Grace VIII

Eighteen.

I had just turned eighteen when I have constantly led astray. I was only eighteen when I thought everyone was the same. You think you know something you don’t. I thought of myself as something to hate. Someone who wasn’t me. Someone who wanted to prepare for the future she feared. A girl who was frustrated at herself because she felt unwanted. A shadow that followed her around as a constant reminder. Then there was the trust that was exploited.

I was only eighteen when they found my body on the drowning ground.

I know what you’re going to be. Just another lost soul searching for a purpose in a world you think you understand. You either find that purpose or accept that life goes on and it consumes you. Whatever that purpose is, I hope it’s a good one. For what is it not but a person’s dream to be happy? And if that happiness causes some pain in others, is it just? Or is it the selfish self-desire that overwrites that moral compass in the back of our heads? Or perhaps the desire to be well-liked by your peers that leads you astray?

Just like it led me astray.

I used to read stories and nearly all of them had happy endings. Rarely ever did I find one where the villain won. Rarely did I ever find a story that ended somberly. I think it’s because we use that world of fiction to escape the complex and unknown world that terrifies us so much. Every time I turned on the news it was to see something sad or scary. It’s nothing but constant war, politics, and propaganda and I got sick of it. So what better way to escape from all of that then the world of fiction? Whether it be books, movies, TV shows, or my favorite, video games. There’s constant discussion about all of this but nothing is ever done. It’s just another cog in the machine.

It’s something I think about a lot. Chris was a person who was stuck inside his mind. He would always talk about how he’s always tied to an invisible chain. Whether that chain is 10 feet or a thousand, everyone is tied to some sort of chain. Chris wanted to be free. In the end, he was able to free himself from the thoughts that plagued his mind. He now works at a university and is studying a potential new form of renewable energy. It’s all based on the things he saw under the effects of the modified Winter, the same I saw. The energy that flows all around us.

Still, I always wondered what my chains were. There’s too many to even list. Everyone shares the common ones, but there’s nothing we can do about them. The most we can is to try to end our stories the best we can. Oftentimes, we don’t.

Sometimes the best we can hope for is to bring upon our children the best we can. Yet it tacit knowledge that the love a parent can have for their child varies wildly from person to person. Some children don’t grow up knowing their parents. They either grow up to be better than they are or end resenting them. Some children grow up orphans and they live the best they can with the resources that were given to them. I was lucky enough to have a mother that supported me even at my lowest. My mother even supported two kids that weren’t even hers. I think I asked her about why only once. She told me that sometimes kindness wrinkles through time. That kindness was what allowed the child of Sara and Freyja to live happily with her mothers.

Her name is Trinity.

Sometimes we forget that kindness can extend far beyond what we can ever perceive. We’re often hateful and disregard others just because we couldn’t be bothered. Or maybe we just had a bad day and took it out on others without ever thinking about it. It doesn’t make us bad people, it just means we could be better. We all know what’s right. From birth it’s ingrained in our bones and we only learn more as they grow. All our blood flows the same way. Yet, it doesn’t stop from people having that hatred in their hearts. But maybe that little bit of kindness you show them can go a long way.

That level of kindness and understanding, it doesn’t come without difficulty. It’s easy to get lost in that circle, pyramid, or chain of hopelessness that tells you the world is lost. What’s the point? But Jerrica never gave up her kindness to Andrew. That kindness grew into love, and that love now resides inside their home. That unwavering determination has given them three kids.

Angelica, Skylar, and Claudia.

But you can’t change those who can’t be changed. Oftentimes people get overwhelmed and they leave it all behind in search of the self. It can happen at any moment. One may hate their job, their friends, or family. For whatever reason they decide it’s better to start anew. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Whatever the result, the path has been taken. Life is beautiful, it really is. Once you realize that, truly understand the concept, it becomes impossible to have that hatred in your heart.

It may take their entire lives for someone to realize it. They may never realize either. How do you find something you’re not looking for? How do you even differentiate from the things you want and the things you need? Emotions can sway that decision at a whim. Emotions can cause us to act without thought. More often than not, it works out. More likely than not, you don’t need anything. It’s all about want. Want is what allows us to shape and mold our fates.

You have seen the long stretch of road before you. It’s covered by snow or blasted by the scorching sun. The dirt may cover it, or it could be windswept. It could be shrouded in darkness or perhaps it’s so bright it’s blinding. But no matter what, we still walk that road.

It’s the same road Cody took after Emily left Darkwood one final time. It is the road or even a river, Emily decided to take on as she grew more sure of herself; enough to let the stream carry her down. Everything but peace seemed to follow her outside that cursed town. Eventually everything settles down and Emily’s heart would find that peace. No matter how much pain the past brings, she and her daughter face them together.

Her name is Elizabeth Grace.

That same stream carries Cody into a life of worry and struggle, but that is the nature of being alive. He’s thankful for all the mistakes, regrets, and pain that brought him here. For without it, he wouldn’t have his son.

Caspian Ellis.

One of the biggest fears is dying without being remembered. We’re afraid of being buried and being mourned by a few. But what more can you ask for? It’s a lingering thought we all have when we are alone. So you go on searching and are either to dumb or too smart to find God. Maybe you are too angry or too lonely.

Or maybe your struggles become too much.

Even after years of conquering her demons, Sara still struggles to smile. After all, depression isn’t something that can ever truly go away. Yet she finds solace knowing she’s trying her hardest and doesn’t want to become like her mother. Sara takes it day by day and lives knowing that sometimes, that is enough. Sara looks out from her apartment window, admiring the view of London. Freyja calls out to her, holding their adopted infant daughter. Sara looks back and kisses her little angel.

Andrew looks at the last pack of cigarettes he ever bought. He keeps them around as a reminder of all the hardships he went through to find a way out of his hatred. And that way out was through love. Andrew steps out to his front lawn in Seattle to see his wife having a picnic with their kids. There isn’t a better place he wishes he could be. He sits down with them and for once, maybe forever, finds his peace.

Chris finishes his paper on the new renewable energy that hopes will change the world. He sighs and looks up to the ceiling where he is reminded that none of this would have happened if he didn’t break free. The plague inside his mind has withered away. Years ago he would have been afraid to pursue this dream. Now he only wishes he would have started sooner. Chris looks back down and stares at the vial of Winter he’s been researching. The potential is limitless.

The lake seems to be clearer than usual for Emily. She stares at it until she spaces out and loses her thoughts. It took her years to figure out what she wanted. Now she stands stronger than she’s ever been. A voice calls after her from behind. Elizabeth Grace runs up to her mother and is shocked by how pretty the lake is today. Emily realizes that this is where she belonged all along and is thankful that the promise was eventually kept.

Cody holds his son’s hand as they walk on the soft summer grass. The road to this moment has been harsh. The road has even come close to crumble underneath them. Cody recalls a time where everything seemed to be so quiet. A time where it would only mask the panic and strain in his life. It’s only been a few years, but Cody walks with his son to the future he fought so hard to keep.

And I was only eighteen.

I was only eighteen when they found my bleeding body on the ground.

The trees were still green. I was so alone. I was sure of what I’ve seen and known. All that was really left was ashes and stone. The town was too silent to talk back. Too haunted to ever care back. It felt so much like a dream. I felt so free with the gun in my hand. I used to be eighteen. Felt so lost and scared. My heart had been crushed. The future seemed so dark with no way out. The rain made everything so calm. My eyes were burning and your mouth was dry. I just wanted everything to end.

I used to be eighteen.

I know who you’re going to be. I know how scared you must be. Your heart and mind are breaking as he wished. You’re scrambling inside for it all to make sense. You’re crumbling up just to breathe. You’re afraid of who you are. You hate the things that you’ve done. You want to be just a kid again. You want to escape as you stare down to the ground.

Now I stand where you fell.

I wish I could show you how much you’ve grown.