Ha, one of the only good memories that I have of my childhood, and it was looking up at the stars. I still come outside when there is a lot on my mind, and I need to catch my breath.

I wasn’t sure why but something in the movie came to mind just now, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Maybe it was that she killed herself. Would I ever love anyone that much? I highly doubted it but thought that maybe it could be possible.

When had I stopped believing in myself? Stopped looking towards the future, any future? Was it that I thought I would always be alone? Was it that people took advantage of me everywhere I went? I shake my head, I just didn’t know.

I wish that I had known that movie contained suicide. If I had known I wouldn’t have picked it out. Thinking that I grip the blanket tighter around me. This was an avenue that I try not to let my mind wander down.

I think I was in middle school when I started dreaming about suicide. There were a lot of pressures pushing down on me. I was also hearing a lot about my weight, 95lbs. I just knew that this wasn’t right, and that I should be happy, have friends and have the freedom to be a kid. I didn’t have that.

In my dreams it was always black smoke wrapping around my neck. For some reason when I thought of suicide it was about a rope around my neck. Or at least, that’s what it had been. Now though? It varies. Pills, knives, guns, poisons, falling asleep in a bathtub, driving my car into a lake…

I squeeze my arms, hard, and try to move my thoughts away from that. That part of my life was over. I was no longer living my trauma, that was in the past.

I was in the present and moving towards a better future. One with food, cats and ghosts. What a fun and bright future this would be. Maybe I will find a spell to turn me into a witch, or a magical girl and I can go on adventures!

Hey, at this point it didn’t feel that unlikely. I smile as the wind grabs hold of my hair and plays with it. I reach up and push it out of the way, tucking it behind my ear.

“Hi, Aurora? I came up to check on you. You seemed upset…” Noah says, seeming a little bit nervous, which was endearing.

“Thanks for checking on me. I’ve had to face suicide in my life and it brought up some bad memories. Nothing that some fresh air couldn’t take care of.” I turn and smile in the direction that I hear his voice coming from.

“Oh… That makes sense. I’m glad that you seem to be feeling better.”

His voice was very soft, and I was afraid that he was going become quiet again. I liked his voice and having someone to talk to, so I really didn’t want that to happen.

“It was really sweet of you to come up here. Do you like looking up at the stars”?

“I do actually. Though I’m no astronomer… I know… Orion’s belt, and there should be two dippers? I do love the night sky and the smell of fresh air though.”

“You know, I don’t know any of the real stories either. I can tell you the one that my dad told me when I was really little.”

“I’d like that.” He said.

He was so natural about moving the conversation in a positive direction that I was really impressed. I proceeded to tell him about the guardian bear and it chasing fish up into the sky.

When I was done “That was… bearry cute…” he said with a smug grin, I couldn’t see it but I knew.

It made me feel really good to share with him one of my few good memories.

“It was the only story that he came up with for any of the constellations. He just showed me the signs after that and claimed that he did not know any other stories.

“I tried making them up myself, and all I remember was that they were pretty silly. I can’t remember what they were about though. Did you ever make up stories?”

“I’m not much of a writer, but I read everything. Books, magna, video games, some people don’t count them, but they count, shampoo bottles. Everything.”

“I bet we would have been good friends if we met while you were alive.” I pause, “But we can still be good friends now that you are dead if you would like.”

“Ummm, I would… only if its best friends!”

“Okay Noah, from today on I dub thee, my bestest of friends. I mean you win by default, but still you win!”

“…”

“Noah?” I somehow can feel the silence. “Hello?”

“…Eeep!” a squeak like sound escapes into the night.

“Noah, is that a good eep? Yes, I am sure it is a good one. Indeed, poor shy cinnamon roll.”

*************************************************************************************************************

Noah does his best to give her some space, as it seemed like she needed it.

“How long should I give her space? What if she doesn’t want to be alone right now?” he ponders to himself, quickly becoming more anxious as time passes.

Eventually he makes his way up to the roof, giving the locked room in the attic a wide berth as he passed by it.

Hearing the story of the constellations makes him think of how cute Aurora must have been as a little kid. He thought about his own childhood. Had his parents ever made-up stories like that for him? Had he ever been that cute?

He couldn’t remember a time when they did. When he was really little they used to read him stories before he went to bed. They would also read them to him when he was sick or upset, they read to him a lot.

Reading and playing games were his escape from reality, his own little slice of peace. Something that he holds precious. ‘It feels really nice to know that I have a friend.’

***********************************************************************************************************

I lay down in bed and stare up at the ceiling, thinking back through the day. Being me, I go over everything that I said and did then thought of ways that I could have said or done them better.

It was something that I did as a child because my parents would constantly judge me and tell me how I could improve. It was that way for everything. If I told a joke to a friend and they were nearby enough to hear it, they would judge me on my delivery.

They would bring a notepad with them to any of my performance and keep track of all of my mistakes. At the end they would ask me what mistakes I made. Any that I missed they would tell me and make me say it back to them three times. This became something they did so much it imprinted on my brain.

I hum a little tune to myself to try to pull my thoughts out of the abyss. They were not in my life now and I was not planning on welcoming them back any time soon. They had no control over me or my mind.

“The wolf softly howling is the sound of the night, When all that surrounds us is snow and moonlight. So waltz me and hold me, under the night, when all that surrounds us is snow and moonlight.”

It was the words to one of my favorite waltzes. Some of the lyrics are sappy, but I secretly love that. I can’t help it, I am a fan of sappy things: songs, books, games, and people… the cinnamon roll ones.

Always have been, and chances are I always would. I softly sing to myself as I fall asleep.