I've had my share of ups and downs, although the times I failed outnumbered the small victories I earned. Such is the life I'm living, no redeeming talents or skills, anything of note that makes me stand out.

I do well in school but either I get a somewhat decent score or a borderline failing grade. All this time I have been searching for my goal, I wanted something to persevere for, to entrust my whole life in.

That was what I lacked, a dream, I stayed stagnant in the river water while others rowed their boats and get to their destination.

It seems easy for you to find something of interest and dedicate your whole life to, but I don't have that. I take no interest in anything of value, my parents raised me in a controlling and strict environment wanting their child to be the best while giving a half-assed support. I reckon they wanted an easy life, who doesn't? but to force your ideals on your child makes them no different from a puppet.

I was raised like that, I, true to myself was a natural born sheep.

I attended school, behaved well and didn't act out. My parents were proud of me, my teachers couldn't say anything bad about me. I had decent grades, enough to allow me to graduate but in all my years there, I was an errand boy.

I fought back of course, my classmates I can argue with but the adults? no, I had no such power to resist. I was giving them smiles while doing their work, I had to appease them lest they beat me later.

Most nights I sleep late to study as I didn't have the intellect to maintain my grades while doing nothing. Yet as soon as I sleep, I wake up at around 1am to 3am, I had to force myself to get some sleep or stay awake and sleep at school.

In times I managed to sleep, I woke up late and had to rush and prepare for school and by the time I get there I'll be late for the first period. If I stay awake, I'll be able to get there quite early but would struggle to keep my eyes open.

My health took a drastic change and I got sick quite a few times, my mom would nurse me back to health. Everyone called me Momma's Boy back in school as I was quite attached to her, she babied me basically anywhere calling me baby and kissing my cheeks.

I know it was embarrassing, still I let her do what she wanted.

The thing is, despite what other people may say, I love my parents and the thought of them disappearing from my life still pains me everytime. I remember the first time I felt lost and empty, it was the day my grandfather died.

I never asked why and how he died, I just sat near his coffin in silence. Staring at his face, wearing a white Filipino formal suit, barong tagalog, with black lips, ash white skin, and wrinkles all over his face he slept inside the box.

I didn't shed a tear that day, I didn't fully understand yet what the concept of death was but what I understood was that anyone could disappear.

I may lose my parents, my friends, and they may lose me too, I didn't want to take any risks and burden myself in the future with regrets. So I allowed my mother to pamper me as much as she likes, I lost my ability to think for myself to make my own decisions.

I've had major setbacks, I gradually lost confidence in myself my parents berated me, continuously comparing myself to others. I tried applying to be a call center agent, I waited for days for the phone interview to come. I waited for anxiously for days, so when my phone rang I was startled and had the worst interview.

Needless to say I didn't make it, they told me they'll transfer me to another account, so I had to wait again for another interview. Regardless of what I did I still didn't make it, they transfered me multiple times and by then I grew weary and lost all interest towards the job.

In that same week, my neighbor applied for a call center agency, one time I saw his brother briefing nd teaching him ways to nail the job. I just stared at them for a moment, I did my research and I still didn't make it.

A few days passed and my parents got ahold of news that my neighbor successfully got the job, I stiffened up from shock. I realized my own incompetence, the last pieces of self-confidence I had came crumbling down.

My parents were probably comparing me to him by now, I didn't pay attention to whatever they were saying. My mind was swirling in self-doubt, I blamed myself for not doing better, negative emotions riddled my head blocking out all sounds from registering in my ear.

I felt like the world was unfair, that night I slept with the worst headaches I've had. I woke up after an hour, clearly spent, my eyes were drooping my hair was messy and my whole being felt heavy.

I walked down the stairs and sat on a chair in silence, I didn't bother turning the lights on I just sat and let what I was feeling sink in.

Time passed and my surroundings kept getting colder, the deafening silence attacked my ears as I stared into space. I didn't know what I was doing but by the time I came to myself, I was standing above a cliff.

The bottom housed an endless forest and like all the times I looked down in a high altitude I had the urge to jump, only this time my emotions got the better of me as I felt the wind hitting my face.