Andrew IV

June 15th, 2013

I don’t think I have much time left.

It’s not like it matters anyway. I don’t have anyone anymore. Grace has been avoiding me like the plague. I haven’t heard a peep from her since that night I took her out. I also haven’t heard anything from Cody. Grace must have never told him, or at least not yet. The way they act with each other makes it so damn obvious. But it’s good for Gracie, no matter how much Cody is an idiot, he’s a good guy.

Sara is still mad at me for spoiling Grace’s party. I don’t see the big deal behind it, I just tried to have some fun. I tried talking to Emily now that she’s back. She doesn’t respond often, but she responds. I don’t think she wants anything to do with me. I still love her, I think I do. It’s not easy to remove her from my thoughts.

I got no one and I spend more time at home because of it.

Dad’s been a bigger dick lately. The drunk hasn’t been drinking as much and has been spending much of his day awake. Now that Sara’s been gone, the house has gone to shit. It’s the only reason why he wants her back. He even lies about missing her.

“You’re such a piece of shit, useless fucker, Andrew. Clean up the fucking house for once. You’re a useless mouth to feed,” he says to me when I try to go to the kitchen for a glass of water.

I learned to ignore him at this point but the words still get to me. Words have been getting to me lately. Everything has been getting to me lately. But what the fuck does it matter what I think? Dad is right, I am worthless. I destroy everything that I touch.

“Clean up the fucking house today, cunt!” he screams at me. Then he hits me in the back of the head. I want to fight back but I don’t. I don’t know why I don’t. I just do what I’m told.

I’m broken.

I clean what I can and by the end of it, the house looks livable. I lay in my bed and just stare at the ceiling. There isn’t a thing in the world that I haven’t ruined. I pushed away all the people that tolerated me. All this power I have and for what?

July 4th, that’s the day where I won’t matter anymore.

It’s what I’ve been trying to accomplish all my life right? I fucking hate everything so it’s right for everything to hate me right back. I don’t deserve to be happy. Not anymore, not after I killed that guy.

-

I wonder the streets. It’s raining again and my hoodie has been getting soaked for the past hour. I walk and walk, I’m angry. There shouldn’t be any reason for me to feel like this. It’s weak and I’m not weak. I never have been and I’m not about to start.

I walk so damn much that I manage to find myself to the only entrance to the town. There are only two things here, a gas station and the diner. The diner is the only place I can go from here and it seems like a good place to calm down. Everyone from town comes here. It’s a place where everyone gets to know each other. It’s 8 pm so nobody but the old farts are here. Usually, when I come here I can always recognize at least more than two people but tonight the only people I know are the grandparents of that girl Jana Kramer. They’re always in the diner.

I don’t greet them so they don’t notice me. I keep to myself and sit in the corner and await the old waitress that’s been trying to fuck me since I was 14. Look over at Jana’s grandparents who are having a laugh. They’re the oldest married couple in Darkwood and perhaps the only positive thing that has ever come out of this shit town. I once caught their last names by one of the waitresses. They’re the Elledge’s which I found odd. When I asked them about it I found out they’re the parents of Jana Kramer’s dad. I found that even odder because Jana Kramer doesn’t share their name.

The diner’s door open and somebody new comes in but I don’t pay attention to see who it is.

I pressed the Elledge’s even further and found that Jana Kramer’s name isn’t even her real name. It’s Freyja Elledge and they have no idea why everybody calls her Jana Kramer. I don’t think anyone knows this information and I plan to use it on Jana Kramer to get her to fuck me. All I’m waiting on is her to fix herself up because she’s been a trainwreck all year and not even I’m that deprive to touch that.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Hmm?” I look up from the menu.

It’s Emily’s sister. I think her name is Jessica or something. Shit, she’s taller and way prettier than Emily. I wouldn’t mind hitting it. “What are you doing here? Andrew, right?”

I smirk, “Yeah, you Ems’ sister, yeah?”

“Jerrica, it’s a pleasure to formally meet you, I guess.” She has the nerve to sit across me. “It’s almost 9, from all the stories I heard I figured you’d be out drinking trying to bang something tonight.”

“Stories are just stories, love unless you want to make them come true?”

Jerrica giggles. It’s similar to Emily’s but a bit deeper. “Nice, try buddy. What are you doing here? You’re all wet.”

“Shit, that isn’t my fault. I just can’t control all these hoes.”

“You’re funny,” she laughs.

“Thanks, love. You’re pretty fine yourself.”

Jerrica smirks. I don’t actually expect any of this work, not to this girl. She doesn’t strike me as a dumb idiot who falls for the simplest of plans. I just want to mess her a bit so I can get her to leave me alone.

“In what world does saying all of this get into a girl’s pants?”

“More than you think,” I laugh. She laughs too. “Less than it should.”

She sighs and takes the menu from me. “What is the world coming to?”

“What are you doing?”

“What?”

“Don’t you get it? I want you to leave and not take the menu from me like I’m just gonna let you sit here.”

Jerrica moves the menu from her face, allowing me to only see half of it. “And why not? I’m allowed.”

God, she’s annoying me. “Unless you’re paying or fucking me, fuck off, yeah?”

Jerrica puts the menu down and sighs. “Fine, I’m paying. Will that shut you up?”

“Shit, you better.”

The waitress comes by and asks for my order. She gives me a snarky look when she asks for Jerrica’s order. I take this time to look at the bitch. She doesn't have her natural red hair dyed a darker color like her sister’s. Jerrica doesn’t have freckles but her face is a bit longer. Shit, she’s a real beaut that I can’t put into words. Jerrica locks her eyes with mine. She has dark green ones which shouldn’t be natural. Her face is tall and her cheeks are a bit concave. She's pretty.

“You never answered the question,” she asks when the waitress leaves. “What are you doing here?”

“All those stories you heard? Why aren’t they scaring you off as I want them too?”

She smiles, “Not all of them are bad y’ know. Quite honestly, that stunt you pulled at Grace’s birthday party scratched that part of my head that doesn’t let things go.”

“Shit, Emily must have not told you the right stories then.”

“Oh no, she did. I just compared them to the positive ones and tried to figure out why you act the way you do. That’s what interests me, you’re unlike anyone I ever met.”

“Oh yeah? She told you ‘bout the time I got caught fucking in the girl’s locker room. Dean Scrotum nearly expelled me from that stunt.”

“She did.”

“‘Bout the time I got us in that club in Seattle. I ended up fighting some guys and got the night shut down.”

“And you only did it because you thought it would be funny. I’m not kidding when I said she told me all.”

I can’t quite wrap my head around it. “So what the fuck does this interest you? What’s there to figure out? I’m a dick, I know that. I don’t give a fuck, I know that.”

“Hmm,” Jerrica taps her cheek with her index finger. “I think it’s much more complex than that, isn’t it? It’s all for attention right? It has to be.”

I scoff, “I could give exactly zero fucks what anyone thinks of me. Shit, I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

Jerrica just smiles and stays silent. She wants to say something but doesn’t have the heart to say it. She’s a coward like everyone else. From what I know, Jerrica is four years older than Emily. She’s probably in college and her major is psychology based on the words she’s chosen tonight.

“You know what I think? I think you just finished some ‘deep’ psychology class over the semester and now over-analyze people because you think you can. You think it’ll somehow make you better understand people and in turn, make you a better psychologist.”

Jerrica laughs, “And you’re smart. Emily wasn’t kidding. But that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t want to be a psychologist. I’m in school to be a lawyer. I only analyze only truly interesting people.”

“Well, you’re one weird bitch then.”

Jerrica grins, “Thanks I take pride in it.”

“What else you got on me?”

The waitress comes back with my soda and her water. Jerrica takes a drink before talking. “You’re not ready for it all. I do think that you should be better to your sister though.”

I shrug, “What about her? I talk to her often, she’s fine where she is.”

“Yeah, but have you actually talked to her? What I mean is, have you made sure she’s been okay? From what I was told, she ran away right? Do you know why? Have you asked her if she’s been okay? Has she been open with you or have you brushed her off thinking she’ll do alright by herself.”

Of course, I have. When I asked her why she ran away she couldn’t tell me. I just assumed she’ll tell me when she’s ready but it’s been nearly nine months and she hasn’t said a thing. Shit. Is Jerrica right? She is. I barely ask if Sara’s doing okay. Fuck, I’m a shit brother just like I’m shit at everything else I do.

“You know how I haven’t answered your question?”

“Yeah, and I’m still waiting.”

“I'm here because I have nowhere to go.”

Jerrica frowns.

-

I think about everything Jerrica and I talked about it. She’s nuts but I never met anyone like her. Everything she said she said with the same confidence I have. She knows what she wants and doesn’t let anything get in her way. I wouldn’t mind stealing a fuck from her after all.

Once I left the diner, I text Sara and ask her if she’s okay. I ask her if I can come over.

Sara opens the door at Gracie’s house with a small smile on her face. Now that’s a rare sight to see. Sara hugs me with her own sheer will. She holds me tight and I have no choice but to hug back. Sara rests her head on my shoulder, “Thank you,” she says quietly before starting to cry.

I expected more of Sara. I always thought of her to be strong and willful. Talking to Jerrica made me realize that she’s the opposite. Sara is weak and fragile. She’s nothing more than my little sister who lets herself be eaten away by her fear. I’m the strong one. I must be strong for her so she can save herself from her fears. Years, even months ago I would’ve pushed Sara off by now but not tonight.

I’ve seen Sara in the depths of hell. I’ve seen her crawl out and fight until her last drop to move in with Grace. I’ve seen her covered in her blood. I’ve seen my little sister begs for her death and so it is why she’s allowed to cry. Sara must cry because I made it all go away. I only wish that I could take away all the memories.

All of her tears are just from the simple act of me asking if she’s okay.

“It’s alright, it’s alright. Everything is okay now, Sara,” I whisper to her. Grace’s mom comes to the door and doesn’t say anything. She has a smile on her and mouths something to me. “All you have to do is to live the life that I couldn’t.”

“I have to tell you some things,” she sniffs.

“Anything, sis,”

She takes a deep breath and gently pushes me off. “I’m gay, Andrew. I like girls.”

I take a step back and look at Sara’s ruined, smiling face. She’s awaiting a response but I always knew she’s a lesbian. I laugh. “You’re stupid if you didn’t think I knew. You’re my sister goddamn it, it’s my duty to instinctively know.” I’ve been waiting for a long ass time for her to tell me. I always wonder what the fuck she was doing with Lucas.

“What?!”

“I always knew. I always thought you were gonna tell me at some point, but I guess I never made it easy for you, did I?”

Sara wants to laugh but stops herself. She smiles instead. “You have no idea how long I waited to tell you. Since when did you know?”

“I don’t know, I always had a hunch since we were kids. I didn’t know-know until Jana Kramer started to hang out with us last year. You looked at her differently.”

Sara pushes me back and I get a Mera special smirk from her. “You’re such a dick! So you don’t care?”

“Why would I care?”

Sara stands stunned. Perhaps she didn’t tell me because she thought I was homophobic but it’s all in good fun, I never meant anything. Maybe she didn’t know that. Fuck. Jerrica is right again, the past will always come back to haunt me. It’s the ghost that looms over me. Sara is a spitting image of our mom now that she dyed her hair back brown. Sara still holds Mom on a pedestal, but would it be a good idea to break that illusion?

“I-I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m just happy to get that off my chest.”

“Andrew, would you like to come inside and have dinner?” Grace’s mom asks from behind.

“Mom we already ate,” Sara speaks before words come out of my mouth. Sara is truly good here. She sees Virginia as a mother now. That’s all I can ask for, I knew I could trust her. I’m glad she trusted me.

“I wasn’t asking you to eat again, Sara,” she chuckles.

I ate with Jerrica not even an hour ago but I haven’t had a home cook meal in years so, “Yeah sure.”

Sara and Virginia step to the side to let me in. I’ve almost forgotten that all my clothes are still soaked. Virginia hands me a towel and tells me to dry off in the bathroom. I do my best but at most I can only get everything damp. Sara is sitting at the dining table with some tea while Virginia is at the kitchen prepping something. I sit down and my sister smiles at me.

I never felt so at home.

I only have a month left. I wonder how things will play out after that. I wonder if atoning for everything I’ve done is worth it. I wonder if it’s even possible to forgive myself. I’m a monster. All of that doesn’t matter now though. Don’t know why the words of some girl who doesn’t even know me are getting to me. Jerrica called me broken, but not destroyed.

But hell is just a death away and I'm staring at the barrel of the gun.