Chris VI

Where do we go when we sleep?

Where do we go when you’re trapped in your own personal hell? Winter takes the warm away. Spring just brings rain. Summer took away our friend and Fall took what’s sane away. Graceful says there’s no hell harsher than a memory. What she means is we often dwell on what was good rather than looking forward to what could be better. I can’t say I disagree. She also says that imagining an afterlife is just a way to mend a broken heart.

She talks a lot; doesn’t really leave me alone it seems.

“Are you ready?” She says loading up the pipe. “Just relax, it’ll probably feel like hours but it’ll be quick just a few minutes.”

“Yeah, I know what DMT does.”

Graceful laughs, “Right, Mr. Genius. Whenever you’re ready,” She says handing me a pipe and lighter.

If I do this, will you see what I’ll see? Will you take the dive with me or will you still stay as the outside perspective? Sometimes I wish you could talk back, tell me something I don’t know. Will this help?

I take a deep breath as the sound of rain overpowers the gazebo we’re under. It’s like the rain is piercing through and it’ll destroy the ceiling at any moment. I light up the pipe, I smell plastic and it’s unlike anything I ever smoked. My lungs start to melt and I almost cough. I let go.

Something explodes.

I take a second.

Something collapses.

I take a third.

I’m ripped out of my body and launched into outer space. Everything starts to shake so violently it feels like the universe is splitting into space. The earth disappears as I’m now traveling through a tunnel and I’m hearing a train. Then nothing. It’s just nothingness.

Nothingness doesn’t exist

But it does.

I’m just a child and the nothingness explodes again. I’m falling. No, I’m being swallowed. No, I am falling and there’s nothing but geometry shapes in a kaleidoscope. Binary codes start to appear in front of me, then music appears. It’s almost angelic. I can’t describe it. I’m losing my mind. I’m dying. Is this death?

No.

I’m seeing the future again. It’s just like the dreams I had about that night three years ago. This time I’m seeing everything. It’s raining hard, almost too hard. It’s as the rain itself feels like bricks falling down. Everyone is outside the abandoned house where we held the party Elizabeth died at. Emily is on the ground, bleeding from her stomach. Sara is shot dead in the head next to her. Cody is crawling towards them, having two bullet holes in his chest. I’m on the other side of him, my throat slit. I’m dead too. Emily's sister, Jerrica is on the ground next to me crying. It looks like she’s been cut up. There’s another girl with her with a hole right in between her eyes. Finally, in front of everyone is Andrew kneeling on the ground to Lyle. He’s barely hanging on to consciousness. The only one missing from the picture is Grace.

Andrew starts to laugh then spits on Lyle. Nothing else happens but his throat being stabbed.

I’m seeing the future, aren’t I? This is destined to happen. This is soon. Too Soon. Everything goes white.

“You’re here early,” A voice says. It’s feminine, warming.

“Where am I?”

I stand in front of an empty field filled with nothing but flowers. There’s no sky, no sun. Everything is swallowed by a hue of a creamy navy blue color that shifts in shade constantly. The entity in front of me is almost formless. It’s faceless. It’s just energy. “Where is not the right question.”

Everything becomes clear in my mind, “Who are you?”

“Who is not the right question.”

It’s not why, or when, or what. I see myself standing in front of this entity now. Is that how I look? I’m just a child playing a part.

“Yes,” The entity says. “And you should not concern yourself with the outside perspective. You should not concern yourself with you.”

What?

“Here let me show you,” The entity shoots a beam right through me. My body starts to disintegrate and I watch as it disappears yet I’m still here. No. I is not the it. Transcendence happens. Eternity is here.

Life itself exists in its current state to prevent a tragedy.

The being called Chris Larsen is supposed to follow the flow of time to help the world fulfill its purpose. He spent so much time wondering about the intricacies of life and for what? It was just time wasted. Things could have been better if Chris just used his gift. Almost nobody is born destined in their life. And those who are destined in their life, it takes an absurd amount of will to change it. Elizabeth was one of those people. I’m destined to die now because she changed her fate.

There’s something more.

“Do you get it now?”

I’m back in this world again. “Yes.”

“Then you understand it is not your time.”

“Yes.”

I’m shot again through the beam the entity shoots again. This time it put me back into a tunnel well. I see every single star, nebula, world and all the magic of space. Everything is back to shapes as I’m stuck in this space while birds chirp and fly by.

I hear the rain again.

I’m back to my seat inside the gazebo. Graceful is holding my hand. My body feels weightless. I can’t.

I can’t remember what happened.

All I remember is my lungs melting and my head exploding. There was nothing but white. Did you see what happened?

Huh. Why am I talking to myself?

“You okay?” Graceful asks, letting go of my hand.

I look around and make sure everything is still here. Everything is still the same. The rain is still falling, the world is still quiet. “What happened?”

“Nothing, you tripped out. How was it?”

It was just whiteness. Why can’t I remember? “Where do you even get DMT that easily?”

“My brother is pretty handy when it comes to stuff like that. C’mon dude, how did it go? You all better?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.”

Graceful laughs, “Yeah, that’ll happen.”

I don’t feel any different. What about you? Do you remember what happened? Shit, I almost forgot about you. Am I better? Did doing more drugs help me out of my cage? It’s too early to tell. I’m still talking to you so I find that unlikely.

“I feel empty, but not in a bad way.”

“Clear Headed?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Just listen to whatever talked to you. You’ll follow the correct path soon enough.”

“How do you know?”

Graceful shrugs, “I don’t. But it’s better to have that hope than to live life thinking there isn’t any purpose. Tell me, what’s got you so worried about reality? Does a tree make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it?”

“No. We interpret the vibrations of the tree falling as sound. If nothing is around, it is just vibration.”

“Sound a little like that cage you’re trapped in. Reality works the same way, no?”

“Are you saying that my reality is just that? Mine?”

“I’m saying it’s yours to experience.”

Is she right? Of course, she’s right. I knew all about it for a while. Except it’s a lot harder in practice than in paper. I’m just stuck in the same place, this isn’t helping. My mind is trapped inside itself. How can you help something that can’t be helped?

“What I’m saying-” she pauses then laughs. “Shit I forgot who I’m talking to. Chris-” Graceful holds my hand. It’s warm. “You say nothing matters so why does it hurt?”

“Hurt?”

Graceful smiles. There’s such warmth behind it that something in me breaks. It’s a new feeling and an odd one. I don’t know what it is. “Yes, hurt. Tell me again, the night your friend died. You said you could've stopped her from getting her gun, that you just watched her do it. I don’t believe that what really happened?”

That night? Three years ago? “I was smoking a blunt outside. She ran up to the car where she had her purse. Elizabeth was staring at the gun. I stared back and let her walk inside.”

“Think carefully, Chris. Don’t let your sadness cloud your guilt,” Graceful says softly, almost like a mother. She wipes her thumb under my eyes and I see that they’re wet. I’m crying?

Why am I cry-

Shit.

I didn’t stare at Elizabeth that night. I didn’t let her walk in with the gun. I've just been telling myself that so I can feel less guilty about what happened. “I walked up to her after looking away at first, asked her what she was going to do.”

“What did she say?”

“She started to laugh. Said she was going to change this town. I told her it was a stupid idea and it’s better to use it on herself. ‘Great Idea, Don’t tell anyone,’ she said.”

“Chris-”

“She said she couldn’t live with herself and what she’s done.”

That’s right. I told her her death is the road to awe.

I remember now. The thing I saw. It takes an incredible amount of will to change destiny. Elizabeth was never supposed to die.

There’s only rain now.