Emily II

October 13th, 2012

For the first time in a long time, we’re all together again. It was all Sara’s idea when we learned Grace has never been in the city. Somehow I manage to convince everyone to go, even Cody. We get to to the city in the few options we do have. I take Andrew, Sara, and Grace with me in my car while Cody takes Chris. It’s cloudy today and they say it’s going to rain at night.

Andrew dressed up nicely for once. I sure hope he would seeing as we’re going to be seen together later in the night for homecoming. Since we’re in Seattle a few hours before the sun sets, I’m wearing my homecoming dress. Everyone else isn’t going so they don’t dress any differently.

We take Grace around Pike’s Place and check out some of the shops there. Once we’re done we decide to walk down to the pier but Chris wants to check out the Gum Wall first. He’s tripping again and wants to check out some of the pretty colors on the wall.

“Ew what’s with all the gum on the walls,” Grace says as we walk down the alley. It took her a while to notice. It makes me laugh. It makes almost everyone laugh. The only ones who don’t are Cody and Sara. “Why is there so much.”

“It’s a tourist attraction, ho,” Andrew answers her. “It’s just some dumb shit the City keeps. Shit’s dumb.”

“I wonder how much gum is here?”

“Probably over 100 thousand,” Cody answers.

Grace gets up close to examine everything. At the same time, I catch Sara stick her gum over a note on the wall. I was here, it says. She hasn’t said a word today that wasn’t in text. I wonder what’s been going on with her for the past few days. She’ll be fine. She’s strong.

We walk down to the pier as Andrew curses the air and expresses his hatred of hills. We end up on the pier closest to the newly open Ferris wheel. Andrew runs off somewhere and disappears. I lean over the railings with Grace and just watch the calmness of the sea.

“It’s so beautiful, I never knew it would be this pretty,” Grace tells me.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t come here often enough.”

“How much does the Ferris wheel cost?”

I shrug, “Don’t know, it barely opened some time ago.”

“Want me to go check?” Cody says walking beside us.

“Yes please.”

It’s peaceful today. Even though the world is seemingly falling apart it’s being held together by the small pieces of tranquility. I want to savor today, there won’t ever be another day like this. We’re just kids and we’re finally doing something that kids do. We’re just enjoying each other’s company and talking about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m happy to be here.

I haven’t told anyone yet but my mother is coming home for a few days. My dad hasn’t found a job and can’t support me for much longer. Mom convinced him that it’ll be better if I lived with her and my sister back in New York. I’ll be leaving in a week. For some reason, I think Cody already knows but It wouldn’t surprise me if he did. He somehow always knows what’s going on. That’s why I admire him so much. It’s why I love him.

I have to treasure everything I can because I won’t be here soon. The Ferris Wheel only costs $13 for the memory.

-

“Did you see that Facebook post, Carlos made calling out Megan’s bullshit?” Cody asks Sara. Sara just shakes her head. “Yeah, I guess he’s tired of the bullshit too. It’s splitting their clique in half.”

“Who gives a shit?” Andrew says. I didn’t even notice he was back. “They’re all little bitches anyways.”

-

We’re all standing in front of the fountain by the aquarium. The sun has begun to set.

“So what type of girls do you like, Cody?” Grace asks him.

“Why do you wanna know that?” He chuckles.

“What? I can’t ask?”

“Yo, Yo, Yo I know what type of girls you like,” Andrew laughs.

“Then what type of girl do I like then?” Cody’s smiling. He’s having fun too. That’s good. It’s all I want.

“Remember that girl I was talking to, er, at that club one time.”

“The brunette?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Wait how did you get into a club?” I chime in.

“I have some pull,” Andrew laughs. “Shit, you were mad that I was talking to her, remember? Man, she was mad thick.”

“You like thick girls?” Grace giggles.

Cody's eyes widen in shock. He’s back to his regular self again. “He’s lying! Don’t put words in my mouth, Andrew!”

The maniac who I’ve been finding cuter by the day just laughs.

-

We walk down back to Waterfront Park.

“How many people do you think jump into the water?” Grace asks. “I was googling it and not much comes up.”

“Nobody is that crazy, Grace,” I tell her,

“They’ll probably die if they tried,” Cody adds.

“Jump, Code!” Andrew yells.

“No, you.”

“Fuck it,” Andrew laughs. Before I even figure out if he’s serious he’s already running ahead of us and just jumps over the railing.

Everyone screams his name and Sara is the first one to run to the water. We all follow right after and I don’t see him anywhere. All that’s there is the ripple leftover from the splash. Shit, everyone’s wondering what’s going on and is gathering around. Nothing happens and I start to think the worse.

Andrew suddenly jumps his way unto the ladder that’s connected to the pier. He’s laughing so hard that it’s a bit funny. Everyone stares at him like he’s nuts, which he is, but damn is it funny.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I yell at him when he gets back to the ground. “You ruined your blazer and jeans!”

Andrew just shrugs, “I’ll just go home and chance before the thing, y’ know?”

It takes a few minutes before everything settles downs.

-

“I was like, make up your fucking mind.”

“I know, I just wanted to punch the bitch.”

“I didn’t even know if she was gonna come. That's why I didn’t tell you were there.”

-

“I think it was just Isaac and Sara who went to that. Sara, how was it?”

Sara doesn’t respond.

-

Andrew puts on a beat for Cody:

-“Yeah, she said please listen like it was ever her decision

My vision's blurry, stumble ain't no hurry to impeach Nixon

Nah, I mean none, cuz like America I'm so fucking drunk

So gone, vertigo, push the nympho to the pillow

I'm a fucking weirdo

Care to stay in limbo?

Yeah, she said don't leave her like I'm her hero

I'm stuck bareback in this blizzard

Words mumbled, tongue twister

Twister high turns into lips blisters

No, I mean feet blisters which burn more than the blizzard

Go ahead and kiss her

Fuck this winter

Yeah, she said don't go there like she has me in a wedding ring

I'm up high in the skies soaring fly with some melting wings

So lifted, unable to kill the king

When In Rome, assume the throne

Ego so might there's no shadow to call home

Know it all be okay because I have you waiting by the phone

Waiting for me to come home and leave me alone

Pave my blood into my gravestone

Drink to four a.m. and wake up feeling worthless

Go to work and sweat it all out by the first shift

By five do it all over again because nothing is ever perfect

Nothing is ever perfect, nothing is ever worth it

Yeah, she said she'll be there like she's so fucking stable

She's fucking mental for being this sentimental

I'm so fucking detrimental, might as well be the devil

Yet she never says, 'be gentle'”-

“Fuck man! That shit was so dope!”

“Wow, you’re really good at that.”

-

We sit by the benches near the Aquarium. Chris is rambling again.

“I mean, it’s only a theory but it works in a way. Say you travel back in time and decide to do something that would change the availability of going back into time in the first place. It’s the Time Paradox but not really. See the past can’t be changed, and neither can the future. One because it already happened and the other because it has yet to happen. So what do you have left? You have the present, the now. You view the world through your own consciousness so you’re always in the present. When you go back in time, that past in now your present, there is no loop. All you do is change the present in a different timeline that doesn’t affect yours. You’re always in the present, don’t forget that. It’s really that simple and I don’t get why movies distort that. Well, I do, but it doesn’t matter.”

“So why do movies not get it right?” Andrew laughs.

“Because we’re the outside looking in. We don’t know if time travel is possible so we don’t write from the perspective of the person going back in time. If the movie was played in first person that’s how things would play out otherwise it creates too many holes and most writers are just that lazy. Think Back to the Future 2. That movie doesn’t make sense if you truly think about it.”

“You’re nuts man,” Andrew laughs. “Outside looking in.”

This is the only thing I understand from the two-minute ramble Chris just went on.

-

“Are you okay, Sara?” I ask her when she’s staring at the sea again.

“I’m fine,” she says quietly and weakly. “I’m just enjoying today.”

-

“Do you want to get on the Ferris Wheel?” I ask Cody.

I half expect him to say no, but he nods and starts to walk over there. I tell the guys we’ll be back and only Grace and Andrew pay attention. Andrew is frowning, hopefully, this doesn’t make him too mad.

The sun has set a bit so the line’s not as long and the view is going to be better. “Are you mad?” I ask him as we move one couple ahead.

“The Andrew thing? No,” he chuckles. I’ve known him my entire life so I know when Cody is lying.

“You know, if you really do have an issue with it, it's okay to tell me again. I was just a mad last week. Your opinion is the most important one of all.”

“No, you were right. It’s okay, deep down Andrew is a good guy.”

I laugh. “That’s stretching a bit.”

“Maybe,” He laughs too. “But you’re your own person. I only care if you’re happy.”

“I am.”

We take our seats across from each other and slowly rise the air one car at a time. I stare at his hazel blue eyes. Everyone always says that Cody's eyes are always watching, always protecting, often intimidating. They’re right, he does have that aura around him. He is always watching, always observing. Yet when he looks at me, they’re different. There’s so calm, so tranquil. They’re so warm. It’s no wonder why so many girls have a crush on him.

I can get so jealous sometimes. I just want to break our promise and be with him already but that would be the biggest mistake any of us could do. Sometimes I wonder how jealous he gets and if this promise does us more harm than good.

He’s turning 18 in a month and I’ll join him in December. After that, we’ll graduate and finally start to date. Then three years later we’ll get married and live out our lives as we were destined the moment we met each other when we were four. This is the only thing that makes me believe in fate.

But I’m moving away in a week and I’m trying to use this chance to tell him. I’m scared that it’ll ruin this fate and that it’s not meant to be. Maybe he’ll just move with-

“Are you thinking about the move?” Cody cuts my train of thought. He reads me so well.

“You know about that?”

He justs nods. “My mom told me. You worried?”

“Yeah,” I laugh nervously.

Cody. Only I know the real Cody. He gets up just to sit next to me and holds my hand. “It’s going to be okay.”

“You sure about that?”

“I already thought it over. I’ll just head over to New York once I graduate. I’ll get a job and start selling my songs. It’ll work out.”

I burst out in short laughter. “I hope it’s that simple.”

“No, it really is.”

The way he’s holding my hand. He’s lying again. It’s eating him up inside. I rest my head on his shoulder and look towards the city then the sea as the ride starts. We don’t say a word and just enjoy the moment together. I close my eyes.

When we were only thirteen, we took each other’s virginities. We thought it was the purest form of love we could have. We thought that it would be more comfortable with each other than with anyone else. The memory is still burned in my head. I can still see the night sky from above the treehouse.

Going back even further, I remember the month I was hospitalized and everyone thought I was going to die. Cody refused to go to school because he never wanted to leave my side. He would wake come, come over and stay with me until his parents would force him to go home and then he’ll do it all over again the next day. He was almost held back from the 5th grade because of it.

Going back to my very first memory of him. My sister and I were playing in our front yard when this little boy falls from his bike in front of us. His brother was teaching him how to ride a bike and had let go when Cody didn’t know how to stabilize himself. We met each other’s eyes for the very first time when he got up. He didn’t cry. Cody just stood his bike back up while his brother apologized. My parents saw the whole thing and came outside to make sure he was okay. That’s how we first met. His first words to me were, “You have a cool shirt.” I don’t even remember what I was wearing. All I remember was knowing that I knew I was going to be friends with this boy.

Of course, I still have my favorite memory of him. It’s the day he gave me his black and red, rose bandana. Just under two years now.

“Do you remember the night I gave you your bandana?” Cody asks.

“Of course I do,” I smile and open my eyes.

“It’s my favorite memory of us.”

“Mine too.”

“I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve seen Jerrica. Is she coming too?”

I shake my head,” She’s busy with school.” I sigh, It’s been two years since that night: equally the most stressful and calming night I ever had.

“Sad.”

“Hmm?”

“Is honest. Sad is honest. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

I look over to the sea. The sunset is reflected by the water making the complex of colors glimmer the world. The clouds in the sky hinder the beauty’s potential, however. I think about where we would all be if Elizabeth wasn’t gone. It still stings. It still feels like a knife is in my heart. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get over the fact that we’re responsible. All the signs were there and I didn’t care. Maybe I should have taken the time to make sure she was doing instead of letting her fight her battle all alone.

Isn’t Sara going through something?

I need to make sure she’s okay too. She’s been distant and quiet. I know her for going into depressive episodes but I don’t think they ever have gotten this bad. Sara needs her best friend.

The ride is over and Cody and I get off and walk over to the group. Andrew is balancing himself on top of the railing and jumps down as he notices us. Chris is talking to grace and Sara is nowhere to be found.

Sara is gone. Andrew tells me she just went to grab a snack. I text her to make sure she’s alright. I even tell her that tomorrow will be just the two of us. I’ll figure out what she’s going through and help her through it, whatever it is.

I look at the time and realize that the dance is about to start. The clouds are getting thicker too. It’s about time we should leave anyway.

“You’re leaving?” Cody asks when I make Andrew come with.

“We’re gonna be late!”

“Shit, Ems, there’s no rush.”

“Cody, can you take the rest of the guys home?”

“Uh sure.”

My car’s not far so I take out my keys so I don’t have to do it later. “Are we stopping by your house so you change?”

Andrew looks at himself and his still wet clothes, “Yeah, but I’m driving this time.”

“What?” He snags my keys before I can do anything else. “You’re gonna get my seat wet.”

Andrew scoffs, “I’m not that wet. It’s been two hours.”

“Yeah sure, whatever dude.”

The first raindrops fall as we approach the car. Andrew likes to drive recklessly. He’s never driven me and I would rather not let him ever again. I haven’t been downtown a lot but I never liked driving through it. There’s so much traffic and today it’s somehow worse. We get trapped under every red light possible.

“I’m surprised you haven’t said anything about Cody and I going to the Ferris Wheel.”

He shrugs, “I never worry. I have you all to myself tonight, after all,” he winks.

I laugh, “You really do have everything under control, huh?”

“It’s what I do, love,” he says without taking his eyes off the road.

I catch myself smiling. Andrew’s confidence is unmatched by anyone. Is that why I’m so attracted? “You really do like me, don’t you?”

He takes a second look off the road to look at me. “What gave that away? Our kiss? Us spending the past two weeks together?”

I giggle. “I can’t like a bad boy, it goes against what everyone expects from me,” I say sarcastically.

“You aren’t exactly a saint either, Ems.”

“Fine, you get one kiss tonight, but you better make it special.”

Andrew grins.

The rain gets heavier and the roads are far wetter the more east we go. We’re about the cross Lake Washington to Mercer Island and it’s already been raining pretty hard here.

I get a text and pull my phone out. Sara finally texted back. “I only wish-” I stop myself when I read the message.

“What’s wrong?”

I don’t think my brain registers it the first time, then it clicks. This is where the panic hits. My lungs shrink down and it becomes impossible to breathe. This isn’t good. There isn't a thing Andrew can do to calm me down. Cody’s not here.

I start freaking Andrew out. That only makes me freak out even more. “Emily, Calm down!” he yells but it only makes it worse.

I made a mistake. I was too late. I read Sara’s text again and it makes everything a hundred times worse. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I gasp for air but nothing comes in. I’m dying. This is my fault. Everything is my fault.

I’m selfish. I’m careless. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone.

I don’t want to be alone.