Jerrica

Emily gets up from the couch after finishing her phone call to Soran. She’s ecstatic about him. I don’t blame her, everyone wants a piece of him and somehow she managed to capture the phoenix. She’s falling in love with him and it’s a beautiful thing to watch, especially when I haven’t been in love myself. Then I watch her tear herself apart because she doesn’t know what to do about Cody.

She asks me for advice. She thinks just because I dated Cody’s brother that I would know what to do. I was not as close to Travis as Emily is to Cody. Travis as I just drifted apart after high school, there was nothing else to it. Emily and Cody are just drifting apart now and there isn’t anything wrong with that.

“I’m going over to Grace’s. Tell dad I’ll be home by dark.” Emily leaves without giving me a chance to tell that dad isn’t coming home until dark anyway.

It’s whatever anyways, I was leaving too.

I only happened to run into Andrew once. He’s just as uninhibited as Emily always said he was. He’s just as soft too, Andrew just doesn’t want to admit it. When I met him at the Diner, he initiated a game that I want to keep playing. He’s a lot smarter than I thought he was. Andrew thinks he can keep me out, but I'd like to prove him wrong. That’s the game we’re playing now.

It only took me three weeks to get him alone again. It’s the talk of the town. Andrew’s and Sara’s father was arrested and there are too many rumors to know which one is true. Even Emily is uncertain of what happened. All we know is that Sara is still living with Grace and Andrew’s been out in the streets. It’s no wonder why it’s been so hard to come into contact with Andrew.

We meet again at the diner. This time he’s the one who finds me. I don’t bother to look at him when he arrives. I have to make it look like I’m not interested and that way he’ll try harder. Andrew doesn’t say anything and just watches me browse Reddit through my phone.

“Aren’t you a bit curious?” I ask him after there’s a full minute of nothing.

“I just don't know why you want to go at it at a public place like this? You think the bathroom’s clear?”

Andrew jokes. He’s always joking so he can hide his insecurities. It’s these jokes that get him so far in life. He does it with so much confidence that it’s charming. I can see why he thinks he can get away with it. It almost makes me laugh. It’s cute.

“This again, does it ever get old?”

“I’m not the one texting you asking to hang out. Comes out a bit desperate, no?”

“Hey, it got you here, didn’t it?”

“Only because I haven’t had a shag in a minute. So we doing this or nah?”

I put my phone down and look ast Andrew for the first time. He’s dirty and hasn’t showered. He’s hair is shaggy and unkempt. Yet he’s still smirking like there isn’t a thing wrong in the world. Anyone else and I would think they’re crazy. “Fine, get the key to the bathroom and I’ll join you a minute later. You better bring your A-game, I expect nothing less.”

Andrew is a rational being regardless of his actions. He doesn’t actually believe his lines would work on me. I’m right, Andrew relaxes himself and sighs. “Cut the bullshit, why am I here?”

“I don’t know, why are you?”

Andrew only shrugs his left shoulder. “I don’t know, you want to piss me off. You get off on it?”

“Maybe,“ I laugh. “How have you been? You’ve been the talk of the town lately. It’s not often someone gets arrested in this town.”

Andrew examines me. The bullshit was cut, he’s interested now. This is good, I can get him vulnerable now. “My dad’s a piece of shit. Good riddance, if you ask me.”

“You aren’t scared?”

“Nah,” Andrew chuckles. “Grace’s mom offered to let me stay with them until I graduate. Pretty neat, huh? How everything works out like that?”

“Wow, that’s great!”

“I said no.”

“What? Why?”

The waitress comes around and asks if we’re ready to order. Andrew orders his coffee straight black and nothing else. I haven’t had anything to eat for the entire day so I get myself some eggs with hashbrowns with a side of orange juice.

“I don’t need to be pampered, I can take care of myself,” he says but I don’t believe him. The way he said it feels like he’s hiding something behind his words. It’s almost as he’s scared.

“I don’t know,” I sigh. “Seems like it’s a good shot to get your shit together.”

“Whatever.”

“So why are you here, Andrew?”

Andrew laughs. It’s as obnoxious as ever. “What we’re doing this again? You trying to get in my head again? Look it was cute the first time, now it’s just sad. Why do you give a shit so much?” he relaxes on the seat and crosses his arms. “Seems to me that you’re just bored.”

I haven’t questioned it. Why am I so interested in this kid? I mean he’s the that had a thing for my sister and that’s what got her in the car accident. Have I been lying to myself?

“Didn’t I tell you before? I want to know who you really are, behind the fake bravado.”

“Yeah, but why?”

I think about it. Andrew’s a criminal and getting to know how complex this one is beneficial to being a criminal lawyer. This is how I justify it. I’m not lying to myself. “What if I just find you cute?” I laugh.

Andrew chuckles too. “Y’know that's the first thing you said that hasn’t pissed me off.”

“How do you do it, Andrew? There’s an entire world that wants your bravado and yet you pull it off so effortlessly. There isn’t a person in the world like you.”

“I’m flattered,” He smirks.

Andrew gets his coffee. The waitress tells me that my food is just five minutes away and thanks me for my patience. I watch Andrew gulp down his cup in go. I cringe when I see the hot fumes of smoke coming out of his mouth he’s done.

“You’re nuts.”

“Thanks,” Andrew laughs again but coughs a bit after. He winces then composes himself. “Kinda hurts.”

“I bet.” I catch myself smiling. I didn’t think I would catch myself enjoying this conversation.

Andrew’s smiling but calm. He’s relaxed and he’s enjoying himself too. Maybe I got this whole thing wrong. I have been talking to him like he’s a case when really I should have been listening to him as a friend. Andrew’s is cute. If he wasn’t such an asshole and reckless I could see myself liking him.

“So what have you been up to? You’re a mess.”

Andrew snickers. “Living, surviving, saving turtles.” Andrew looks over to someone who enters the diner. Its nobody I know and nobody Andrew knows because he turns his head back to me. “Y’know, the dream.”

“Saving turtles?” I laugh. “That’s the dream?”

Andrew only shrugs his left shoulder again and smiles, “is that not the dream?

“No, no, you’re right. That is the dream,” I’m still laughing. Andrew’s ridiculous.

My food gets here and Andrew doesn’t hesitate to steal some of my hashbrowns. I slap his wrist when he tries to do it a second time. He tries again a minute later when asks me if accepting Grace’s mom’s offer. I slap his hand a bit harder as I tell him it's the only option.

But he says it’s complicated. Nothing is ever simple, I know that. I try to get Andrew to talk about it but he dodges the question. He talks like it won’t matter after tomorrow. It’s a bit concerning but Andrew doesn’t seem worried about it. That’s his thing though, he hides it well.

There’s a lot of fear behind it all, I can tell.

Maybe I can tell because Mom is the same. She talks a lot of confidence but really moving to New York and getting away from Darkwood was the scariest thing she ever did. She had no idea if she was good enough to keep her job and make it there, especially when she had to support me. I have seen all her bills those first few months and I tried talking to her about them once. Gosh, her smile never wavered and I never doubted her once. I only ever found out how scared she was when I read a text she sent to Dad.

That’s when I found out there divorce was more amicable than I thought. All I remember is how constantly they fought. I don’t even remember why, whenever they did I just locked myself in my room and listened to music. Emily always went over to Cody’s. Mom and Dad never gave a reason, they just told us. Mom wanted to go to New York and I had just broken up with Travis. We had just graduated and I didn’t have a college lined up so I went with her. It seemed like a good idea back then, now I see it was the best thing I could have ever done.

I kept Mom sane. I kept her motivated enough to provide for us. That fear that she had, it drove her and she never wanted to see her weak again. It worked. I admire that woman and I only hope I can be as strong as her.

Maybe that’s why I’m so interested in Andrew.

He makes me laugh again and this time it feels like he’s squeezing my heart.

“So what, you hang out with all the preppy rich white boys then?” Andrew asks. “They’re all so woke and all have ideas on how to change the world.”

“Hmm, not quite. They all have ideas on how much money they won’t make because of the little bullshit that happens to them. They’re all quite boring, really.”

“Oh, like you’re not like them with your Prada bag, shit even that Burberry coat you have is worth more than anything I have. That top, what is that, Chloe?”

I subconsciously look at my clothing. Shit, I already look at myself so there isn’t a point of hiding it. Funny how sometimes you mold yourself to a lifestyle just to fit in that you forget where you come from. It’s something Emily has called me out on a few times but I don’t ever listen. Emily’s ever-present hipster look reminds me how little she cares about being liked by her peers. It’s something I failed to do. “What about it?” I answer.

Andrew just smirks and steals more of my hash browns.

“Are you calling me a hypocrite?”

“I didn’t say shit.”

“Sure sounds like it.”

“Bitch, all I’m saying you’re no better than the losers who make everything so personal on the internet,” Andrew’s tone is negative all of the sudden. It makes me back off a bit. “It’s one opinion or no opinion, a totalitarianism view of the world.”

“What do you mean?”

“Y’know what I mean.”

I laugh a bit. I don’t know where Andrew is going with this. “I actually don’t, Andy.”

“Don’t call me Andy,” he says stealing another more hashbrowns. “What I mean is that a lot of people want to change the world to have one universal outlook in the world. Everyone wants acceptance and if you can’t accept that then you’re the devil.”

“And what’s wrong with wanting everyone to be accepted?”

“Ain’t nothing wrong with it but it’s the human condition, Jerrica. There’s just some shit that ain't meant to be figured out.”

“Mhmm, and I don’t agree?”

Andrew smirks and waves his hand, “Would it be so crazy that I’m okay with that?”

“No.”

Andrew’s smile doesn’t leave my eyes. I wonder why he doesn’t want to be called Andy. I want to ask but he’ll just deflect it with a joke. He tries to steal more hashbrowns but I slap his hand away again.

At this point, it doesn’t matter what we talk about. Andrew is just so fascinating to hear him talk. He has such a bleak but optimistic view of the world. He’s so stupid but at the same time much smarter than he leads on. At one point I get a text and I finally check the time. We’ve been here for two hours just talking about nothing.

At one point Andrew goes on a tangent about the color theory on Breaking Bad. I haven’t ever seen the show much the way Andrew articulates each character’s color is so fascinating. Andrew spends 20 minutes just explaining the plot so he can tell me that pink represents death whenever it shows up.

Eventually, our time together has come to an end. Andrew stares at me while I try to say goodbye outside the diner. I never really noticed how cold his eyes are. They seemed so different inside. Now it just seems he’s hurting, he’s in pain. He’s been in pain for so long.

Andrew is so beautiful.

-

I meant to say goodbye. I wanted to get to know him and how he ticks. Andrew aura attracted me since the moment I laid my eyes on him. Now I see why.

I didn’t plan to be here, I didn’t plan on doing this. I wonder if this was all part of his plan. It doesn’t matter, I think. This is how things progressed I guess.

I just never thought I would be fucking Andrew in the room I grew up in. How did I get here? What am I doing? Why am I enjoying it so much? It’s rough and intense and far more different than anything I had before. He’s an animal and acts like this is his last meal. I love it.

Then it changes. It’s out of nowhere and a shock. Andrew just stops and kisses me sensually. He lifts himself and stares me back. “What?” I ask him.

Andrew smirks and starts to laugh. It’s funny and ridiculous that this happened. I realize that Andrew didn’t plan this. I start to laugh too because well, I never thought I would be this spontaneous. I’m confident sure, I know what I want but I just never thought this would happen.

My heart is being wrapped around by a warm cloth blanket in a New York winter day. I absolutely adore it.