Chris IV

Are you seeing what I’m seeing?

Good. It’s been a couple of crazy months. I don’t know when I woke up but they tell me it’s been about a year. Now I’m finally home where I can eat some decent food and not be on medication the entire time. Mom has let go of everything just to take care of me. For once she treats me like a son and not just a boy who lives in her house. She still runs her business but now she hardly leaves the house so she’s sure I’m okay. But I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. Everything I do makes things worse. It doesn’t matter if I take action or not, bad things always happen because of me. It’s better if I live in solitude in my room.

“Who are you talking to, man?” My swordtail fish says. Mom bought it for me to keep me company since I hardly leave my room. I never actually gave him a name.

I know, I know. Fish can’t talk, but I’m crazy, remember?

“You know there’s no one there. Why they gotta give me the crazy ones. Man, a fish can’t ever just live in peace.”

“But you live in peace. You’re alone in a fishbowl without nothing to worry about.” I say getting up from my bed and walking over to the fishbowl. The swordtail fish is looking directly at me.

“Man! This ain't living! What’s the point in life if there isn’t something to pursue?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Dreams, man! I have dreams! A fish can’t live in solitude without the romance of adventure. I ain't no different than dead here!”

I tap on the fishbowl and the swordtail swims around in circles. “Do you want me to take you to the river?”

“Hell no!”

“Why not?”

“Do you know what those river fish will do to a brotha’ like me? I’m better off here, don’t have to worry about nothing.”

“I’m confused. You say this is no life for a fish but you don’t want to leave?”

The fish stops moving and turns to me. It’s stare is cold. You must think I’m nuts. “Freedom isn’t limited to walls. Besides, existence is bliss and if you're bound by your walls there’s going to be a lot that you’ll miss.”

“I mean, life seems to be more peaceful when confined to the mind. I don’t have to be blinded by evil.”

The swordtail fish starts laughing. “Man,” he laughs on and on without taking a breath.

I put up my middle finger.

“You’re a funny dude for being such a thinker,” he boldly proclaims. “It’s too bad.”

“How can someone think too much?”

“Your mind reminds me a lot like this glass box you keep me in. It’s just a two by four glass box, you just have a slightly different reality frame. You’re trapped ‘cause you been convinced you cannot change. Insanity always lingers, thinking just brings you to the brink,” the fish continues to laugh. Mr. Fish pushes himself against the glass, “Break yourself from your chains.”

I pull back and realize that my breath is heavy. I look back at Mr. Fish and he’s swimming around no longer laughing. Did that just happen? Did you hear all of that? Tell me you saw that.

I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy.

What do you do when you try to do free someone from their chains but it only hurts someone else? I haven’t seen Marina since I freed her. She was in trouble and I had the means to help her so why did my friend get shot? Why did I dream of it happening before it even happened? Is time not linear?

What do you think of all of this? What am I supposed to do? I’m responsible for Elizabeth’s suicide, I could have stopped it. I’m responsible for sticking around Lyle, helping him make money just so I can be selfish and explore the metaphysical consciousness. I drugged Grace just to see what would happen. It subconsciously made her want more. Now this thing with Marina, everything I do and don’t do just leads to shit. How do you know what decision is best? Am I that delusion with the world that I don’t know what’s ethical?

Mr. Fish is right. If I think about this too much I’ll go insane. There isn’t a point in staying in my four by four-room, this isn’t living. I put on my green parka and open the door to my room. I look back at the fishbowl, Mr. Fish is staring at me.

Mom’s downstairs making food. She never used to make food, she would leave that to the maid. “Chris? Where you headed?”

“Cody’s,” I lie.

Cody doesn’t live in Darkwood anymore. He has an apartment in Seattle that I go to from time to time. Mom doesn’t know that so it’s a good excuse but how can good can it be when I’m 21 and I still have to lie to her.

I don’t know what pulls me to Elizabeth’s grave but it does. This is where I end up. I haven’t been here so it takes me a while to find it. I’m the only one who didn’t go to her funeral. Elizabeth Wilson, it reads. Beloved daughter and friend to all. There are two roses on the grave, one’s withered and the other has been freshly placed.

The human soul has a natural flow that doesn’t ask to go, it just pulls. It’s why I’m here right? I’ve been where no conscious mind has so I know when it pulls. Lyle liked to talk about destiny a lot, maybe he was able to feel the pull too.

I know why I’m here before she can even say, “Chris?” Why did I know she was here?

I look back and Emily is walking towards me. It’s been three years, the last time I saw her she was bleeding out in the parking lot of the town fair. Cody told me how after that night, Emily cut out everything about Darkwood. She was supposed to leave everything behind for good, so why is she here?

“Emily…”

“Chris! Holy shit! Last I heard you were in a mental hospital, are you okay?”

“They let me go last year. I’ve been fine.”

Emily hasn’t changed much in three years. Her hair’s longer than I remember and it’s no longer dyed a darker red. Her fashion sense is worse, or better depending on how you look at it. I don’t care about that, but to give you a visual, she’s wearing a yellow plaid shirt under denim overalls and black timberland boots.

“I’m so glad, what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

Emily giggles, “You and I both.”

There’s a brief moment of silence because I don’t know what to say. I look at Elizabeth’s grave and back at Emily’s. “I’m sorry I got you shot.”

Emily smiles, “It’s fine, dude. I’m over it. It wasn’t your fault anyway. I’m only in town for my cousin’s wedding. I don’t plan to stick around for long.”

“Yeah, I heard you left. Has it been better? You’re not mad at me?”

Emily’s smile is contagious. I never believed Cody but he’s right. “Nah,” she shakes her head. “What happened, happened.”

“So why’d you leave?”

“The town’s cursed, Chris. I only hope I don’t get shot again in the next four days,” Emily laughs nervously. “Honestly, I never even wanted to come back but my sister convinced me. Monday can’t come soon enough.”

Do you see what’s happening? Maybe this is destiny happening in front of my eyes. Something tells me that something is going to happen in these next four days. You feel it too, don’t you? It’s why you’ve been observing the entire time. You want to see how this all ends. I do too.

I have been forgiven. All this time I’ve been feeling guilty over what happened to Emily and she doesn’t even care anymore. Is this what Mr. Fish was talking about? Is forgiven really what’s all I need.

“No, silly,” Emily says with a smile. “It’s not all you need. You need to start living too, break free.”

“What? How can you hear what I’m thinking?”

The world around us starts to flood. I look down and the water is surrounding us fast but Emily doesn’t seem to mind, she just continues to smile. It doesn’t take long for us to be chest-deep in water, then we’re completely underwater but I’m still able to breathe. What’s going on?

“Don’t you see?”

I look around and the world is completely engulfed in water. There’s something in the distance and I start to walk towards it. It’s blurry and only gets bigger as I get closer. I look back at Emily and she’s not there. Was she never there to begin with? Fuck, I really am crazy.

I look back and walk closer.

Oh. Right.

I’m just a fish.