Sara: Final

I wake up with that dread that always seems to follow me. Depression isn’t something you can’t really ever get over. We can endure it and mask it, but it’ll never go away. It’s been a while since I woke up feeling like this.

By the time I’m truly up, Grace has already gone out for the day and Andrew is on his way with Jerrica. Andrew is truly happy, I can tell just by the way his energy feels when he enters the house. He’s calm which is something new. Jerrica is truly the best thing to ever happen to him. My mom can’t help but probe her with hundreds of questions about my brother. She thinks of him as a son just as I’m her daughter. This moment is all I could want. Maybe now, it’ll happen more often.

Once we’re free, I make Andrew take us to our biological mother’s grave. I make sure I thank Jerrica for loving my brother with the love he deserves. He’s been fighting for so long that I thought his soul wouldn’t be saved in time. Knowing he’s in good hands gives me the drive to put a smile on my face. And as much as I would like to spend the entire day with my brother, I have something I have to do for myself.

Freyja had invited me for lunch with her parents the day prior. I’ve only had lunch with them a handful of times, each one a bit less awkward than the last. But this time it’s different. I’m not feeling my best and Freyja’s father is dying. My anxiety is too high.

Freyja greets me at her door with her mother. Her mom is the most accepting of our sexuality. She doesn’t fully understand it, but she tries her best. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her that I almost had forgotten that this is how Freyja will look when we’re older.

Inside the living room is her father. He’s lost his hair and skin complexion. I feel bad. When Freyja and I first started dating, he blamed his cancer on our relationship. The only reason why he came around was that we accidentally had a heart to heart when we talked in his church. He saw I wasn’t so awful. He never accepted our relationship and only tolerated it. It made any time we talked uncomfortable.

“Sara, it's great to see you!” He greets me with a hug.

Freyja is just as surprised as I am. “It’s good to see you again,” I reply as Freyja’s father gently lets me go. “I hope things are well,” Shit. That was stupid of me to say.

He just smiles, “All is well, now.”

We sit down at the dining table. Freyja’s mother has made some Italian-style lasagna that has me foaming in the mouth. I notice that Freyja’s brother isn’t with us but I guess Alex has better things to do.

I get to catch up on the lives of the Elledge family. Alex is going to Seattle University while Freyja stays to tend the church. Freyja herself is transferring to the University of Washington but she tells me she’s taking an off-year to stay home. Freyja’s parents are currently looking for a Minister to replace Finn.

It’s weird. They’re acting like Finn isn’t dying. I feel bad for being a bit uncomfortable. There’s not even talk about our relationship. It’s almost as normal for them now. I don’t like it. Freyja looks at me and smiles and it assures me that everything is okay.

And that’s part of the problem. All families have their issues, I know this. The Elledge’s are seemingly the perfect family. Besides Freyja’s sexuality, they all get along just fine. Even now it seems like it’s no issue at all. It’s the family I always wanted growing up. A mother who understands me and cares for me even though we might disagree on things. A father who guides me and makes sure I stand strong.

Instead, I got a mother who was plagued by her own darkness and took it out on me. Instead, I got a father who stopped caring to the point where he decided to rape me. Now they’re both gone and I got a new family. I will always have Virginia and she selflessly decided to fill both of the roles I desperately needed. That thought alone puts the dread away for now.

Freyja’s father, Finn, pulls me aside while I get up to get a glass of water during a movie we decided to watch. He leans against the kitchen counter and says, “Y’know, it’s been a crazy year but I’m glad you’re here.”

“So am I.”

“No, I mean. I’m glad you’re giving another shot with my daughter. She deserves to have a light after I’m gone.”

I barely manage to stop the water from overflowing by the faucet. “So you’re not mad?”

Finn chuckles and shakes his head. “I’m the one who pushed Freyja to come and visit you. To win you back. Of course, she won’t tell you this. It’s just a hard time for all of us right now.”

“What changed your mind?”

“God,” he says so sincerely. “You were right.”

I remember the words I told him two years ago. I told him that God would want us to be happy and that it didn’t matter with who. “Oh.”

“Can you make a promise to a dying man? All I want is Freyja’s happiness and it’s clear to me that you’re that person.”

That’s all I want too, but, “I can’t promise that. I don’t just want to be someone who is just there to be used like a tool. I’m a person too.”

“I understand, but, Sara, a relationship takes the work of two. Freyja will also be there in your time of need. Was she not when you two first met? I think the two of you are strongest together.”

Those words hit hard. It’s approval to find that light I continuously chase. I think about my mom again. I’m the same as her. She couldn’t find solace in my father or her children. I’m afraid the same thing will happen to me.

But wouldn’t it just make me as weak as her if I didn’t try?

I have to try.

If I don’t, what's the point of living?

“I’ll try my best,” I say, finally taking a drink.

Finn smiles and I follow him back into the living room where we continue to watch the movie. I sit next to Freyja and she takes hold of my hand. Her mother notices and smiles.

This is it, right? This is what I’ve been fighting for. Even though being here is a bit uncomfortable it’s just because I’m not used to it. This is home. Everything I fought for has led me here. It led me back to Freyja. Everything I endured. All the abuse I put up with. Even when I ran away, even when I tried to commit suicide. Even when I was being held captive by Lyle and he tried to turn me into one of his little playthings. Even through all the hardships and struggles, I’m still here.

I’m alive.

“Are you okay?” Freyja whispers to me, wiping away a tear from my eye.

“Yeah,” I smile, “just fine.”

-

But things aren’t fine. Somewhere along the night, I get an odd text from Grace. She’s asking me to come to pick her up. It isn’t like her as she’s borrowing Virginia’s car today. It’s the first I ask before I even think about getting up from the couch. Besides, it’s pouring outside but Grace sends another text. She tells me that it broke down and it’s better to deal with it tomorrow.

I let Freyja know but she wants to come with. We excuse ourselves from her home and get in my car. I start it up while I wait for Grace to tell me where she’s at. A minute later, she texts that she’s at the abandoned house where my brother threw the party that changed everyone’s lives. What’s she doing over there?

“The abandoned house?” Freyja also asks. “Isn’t that where-”

“Yeah,” I cut her off. I don’t think she’s ever been there. Freyja was so devastated by Elizabeth’s death. I wonder how things would have turned out if she was at the party, to begin with. “She’s probably just smoking with her friends.”

The rain is incredibly violent tonight. As I drive through the night road the wipers can barely keep up with the rain. It’s so hard to see. “Slow down,” Freyja tells me.

I don’t know. Something doesn’t feel right about this. I pull over for a second and text my brother. I tell him where I’m going in case anything happens. The energy in the air; it feels wrong. I have a really bad feeling. This never happens. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.

My brother texts back telling me to be careful and that he loves me. This isn’t like him either.

“Hey, Sara?”

“Yeah?”

“What did my dad talk to you about?”

The street lights disappear as I turn into the dirt road that leads to the abandoned house. Everything becomes pitch black. “He wanted me to be there for you, that’s it.”

Freyja smiles at me, “It feels a little weird, doesn’t it? So much has happened over the weekend,” She giggles.

“Yeah,” I chuckle back. “But I’m glad. Some things are just meant to happen.”

Eventually, the car’s light reaches the abandoned house. There’s light coming from it. In the driveway, I spot Virginia’s car. The ominous energy around me gets even stronger. It’s almost supernatural how heavy it feels. Maybe it is supernatural. Freyja doesn’t feel it, but I do.

“I don’t like this,” I tell her.

“Just text her to come out.”

Right. I shoot the text but nothing happens. Grace doesn’t come out. After a few more minutes I try calling her but it goes straight to voicemail. I get even more anxious. I wait and wait but Grace never comes out. “Come on, let's go see what’s holding her up.”

I open the door and the rain becomes twice as loud the second I do. It’s so damn loud that it almost hurts. Under our umbrellas, we walk towards the house. The air around me gets heavier and heavier with each step I take.

I’m also reminded of the last time I was here. I remember all the drugs I would do just to feel something. I remember having to put on a charade of being straight just because I thought Andrew would hate me. There are red cups scattered throughout the driveway. Even three years later, kids are still using this spot to throw their parties.

I had so much fun here. Something is liberating about being able to do whatever I wanted without a care of what it did to me. I think Elizabeth called me the bleeding Snow White because she caught my nose bleeding from all the coke I’ve done that night. But that isn’t me anymore. It hasn’t been me for a very long time now. I’m different now.

I’m stronger.

I reach the front door and I don’t hear anybody. Maybe it’s because the rain is just too loud but I’m too anxious to believe that. I open the door and realize why everything felt so off about this. There isn’t any escape now. Three years of trying to forget just aren’t enough. The past will always catch up to you.

Three years is also enough time to remember what happened. Three years is enough time to know his voice, his face and his goals. He told me it all. He’s a monster who wants to bring out the worst in people so he can make them ‘his’. I was almost one of them. A chance to be somebody, a chance to have power. It was a chance to be free from my demons. It was all a lie.

And now I’m staring at the barrel of his gun.