Virginia

Most of the time I wish my little girl, Gracie would have grown up with a father. I’ve been on my own for a decade and two years. I don’t know how to raise a kid; I can only do from the examples from my parents. I know how Grace is going to end up for the most part. A high school is a harsh place. It was for me. The more I see of Grace’s friends and the kids around town, the more I regret moving here. I’m slowly watching my little girl fade away but I know it’s just part of life. All I have to be the best mother I can be.

But the feeling of losing a daughter granted me another, Sara. She was untrustworthy, unpredictable, emotional and a delinquent when she came into my house. I still remember the day where her brother begged me to take her in. He said it’s the only way she could be kept alive. I often wonder where we would all be if I turned her away.

It’s was only when we had a one on one with her is when I allowed her to stay. It was an interview for her. But I managed to learn almost everything that’s been going on with Sara. She wasn’t afraid to be honest. I was scared at first when I learned that she was a coke addict. That was saying that my daughter will go down the same path. Sara, however, proved to me that she’s trying to change. She even offered to give up her privacy rights just so I can make sure she’s being clean. Sara also told me about her not so happy family life between her brother and father. The whole reason why she came here was to get away from their constant fighting but I know there’s something else. I just know there is and by best guess is abuse.

Somewhere along the line, I don’t remember when exactly, I visited Sara’s home. It made me realize that I made the right decision to let her stay with us. I talked to her father and he couldn’t care less if I was taking care of Sara. He’s nothing but a drunk. His brother wasn’t much better although I know he cares a lot more than he lets on. I feel bad for him, mostly.

Sara helps me out with everything and often cleans the house for me when I’m out working late. It took me months to get rid of her punk girl's look and give her a normal girl's appearance. She wasn’t happy with it at first but she quickly realized it made her feel like she’s a new person. Sara added a conversation between Grace and me and made the house louder at times.

It soon became apparent that Sara wasn’t stable and that she was suffering from massive depression. I once found her unable to get out of bed for an entire week just because she didn’t feel like it. On the days where I came home from lunch break, I would often catch her crying in her room and wouldn’t stop for an hour. I wanted her to get some professional help but Grace’s psychologist leaves me with no room to spend extra money.

Seeing how nice this girl was made me start to connect with her more. As the days passed, we talked more personally and she became more open with me. It came down to the point where she can talk to me about everything. I became a sort of her outlet. All her secrets are safe with me except I always get the feeling that she’s always keeping me away from something.

Then after all of that and a few months of her living with me, it felt like Sara was my child. I used to never wake up during Sara’s nightmares but now it’s a regular motherly thing I do to make sure she’s safe.

I swear Sara is someone special if I ever met one. She doesn’t deserve all the fighting she’s been enduring.

While all of this has been happening, Grace has only become more distant. My mom tells me that this is normal and it always happens. “You hated me for the first three years of high school,” She jokes when I asked her about it. It’s been so long that I hardly remember.

I just feel that she’s going to turn to the path that Sara once took. I see how she hangs around her friends in her year. I see how she hangs around that boy, Cody. She’s in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s heartbreaking for her but it’s making her stronger.

And it’s not like Gracie outright tells me she hates me. All I’ve noticed is that she’s quieter about her friends and adventures. I already know Gracie started to smoke weed and drinks. She’s not exactly the best at keeping it a secret. Part of only having one child and living in a town where I don’t know anyone is that nobody is there to tell me how to talk to her about it. At least it’s weed though. I started smoking at her age too so I can’t judge.

I do want her to be kept away from the ugly world of drugs and sex though. If I don’t do anything soon, Grace will end up in my position with a child at the age of 17.

-

Grace gets in the car before I do. “How does it feel to go to your last psychology lesson?” I ask her.

My daughter sighs. “Great is the only word I can think of.” Grace puts down her phone on her lap. “When are you going to teach me how to drive?”

I start the car, “Oh so you want to drive know?”

“I want to drive now.”

I laugh and pull out the driveway. “You wish,”

“Oh come on! I’m old enough; I even pay attention to everything you do when you drive.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve been paying attention for two months now.”

“No I mean are you really old enough to drive? I didn’t learn until I was nineteen.”

Gracie chuckles. “We’re not living in the stone age mom. Everyone knows how to drive when they’re 15.”

“That’s probably why there are so many teenage car accidents,” I say and then look at Grace. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you, Gracie?”

She nods, “Yeah I am. I don’t want to rely on you driving me everywhere or riding my bike everywhere.”

“Well if you start now, go to driving school and take the test you should have your license in a year. How does that sound?”

“Will I have my own car?” She asks.

I scoff. “Of course not, I can’t afford one. If you want one to get a job and buy a used one.”

“There’s always a catch in life,” Gracie sighs.

I laugh. “You’re finally realizing how the world works.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’re growing up.”

“Oh cool.”

There are a few minutes of calm silence. I catch Gracie staring outside her window, transfixed at the world around her. Something is bothering her. I just know it; mother’s intuition and all.

“Hey, Mom, can I ask you a question. It’s kind of personal and I know you don’t like to talk about it. But I just want to finally know.”

“Yeah, sure go ahead.”

“How was Dad like?”

Grace’s father, Joseph, hmm, that’s a tough one. I only knew him for a week before he got me pregnant. If Gracie wouldn’t turn out so perfect I would’ve regretted going to that party with him.

I think it took me two months after I found out that I was pregnant to muster up the courage to tell him. I was already three months in and was deathly afraid of his reaction. My mom wanted to throw me out but luckily my dad was calm enough to be rational. I’m not saying he wasn’t mad, but at least he didn’t outright show it in front of my face. But Joseph’s reaction was the best. He was completely excited to have a kid.

Joseph stuck around. My parents were the most surprised. He didn’t hesitate to drop out of school and start working with his father. He encouraged me to graduate and get a better education in college. We didn’t know how it will all work out, but he made it possible.

I remember that we never confirmed our relationship. We never really talked about it because we were so busy taking care of baby Gracie. It was weird really, all my friends joked that we were friends with a kid. It never really stopped me from loving him though.

I remember being so lost when he was killed in the car accident. I also remember that I wanted to drive that day. It would’ve been me who would be dead if Joel would’ve let me drive. It was a miracle that Gracie survived too.

But no, I never really got to know Joseph on a deep, emotional level. All I know is that he was a nice, caring and dependable person. He showed me how much a person can accomplish if one is given the motivation. I know Joel loved Gracie and would’ve been proud of her now.

So I tell her all this.

“Wow…” She sighs. “I wish I could’ve met him.”

“I wish that too, honey. Now come on, we’re here so let’s get this over with.” I say turning off the engine.

After Gracie’s finished with her session, the psychologist tells me that she should be fine and shouldn’t have nightmares and her small panic attacks when she sees blood. I ask him if I can set an appointment for Sara. I swear once Sara can finds peace I’m saving up for a vacation.

But things aren't that simple, I’m not naive.

Grace wants to be more independent, ideas I've slowly been letting her place in her life. After her session, I drive her over to her friend Liz. All Sara wants to do is to grow out of her shell. Some days are better than others, today is the betters ones. I find her with her knees shaking on the couch. She stands up when I close the door.

“What’s up, Sara?”

Sara tries to speak but no words come out. She then fumbles her words and I have to tell her to calm down. Sara sighs and then takes a deep breath when she sits back down. “I don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to tell you this.”

When I invited Andrew over for dinner, I could tell that Sara has never been more relaxed than that night. She wanted to tell us something that night but Andrew’s constant talking never allowed her too. Sara then grew more nervous as the night went on but she could never say what she wanted to say. It’s been on her mind ever since that night but she could never quite bring it out. I already know what it is so I didn’t want to force it out of her.

Yet when she tells me, my heart still drops. I always had an idea of what she wanted to tell me. It’s the reason why she lives with me. Andrew knows too but I don’t think he knows about this. Sara finishes her words and her entire body’s limp. I stand her up and wrap my arms around her because I don’t know any other thing to do. I try my best to think of something to say or something to do but nothing feels right, nothing would make it better.

Sara starts to shake and then a few moments later, breaks down.

-

The logistics of Sara’s situation isn’t easy to pursue. It isn’t easy to prove. It’s not easy to face it head-on anyways. The first thing I do is get the story from Sara. It takes hours for her to get her to tell me everything, but she tells me. It’s not easy to hear, I can’t imagine how hard it is or Sara.

I get in contact with Andrew next. Sara pleads with me not to tell him. She argues that he’ll do something stupid and is scared that’ll it push him over the line. She’s right, but Sara isn’t the mother. I invite Andrew over and Sara shuts herself in her room. Andrew doesn’t react when I tell him. Instead, he waits until I’m finished and he just looks down. Andrew looks up and says, “Don’t you think it’s stupid to tell me? Do you know what I’m going to do after I leave here?”

“You aren’t going to do anything and let the adult handle this. I just want to let you know what’s going to happen.”

Andrew shrugs. He’s so sure of himself that I can’t even tell if he’s pissed off. “So what’s going to happen?”

“Nothing, yet. Just let me handle it.”

Andrew laughs and smacks the table before getting up. “Nah, let me tell you what’s going to happen. You’re gonna call the cops right now because if you don’t, that fucker’s dead, yeah?”

“Andrew!”

My words don’t reach him. He’s out the door before I piece together that Sara was indeed right. I run outside and see he’s bolting down the street. I can feel his anger and it scares me. It’s almost supernatural. Andrew lives on the other side of town so even if he is running, it’ll take him a while to get there. He isn’t bothering to answering his phone so I’m forced to chase him. The keys are upstairs laying on my countertop so I waste a minute there. By the time I’m on the road, I don’t see Andrew anywhere.

Andrew’s nowhere to be seen which doesn’t make sense. I would have caught up to him by now but he’s not anywhere. Logically, I can only think that he went inside the forest to cut straight through town. Still, I should have gotten there before him. There’s a car crash on one of the streets so I sit there for minutes. I don’t have the choice but to call the cops. I can’t stop Andrew from here.

I get to the house before the police even do. There’s nothing but silence but I’m cautious when I enter.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Did she call the cops?!” I hear his father.

“So it’s true?!”

“I gotta get out of here!”

I turn the corner of the living room where I can see they’re in the kitchen. Andrew is eyeing a pair of keys and then grabs them. His father notices this.

“Give me the keys, Andrew.”

Andrew backs off and shakes his head.

“Give me the fuckings keys.”

Andrew clutches the keys tighter as his father tries to grab them. “Nah,” Andrew shakes his head again.

Andrew’s father sniffs and then laughs. It’s similar to Andrews. “Don’t be a fucking idiot, Andrew. I didn’t fucking even remember it. Now give me the keys so I can fucking leave.”

“No!” Andrew is breaking down. Out of all the stories Sara shared about him, she never once mention one where he cried. Andrew never struck me as someone who does. Yet away from everyone and only to his father, he’s crying.

I need to stop this but nothing is happening just yet. The worst-case scenario didn’t happen and I’m unsure of what Andrew wants here. He’s vulnerable here. Andrew’s exactly who I thought he is.

His father pulls a switchblade and holds it to his face. “Give me the fucking keys, Andrew, or I’ll fucking slit your throat. Don’t fucking think I’ll do it because I don’t give a shit.”

Andrew bawls his eyes out and clenches his fists around the keys. “Neither do I,” he weeps.

“Stop it, both of you,” I make my presence known.

They both look over, then two officers shout for Andrew’s father to put the switchblade down.

-

The unthinkable happens.

Sara’s and Andrew’s father confesses to social services and gets arrested almost immediately. We’re brought in for further questioning and they ask me specifically why I’ve been letting Sara stay with me. They ask me my role in all this then they question Sara about me.

In the end, Sara gets her justice. It’s all too quick and surreal. Sara herself can’t even express herself right. She hardly speaks and when she does she doesn’t have emotion behind it. I don’t get it at all, why isn’t she happy?

I learned days later of the court dates. I learn where Andrew is going. Sara, much like her brother tells me that I should take him in. It happens so casually over dinner that it even catches Gracie off guard. It’s ridiculous. No. The idea is absurd. I act like I don’t even hear it.

Sara asks again the following day. I ignore her again but Gracie doesn’t. She tells Sara that Andrew’s too much of a jerk to be around all the time. Sara doesn’t say anything back.

Days go by and Sara withdraws herself even more. I force myself to set an appointment with a therapist for her. I can’t watch herself hide from the world. I thought things would get better, things were getting better then they just…

It’s frustrating. She doesn’t talk to me anymore.

Sara asks one more time.

-

Grace struggles to shut the car door after getting her bag stuck on her handle. She sighs after adjusting her skirt. “You think Sara is going to do well?”

“You did well.”

Gracie groans, “Barely. It took forever to take that damn image out of my head. Can we just go, please?”

“Y’know, you never talked to me about it since. You have anything to say?”

“Just start the car, please?”

“We have an hour to kill, where do you want to go?”

“There’s this new Boba shop that opened up on Main Street. It’s pretty amazing, you should try it out.”

I start the car and pull out the parking lot. “First thing, what’s boba?”

“It’s like a smoothie shop but they have these really weird chewable balls on the bottom to drink. I never had them but Emily says it’s good.”

It sounds interesting but she’s talking about going back to Darkwood just for a smoothie. “Okay, so what? Wanna go back home just to come back to Seattle in twenty minutes?”

Grace shrugs, phone in hand. “So what? We’ll get one for Sara.”

“You got drive to Darkwood and back to Seattle just to go back to Darkwood, money? Do you see the logic? Why don’t we just go to a smoothie shop here in the city?

“What fun would that be?”

I sigh. Grace was insistent of coming with. I didn’t have anything to do for an hour so this plan of hers is just as good as any. I get on the 90 and head back home.

There’s a line at the shop so it takes a bit over 10 minutes to get out drinks. Grace gets a strawberry boba and a mango one for Sara. I’m not sure what to get so the cashier tells me to go simple and gets me a milk tea boba. I don’t even get to try it before we’re forced to go back to Seattle and pick up Sara. Grace seems to like it. I’m not sure of drinking weird little black balls out of milk tea so I hesitate.

“Just drink it already, it’s not so bad.”

“I’m old, I don’t like new things.”

Gracie laughs, “Tell me about it.”

I eye her but I don’t say anything. She gets the message loud and clear. I finally take a drink but I don’t expect the balls to shoot up so fast; I almost spat out my drink. Grace watches and just laughs. It’s good though, so good that I finish the drink by the time we arrive. There are about 5 minutes to spare.

Grace keeps busy texting on her phone. All I can think of is Sara’s response to her first session with a physiatrist. Perhaps she’s being quiet because I didn’t listen to her when she asked if I can take in her brother. I haven’t even thought about it since she first asked.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about it now. Andrew is too wild for me to even consider it. I don’t even want him teaching Grace all the wrong things. All I would be doing is bringing an addict into my house.

But Sara was an addict and I took her in. But she needed my help. Sara was at the lowest point in her life and I had the power to help her so I did. Why isn’t Andrew the same? He’s in the same situation now. He doesn’t have a home and he’s separated from his sister. Andrew is just as lost as Sara is. He needs my help.

What if I set the same rules I gave to Sara? Could I make it work?

No. No. I’m crazy for even considering it.