Andrew V

I head over to a gas station to buy a pack of smokes. My girlfriend hates it, but I don’t have to see her for a while. What she doesn’t know, won’t kill her. I smoke two while I walk down the streets to find something to do before I go back to Darkwood. The city hasn’t changed much over the past two years. Once the rain starts to get a bit heavier, I realize that it’s gonna get wild real soon so time to go back to Darkwood. The cab prices still haven’t changed either. I get off at my old house, now abandoned. It hasn’t started to rain here, which is nice, I guess. I break in because technically, it’s still mine. My mother’s painting is still on the ceiling but ruined so it’s hard to tell the finer details. It’s still beautiful.

I go to my old room and flip over my mattress. Surprisingly, an old bag of coke is still there. Useful, but I don’t need it anymore. It’s wasted money as it’s flushed down to the sewers. No more.

In Sara’s room, there’s even more in closet, plus a bag of pills that I don’t recognize. There’s nothing in my father’s room, just empty bottles.

It’s raining by the time I go outside and don’t have a choice but to walk to my girl’s house. She’s expecting me back soon and I rather not have her be mad. It’s not far and I haven’t even been to the place in four years. The house is still the same, again, nothing changes. “Where’s your dad?” I say walking in like it’s my own home. The girl is preparing lunch for us. I made it back in time. She’s still wasting time trying to find something to watch.

“Oh, visiting Samantha. She’s really stressed about the wedding.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

She shakes her head and heads over to the kitchen. “Honestly I've never been close with Sam so it wouldn’t be right. Do you want anything?”

“Sex?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No,” she laughs. The fucking cute laugh she makes gets me every time. “We literally fucked yesterday morning. Keep it in your pants until later tonight.”

“Yo, since when you’re withholding?”

“Uh, since you came in unannounced. It’s nice but you should’ve knocked. What do if Dad was here? He hates you.”

I chuckle. “A lot of people hate me, Jess.”

“Andrew,” she sighs. “I know you’re doing it on purpose. It’s Jer.”

She loves it when I give her attitude. “Whatever, Jerrica.”

Jerrica Crowe. My only goddamn fucking saint and savior. Three years ago I would’ve ended the world just for my pleasure. She fucking came into my life and fucked everything up. I hate her for that. I guess I’m also grateful because now I’ll end the world for her.

Jerrica wears a white flora sundress with her now strawberry blonde hair that blends in with her very few freckles. She smiles at me with her thin and always juicy lips. If everything I’ve ever done drives her away, then I deserve it. I deserve to die. I’ve realized that now. All the things I’ve done are enough for me to deserve death. Jerrica says I’m only being too hard on myself. Everyone who I know would know she’s too good for me.“I love you, Andrew,” she says every night and every night I believe her and I’m not sure why. Jerrica truly loves me and I just let it be like that and only because I love her back.

It is fucking bullshit gay saying that word; love. It feels like I’m in some gay shit like how Cody described the feeling to me once. It is surreal.

“What I feel for you shouldn’t feel this weird, ‘innit?” I asked her a year, six months, two weeks and a day after I first met her. It was only six months after we were dating. I said ‘I love you’ first.

Jerrica giggled and kissed me only after holding my hand in bed. “Yeah, I think the feeling is supposed to be like that. You’re really cute when you’re like this, you know that right, baby?”

“Oh shut the fuck up, no I’m not, Jerrica. Don’t you ever fucking call me cute. I don’t do cute.”

Jerrica giggled. “And there you go fucking up the moment again. You know I don’t like it when you talk like that.”

“Hmph, I’m sorry, Babes,”

This girl feels like she feels that empty void in me. It makes me want to marry her. I suck it all up for her but sometimes it’s just so hard. With that dragging me down, it feels like this wedding would be impossible just because I feel like I can’t keep up with appearances. But Jerrica seems to be happy with me, so I live with it. If Jerrica wants a boring-ass white wedding, she can have it but a God I don’t believe me help me that I will do everything in my power to make it the best boring ass wedding ever made. The fucking cops will show up and party with us. That’s just how awesome I’ll make it.

One night she said, “I know why you love me, Andrew.”

“Why is that?” I chuckled at her, eager to hear her answer.

“Because I get under your skin. I’m the only person that brings out the sensitive side in you and you love it. I’m the only one who knows who you are when you don’t even know. You love me because I’m the only one to ever break you,” she said. “Andrew, you love me because you allow yourself to accept that.”

I laughed. “How does that work?”

“Simple,” she giggled. “Because I get you, Andrew. I love everything about you. I love the way you act, the way you talk, the way you don’t treat anyone differently, even me, and I love the way you accept my craziness and everything that’s wrong with me. We’re the polar opposites of each other and you and I both love that.”

“We fight all the time.”

“And that’s what makes us the greatest. And you love me because I am the only person who you’ve cried to…” she smiled and kissed me.

God, I fucking love this woman.

Things are good and although I know all of her secrets, she doesn’t know all of mine. She knows who I am, she accepts it but if she would know what I’ve done, I think I would lose her. There’s only so much Jerrica could put up with.

She smiles at me with her stupid sundress. I hate this woman. “Come on,” she says, snapping me back into reality by tossing a piece of Trix cereal on my head. “Let's go eat.”

I stare at her dumb ass face while she serves the meat for us a the dining table. I’m not even hungry but her company is all I need. Jerrica rambles on about the Wedding tomorrow. It’s the only reason why she’s in Washington right now. She talks about who’s all going to be there and all the wild cards. Apparently, I’m one of them, since I’m going now. I never agreed to but, whatever.

“Is everything okay, Andrew?” she asks, putting me back into focus. I guess being back in Washington feels weird.

“Uh yeah, just not used to being back here yet.”

“Well yeah, it’s been what? Two years? It’s like being revived from the dead, isn’t it?”

“Bitch, please. It’s unfathomable to try and understand me, stop trying already, Jer-bear.”

She laughs. I like it when she laughs when I say dumb shit like that. I’ve no idea why she puts up with it. I guess she knows that I never mean any of it. It’s just how I turned out to be.

In truth, Jerrica has been trying to get me to come back for the longest time. She says that I need to confront my past and come to terms with it. Not with my sister, we’re on good terms even though we never talk; but with my father, dead mother, Elizabeth and everything I ever did in this town. Jerrica knows all this and only wants to help. I’m just too stubborn.

“Y’know, Seattle isn’t that bad of a city. It’s a lot easier to get places. I wouldn’t mind us moving together back here.”

It catches me a bit off guard. We’ve been dating for two years now, ever since I moved to New York City. But we’ve known each other for three. We talked almost daily while I was living with Grace and Sara for my Senior year. Once I graduated, I was done, that was it. Jerrica asked me to move to New York to be closer to her, so I did. We live together in her apartment. Now she’s saying she wants to move here. She’s testing me, isn’t she?

“Bellevue is a real nice place,” I answered her with my fork still holding a slice of of the delicious chicken she made mid-air.

Jerrica becomes surprised, “Really?! So you’re not against the idea?”

I chuckle, “Why would I?”

“Andrew…”

“What?”

“Andrew.”

“Jerrica, do you want us to move? Cuz I’ll marry your ass and move here to fuck this state up.”

She half-smiles and starts to eat, not looking at me. “Are you even picking up what I'm saying, Andy?”

Andy. Now that’s a name I haven’t been called in years. No, only my mom ever called me that. Jerrica never calls me that. I kind of like it. “Of course I do, Babe. I’m not a fucking idiot.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” The disappointment in her voice is obvious. “Everything is a big joke for you.”

The smile on me drops. “Of course not.”

“Than what are you serious about? Because since the moment I met you, you just make everything a joke.”

“You. Of course, it’s always been you. Are you actually stupid? Don’t mock me, Jerrica.”

She scoffs, setting down her fork and crossing her arms. “No, I’ve never been. You have this cold exterior that pushes everyone away, even myself sometimes. It overpowers the warmness inside so I find that very hard to believe.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Andrew!”

“Jerrica, how many times have I told you that I love you? I meant every single one of them. So shut the fuck up and stop doubting me. I love you, Jerrica.”

“Why do I find that so hard to believe…”

“Jerrica, will you marry me?”

“W-wha?”

“I’m not gonna repeat myself.”

-

I didn’t plan on proposing to her like that. I was planning on it, soon actually. Maybe after the wedding when we’re all going home. Maybe back in New York. Everyone likes to make it a big event, like it’s some deal. Nah, I prefer my shit to be simple. It’s the way Jerrica prefers things too.

She got her ring and she’s happy, ecstatic throughout the day.

It’s all Emily’s talking about right before Cody’s show starts. She wanted me to be super-duper romantic and all the business. It’s obvious that she’s just trying to mask her nervousness.

Then the show starts and things settle down. Soran doesn’t notice it, I don’t even think Jerrica does either, but Emily is staring so intensely at Cody’s performance. I don’t blame her, the kid’s good. He puts on a good show.

But my sister man who knew she had musical talent. She’s a beauty up there. Her aura is from a much more confident woman than when I left her. I'm proud. I can’t wait to surprise her bitch ass.

I pull Jerrica to the bar so we can buy a few drinks, well, she does. I’m still 20, sadly. While she gets me a beer, Cody changes the mood. His next song is so damn obvious about Emily. I look over to where she’s standing with Soran. That little Grace girl is standing next to them. Well, not so little anymore. Emily turns around too quick and heads towards the exit, Soran follows. I guess Emily’s song was too much for her.

“Where’s Ems?” Jerrica asks when the song is over.

I drink my glass in one go, “She went outside.”

“Shit,” Jerrica exclaims before excusing herself before me.

Ems is having a panic attack probably. Soran and Jerrica can handle it. I just want to stand here and admire how grown my sister has become. On later songs, she sings some harmonics and her voice punches me in the gut. It sounds so much like moms. She looks even more like her now, but she isn’t. Sara is kind, compassionate and stronger. She’ll never be like that devil.

When the show’s over, I meet up with my crew outside.

-

Sara looks like she just saw a fucking ghost. It’s hilarious and I’m glad Jer finds it funny too. Grace is almost just as shocked as her, with Cody not caring much. Freyja is the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Wha-Whe-Why?!” Sara almost shouts.

“Just today,” Jerrica giggles, showing off her ring. It’s probably the least expensive thing on her. I had to work to get the money to buy that for her. She doesn’t let me use any of the money I earned doing Lyle’s jobs on her.

Cody starts to chuckle, “Dude you’re not even out of school yet.”

I shrug like I always do. “Shit man, don’t worry about the details.”

“What he means is that it’s not going to happen any time soon. We have all the time in the world to figure something out,” Jerrica explains for me then holds my hand under the table.

“Wow, congratulation!” Grace smiles.

“Yeah, congrats,” Freyja adds.

“Geez, finally,” I roll my eyes. “‘Least someone’s happy.”

Sara sighs then giggles, “Did you seriously keep this from me all this time just so you can do this?”

“Yup,” Jerrica and I say in unison.

“You guys are idiots,” she laughs. “Congrats. I would’ve had never thought.

I take a glance at Cody. He’s staring at Emily and she’s staring back. Does nobody else notice this? Sara starts talking to Jerrica about us. I look over at Freyja. She’s nervous too. I thought Sara and her broke up unless they’re back together now. Nah, they’re not acting like a couple. They just reunited again.

“No, no. He’s still very much an asshole, but I’m just an asshole back to him,” Jerrica says.

“Psh, you wish.”

Jerrica starts to laugh, “My pussy has you smitten.”

There’s a collective “Woah!” from the group.

“Jess,” I say to get under her skin, “you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Jerrica shrugs he left shoulder while taking a drink of her water, “What? You know it’s true and don’t pretend you’re not either, cause sir, I have a ring on my finger.”

Sara starts to laugh. “Oh my god!” She laughs even harder to the point where she has to hold herself by grabbing Freyja. “My brother was actually tamed! What a miracle! You two are so cute together, oh my god.”

“Thanks,” Jerrica chuckles.

Sara’s right. Jerrica doesn’t just let me do whatever I want. She fights back, she’s fierce like a growing thunderstorm. Jerrica right now is the only person that can hurt me, and that’s what I’m so afraid of.

Me. Andrew. Afraid.

But I’m afraid that one day she’ll leave me. One day she just won’t be able to handle me anymore, or worse, I won’t be able to handle her. She’ll learn what I’ve done and then she’ll leave. That’s what I’m so afraid of.

The image still hasn’t left my head.

The image of the man I shot dead just because he owed some dude some money.