidal,” laughed Green_Turtle_Boy_369. “So you’d kind of expect that.”

Kait took a massive key from his pocket, and turned it in the huge lock in the iron gate which separated Jake’s quarters from the rest of the palace. It was amazing that electronics ruled the world, but the one place that hadn’t changed was a prison cell. Keys can’t be hacked so quickly, supposed Jake, who could hack into anything else.

“So what’s bugging you today?” asked Green_Turtle_Boy_369 as the gate shut behind him.

“I’m bored,” explained Jake. “Please will you let me kill myself?” he pleaded.

“You know I won’t do that,” said Green_Turtle_Boy_369.

“Well can I at least have the internet?”

“We’ve talked about this before. If you have the internet, the Outer Galaxies will find you instantly and will come and kill you. You’re far too valuable to us for that to happen.”

“I’m not! I’m useless and worthless and boring and I’m not going to help you anyway!”

Over the last couple of days, Jake’s regular outbursts had started to hint to Green_Turtle_Boy_369 the underlying reasons for Jake’s depression. It was all about self-confidence. Jake had none, and assumed that everyone would hate him. Ironically, this made him really miserable company and meant that people generally did hate him.

“No you’re not, you’re a hero Jake! You should really remember that. Everyone in Crawk loves you. Have you met the girls yet?”

Green_Turtle_Boy_369 raised an eyebrow as he asked this. When Jake had come to Crawk, Green_Turtle_Boy_369 had advertised for people to come and live with Jake, to cheer him up and help him settle in. The response had been phenomenal, thus living in the same quarters as Jake were some of the most beautiful and desirable females in the whole of the Crawkling empire. Like everyone else in Crawk, they worshipped Jake. He was their hero after all. An undetected mole in their midst, he had single-handedly brought down the defences of the Outer Galaxies and had begun the war. Nobody knew this was a trick, Green_Turtle_Boy_369 had kept the real story quiet. He didn’t fancy being the most wanted man in the whole universe.

The memory of this unfortunate incident was so vivid that Jake could still taste the curry sauce vomit, and he merely glared at Green_Turtle_Boy_369.

Green_Turtle_Boy_369 took the hint and changed topic quickly. “Don’t worry Jake, I have something organised which will cheer you up.”

Jake groaned. He had feared there was a reason Green_Turtle_Boy_369 had come to visit.

“We’re off to meet some more of your loyal subjects.”