Emily VI

His voice is pure anger.

Cody is dripping with sweat and his combed back bangs now overtake his eyes. His passion in his words energizes the crowd. Then all of a sudden the tone of the song change with Sara’s acoustic guitar.

He’s calm. Cody drowns himself every night with whiskey. The burn is almost too much to bear but eventually, it goes down smooth. Cody then wakes up in the middle of the day dry heaving. He gets ready for the day and repeats the process all over again. He’s in love with whiskey. It brings him the slow pain that he deserves and eventually soothes him to death.

Part of me thinks this is about me. Soran thinks the way Cody incorporates punk and rap is prodigal. They’re catchy and damn entertaining that’s for sure.

My sister gives me a smug look after the song’s over. “You okay?” She asks.

A new song starts to play, “This is called Memoirs of Abraham Lincoln.” It’s about the modern racism that everyone encounters ever so subtly. Yet Cody's words have a way to make it seem that it’s still about me. An outcast who never fitted in. it’s haunting really.

Sara hasn’t noticed us. She looks good. I didn’t expect to see her here out of all the places but a lot of things change in three years.

But Cody notices me. His eyes don’t leave me. They’re intense, hungry, and angry. It’s uncomfortable so I take Soran to the bar. I buy myself a drink, then Soran buys me another. No alcohol.

Grace notices only after we came back for the second part of the show. We haven’t had the chance to talk much as she tends to get into Cody’s music. She almost treats me like a stranger. We’ve been standing in front of her the entire time and I never even noticed. She’s grown into the person I saw when I first met her. I smile at her and she goes back to vibing with the music.

“This next song will never be in an album,” Cody tells the audience. “It’s called Petrichor.”

The song. It’s about me. Sara starts the song slowly, then the drums kick in.

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t even breathe.

“You okay?” Soran asks when we get outside. “We can go home if you like.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” I lie. This is all too much. Coming back to Washington was a mistake. Coming to this show was a mistake.

My sister slams open the doors and rushes to my side. “Ems, are you having a panic attack?!”

I laugh, “No. It’s okay, I just wanted some fresh air.”

Somehow, I know my sister doubts that. She’s becoming a lawyer so she’s getting good at catching people’s bullshit. “Do you want to sit down?”

I nod and take my sister's hand to sit down on the sidewalk. Soran joins us a moment later. “It’s not too late to go home,” he suggests.

I shake my head. That wouldn’t solve anything. Part of the reason why I’m here is to face my demons. They’re always active whether we like them or not. It’s those unconscious habits, repressed memories, those urges that seem primal or the insecurities we create for ourselves. It doesn’t matter if we run or hide from them, they’re always there right behind you. It’s what drives us, it’s what drives me. It doesn’t matter what I want.

When the show is over, Andrew is the first one out the doors. He’s hungry and whines for iHop which is right across the street. I don’t even know how Jerrica can but up with him all the time. Still, I am hungry so we all comply.

We mistakenly spend too much talking outside because out of nowhere, Andrew spots his sister. She’s with Cody and Grace and some other girl.

-

He stares at me with such fierce intensity, as if he was a leopard watching his next kill. I stare back and no one seems to be noticing. They’re all too busy catching up, having fun. At some point, Andrew leaves to take a smoke. Grace then excuses herself to the bathroom. There isn't much talk so I’m forced to break my eye contact.

I start to participate a bit more and answer some of Sara’s questions. They’re almost always about New York and college. More importantly, I learn Sara is doing well. She’s healthy.

Cody continues to pierce me with his eyes whenever he can. It’s almost intoxicating. It’s distracting. This facade of being friendly right now can only go on for so long. Maybe there will be a comment or a gesture that’ll make me lose it. Or maybe he’ll lose it.

It’s like we’re playing a game of cat and mouse.

I can’t think straight.

When Andrew and Grace are back, Soran gets a phone call from his job that he has to take outside. Cody almost disappears like a ghost right after. Sara’s eyes widen. “What do you think is going to happen?” She asks.

Andrew snorts, “Probably nothing,”

“I don’t know babes, guys talk too.”

I look back to where Soran is outside. Cody waits for him to finish his phone call.

-

I ask what Soran talked about with Cody on the drive back to my Dad’s. He just tells me that Cody just asked if I was happy. I’ve half spaced out when he talks so I don’t catch the rest. Why does Cody care? It’s a slow drive. A quiet one as well.

Cody wouldn’t have just asked for my happiness. It’s never been his style. He would’ve and should’ve gotten into Soran’s mind. I somehow find him able to manipulate Soran. Cody wouldn’t just let it go like that, I know him. I have known him my entire life.

“Aw shit,” I say when I open the front door. “I forgot my purse at the stupid place,” I lie. I didn’t bring my purse to the show in the first place. “Toss me the keys; I’m going to run back so I can get it,” I say to my sister.

“Hurry back,” Both my boyfriend and sister say.

A good relaxing drive later, I’m back. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I have a good life. I’m happy and have everything I ever dreamed of.

Cody mentioned he was going to the bar down the street to meet up with his bandmates while saying our goodbyes. This is where I find him. Cody is sitting with three of his friends, the people who do the live performance for him. Cody excuses himself before I could get anywhere near him. He walks towards me with a small smile like he was expecting him. Did he plan all of this?

Why do I care so much? I love Soran. I have to marry him. That’s how my life is planned now. That’s how we decided it to be in one more year. Just one more year and I’ll be engaged. He promised.

“Emily, what are you doing here?” he asks like he doesn’t know. Maybe he doesn’t. He shakes his head before I can answer. “Never mind that, let me buy you a drink.”

“Cody I have to ask you something,” I say following him to the main bar.

“Shoot,” he says to me. “A long island ice tea and a hard shot of Jack Daniels.”

“What did you talk about with Soran?”

Cody chuckles, “You came all this way just to ask me that? Are you worried that I said something? If you want to know, then take the drink coming up in a bit.”

“What kind of deal is that?”

“A simple one.”

I sigh. I really, really don’t want too but one drink shouldn’t hurt too bad. “Fine,” the bartender hands us the drinks Cody ordered. Cody looks at me and shrugs while taking his shot. I have no choice but to start to drink. I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t but I need it “Now tell me.”

“We just talked. Soran is a really cool guy. You’re a really lucky girl, Emily. I can tell he loves you a lot.”

“What does that mean?” I say finishing my drink. I can already feel the buzz kicking. There’s a burn in my stomach. I knew this was a bad idea.

“It means we talked like two guys talk. We got to know each other, that’s it.” he laughs. “Do you want to tell me the real reason why you’re here then, Emily?”

“I…” I stop myself from something probably stupid. “I don’t know.”

Cody smiles and nods like a little kid with his eyes closed. “It’s been a while…”

“Yeah,” I don’t hesitate.

Cody is drunk or phased. He starts playing with his fingers on the table, simulating a fight with his hands. “What are you doing?” I laugh. “You’re acting like a little kid.”

Cody orders another drink. “Hey, remember when we used to say we’ll spend our adult lives in a bar like a sitcom?.”

“Yeah, that was over seven years ago,” I giggle.

“I miss those times. We were so little back then. You didn’t have boobs then.” Cody jokes and laughs and acts like a little kid and acts like his old self and…and…and….why?

“Shut up!” I laugh. “You were a scrawny little white boy!”

Cody chuckles. “Times sure change. Um hey! Are you happy?” he asks but quickly shakes his head like he’s the 12-year-old undecided Cody. “Shit, where’s my drink?”

I smile, then frown, then smile again, then frown again. I don’t understand why Cody is acting like this. Is he trying to show me something? But before I can say anything Cody gets his drink and slides it over to me.

“Are you happy?” He asks in a calmer, more serious tone.

“Yeah, I am, Code,” I answer.

“Then you don’t need me or that old Cody, Emily.”

Is this what he was trying to show me something. “Why?!” I snap. Why does Cody always have to reject me? I’m tired. I’m tired of it all. “I can’t bel…”

Cody cuts me off by laughing. “I’m sorry I’m just bullshitting you. I’m happy you’re happy, Emily.”

I sigh and scratch my eyes. “That was a cruel joke.” Cruel jokes are Cody’s specialty. I can’t help but giggle. “Are you just fucking with me, Cody?” I say after a second of thinking everything over.

Cody smiles, grins and smiles and half-smiles and then laughs. “No, I’m not fucking with you. I’m just a bit drunk so I don’t really know what I’m saying. What am I saying?”

I sigh and close my eyes. I can feel the slight buzz and I wonder if it’s really good for me. Maybe it would be for one day. Just one day wouldn’t hurt. Something in me, maybe my inner teenage girl who is still in me makes me laugh. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Not enough apparently,” he chuckles. He takes a long drink from the alcohol that I haven’t been drinking. “You should’ve drunk more. It loosens you up.”

“No, I don’t drink anymore.”

Cody takes another drink. “You know I’m actually jealous?”

“Oh? Of what?”

“Of you. Of Soran, of your life. He told me everything,” he chuckles. “I’m jealous that you’re happy.”

“And you’re not?”

“No,” he begins to slur, then takes another drink. “You think I’m happy?”

I giggle, “Yeah, you seem to have a good life. You’re a great artist, you live alone, you’re single I assume and everything looks good in life.”

Cody laughs. “Yeah, life's good. The treehouse isn’t falling apart anymore, my pay gets me through the bills and I live a good life.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Cody keeps a straight smile and mumbles something without looking at me. He takes another drink and makes a face like he’s disgusted. Cody glares at my eyes and smiles. “It doesn’t matter,” he says trying burp

“Did you put alcohol in your drink?!” I try to joke.

Cody half smiles and nods. “Emily, remember the time where we first got drunk?” Yeah of course I remember. “God that was such a bad night. You threw up all over me!” Cody laughs.

The memory makes me laugh. “Cody, we were 12!”

“I held everything down, you were a weak drinker. But yeah, you were twelve. I liked twelve-year-old Emily,”

“Liked?” I chuckle. “What changed?”

Cody places his hands over his chest and pulls them outward. “You grew tits,” he laughs.

I laugh and I do something I haven’t done since I was just a girl: snort. “Oh my god, Cody! You don’t like my breasts?!”

Cody shakes his head vigorously with a grin. “I like em, er, like I'm a tiny bit small…er,”

“And here I thought everyone likes bigger breasts.” We’re joking, my breasts are pretty small.

“I’m not everyone, Emily, you should know that by now,” he says in his normal, adult, serious voice without slurring.

“Why aren’t you calling me Ems?”

I drink the last of what he orders because he’s getting too drunk. He’s being a mess so I try to take him home. He stumbles onto the sidewalk. I trip and fall and we laugh. I can feel the last drink hitting me. I really shouldn’t have done that. But Cody is much more gone than I am.

“Are you in college?”

“Two years ago, I went when Sara entered Community. I dropped out when it wasn’t for me.”

-

“My label is sending me on tour after my second album launches. I’ll be gone for a few months traveling the country.”

“Oh really? Maybe I can visit when you do a show in New York.”

-

“I’ve been trying out this diet for a few months…”

“Diets are for fucking…pussies,” he laughs.

-

“You should work out,” I giggle.

“No, lifting the equipment is enough. You’re the one who should work out. You’re getting fat,” he jokes, knowing far too well I am at my physically weakest right now.

I smack him on his chest. “You ass!”

-

“The part of the treehouse that I don’t want to finish is still pending. We can finish it. You want to help? I haven’t asked anyone yet it’ll be just the two of us.”

“Yeah, yeah, I could come.”

-

Emily, what are doing? You’re drunk, you shouldn’t be drinking and it’s almost midnight. You shouldn’t be thinking about Cody. You haven’t thought about Cody in two years. Soran is who you love now. What the hell are you doing? He called you four times already. You should be at home.

Just tell him you’re with Sara.

“The night is hazy and lines are written pretty lazy, but listen to me pretty lady because tonight the whiskey eyes are rolling like crazy. I become a junkie and I’ve become an artist but what about you? Are you still the smartest. Shit. Fuck. That was bad.”

“No, no, that was fine, I liked it.”

“No, no because you deserve the best.”

“Why?”

Cody smiles.

The smile is returned. On the corner of the street right beside my parked car. I’m still good enough to drive, I think. Cody’s hair is finally out of his eyes thanks to me. He pulls it back again but that annoying strand of hair hanging off his bang is still there.

“Because you’re still my Ems.”

His apartment isn’t even far. It’s a few blocks away. We could’ve walked. Soran calls, checking up on me. Cody stays quiet as I tell him I ran into Sara and I’m spending time with her. Shit, Why, why, why!

Cody sit’s down on his bed with a grin. “Thanks for taking me home.”

“Can you sing me the song from tonight? The one about me?”

-

“You're hanging me by the throat

You seemed to be so alone but you stopped knocking cuz I'm not home

We left off with the pretend kiss

We couldn't stay friends, pretty little miss

Caught on to my wind, Now we're facing each other again

We can't win when you come back like this

I can't hold back for the words that make the tension quite thick

I was nothing but trouble when we lied to each other to stay platonic

When we touched one another when the time came upon it

All those years with the built-up urges

We got when I kissed your bottom lip for the first time and it made you nervous

That's how you preferred it

But I always held back

And I can now tell you that I know that I

I'm still In love with you

But I'm your dark night

Even when the sun's gone

Deep in the daylight

I don't know what made it came back

Maybe when you said you aren't in love

Something like that

It wasn't like your love never intrigued me

There was never a drop of you I wouldn't drink freely

You were my speakeasy

I can say it a lot

Like that night that I, died from a gunshot

When you cried in my arms but it was different from any other time before

I learned you can't push when you pull this rope

Ems, that was when I asked for your ring size

And asked for your soul so I can see the garden on the inside,

I can still hear your breathing

When my head rested on your chest and what was beneath us deepens

But we always held back,

And I can now tell you that you know that

His voice is soft

I'm still In love with you

But I'm your dark night

Even when the sun's gone

Deep in the daylight

I don't know what made it came back

Maybe when you said you aren't in love

Something like that

I'm still In love with you

But I'm your dark night

Even when the sun's gone

Deep in the daylight

I don't know what made it came back

And you can tell me to move on

I don't know what made it came back

I'm still In love with you

Through the sunshine and the desert and the years

It's been three years now

Through the spring and the rain and the years

It's been three years now and I'm still right here and I

It's been three years now and I'm still right here and I…

I still love you.

-

Cody’s scuffed beard pokes and scratches my face. It feels like Soran’s beard but not as carefully trimmed. Yeah, that’s right; Soran. Is this the right thing to do? Do I still care for Cody? The scratching feels good.

“Do you remember?” he says.

Our first kiss? Our first night? Our first promise and our first fight? I remember all of that. I can’t decide whether or not I should care about that anymore.

All I can think about is Soran. His hard smile, hard jaw, beautiful brown glowing eyes, his strong muscular body and sweet, caring and understanding personality; all of that is the only thing I can think about.

“God I want you,” he whispers.

His bed is incredibly soft and I sink right in. I can’t think anymore. I can’t do anything anymore but just give it. Everything feels like I’m being pulled down and making weak. Aluminum is strong and flexible, but aluminum can always rip with just enough force.

The shirts are off, the pants are off, and everything is going smoothly. Cody knows, Cody knows a lot about me but I was just a teen and didn’t know my body that well. But he tries, and he’s careful. He’s drunk but he’s still careful even after everything that has ever happened between us. I’m drunk and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Cody shouldn’t give a shit about me anymore.

Why are we doing this?

He feels every inch of my body slowly with just his finger touch. He plays with me, teases me and makes me crave it more just how I like it. He laughs, tells me he’s going to fuck me so hard I’m going to die screaming, and holds my throat down and it just feels so…damn…good. His eyes are burning red. I don’t know if it’s passion or anger but I hope it’s the former.

He moves slowly until I tell him to go faster and harder. He knows everything, how does he know everything? It's just not possible.

Shit, what the fuck am I doing?

I’m cheating on Soran. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck!

My mind drifts to only three months ago. Soran was in bed next to me discussing what we want. Everything now was about we, there was no he and there was no me either. “Yeah I want three kids, I always wanted three kids,” I said.

“You know I don’t like kids,” he chuckles. “But maybe I could learn y’ know? Maybe one is good enough.”

“You think we’re ready?”

“Yeah, just give me six months and I’ll propose to you. I promise, Ems Baby. I just won't tell you when or how.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” I grinned, and then kissed him.

Something brings me back to when I was a little kid. I had this diary that I would write in almost every day. Cody and I never talked about it, maybe because it’s painful for both of us, but there was a time where I was dying. I was 10, and that journal was the only thing that gave me the courage to say what I wanted.

I still remember some of it, but not the exact dates. Although I’m positive it all took place during fall.

Today is the first day of fall and I can’t wait until the leaves fall. It’s my favorite season. Everyone hates it a school because it’s right behind winter but I don’t consider that a real reason.

I like how the leaves change. It gives me a purpose through all this pain. Last night it rained. Dad said rain is required for gain. Whatever that means.

It’s starting to hurt to write. My dad is trying to do everything to make it right. I lost feeling in my left arm today. The doctors asked if I could see a light. I told them no, I lied.

Cody came today to visit me! He promised if I get better he’ll take me to the sea. But as of today, I can’t see. Cody told me the last project I turned in at school and got a C. I feel bad that I didn’t get a B. Cody is cute; he’s worried because the surgery is tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

I came out okay. Before the surgery, Cody gave me a fall leaf that’s still with me. Looking at it makes me wonder why this world so full of hate. Cody said he was coming today, but he’s late. There’s nothing I can do but to wait.

I’m finally back home. Cody said that If I died he would’ve mourned. I don’t know about that but it was a special night, like something inside me was born. It was nice to see Cody there with me but it still felt like my eyes were being torn. I can still remember the day our friendship was formed…

We went out trick or treating. All of us. Well, not mom. She and Dad have been fighting. Cody, Dad, Jerrica, and Travis took me out for the first time since I got home. I felt fine.

It’s been a while I…

Sick…

It’s the last day of fall. I feel so weak like I’m going to…….fall.

Love, Emily

I don’t know why I’m thinking about it now. That sickness made our parents get a divorce. It almost killed me. It ruins my life for weeks every year. It makes me weak like how I am now. This is who I am now.

Maybe It’s the same now. What I’m doing now, this… I’m ruining my life again. This time it’s in my control, but I'm still doing it. I’m an idiot. I can’t do this…

Soran save me…