Grace III

May 24th, 2013

Sara wakes me up at still dark out in the morning. My body aches and I don’t think Sara woke me up, but rather her scream. It’s faint for me; I’m too tired to wake up. My mom hears it though. I can hear her desperate voice trying to calm Sara down. Now that I think about it, I don’t even think my eyes are open. They feel like they’ve been industrialized glue. It’s impossible to open them.

Sara screams become louder but they eventually start to fade out again. Before everything can completely fade out into nothingness, my phone vibrates. I wonder who needs to bother me at this time.

It’s Friday and the sun is barely rising and now school. The Senior’s graduation is tomorrow and it’s finally nice not to have school anymore. It’s weird to think of myself as a sophomore now. Sara has been teasing me for days about it.

The text I got a three in the goddamn morning isn’t from anyone I expected. “Virgin girl lets hang out later in the day” It’s Andrew.

“why” I text back.

I get a reply once I finish getting a shower. “Because we haven’t hung out in months, isn’t it time for us to catch up?”

Sara is on the computer desk doing some reading. “Your brother is texting me,” I sigh.

Sara doesn’t look at me as she’s too busy with her book or whatever she’s reading. “What does he want?”

“To hang out with me.”

“Don’t,” she says stopping what she’s doing for a half-second.

My mom calls us down for breakfast. I almost don’t listen as I stare at my phone. I haven’t hung out with Andrew in a few months. Since Christmas. He rarely talks to anyone in school anymore. The only one I see him talking to is that kid Carlos. But he often stops me in the halls to chat for a bit. Whenever he does he has this grin that tells me everything's gonna be okay. But at the same time, it’s like he’s lying about it.

Sara barely talks to him now. He must feel lonely. Sara never told me what happened between them. It’s been like that ever since she knocked on my door and begging my mom to let her stay here. Now, it’s almost seven months later and Sara still doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Grace, Sara, food is getting cold!” Mom shouts again.

“like I’ll ever hand out w/ u” I reply to Andrew.

I expected mom to talk about what happened with Sara last night but she’s keeping quiet about it. Something serious must have happened. I assume that it has to do with Sara's sudden change of appearance 7 months ago. All I know is that when she came to me, she was a mess. My mom was extremely hesitant about letting her stay with us. Surprisingly, my mom knew Sara was a drug addict from the moment she stepped foot in the house. Sara and Mom are now good friends and she’s almost like a daughter. So nothing has changed this morning. There’s still the same talk about my future and Sara's own plans for her senior year.

“Ha, don’t be like that virgin girl. Take a fuckin risk like you want to” Andrew texts back. I get another one right after. “If you’re feeling like taking a risk tonight, meet me where the world ends and begins.”

“Wat?” I text back.

And I actually contemplate the idea. A few days ago he stopped me after my first period, telling me about all the end of school parties coming up. He asked if I was going to any of them. I would but I now know fewer people and would feel like even more of an outcast. Sara told me that going to any will ruin me. I trust her. So I haven't been to any since Alyssa’s

Lately, I’ve been hanging out with Cody a lot more. It’s not that I like Emily out of the picture, but it’s a lot easier with her gone. He’s a good guy and I think I manage how to be around him without making it so obvious that I like him. He’s been done with school for two weeks now so it’s been tough not being able to see him every day. Today is one of the few days where I get to hang out with him again.

We meet up in front of a new milk tea shop that opened up on Main street. It’s been a week since I have seen him and I immediately notice the stubble on his face. He orders a milk tea with something called boba. I get just the regular milk tea with ice. “What’s boba?” I ask him.

“Oh, it’s just these tapioca balls that sit under the tea. They’re squishy and pretty good,” he answers sitting down at a table. The table has a board of checkers ready to be played.

“I don’t know what that is.”

Cody chuckles, “Don’t worry about it then. You excited?”

“About what?”

“Next week is your last week. You’ll be a sophomore soon.”

“Oh,” I nervously laugh. I haven’t thought about it. The year went by fast. The stigma of being soaked in Elizabeth’s blood ended and I managed to get a few friends on my grade. The first half seemed to be a lot crazier than the second. I can still remember all the events I went with the group and as soon as Emily left everything mellowed out. “Not really.”

“With school ending everything is about to get crazy again. You should be nervous.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” Cody leans back in his chair. “This shit always happens.”

Cody is so handsome.

“Well, I don’t know. We don’t even go to parties anymore so does it even matter?”

“You’ve never asked.”

“Sara wouldn’t go. Mom wouldn’t let her.”

“Well, we don’t really need her,” Cody chuckles again. Did he just invite me to go to one? With him?

The barista calls our names and Cody gets up to get the drinks. He comes back how I expect it to look but Cody’s drink has little black balls on the bottom. It looks gross. The tea is exceptional though.

“You’re still not scared to go to things, are you?”

“No,” I shake my head. “I actually want to try other stuff y’ know? Chris is always on something and it looks fun.”

“What do you mean?”

I shrug, “I don’t know, like coke or ecstasy. When Chris spiked me it was pretty fun actually. LSD or Shrooms seem fun too.”

Cody begins to glare at me. It’s not malicious but I can feel the weight of his eyes on me. “I wouldn’t. It’s a slippery slope.”

I scoff, “Well that’s hypocritical. Don’t you do all that stuff too?”

Cody shakes his head. “I only smoke weed, Gracie. Andrew and Sara were the ones doing all that other shit. Emily too, but I never liked it.”

“Why not?”

“Grace, haven’t you seen what this town does to people?”

I do. It’s not that bad as everyone says. Everything everyone has told me is exaggerated. Yeah, it’s weird people like to party on weekdays but there are weeks without one. That last party I went to was to Alyssa’s and that was in December for the break. Everyone, there was doing coke so casually. It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t ruin their lives.

It’s silly to think a town can corrupt people.

“I’m just curious, geez.”

“The dead don’t speak.”

“What?”

“The dead don’t speak, Grace.”

“What does that mean?”

“They’re too busy screaming.”

“What?”

Cody chuckles. It’s charming, intoxicating. I want him. He says nonsense but it doesn’t matter. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No?”

“You’ve been moving too fast, Grace. You’re trying to catch up on the experience of others just to fit in. You’re trying too hard.”

I don’t get him. Is he playing some sort of game with me? “Sorry, uh, I’m not getting it.” Am I moving to fast? No, I’m just making friends now. It’s not bad. Everyone in this town is fucked up. I’m not even close to everyone else.

Cody’s phone buzzes and he checks it. “Sorry, Grace. I gotta go.”

“What, why?”

“My dad’s home. I haven’t seen him in like three years,” he says standing up. “I hate to leave but it’s my dad.”

“No, right, I get it. It’s okay.”

Cody gets up and hurries out of the shop. I can’t tell if Cody was happy or scared that his dad is back. But who’s dad is gone for three years?

I sigh and finish my milk tea. I walk out of the store and walk down Main street a bit. I have been here a couple of times before with Emily and Sara whenever they took me out. Almost all the stores here are family-owned. It’s something new and different from what I remember from California. It’s not like I ever left my house when I lived in California, but still.

It’s cloudy again but it hasn’t rained. It hasn’t rained for a while. I remember when it rained for weeks and didn’t seem to stop. Sara tells me that's just how it is here sometimes. I hope it doesn’t rain today, it’s a lovely day to walk around.

That’s what I end up doing for a while. I haven’t walked around town to see what’s all here. It’s all nice, green and brown. I thought it was boring when I first moved here but now it’s beautiful. It’s easy to breathe here. Sometimes I do wonder if everyone is right.

I wonder if I really belong here.

I don’t know if it was intentional or not. I don’t know if it’s because she constantly popping up in my mind, but I find myself in the cemetery. I haven’t ever visited her grave. It’s grand and well taken care of. It’s not alone either, a familiar face is standing over it.

It’s Felix. It’s that random guy from that one time. He has his hair cut from before.

“It’s you,” he greets me.

“Hi, sorry I didn’t know anyone would be here.”

Felix coughs and smiles. “She was a good friend.”

My phone vibrates. It’s a text from Andrew but I don’t look at it. “It’s my first time here.”

“Was she a good friend to you?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t really know her that well, but uh, everyone told me how she was. She was trying to be a better person, wasn’t she?”

“You could say that,” he snorts. “You didn’t know her?”

“It’s complicated,” I mumble my words.

“Right,” he laughs. “Elizabeth uh, well she knew a lot of people. A lot of people cared about her. A lot of people wanted her, wanted to be her. Were you one of them? Wanted to be her?” His voice is a bit hostile but it’s fine.

I didn’t know her. I don’t know why I care so much.

I just want my closure.

“No. She killed herself in front of me.”

“Oh.”

I walk up to take my place in front of her grave, to finally see her. She was barely 18. I know everything that happened to her and yet It feels like I never learned a thing. “It’s okay. I’m over it.”

All the therapy sessions have helped.

“Did you know how she was in her final days?”

“No, were you with her?”

“A week before she died. She was hysterical and always on edge. I tried to calm her down but I couldn’t. It’s like she had something on her mind. Something was eating her up.”

“Do you know what?”

Felix shakes his head. “She wouldn’t say. Sometimes I think about what I could have said to make her talk to me. I miss her.” I don’t say anything. I learned from being around Sara and Emily that it’s better not to say anything. “What about you?”

“Hmm?”

“You never really met her, yet you’re still here. You miss her too?”

“In my own messed up way,” I giggle.

“Well, that’s life,” Felix sighs. “You’ve grown a bit since I first met you.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.”

Felix starts to walk around the grave. He looks a lot older than I thought. His new haircut makes it much more obvious. “I’ll be taking my leave now. I said to her all I could. Maybe fate will bring us together again. I’ll catch you then.”

“See ya,” I say as Felix walks away. He’s an odd character.

I look back to the grave and wonder if Elizabeth can hear me. She’s dead but if there really is an afterlife, she would hear me. She would know what I’m feeling. Elizabeth would know how all confusing this all is.

My phone vibrates again. It’s still Andrew.

“Don’t ignore me, you tit.” he texts.

I read the previous one before.

“Come tonight. Ye ye ye?”

Fuck it.

Cody is pissing me off, this town is pissing me off. Emily’s gone, Sara isn’t as fun as before and the world is shit. Why shouldn’t I let loose? Cody always tells me to be more confident in myself. I’m going to be confident for once. I’m in control of my destiny.

Andrew is waiting at the front of the school. It took me a while but his riddle makes sense to come here. Sara says that this is how high school is. One day you’re good friends with someone and the other, you’re strangers. Andrew still hasn’t changed much. He still has that cool guy standing pose and fresh jock haircut. He wears ripped jeans and a dirty white t-shirt under a navy blue parka. His shoes are all ripped up.

I don’t know why he picked today of all days to hang out. The thunder in the skies is angry and our mother is ready to cry for our vile acts against her. Cody taught me to say that. He says that words are good at expressing simple things like a rainstorm. Luckily our mother isn’t ready to cry yet. It sounds stupid now that I think about it.

“My my, I didn’t believe you would come,” Andrew laughs when we’re face to face.

“You have no idea what I’m capable of,” I giggle.

“Your pulchritude is inimitably captivating today, Gracie,” he says.

I have no idea what he just said. “Well I’m here, what do you want?”

Andrew laughs for no reason. “How old are you Gracie?”

“15, why?”

“Well, I’m taking you to a club. You’re old enough. I took Sara around the same time too.”

“Uh, I’m not so sure about that.”

“Too fucking bad, mate,” Andrew grabs hold of my arm and pulls me towards a car on the parking lot. In the car, he sighs and smiles at me. “No clubs today, sorry mate. How about a rave instead?”

“I’ve never been to one.”

“Yeah, they don’t exist anymore, except for the super-secret underground ones. Luckily for you, there’s one today and I know just the guys to get us in,” Andrew says.

I smack my palm to my head and sigh, “Andrew, what the fuck do you want with me. I’m not going to hook up with you.”

Andrew bites his lips and nods, “Yeah I know, but that doesn’t mean I can show you a good time.”

“Just…whatever…Do you have any liquor?”

“In the backseat.”

Andrew talks about stories of his early childhood while I drink a beer I find. I’m still not used to the taste. I don’t pay attention because I’m too busy looking at the empty fields of grass as we leave the town. It reminds me of the drive Mom and I took when we were driving up to Washington for the first time. The night makes everything look so lifeless and still. It is almost like it permits me to do whatever I want; just maybe.

When I decide to listen to Andrew he’s talking about how Sara and he used to draw Pokemon all day long. Something about wanting to draw like their mom.

We go to the next town, and then the next after that. It’s probably thirty minutes away, I’m not sure I didn’t keep time but when we get there, it’s in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. The music can be heard practically a mile away.

“You want some?” he asks. Pulling out a baggie with a few orange and green tablet pills. They’re ecstasy. I never have done it but I always wanted to. Chris tells me there’s no better feeling and Cody said he’ll try to get me some. It’s supposed to be like the drug Chris spiked my drink with months ago. I’m still mad about it.

I nod my head. It’s bitter at first but the taste goes away once I wash it down with a water bottle that Andrew gives. I follow him outside where the music gets louder and louder with each step. There are people talking outside, all with smiles on their faces. All of them are dressed in bright colors and some are even shirtless.

Everyone inside is so fucking happy. Everyone is jumping, laughing, dancing, kissing, hugging, and smiling. These people are the happiest in the world. Their happiness gives me an instant smile in my small little mouth. I think I can feel the scent of happiness.

Andrew leads me right into the middle of the crowd. He says something but I can’t hear him over the extremely loud rave music. He then leaves, just like that but I’m just too damn happy to care.

A girl takes my arm and starts jumping. I jump with her because the music is just too danceable. The urge to move my body is too irresistible like scratching my arm after a mosquito bite.

It’s exhausting though. I’m already beat after two songs. I stop jumping for a minute to catch my breath. Just then a rock-dubstep song comes up. I didn’t even know such a combination was possible. It gets me going though. The girl who grabbed my arm gets behind me and grabs my hips. It’s a bit weird. I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know.

Andrew comes back in during the middle of the song about having a threesome. He says something and smiles but I can’t understand him. Everything feels so good though. It’s like I’m constantly being brushed with soft feathers all over my body.

Andrew says something else but is interrupted by some guy. The smile on Andrew is flushed down the toilet. Andrew pulls out a stack of dollar bills and hands it to him. I can’t help but to stop my dancing and stare. The white tall guy taps on his watch and then leaves. Andrew flips him off when his back is turned.

“What was that?” I ask him to his ear.

Andrew laughs but everything he says is in inaudible.

I shake my head.

What does he need that much money for in the first place? This is why I don’t like Andrew. He gets himself too much in trouble and being around him is bound to get me killed. Sara always tells me to stay away from him. I would listen but, I’m not Sara. Whatever those two went through isn’t going to happen to me, because I don’t deserve it. I’m just a good girl, nothing bad should ever happen to me.

Everything goes back to normal after a minute though. Andrew starts to grind on some random slut girl. He winks at me when I look over at him. The crowd roars for a change of DJ and I realize that this is far better than everyone says it to be.

May 25th

It’s soon two after midnight and the 200 people inside are nowhere near quitting. But I’m tired and want to go home. The only problem is that I’ve lost Andrew. Moving through the crowds is a pain and feels like the inside of a furnace. I think I have been looking for half an hour. Seriously, where is he?

He isn’t in the central crowd so I give up and go to the areas where there are only around five people around. The more I look for him the harder and more tired I get. It feels like I searched every inch of this stupid warehouse. Andrew then finally replies to my dozen of texts.

There’s a quick moment where I think I see Felix. He’s still wearing the same clothes from earlier today. It’s just my imagination as he’s gone as soon as I spot him. The world is too intense right now for me to focus.

I find Andrew outside behind the warehouse holding a girl against the wall. He’s fucking her and there’s nothing I can do but watch. It’s raining hard. I’m soaked and I wonder how Andrew and this girl can stand it. Something in me though feels warm inside and raging like a tiger.

-

The next thing I know, I wake up with a massive headache next to Sara in her room. Sara is still sleeping even though the sun is right in front of us. The windows need to be blocked by the curtains, I don’t know why she doesn’t. Then I stop thinking about it and go to the night before. I can barely remember it, but the more time passes, the easier it gets.

I remember the hard rain completely making me soaked, the warm and intense feeling in the lower part of my body accompanied by a tingle inside my heart, the silence of the sound of rain accompanied by hard bass of the warehouse.

“Hmm,” he stopped, taking notice.

I felt helpless with my hands holding each other near my chest.

Andrew zipped himself up and grabbed hold on the girl’s hand. “Let’s go,” he said with a low voice. In the car, I remember he said, “How much did you saw?”

“Enough,” I answered.

“Did you like it?” He asked.

The girl he was with laughed, “Andrew, who is she? Why’d we stop, I was having a good time.” She said in an annoying voice. This girl was clearly drunk.

“Did you like it?” he asked again.

I didn’t know. I felt so good all over. Being covered in rain felt like being in a ball pen as a five-year-old. I felt lightheaded and my skin sent shivers up my spine just for being there.”Yeah…” I answered.

His hand grabbed mine and he looked at me with his eyes like no one has ever done. His eyes were pure desire. His right hand on thigh and left on my breast. Pure shivers of white snow up and down my spine and through my entire body. “Your lipstick is lazy, and your eyes are all hazy,” he says softly. He kisses me.

“Andrewww,” the girl in the back seat whines.

Andrew didn’t hesitate to take off my shirt. He doesn’t do anything but stare like he was pretending to be delicate. Hands unbuckle my jeans and lowered them. The car door opened and I’m pushed into the heaving rain. My half my body was now getting soaked again as my head rested on the pavement.

What is happening? I thought. I didn’t care. I was old enough. I was old enough right?

The other girl got out and took her shirt off. She got on top of me and kissed me blocking my head from getting rained on. It’s weird. I didn’t like it, I remember. Soft hands pulled down my panties. Oh god, I want it, I thought.

Andrew is big, masculine and knows what he’s doing. Andrew has complete control of the situation and pushed the girl aside. He could’ve done it. He could’ve done it. He could’ve done it right there, in a dirty parking lot next to his car and under the pressure of hard rain with me completely naked and get on with his life and never look back on it and I’ll be gone and I’ll be betraying everything my mom keeps me away from my world changes.

But he didn't.

For some fucked up reason, he didn’t. He just sat on top of me with his mouth open.

Why didn’t he?

I look over to the counter where my phone is. Besides the phone, there’s a note.

Sara,

When you get this, can you please meet me? Same place as always. There’s some fucked up shit going on right now and I don’t think I can make it work. Sorry on my part for that. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve gotten Dysania. When I was driving back home tonight the petrichor could only remind me of the times where Mom was still alive. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best brother, but yeah. I need to see you.

-Andrew

This is Andrew?