Cody IV

June 1st, 2013

Somberly, I sit alone.

I sit alone on the base of the broken tree while I stare at what’s left of the old treehouse. It feels like all those goddamn happy memories are gone with it. It makes me kind of sad but at the same time, I want to build another one all for myself.

Somberly, I sit alone.

I sit alone knowing that I’ll probably never see or talk to Emily ever again. She’s hasn’t replied to the single call I made. It’s been like that for months. It’s as if she vanished along with this tree. It’s been ceased of life, never to grant life to another. I still wonder if I made the right choices.

Somberly I sit like there’s nothing wrong and I’m just a hypochondriac wishing that everything is going wrong. It hadn't rained for a month and two days ago hell poured down and struck this tree down. I somberly sit alone as I smell the lingering petrichor and burned wood that engulfs the circle of life. The smell is strong and sometimes pungent.

There’s nothing here for me anymore, so I leave.

Dad has been home for a couple of weeks. It’s been nice having him around. I haven’t seen Mom any happier. Three years change a person and Dad isn’t the same person as I remember. He tries to be back to what he was before but the somber and nihilism creeps in. I asked him once what happened at his job but he told me he can’t talk about it. Whatever he did, it changed him.

Apart from dad, my brother Travis is back for the summer. With him and my dad being back it makes things seem like everything is back to normal, but it’s not, isn’t it? Things will always be changing. That’s just something I have to accept.

“You okay?” Travis asks knocking on the side of my wall. He breaks my train of thought.

“Yeah, fine. Why?”

Travis shrugs. “You seem down.” He tosses me an energy drink. “Everything works out little bro.”

I chug half the can in one go. I’m inclined to check my phone. I’ve never deleted messages before. I think back on what Sara told me. The universe really might be chaotic. Emily’s messages haunt me. Her photos I have, haunt me. Sara told me to delete everything from Emily after she left. It must be a sign that our treehouse is now in ruins. I have to delete her.

I stare down a picture of Emily and I sitting together in our regular cafeteria table. She’s smiling and has her arms wrapped around my left. The picture was taken May of 2012, a few weeks before Elizabeth came into our lives.

Emily still has long and red fluffy hair that gets everywhere. As annoying as it is, I miss it. She used to have it much shorter. Throughout elementary and the first half of Middle School. The only reason why she has it long was that I told her it would look cute on her.

I delete the picture.

“What’s wrong?” Travis asks laying down on my bed. “It’s not Emily again isn’t it?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

Travis laughs, “I wouldn’t worry about it. You two are two peas. She ain’t going anywhere.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I’m not?” Travis laughs again and lightly kicks my back. “You lost your confidence, Codes. Crazy how one year changed you.”

I don’t say anything. It’s been about a year since I invited Elizabeth to our lives. It’s been a year since I snowballed everything into the madness of this cursed town. I’ve lost nearly everything since then and Travis questions why I’m not the same. But he’s right.

I used to be the leader, the one with the cool head. I used to run everything. Everyone wanted to be me or my friend. I’ve lost it. I don’t know who I am anymore.

“Is it true?” Travis asks.

“That this town has gone to shit ever since I left?”

I shrug. “I don’t, maybe? How were things when you were my age?”

Travis chuckles, “I don’t know. Not nearly as many drugs as I remember.”

“Really? Don’t I remember you and Jerrica sneaking off every night to go to a party?”

“Who said it was parties? We snuck off to fuck, little bro. Nah, three years ago, shit, yeah there were parties but like every other week.

“You miss her?”

“Who, Jerrica?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah. We had our things, we graduated, we moved on. That simple.”

“I wish it was that simple.”

-

And it is. It should be.

I’ve lost who I am, but it should be simple to get it all back. It doesn’t matter that I can’t control everything, I’ll just control what I can. Tonight I can prove that with a graduation party happening in Issaquah. I missed Darkwood’s but I’m still anticipated here.

Grace has gotten popular enough to be invited to it and comes with. She lost her glasses for contacts which have helped out a lot. Her braces still make her look 12 but at least she’s been improving, she’s been learning how to have friends. Tonight is just another night for her to get to know more people.

It’s a Sunday but it doesn’t matter, does it? I heard Issaquah is trying to be the new Darkwood and I think it’s a bit sad. They even had their suicide there not too long ago. It’s a virus. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t stop it, nothing can.

Chris gets out of the car first so he can light a cigarette. Ever since he stopped his drug experimentation, he’s been using the nicotine to take the edge off. “Isn’t it a bit weird to throw a party right next to a park?” Chris asks.

“Near the highway, even.” Grace comments.

“Who cares. Let’s just get this shit done.”

The music’s loud from the moment we leave the car. A dozen people is hanging out on the front porch all with red cups in their hands. I recognize a few, the other must be from this town. Inside, there are more people that I know. They recognize me, they admire me. See? I haven’t lost my confidence. All I had to do was to bring it back. I get started by serving a drink to Grace and I give myself three straight shots of whiskey.

“You want to slow down, man?” Carlos asks me. I haven’t even noticed him earlier. He’s a cool one.

“No time than the present.”

“It’s been a while since I seen you, where you been?”

I open a beer bottle and give it to him. “Been busy.”

“Right on, Code. Don’t steal all the girls now, will you?”

I get another bottle and drink half of it before I leave the kitchen. Grace has already found her place with her friends. Chris is in the corner talking to some Issaquah guys, selling them drugs I assume.

It’s just like Darkwood here now. There’s nothing but fucked up empty minds. There’s a girl openly doing coke on the dining table. I can hear all the bullshit drama and gossip. It used to be fun being at shit like this. Now it’s slightly annoying. Still, I have to prove that I’m still me.

I enter a conversation with some guys from school while I scope out the party. No one here is interesting. They’re all quite boring. As much as I don’t like him, at least Andrew made things interesting. I spot a girl amongst the madness. She’s a brunette that might be a bit underdressed for this thing. Our eyes meet and I don’t let mine waver. She stares me down, intimidated at first but she eventually gives in.

It’s easy. It’s always been easy.

I don’t catch her name, but it doesn’t matter. I take her upstairs to a room but there are people already fucking. She giggles as I take her to another one. It’s always been this simple, yet it feels so empty. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I’ll ever do. This heart will always be empty.

Once we’re finished, I walk back down. Carlos is the first to congratulate me. Sometimes I forget we’re just kids after all. I catch Grace staring. I hurt her just now.

But that’s what I always do. I always hurt people. I did it to Elizabeth, Emily, and now Grace. She likes me, maybe even loves me and I see her nothing more than a little sister. She’ll never have me and that’ll always hurt her. It’s part of growing up and she’ll just have to deal with it.

As the night goes on, the party becomes a rager. The lights lower and the music gets harder. People start to get sweaty as they dance harder and the drugs hit their systems. I’m one of them. All the shots are mixing into my blood and that headrush is back after not having one for a long time.

Some girls dance with me. I know their game. They know mine but I don’t think they care. No one cares. It’s why everyone is so lost. Grace comes and dances with. I shouldn’t let her, but I do.

A loud and familiar voice walks into the room. Of course, it has to be Andrew. He wouldn’t miss one of these things to save himself. Andrew spots me and his smile is wiped off his face for a second before Carlos greets him and Andrew jumps at him with excitement. I watch Grace try to greet him, but Andrew avoids her.

I find myself smoking a bowl outside the backyard with Chris. “What did Andrew talk to you about?” I ask him.

“Wanted to ask me about Winter.”

“I thought you stopped trying to make it.”

Chris takes a hit but doesn’t bother to exhale. “I did.”

“Then what the fuck does he want?”

“Not what he wants. It’s what Lyle wants.”

Lyle. “What does he want?”

Chris exhales and passes the pipe to me. “He’s cutting me off. I can’t make Winter so why should he support my drug experimentations. Make sense, no?”

I nod. “Yeah, yeah, right. You ever actually met him?”

“Once. He wanted to see who I am. You?”

“Outside the diner, last year. Elizabeth got in the car with him. Told her not to go but she didn’t listen. Now she’s dead.” I take a hit. I then take an even longer one. His presence was so fucking terrifying. I never felt anything else like it.

“Andrew’s asking for you. Wants to apologize.”

“Apologies and Andrew don’t mix well, you tell him that?”

Chris laughs. “Of course. He told me that you can fuck yourself.”

“Right,” I laugh. “What do you think he wants? Sara asked me to go talk to him as well.”

Chris shrugs, taking the bowl from me. “Come on, Code, don’t you already know? It shouldn’t be so hard to figure out. The world knows loss and yells for its mother.”

I laugh. The fucker is talking nonsense again. Chris is lost in his little world and that’s okay. I’m used to it and he knows I don’t care. “To the end of the world, Chris.”

“To the world is not ready.”

“Right.”

We head back inside where things have calmed down a bit. Chris and I sit down around the dining table where Grace is sitting with her friends. Her friend Liz starts talking to me and I join just to keep the conversation. I catch Grace staring, and I look at her back, trying to see if I can intimidate her. It works. She looks away towards Andrew. He’s out dancing with some girl, well more like dry humping.

I get a text message.

It’s from Emily, “Are you up?”

Of fucking course, she has to reply now after all these weeks. The head rush comes fast and my heart tries to escape its cage. I have to go outside and take in some fresh air.

“Oi, oi, Codes!” Andrew yells as he leaps from the front steps. “Hold up, will ya?”

I stop for him but I don’t give a shit about what he has to say. “What?!”

“I’ve been trying to reach you all week. Where ya been?”

“What do you want, Andrew?”

Andrew looks like shit. He has bags under his eyes not to mention they’re burning red. The fucker hasn’t slept and I wouldn’t doubt if he’s coked up to the balls. “I need you, mate.”

“Fuck off,” I turn around to walk away but Andrew grabs my hand.

“Just hear me out, man. Don’t be a dick. I’m sorry, yeah?”

I stare at Andrew. No, I glare at him. This dickhead took Emily away from me. Andrew examines my eyes and just laughs. He always fucking laughs because he doesn’t take anything seriously.

“Right on, Codes. Fuck you too then. Just don’t fucking bitch and moan that it’ll be your fault I’ll be dead too like Elizabeth,” Andrew sneers and walks back inside.

Fuck.

I start walking towards the park. I look at Emily’s text again and wonder if I should reply. Everything is so messed up. I don’t know why I feel like this, feel weak. I’ve been lying when I thought I got it back. I don’t have anything back. I’m so unsure of everything.

Unsure that I have no college to go to. Unsure what I want to be. Unsure that I have what it takes to be the person I need to be. Unsure that I’m actually who I thought I am, was.

Somberly I sit on the bleachers that face the baseball field in this park.

I text Emily back and close my eyes, anxious about what she has to say next.

When I open them, I notice a body laying on the bleachers next to me. I stand and walk over. It’s Elizabeth’s brother, Matt. He passed out with a bottle in his hand. More importantly, there’s a gun tucked away in his waist. It’s the same one he almost shot me with. He had power over me back then. The power I don’t have now.

I take the gun from him. The gun, it’s heavier than I thought one would feel. But it’s power, and I have it now. I look at it and then stare at it. I don’t know guns, but it looks remarkably similar to gun Elizabeth had. Is this where she got it from? Is Matt who gave her the gun? No, it couldn’t be that simple. Elizabeth got the meth from him, not the gun.

I put the safety on and tuck the gun down my waist and walk back towards the party. I stop by my car first and toss the gun in the trunk. Grace comes out of nowhere and appears in front of my car. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you.”

“Why?”

“I want to go home. I’m drunk and sleepy.”

I chuckle. “Didn’t know you were a lightweight.”

“Shut up,” Grace slurs and punches me in the arm. “Go get Chris, I want to go home.”

“Fine. fine.”

Grace enters the passenger side of my car while I go inside to find Chris. The first thing I see when I’m inside is Andrew doing a line of coke on a girl’s tits. I ask Carlos if he’s seen Chris and he tells me went upstairs with some girl. It’s a miracle. Chris is not the type to be interested in girls.

I send him a text and tell him to hurry up so we can leave. Unlike Emily, he responds right away. Chris comes down soon after with his green parka over his shoulder. “Who was special enough to captivate you?” I ask him as we leave the house.

Chris shrugs and enters my car. “I still have urges you know.”

“That’s what, like 3 girls now?”

“Two, but, weirdly, you’re keeping count.”

I look over at Grace when I start the car. She’s already passed out. “Who was your first?” I ask him, but I already know the answer. It’s a secret Chris has yet to tell me but it wasn’t hard to figure out.

“It’s weird that you haven’t said anything until now.”

“Doesn’t matter, does it?”

“I think it does. It’s the same when Andrew slept with Elizabeth. You didn’t care, and you don’t care now. I think it’s odd.”

We get on the highway to Darkwood. The roads are nearly empty. It’s always a relaxing drive, no matter what Chris is trying to say with his words. “She texted me.”

“Don’t change the subject,” Chris chuckles.

Chris doesn’t want to let this go. Fine. “Why do you care?”

Chris laughs, “because I’m your friend. I might be insane but I don’t lack empathy for my friends. You know what your problem is, Code? You don’t talk to anyone about your emotions. You burden yourself with all that weight and don’t let anyone hold it with you. You’re selfish. So I find it odd that you never yelled at me for letting Emily pity fuck me.”

That’s the most Chris has said in one go, but Chris is right and it scares me. I don’t say anything in return.

“Your silence is an admission of guilt,” Chris says while he puts on his green parka. “Tell me about it. What did you feel when Ellie cheated on you?”

“I was pissed off at her, mostly. She was getting fucked up and I couldn’t stop her. She fucking got high off meth and I then exploded when I just couldn’t hold it all in anymore. Is that was you want me to say?”

Grace groans and rolls over to the window’s side.

“What did you feel about Emily and me?

“When did this happen?”

“Jana’s party last year. I asked her too. She didn’t want to tell you.”

I stay quiet. I haven’t ever thought about it. I knew it wasn’t much more than that. There’s nothing in front of the road and it starts to rain. I see Chris light up a blunt in the rearview mirror. He doesn’t seem to mind that I’ve gone silent. “Believe me when I tell you that I don’t care about it.”

“I do.”

“Good.”

I drop Chris off at his house first. It’s at this time when Grace wakes up a bit. She sits upright a bit and checks her phone. “Are we home yet?”

“In a bit.”

Grace groans and rubs her eyes. Her house isn’t too far from Chris so we get there under five minutes. Her mom’s car is upfront, she’s home. I look over to where Sara’s room is and the lights are on. She’s home too.

“Gracie, we’re here,” I tell her after Grace doesn’t move for a minute.

She’s fading in and out of consciousness. I get out to help her get out of the car. I wrap her arm around my shoulder and drag her out. “Hmm, Cody.”

“Yeah?”

Grace takes my moment of distraction to peck on the lips. “I want you,” she tried again but I move my head away.

“You’re drunk.”

“Does it matter? Why don’t you want me? Why?!”

I sigh and walk her halfway to her porch where she pushes me off. “Grace, it’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“I love Emily, not you.”

“You fucked that one girl tonight.”

“It’s different.”

“No, it’s fucking not,” Grace burps and stumbles down. I catch her before she does. “Why does no one fucking want me?”

I walk her to the front door where I just knock. “We’re good as friends, Gracie. You wouldn’t want me. I’ll fuck you up like I do everything else.”

“Fine…” Grace whispers.

The front door opens and an older version of Grace opens the door. Sara wasn’t kidding. She sighs in relief. “You must be Cody. Thank you for taking care of my daughter. She didn’t-”

“No,” I chuckle. “She just drank a bit much.”

I hand a drunken Grace to her mother. “Well thanks again, just don’t make it a habit, okay?”

“Okay.”

Grace’s mom shuts the door then I walk over to my car. My phone vibrates. It’s Emily. It’s been an hour and she finally texts back.

“I miss you.”