Grace V

Felix comes in to gank as Lee Sin just as I turn level 6 with Ahri. He comes from below, lands his Q goes in and kicks the enemy Azir into me. Before the Azir can react I land my charm on him and kill him with my Q.

“Good shit,” he compliments me over Discord.

“You too. Uh, Rek'sai is coming.”

Rek’sai tries to come in and kill me as I have 100 hp but I use my ultimate to make my way out of her gank and Felix engages and I combo it with all of my abilities and kill her to get a double. “GG,” Felix says.

And he’s right. After those two kills, I start to snowball the game as I come down bot and get another kill. We group for dragon and Felix dies getting it but I end up killing Rek’sai and Azir again. After those kills I completely take over the game and the opponent's surrender at 20 minutes. It finally happened.

“How does it feel?” Felix asks.

I don’t know. I see the promotion to Master on my screen but it feels like a dream. I’m just a couple of weeks away from hitting my goal of getting Challenger. “It’s uh, good. I guess.”

Felix laughs, “C’mon, I thought you’d be happier.”

“It feels surreal.”

“Well duh, Congrats. Want to go another game?”

“I don’t know. I’m tired, besides, Sara is going to be home any minute so we can go to Cody’s show.”

“Oh right, that’s tonight.”

“What are you up to tonight?” I say playing around with my profile in League. Master. It took me way too long to get here. It should have been last year.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you?”

“What?”

“I’m coming back to Darkwood tomorrow, so I’m packing tonight,” He chuckles.

“Oh really! That’s great. For how long?”

“I’m just coming for business, but we should hang out when I’m free. Sounds good?”

“Yeah,” I smile.

Felix is the one who tells me I have the confidence I need to be cool. He’s the one who believed in me when everyone tried to put me down. It’ll be nice to hang out, we haven’t actually done so. “So what happened with Alex? He say anything?”

“No, that guy code is total bullshit. He believes Jacob over me, can you believe that?”

“Well, maybe it’s a good thing.”

“How so?”

“Maybe it’s the fates that keeping you from getting the things you want and instead are waiting for what you need. Kind of weird that you’ve tried a lot and each time something happens to stop you.”

“Yeah-”

“Maybe it’s time to stop looking at what’s in front of you.”

I stay quiet while I change the song on my computer. Maybe Felix is right. I’m not meant to lose my virginity if something is always going to happen to stop it. Sara tells me I’m what’s everything golden in this town. I’m proof of the beauty and innocence of Darkwood. She says this despite knowing I do coke, that I do drugs. She tried stopping me before but once she moved out, she couldn’t control me anymore.

I’m not innocent anymore. I don’t want to be.

I’m going to college in a month and there’s still a lot of things I need to learn. I’m too nervous. I’ll have to get a job, pay taxes, worry about money. It’s too stressful and I don’t want any of that.

If only I can prove to myself that I can be who I want to be.

“Can I tell you something about myself?” Felix breaks the silence. We’ve been playing League together for three years and he hardly talks about herself. I know he lives in Chicago now with his sister and niece but that’s it.

“Yeah.”

“Ever since I was little, I always wanted to change the world. It didn’t matter if it was for the better or worse, I just wanted to leave my mark in history. My mom, evil as she was, always believed that I was destined to do so. And all through my entire life, fate has guided me into receiving the tools to be able to do the things I want. Sure I worked for some of it, but fate landed me to be in the right place at the right time.”

“Your mom was evil?”

“Yeah. She would beat my sister and me whenever we messed up. She neglected us a lot too.”

“I’m sorry. Then what happened?”

“I waited. I waited until a fateful day where I was able to obtain the one thing that will change the world. It took years for me to be able to connect all the strings to be able to use it, then everything was ripped away from me. I lost nearly everything. But I knew, I knew if I just followed my fate that I’ll get everything I wanted again. Destiny always arrives when it should.”

“So what should I do?”

“Wait and see what happens,” Felix says. “So you’re not down for another?”

“Nah,” I sigh. “I’m gonna go, I have to get ready for the show.”

“Have fun then, see ya soon.”

“Bye.”

The call disconnects. I look over at the time and it’s going to get dark soon. Shit, I should shower and get ready. I start to take my shirt off as I walk out of my room when Sara knocks. “It’s time to go, c’mon!”

I put my shirt back down. “It’s it a bit early?” I ask her.

-

I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s slightly awkward that Emily is staring at Cody from time to time. It’s not much, but I can catch it. It’s better that I do not say anything.

It’s even more awkward that Andrew is engaged to Emily’s sister. That easily becomes the biggest surprise that I have witnessed. A total plot twist. It was weird that Andrew went to New York in the first place, and now we know why. Still, he looks happy. There’s something about Jerrica and Andrew that makes sense. Andrew isn’t a wild animal anymore.

“My brother was actually tamed! What a miracle! You two are so cute together, oh my god,” Sara laughs.

“Thanks,” Jerrica chuckles.

Andrew rolls his eyes and looks away. He’s bad at hiding his smile. See that’s what I want, I just want to be with someone that will be by my side no matter what. I have never been in love. Sara tells me it’s like an invisible force that drives you to care about someone without even questioning it. Yeah, I never felt that way.

Everyone starts to order and I notice Emily and Cody get the same thing.

It’s an odd feeling. Almost everyone is here. Everyone except Chris but he’s a shut-in who hardly goes out anymore. I wonder what it’s like; to be trapped in your mind. Like, how do you cure yourself? The source of the problem is your thoughts in the first place. I wish he were here. He would call out the awkwardness that exists within the table.

The awkwardness only increases when Andrew decides he wants to have a cigarette. I look at Sara and tell her I’m going to the bathroom. That’s a lie. I just really want to talk to Andrew. It’s been so long that I never got to ask the question I always wanted to ask.

I find him already mid inhale. “What’s up, Grace?”

“Hey.”

“You want one?” he offers, pointing his cigarette at me.

I shake my head, “I don’t smoke cigarettes,” I pause. “So you really are engaged huh?”

“Last time I checked, yeah.”

“Is this a prank?” I almost laugh.

Andrew chuckles then take a drag, “Why would it be? The world is a complex place, Grace. You sure have grown into a little hottie. Almost didn’t recognize ya,”

“Thanks,” I smile, then frown. “Hey listen,” I pause while I wait for him to take another drag. “Remember when you took me to the rave and gave me ecstasy?”

“What about it?”

“When we were about to leave. I was letting you...why didn’t you?”

Andrew stares at me without expression. He drops the cigarette and puts it out with his foot. “You’re asking me this now? Don’t tell me you have a thing-”

“No. I just want to know.”

“I don’t know. Something inside me stopped me. Shit,” he laughs. “I thought I was going crazy too. It’s just-there’s somethings you don’t mess with.”

“Like?”

“Fuck, If I knew that I would have told you just now. Why are you asking now?”

Because I’m still a goddamn virgin and it’s pissing me off. It’s like it’s being protected by a divine being for no reason at all. “I’m just-”

Andrew chuckles but doesn’t say anything.

“I don’t know. It’s just I always wondered.”

Andrew’s chuckle becomes a laugh, “You’re hysterical, Gracie-kun. I’m heading back inside. Don’t overthink it too much, it’s in the past.” He puts his hands in his pockets and walks inside.

I look up to the drizzling rain. Overthinking should be my middle name.

-

I sit silently in the backseat as Sara drives Freyja and me back home. The two are reconnecting, as it should. Those two were great together. They feel complete when they’re around each other. I was sad when they lost touch.

See, that’s the thing that I want. I want someone who can make me complete. I’m lonely. I have all these people constantly around me and I still feel alone. It’s a constant feeling of wanting to belong but it doesn’t matter how much I try. Often I wonder how many people feel this way.

Feeling alone.

Being scared of the future, of responsibility. I’m not ready. I have been trying, but I’m not ready.

It’s everywhere I go. It touched my friend once or twice. I thought about it at least once. I thought I would lose my mind. It teases me with its sweet relief. But still, I’m not ready.

Oh death, flirting with everyone around me.