Andrew VI

It doesn’t let go. It never let's go. The dreams of falling. The ghost that haunts me. The ghost that haunts Sara. The memories of our mother, the memories of before everything. Before her death, before my friend's death, before Lyle, before the drugs, before Elizabeth. She’s comforting.

Everything is adrift.

But not fake, there is no illusion. There is no big mess, there is no big parade. No big checks but it’s all we got. So when the ghost comes with open arms, you’ll see it, really see it. And accept it.

But it never let's go.

I take a shower and wack off so Jerrica doesn’t give me any urges during the wedding and then get dressed. Tonight is all about making a good impression, I can’t forget about that. But before all that I need to see some people.

I tell Jerrica where I’m going and she wishes me luck, but before I can leave Soran asks me if I have seen Emily. I tell him, no but she’s probably with Sara. The two spent all last night catching up, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re hanging out to get coffee or something.

But when I got to see Sara, Emily isn’t near. I have my suspicions but that isn’t my business. But seeing my sister is a nice change of pace. She’s grown up, Sara’s a woman now even though we’re 20. Funny, I remember her being shorter. But when she sees me, it’s as if I’ve come back from the dead. I suppose that’s a little bit true. It’s been far too long and everything is finally coming to a close.

“You’re an asshole, you know?” She tells me over our mother’s grave.

“Yeah, I know,” I chuckled. “Can you blame me? I’m head of heels for that woman.”

“You could have called and kept me updated on things. Maybe post on Facebook once in a while”

One of the benefits of never posting in social media is that nobody ever knows what you’re up to. It’s a good way to be at peace, although that’s not the reason why I never use it. “Mystery is part of the adventure, Sara.” I never posted because I was afraid Lyle would use it to track me down and hurt the people I care about.

“Don’t you have a wedding to go to?” She says.

I look up to my umbrella, “Yeah, which is why I have to get going. Listen, how about a day tomorrow. You and me?”

Sara grins like me, showing all of her pearly white teeth, “Sounds great!”

-

I get back to Jerrica’s where everyone is just leaving for the ceremony. Emily is back by the time I got there. I tell them I won't join them because I need to visit someone else. Soran offers to drive me because he can’t stand Christian churches for too long.

“Just be back soon, okay? Don’t bail out on me,” Jerrica tells me.

When I tell Soran where we’re going, he doesn’t question it. Instead, he asks, “Have you noticed anything about Emily lately? She’s been awfully quiet lately. She’s spacing out again.”

“Yeah, she’s always been like that.”

“Never like this, my friend.”

I try my best not to laugh. I just hope I’m wrong on what’s happening.

Once we arrive at the place, I ask Soran to stay inside the car.

It’s my first time here. I’ve always thought about it, always thought about what I was going to say. Someday we're just anger, others just wanted an explanation. Mostly, I just want to know the truth of what happened to Mom.

Inside, he’s withered and visually exhausted.

“How are you doing out there?”

“Fine, I suppose.”

“Where do you work?”

“With some people.”

“How old are you now?”

“You should know if you bothered to care.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” there is silence. “Do you have a girl? Is she nice and pretty?”

I nod. “Her name is Jerrica. Yeah, she is pretty and nice. She reminds me a lot about Mom, y’ know?” A bit more silence. “She still loves me even though I manage to fuck everything up.”

“You think this girl is the one?”

I scoff and try not to laugh. “I don’t remember a time where I wouldn’t give up everything just to be with someone. She’s a reminder that life will always get better just like with…”

“How is Sara?”

“You’re not allowed to speak about her.”

“Why not?”

“You know why, father.”

The old man chuckles, “hmm. As long as you have a good life, Andrew, then I’m happy.”

I half-smile. Like Dad ever cared. Well, I suppose prison has been good for him. He isn’t allowed to drink and has been given a lot of time to think. Maybe he has changed maybe he hasn’t. He’s still a goddamn monster.

“I’m glad you visited me. It’s been three years since I have seen you.”

Hmph, it’ll be another three after today.

“What are you up to? You’re dressed nice”

“I’m going to a wedding today.”

“Yeah? Whose?”

“The cousin of my girl’s.”

“Jerrica? I’m glad you found someone.”

“It’s what I do Dad.”

“Just don’t get into trouble, son. I don’t want you to lose Jerrica,” he pauses. “I don’t want you to lose her how I lost your Mom.”

There’s a strong silence. He knows he’s not supposed to talk about Mom. He knows after she died he became a shit father. I’m glad he’s in prison. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to… “How did it feel?”

“Feel what?”

“To lose the person you love the most.”

“It sent me here, didn’t it?” he chuckles. “It’s the worst pain in the world, son. I don’t want you to ever feel the same way I did.”

“I gotta go.”

“Andy.” He stops me right before I stand up. “This might be the last time we talk. I know you won’t ever come back after today. Just…have a safe day, Andy.”

Nobody calls me Andy, yet I’m not mad at him. I get it, it’s done. Loose ends are tying up. I just have to finish mine. He stares at me. His eyes are the same as mine, disgustingly brown. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have my mom’s blue eyes, like Sara. This guy, my father, lifts the phone and moves it towards the wall.

“Hey wait!”

He stalls and puts the phone back to his ear. “Yes, son?”

Son. Huh. I bite my lip, unsure of how to ask. Closure, we all need closure. Mom was never the happy person we remember. “Why did...Why did Mom kill herself?” There’s silence and my father looks down. “Sara and I, we all put her in a fucking pedestal, but it was never like that, was it?”

He sighs, “No. No, it wasn’t.”

“Then what? What happened?”

“She was sick. Uh, mental illness. It’s been like that ever since I’ve known her. I’ve always dealt with it, you know. When you and Sara were born, she seemed happy. I thought that was the end of it.”

“Obviously not.”

“I don’t know, it was dormant for seven years. Angelica was incredibly good at faking it with you two. Listen, Andy, I did the best I could.”

“It wasn’t enough.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t enough!” This is what I need. “You didn’t save her! That was your only job!”

“Listen An-”

“No, Dad. You listen. You let her die. You knew. You knew and yet you still let it fuck you up. It fucking destroyed you and you took out on us. And you gave no fucks. You gave no fucks and it taught me not to give one either. And you know what? That’s what really fucked up us, more than mom ever did.”

“Andrew….there are no words.”

“Do you even remember when Sara ran away?,” I shake my head, “You didn’t care, right? When I was out there, every fucking night, right? I spent every waking moment fucking looking for her while you just lied on your couch passed out drunk. And when I finally fucking found her, a slave for Lyle that he used for whatever the fuck, that’s when I connect the dots.” I wipe my face with my palm. “The look from Sara’s that day. It was the same as Mom’s when she died. Dad, Sara’s got mom’s sickness and it’s gone now, yeah? But It’ll come back. So just fucking tell me how to save her when it comes back. I saw her today, she was so happy to see me. It made realize that Sara is exactly like Mom. I need to be there for her, I can't be out of her life anymore.”

He looks at his hands for a while. “I think there isn’t anything you can do,” he sighs. “I think the only thing I regret,” he pauses again. “The night she died, that was the night I decided to be selfish. Angelica asked me to stay and watch your kids, but I went ahead to get drinks with some friends. I guess, I thought one night was fine. It ate me up inside. I’m sorry,” and for the first time, I believe him.

I arrive at the church where I’m supposed to be at. Soran steps out of the car first. “You okay?” he asks when I get out. I look around and get the eerie feeling I’m being watched. It wouldn’t surprise me.

“Just fine.”

Everyone has just about taken their seats. Emily and Jerrica reserved the front seats just for us but they aren’t there yet. Soran comments on how they’re probably with the bride. Two minutes later the thing starts. The groom comes in then the bride. Emily and Jerrica sneak their way in by the side, away from the camera’s and people’s eyesight. Jerrica notices me and mouths out to me, “What happened?” all worried.

“I went to see my Dad,” I answer after the ceremony.

“What why?!”

I shrug. “I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow. Today is about celebration.”

“Hmm, okay…” She says unsure of herself. But that’s fine, It’s only natural that she’s worried. And that’s fine as long as she accepts that today isn’t a good day to talk about it.

But fuck, weddings are such a bummer. I’m usually able to stand them for a couple of songs but today for some reason I can only last one. I go outside the reception ball for a smoke break. I go back in, dance a song with Jerrica, meet some of her family and go back outside for a smoke break. I go in, eat with Jerrica, Emily, and Soran, make jokes, laugh and then go back outside for a smoke break. Soran comes out, asks for a smoke and tells me that a lot of people are talking about my manners.

These weddings man, they bum me out. Weddings should be grand, filled with all sorts of fun shit. Fuck these slow dancing, and just talking for a reception. For our wedding, I’m choreographing a duo dance for me and Jer. It’s been difficult to get the moves to fit with the overall pace of the song but it’s getting there. The way I have it pictured in my head looks fucking amazing. I think about how I would never even think about that three years ago. But so much has happened, and all I can say now is that Jerrica saved me. She saved me, there isn’t any other way to put that.

Jerrica still needs to know what I am. It wouldn’t be fair to her to never know what I’ve done. I think about telling her all the time. I think about how she will leave me when I do.

“You should stop smoking. I don’t like ash flavored kisses,” she whines then smiles during a dance.

“It’s an ongoing process, babe.”

“Yeah, I know. And thanks again… I know it’s hard on you making all these changes for me,” she says kissing me.

Everyone freaks for all of the sudden and there are gasps everywhere. We can’t see anything but the whispers around us say that some guy is having a heart attack. I push people out of the way so I can get the view.

Some fat guy on the floor clutching his heart and his wife is freaking the fuck out. “That’s no way to go,” I say to myself. Everyone around me is freaking out, but not me. I guess I’m more fucked up than I thought. I’ve seen people die way too much, maybe I was the cause of some of them too. Either way, I don’t feel anything for this fat piece of shit.

Cody once told me that everyone deserves to die either smiling or singing. “On my deathbed, I’m going out singing,” he said. I never understood Cody for saying that; with a big wide smile on his face. It was as if everything else didn’t matter.

I guess if I were to die I would want to die with a smile on my face too.

I have seen too much death in my life. My mentor was killed in front of me. I killed someone for something as little over 100 dollars. Shit, even Elizabeth killed for Lyle. It’s a fucked up thing. I’m just too much of a fuck up to live a good life. It’s the ghost that keeps haunting me and it’s catching up to me quick.

Jerrica finds me and gasps when she sees what I’m seeing. We get to leave early because of it.

“I feel awful,” Jerrica says on the drive back home. “I hope nothing like that ruins our wedding.”

“The universe is a random thing, Jerbear.”

“It’s just- I never seen someone die before. I’m not going to sleep tonight, I just know it.”

“You’ll get used to it?” Look over to the heavy rain that’s falling down on my window. It’s nothing but tenebrosity.

“Andy?”

“Yeah?”

“Is everything okay?”